11 February 2006

Dirty diseases # 1 - Syphilis

What is it?
A sexually transmitted disease carried by the virus we all love to hate - Treponema pallidum.

How do you catch it?
Butt fucking, beaver fucking, swallowing jizm and probably fisting, although I am not entirely sure about the last one. Contamination occurs after contact with the other people’s syphilitic sores. Although these are usually located on genitals they can also be found on the mouth. So if you think you could just settle for a blowjob instead, think again.
You cannot catch syphilis from toilet seats...but then who in their right mind would want to give a toilet seat a blowjob anyhow? Swimming pools are also safe, but hands up anyone who would happily swim in the same pool as someone with suppurating syphilitic wounds?

Have I got it?
This is where it gets ugly, people. Once infected you will break out in a painless wound or several sores in the area you became infected in. Unless you get it treated, you will move into phase two of the virus and will develop a really ugly red rash on the bottoms of your feet and hands. By now you should definitely know something is wrong as this repulsive rash phase is accompanied by patchy hair loss, headaches, swollen glands, weight loss (fat folk DO NOT go get this disease – you are better off at Weight Watchers)

If you are still unaware that something is fucking wrong then you are a total cock. But assuming you have kept putting off that visit to the STD clinic the final stage is paralysis, heart problems, blindness and dementia. Which can only mean that there are a ton of old people with syphilis seeing as many of them exhibit these identical symptoms.

Survival rate:
Not bad if you catch it in time. You might want to alert sexual partners to it before they go down on you though.

Syphilis and the Arts

71 comments:

wallycrawler said...

What the fuck ya do'n to me ? I came home half buzzed and now I'm sober as a judge ! And I was at the strip bar , now I'll be check'n myself out all night , Thanx!!!

PDD said...

Michael Jackson has got to stop his pigish behavoir.

I'm on line and I'm loving it!

I'm very scared to browse porn. Our office computer caught a really big and bad virus because of my porn surfing. I don't want this to happen to my computer. Can anyone suggest any safe porn sites. I'd really appreciate it. Seriously.

I'm drunk, but not drunk enough to stop. I have run out of wine. I'm pissed. Janie, could you please pass me something...?

morbid misanthrope said...

It's great to be amune to horrible afflictions such as this. Now all the people who made fun of me for not getting laid will have something to worry about... well, if I hadn't killed them all already anyway.

YellowSock said...

Scott Joplin, the American composer died of this yucky disease too.

Oh, and Janie? Are you in a really horrible mood or just trying to keep me from having sex ever again? I think I want the budgie-smugglers back.

jungle jane said...

Wally:
I am sure that you didn't pick up anything bad at the strip joint. unless you gave the toilet a blowjob? in which case all i am saying is say goodbye to your penis. and your hands.

PDD:
Here, have a bucket of cheap red wine. i've laced it with a few Ludes for extra kick. i can't supply any porn but i do have a nice picture of a vagina infected with syphillis? would that help??

morbid:
wait until i post my Guide to Dengi Fever. It's not pleasant, but someone has to inform the public about these things....

Sausage:
i am in a very very good mood. i get such a kick from examining other people's blistered dicks. its so sharply exhilirating...

Henri Banks said...

Damn and i like butt fuckin

jungle jane said...

Well Henri the choice is yours: butt fucking vs the loss of your penis. this is completely factually correct you know. i got all my facts from the internet so i am sure it must be true.

Steph said...

ohmyfuckingod! Here i am, ice cold Voddy in hand, feeling a little merry, about to contemplate a night on the piss and you do THAT to meeeee!!!

If that's not the poster child for safe sex, then i dunno what is. Scary much.

Henri Banks said...

okay i stop butt fuckin i get scared

Hal said...

So that explains all the black acne on my schlong...

Damn...

jungle jane said...

Steph Steph Steph. Vodka does not give you syphilis. you are okay. keep drinking.

Henri:
fuck the butts. seriously. do it. you can always get a penis implant if it drops off. no really - you can

Hal:
Please send me $98 for the medical diagnosis i just made for you. and drink lots of beer - i am certain beer is a cure.

Henri Banks said...

What about a titty fuck is that dangerous too???

jungle jane said...

Henry you know that everything i say is true, right? well i can tell you that titty fucking is just fine as long as there are no open wounds....

Henri Banks said...

My god Jane you are so awsome(?) you know soooo much about it ;-)
Okay its weekend now lets have a Party

jungle jane said...

Henri i know about EVERYTHING. serious. i even know how carrots reproduce. now get your tits out so that we can get this party started, okay?

Henri Banks said...

PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTY!!!!!!!!

jungle jane said...

TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITS!

mooncrap said...

uhg dude were is that party !? i want to come to i got already Beer and me bike pants ready ,Cheers mate

jungle jane said...

mooncrap:
the party is in my pants. but i want your beer. please make your way over to Sydney. We will party like its 1999...

Leilouta said...

OMG!! Is that for real?

jungle jane said...

oh yes. this is VERY serious. no really - it is.

Denny Shane said...

