17 March 2006


It is ironic that one’s funeral is the greatest celebration that one has of one’s life. I’ve always thought it a great shame that I will miss mine due to the fact that I will be dead. All those friends, loved ones and relatives gathered in one place to worship me and yet the star of the show will be lying in a cheap cask pickled in formaldehyde.

Well fuck that people. I am going to have my funeral while I am still alive and then I will simply bequeath my corpse to the local necrophiliac society when I die.

I am going to arrange the whole thing myself – I will select a nice church, large vulgar bunches of flowers, a big fuck-off hearse with “just died - not” sprayed on it in foam and even a nice little phallic shaped gravestone with the epitaph “Janey rocks. And gives great head”.

Instead of friends and relatives giving speeches from behind a dias I will be speaking at my own funeral, reminding everyone of the wonderful life I am living now and how utterly fucking fantastic I am.

I want to see exactly who turns up at my funeral (so that I can amend my will according to who is a no-show) and what they have to say about me at the cocktail party afterward. I intend asking some of my female and transvestite friends to dress up as angels – they can stand at the entrance of the church throwing confetti. During the ceremony they can tie some old boots and tin cans to the hearse so that I can have a decent yet amusing send-off.

In order that we are able to celebrate my non death in the way that I live my real life we will be having a large lesbian gang bang the night before the ceremony. And for those of you that are unable to make the trip to Australia but still wish to be included in my will I will be webcasting the ceremony for your enjoyment. A blogging first I think we all agree.

You are requested to send beer rather than flowers and I suggest that you buy lots of onions so that you can shed buckets of tears. Amen.


FnQueen said...

I will be anticipating my enGRAVEd invitation! I'll bring plenty of Barbies and lots of beer! Hope to see ya soon! :D

Egan said...

Large Lesbian Gang Bang is all that I remember about this post.

I have thought about this sort of thing from time to time. What it would be like, who would show, and what would be said. I have been to a few of these and it's never all that fun.

Sheri said...

I am so there! Hell, tell me when. I'll take the time off, leave the hubby and kids behind and get my cute little ass over to Australia ;o)

Zen Wizard said...

Can I come?

It would be like necrophilia without the guilt...

Roscoe said...

Alas, poor Jane! I knew her, Horatio: a fellow
of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: she hath
borne me on her back a thousand times; and now, how
abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at
it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know
not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your
gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment,
that were wont to set the table on a roar?

jungle jane said...

ohhh i will be sending e-card invitations - cute little ones with funeral music embedded...hope you can join the lesbian romp the night before too....

that's all you need to remember. oh, and beer. never forget beer. and onions so you can fake some tears...

nice one. its also a FANTASTIC excuse to buy a new frock and some ridiculous, amazing shoes. if your hubby wants he can always watch the webcam broadcast?

well. you could always start a necrophilia society and put in a request for my body? admittedly i do not intend dying for many years but i am sure you could still have fun with an 80 year old cadaver??

oh so beautiful. and you wore your best suit too. you see Roscoe i knew that my life is worth quoting shakespeare. or whoever you quoted.

Toby said...

local necrophiliac society - pests

I hate them, I'm always telling them, "not yet!"

Jerry said...

I'll make the trip and maybe at the wake, we can discuss your epitaph a little further, in private or semi- private depending on our mood that day. What do you say Janey?

Egan said...

Beer will be present. I don't need onions to cry, I'm that good.

Egan said...

P.S. you're up, if you know what I mean.

josh williams said...

Maybe you could sing, there would not be a dry eye in the house. I like the Just Died idea,very cute. Lemme know I'll be there, I'm part lesbian.

Vince said...

Are you a Funeral Planner? Can I hire you for mine? I want one of these...I want Anne Heche and Kristen Scott Thomas to attend--If you can arrange this, then you're hired...

Sheri said...

Will the lesbian gang bang we on the web cam? I would love to participate. I mean a gang bang, barbies and beer? What could be better?

However, then my hubby is not allowed to watch. He is such a prude you know! !

Motor City Monk said...

I'd pay to see that! When's the lesbian gang bang and how much is it to watch?

ChickyBabe said...

Egan won't need onions. We'll make him wear the g-string, without the tracky pants!

tinyhands said...

Bugger. JaneTV is nothing but fucking static...

Captain Carl said...

arrrr....lesbians love 10inch plastic men, in fact I bet ay could be split up between 2 lesbians at a time......5 inches here 5 inches there.....Barbie learned all her moves from me........