When I was in the Navy, we always had a foolproof method of determining that the girls were disease free. We would get undressed first, then ask, "You ARE clean right?" They always were truthful when they said "yeah, sure, whatever." lol

jungle jane said...

see, bloggers - its very easy to protect yourself from sexual disease. Just ask. it really is that simple.

i am so glad i could be helpful.

Erin O'Brien said...

Jane,

Darling, this was very hard to take when I pulled up the graphics here in snowy Cleveland, Ohio at 8:48 a.m. on a Saturday morning. Next time, I'll have to remember to brace myself with a good stiff belt of vodka before logging on.

That said, thank you for this important public educational information. Just goes to show all us girls out here that it's best to keep our panties on top.

Toby said...

America the Beautiful

ticharu said...

That's why the scientist boys are working so very hard on developing robots with humanoid features...

Jazzy Justin said...

Ooooohhhhhhh, GROSS!!!

...actually, I find that syph chick kinda'...gorgeous. Lovely nose.

ing said...

That's what I get for staring at those bicycle shorts all day & night. Damn, I'd have been safer on the toilet.

josh williams said...

I log onto your site to learn stuff. You should be a teacher and shit. I learned good. Thankee JW

FLAMINGO1 said...

I am rubbing one out while looking at the picture. Am I in any danger of catching something due to the open sores (hers, not mine)??

Hal said...

Oh FUCK IT!!!!

Chatty said...

Oh, so glad I just ate lunch. If would please excuse me, I am going to go lose it now.

Captain Carl said...

ARRR.......t'be very educational Janey, but bein that Im plastic it dosent effect me......maybe ya could make a PSA for us plastic folk........I'm very afraid of lighters and firecrackers........still t'be nice of ya ta worn the people of blog land.........

jungle jane said...

Erin:
yes its terribly dirty business but of course someone has to step forward and inform and educate. i like to thing that The Jungle has a social conscience. a place of love and teaching, you know.

Toby:
in all seriousness - wow. that is unbelievable!

Tich:
and do these robots get dick rot?

Justin:
the picture of her vagina is rather disturbing

Ing:
i think we have lost Matty to the bicycle shorts too. hopefully today's post will be a little wake up call

Josh:
i was thinking more i should be a preacher, don't you think? instilling morals values and stuff? i think my site should be compulsory reading for all school kids

Flamingo:
don't lick the screen. otherwise rub and tug all you like. and send pictures of said rubbing please.

Hal:
i would be surprised if anyone fucks anything ever again after reading this.

Chatty:
always allow 2 hours between ingesion of food and reading my blog. always.

Cappy:
Plastic gets mouldy, which is similar to syphilis. yes it is. i'm telling you. i'm not a doctor or plastics experts but i am sure this is a fact.

josh williams said...

Bingo you read my mind!

Mike said...

OMG, I was going out tonight, but now you got me all freaked! Great post!

Calzone said...

awww..poor baby has syphilis.

I thought you liked to party

drunkbh said...

I would like clarification on wether on not you can catch Syphilis from fisting. I need at least one hobby that is still safe.

Polyman2 said...

Leprosy...
All my parts are falling off of me
La La La La La La La La La La.

syphillis...
It just started with a little kiss...
La La La La La La La La La La La.

Satan said...

i see shit like this every day

look i want it clearly on the record

these things make people think before going out and humping like rabbits

i personally want you out there sinning like sonsabitches

i have no incentive to cause this kind of shit

all i am going to say here is that this is not mine

blame the guy that doesnt want you to hump for this kind of shit

trueborn said...

They get something called a shanker sore which looks like a cold sore but doesn't hurt.
Then comes the rash. If the rash goes away you become assymtpmatic. Thats when it attacks one of three main organ systems. The brain, the liver, and heart.

Ivan the Terrible is said to have had this little VD.

It's also said that Syphyllis is actually refered to as Montezumas revenge. Because it is a new world STD. The first case in Europe came about after 1500.

Maja said...

Gross!

YellowSock said...

New post please Jane!!!!!!!!! I want more male "toe."

jungle jane said...

Josh:
I have ferrets. are you buying?

Mike:
you are far better staying at home staring into your toilet bowl for new forms of art. trust me.

Calzone:
Fuck. I was soooo going to call you to tell you that you should go get checked out by your doctor. i swear i was...

Drunkbh:
i researched extensively and it appears fisting is totally fine as long as the fist does not have any open, gaping wounds. otherwise strapons work great if your partner's dick fell off?

Polyman:
it worries me that you seem so happy about all this.

Satan:
i could have sworn that syphilis was in your marketing material? and if its not yours then how come Ivan the Terrible got it? or are you saying that he left you for christ?

Trueman:
crap, it sounds like the rash is a good thing then. by the way, i am glad to see that there is someone in the world who has used the word shanker in a blog post. the odds on that are surely very very small?

Maja:
Please visit again soon - i will be writing about elaphantitis. there will be pictures.

Sausage:
oh good grief - first Matty and now you. has everyone been hypnotised by those awful bicycle shorts? Gawd. that's 2 exorcisms i am going to have to arrange now...

ing said...

Look, Jane, Valentine's Day is coming up and I promise to wear a raincoat. Please, deargodhavemercy!

Denny Shane said...

is it just me or is that chick in the story stary to look sexy?

ticharu said...

See the problem with humans is that we're a randy bunch of apes with a tendancy towards destruction and Mother Nature is just trying to cull the herd!

wallycrawler said...

How do ya get it from fisting ?

Wack-off in your hand then jam it in ?

Just wonder'n ?

wallycrawler said...

JJ just for future consideration I never touch strange toilets and flush with my foot !

Fuckkit said...

I don't think you can get syphilis from fisting.
Stitches, maybe.

josh williams said...

Are they black footed ferrets?

Zen Wizard said...

The picture goes in the OMG Hall of Fame.

Other than that, a very informative post!

gav said...

Syphilis is not unlike a mad squirrel - a very dangerous nut eater.

Boom. Tish.

Christi said...

Now I can say I've learned something today. I was getting worried there for a minute!

matty said...

I've never had the Big S, but as a sexually active person I get checked and shots regularly! Knock wood, I've never had an STD. However, I do know a fab drag queen named "Syphilis" --- tho, she denies having ever had it. I guess she just likes the name.

Why do the things that bring us the most fun/pleasure also bring us the most pain/danger?!?!?

What kind of a sick joke is that, anyway?

Jungle Jane, explain why life is like this!??!?

Oh, and on a very sad note. ...I bought a valentine for myself today. A hand decorated double fudge browning that has a little iced heart and reads, "I Love You" ...but I don't think the lady at the bakery had Syphilis. She might have had herpes, but it's Valentines so perhaps that is to be expected.

I forgot what I was saying/writing.

Jungle Jane, I still feel you should be a rock star. It is your calling, I should think.

jungle jane said...

Ing:
oh! i thought we were weeping and wailing and gnashing our teeth on Valentine's Day whilst glaring at happy girls carrying roses?

Denny:
oh dear. Earth to Denny...Earth to Denny

Tich:
surely it could have been done with good old fashioned death like overdoses? this disease seems a bit heavy handed really...

Wally:
i dunno about the fisting - i just made that bit up to freak Drunkbh out

fuckitt
jesus. you can get syphilis from stitches too now? god, its everywhere!

Zen:
all i can say is that if that's what happened to her face can you imagine the state of her Narnia??

Gav:
don't mention squirrels - Josh Williams is in a bit of a lather about ferrets. they are the same thing, right??

Josh:
dude i have been chatting to Gav - i think they could be squirrels. same thing, right?

Christi:
you know that i am here to inform and educate, just like you. i am brewing anothe hugely educational post at the moment. i am all about educating the youth, i am...

Matty:
you get shots? christ, you mean all this time there was an innoculation for Syphilis? fuck. if i had known that i would simply have recommended everyone take the tablet. mind you, it was heaps more rock and roll showing everyone the pictures.

i also think i am a fucking rock star. i just fucking am. and one day i am going to hire you as my stylist. just like Eliz did. but no grape scarf, mmmm'okay??

Die Muräne said...

ah, your granny! she's so much prettier then I thougth! Okay, I take her. Could you please wrap her in a paper for me (she looks a little wet...)

waygon112 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
waygon112 said...

That is quite possibly the grossesed picture I have ever seen....with the exception of Satan's blog pic!!!

Bloodgood said...

Is this the diesease that when you get it, it hurts to pee. I dont want to hurt when I pee.

Toby said...

What would happen if I put my mouth over her nose and blew really hard?

DorianGray1854 said...

Son-of-a-biscuit eater that is some nasty shit!! Its almost as bad as the lip cancer posters in the dentist's office. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkk!!!

jungle jane said...

Die Murane:
Yes and she looks JUST like the picture of Angelina Jolie i posted during the auction - it really wasn't tooooo much false advertising!

Waygon:
Get outta here! i would do Satan any day. and he doesn't even have to wear bicycle shorts!

Bloodgood:
nope, i don't think thats a symptom. i think peeing is still good. you must be getting confused with tapeworm??

Toby:
You would get a horrible taste in your mouth??

Dorian:
I want to see the picture! i love shit like that! please ask your dentist if i can have it!

kari said...

Is that Michael Jackson??

Jail Bird said...

I wonder what it would taste like?

jungle jane said...

Kari:
oh i don't think so - this person has far to much nose to be MJ

Jailbird:
like chicken?

The Humanity Critic said...

Just passing through, I'm digging the blog by the way.

jungle jane said...

Nice one human critic! drop by again on your travels - i like to think that my purpose in life is to educate. sort of. not that anything on here is checked for accuracy or anything. but i am sure its all sort of true...

Ron, apparently said...

Jane, it ain't a virus.Syphilis is a sexually transmitted infection (STI) caused by a bacterium called Treponema pallidum, and reponds well to penicillin. Don't ask me how I know.

blog Portland said...

Great, something new for my nightmares. I can't wait to experience the polar oppposite of a wet dream.

Jozee said...

Hmmmm, seems someone I know on here disproved the asking theory.
I'm so shocked! Not!