We Love Boobies said...

Hey, I've gotten some great blowies while driving the limousines around, but its always been my dream to drive a hearse. Especially a fuck-off big one with grafitti on it.

A blowie from a not-so-dead corpse who, by her own admission, is great at it would really top off my day.

You up for it?

PDD said...

Son of a preacher man! The planets ARE alligning!

That is exactly what I have planned for my funeral!

I am really trying to practice in advance; opening my eyes while laying dead and cold in the casket. I always thought it would be cool if the dead could perform that at a funeral. Does that qualify as multi-tasking? I need to know because I think I am embellishing a tad on my resume. But then who doesn't? Okay I'll go ahead and submit it as is...

jungle jane said...

awwwwww but they are such lovely folk - just because the root the dead does not really make them bad, does it?? hmmmmm?

you know that's what i like about you jerry. so interested. so concerned. i think its lovely that you wish to discuss sucking cock. i do.

FUUUUUUUUUUCK you have no idea how honoured i feel that despite the somewhat colourful nature that i occasionaly post you have honoured me. i thank you. i worship you.

Oh i had no idea you were part lesbian. Say, you would like to join in our Gang Bang? it would be fantastic to have you there...

Oh yes i am very experienced at organising parties. Anne Heche? no problem - my younger cousin looks just like her. would an impersonator be okay?? she will be having lesbian sex so i guess that part of being Anne Heche is covered??

oh yes it will be. we can get a hubby cam installed to though? that will be focussed on my fish tank. so the rest of the world will enjoy our romp while your hubby soothes his soul with goldfish.

Motor City Monk:
oh its entirely free. Of course its nothing dirty or rude. its art. we are making a lesbian statement. of sorts. i am not evewn a lesbian actually.

I love that Egan is woman enough to cry. I am even wondering if he should be declared an honorary girl and be invited to film the romp? if he can't operate a camera he could always hand out wine and snacks...

oh dear what a shame. the rest of the world appears to be able to watch my graphic sex romp (with audio) quite easily. damn - it must just be you then...

Unfortunately we cannot have male dolls at our lesbian romp - this is a funeral goddamit. have a wee bit of respect for protocol.

Well that depends. Are you a lesbian? and surely as you are my friends you should be in the church wailing and gnashing your teeth while i brag about how fucking fantastic i am?? hmmmm??

jungle jane said...

wow - well if we can't share funeral maybe you can just join us for the lesbian sex romp?

you can DEFINTELY put that on your resume too...

Captain Carl said...

Arrrr....ay have a confession...ay am really a woman....and I want to fuck your monkey in the mouth.......

jungle jane said...

Oh dear. that would be Egan. Egan, how do you feel about being fucked in the mouth by a 10" plastic ship captain?

i assure you, he's all man...

Egan said...

Where do I sign up? I love dolls. Cappy let's get it on!

Chicky, you say the kindest things and I mean that.

Jungle, I'm honored I found your blog. Thanks to Chicky for that. Worshipping me is a risky proposition.

Anonymous said...

I'm moving back to Portland where it's legal to kill yourself.

What was your post about? Sorry, didn't read it.

Me said...

I love the bit about weeding the no-shows out of your will. Now, why didn't I think of that? What kind of beer? I feel I should bring something for you as well as my Guiness. What does a girl wear to a non-funeral, Lesbian Gang Bang? I guess anything she damn well wants. Save me a seat. I'm there.

ing said...

Wear a strap-on . . . or wait, who needs a strap-on when there's a phallus-shaped tombstone? But who will provide the giant condom (safety first!)?

My epitaph would say, It's far, far better to receive than to give. Selfish to the bitter end.

Henri Banks said...

Amen amen AMEN sis A M E N what the fuck AMEN .....Cant we have a family grave!!!?

Mone said...

Call me and I'll be there...

gav said...

Now that I'm an honorary girl and all, I graciously accept your invitation to 'gang-bang a la lesbo.'

You've (not)died, and I get to go to heaven. You are a very generous blogette JJ.

jungle jane said...

well as you know i am quite creative when it comes to plastic dolls. i think that cappy would be a lovely fit. lets just hope he takes his little yellow hat off first

don't read the post. here let me sum it up for you: Death, Lesbian sex, beer. That's all you need to know.

the gang bang is clothing-optional. do try and bring your own whips, lubricant and anal beads though. if not, you can just borrow mine. no problem.

i think cappy was going to volunteer to be the strap on. he was going to attach himself by gripping real hard with his little plastic hands. we might want to wipe him off though after Egan is done with him

now just because you are my brother i hope you don't think you aren't invited to the gang bang? you are a lesbian, right?

jump on a plane now. make sure you allow for at least 2 weeks for the gang bang. this is serious business

you can never have enough honorary girls at a nice lesbian gang bang. i am honoroued that you will be joining us and urge you to bring a few spare towels. and remember the Non Dead girl gets to go first, eh??

matty said...

I don't think I want to see my funeral and going into churches sends me into Damian/Omen like spasms. So, instead -- I'd like to have an all out party at Taco Bell. I want a large lesbian gang bang but a gay boy one, too. Actually, I just want a total gang bang celebration -- all preferences and kink welcome (as long as no one is made to do anything they don't want to do and no enchirettas because I've never understood that Taco Bell item.

ing said...

Enchiretta -- if that's a kink, sign me up! I'm going to use Matty's funeral as an excuse to try it, and I've always secretly longed to do it on the roof of a Taco Bell.

Unless I go first. In which case I guess I'll die a virgin.


jungle jane said...

your funeral sounds like heaps more fun than mine. i am a little concerned though that you don't seem to mention any flowers? are you not planning on having any? or are you spending all your budget on Tacos?

i mean its your funeral and so whatever you want is fine by me. i just don't want to breach decorum by rocking up with white lillies when actually i should be bringing spray cheese in a can. please advise.

there is *always* space for virgins at funerals. you should hold onto that you know - i for one would pay large amounts of money to have you as supporting act at my funeral.

don't give it away for an enchirietta Ing. you are worth so much more than that.

Tickersoid said...

Great blog, great concept, great gags.

I've always found gang bangs don't live up to expectations. Can't multitask.

jungle jane said...

Tickersoid you can always hand out peanuts and cheese 'n onion crisps? or would that be multi-tasking too? if i have to choose i guess i'd like you on crisps. the nuts can sort themselves out...

ing said...

Some nuts can. Some of them just sort of sag shapelessly and you can't tell where one begins and the other ends.

You know what virgins are good for? Sacrificin'!

Tickersoid said...

Yeh I might get some strange looks with

"Nuts anyone?" or "'Any more takers for 'chipolatas?"

ing said...

¿Tienes juevos? On a platter?

jungle jane said...

Fuck. you are right. We need someone to control the nuts. oh god who can we ask? I wonder if Egan would be a good choice? As far as i know he's not a lesbian but i am sure we can trust him if we start off with something smaller like pistachios?

well i think this party is EXACTLY what you need to distance yourself from that ever-so-cute British stiff upper lip.

I think we all agree - Tickersoid is the perfect choice for Manager of Chippolatas?

Tickersoid please remember we will have american guests. you may have to call them weiners too. i don't want you to have to multi-task but i think small detail is important, yeah??

jungle jane said...

you know this is what i LOVE about blogging. we are so multicultural.

and i think that eggs are a lovely snack to include in a gang bang.

ing said...

You know who we need to control the nuts? A good eunuch, that's who.

ing said...

Eggs are so much smoother than barbies, too. . .

jungle jane said...

ohhhhhhhh yes. fuck i forgot to include my eunich mates.

Carla? where are you? we have a little job for you...

Pixie Sprinkle said...

here i am! did someone want me?

ohgod ohgod i am wanted! jungle jane likes me! oh fuck i am going to wee myself. oh my - i have made it into the inner circle.

i'll do it. i'll do it. me me me me.


ing said...


The sound of a ball dropping?

jungle jane said...

fuck Ing. i think our token eunich just died.

jesus. its supposed to be MY fuckin funeral...

do you think its disrespectful if we at least go ahead with the gang bang?

ing said...

No, no I don't. It is rude to try to steal someone's funereal thunder, though. And men are suuuch babies about this -- I mean, who ever died of castration? It's not like PMS or something!

ing said...

Oh boy, I have to work in the morning. . . I don't mean to get teste, but I have to 1. smoke 2. sleep.

(I got a copy of that Alan Carr book -- obviously I haven't finished it. . . )

Pixie Sprinkle said...

D-Y-I-N-G. oh god i am dyingggg. oh gasp please someone throw a sistah a wet napkin...sob...

i'm not a fuckin bloke Ing. i am all woman. hear me wimper.

jungle jane said...

oh crap Carla. Just cut your nuts off and join the party will you?

Denny Shane said...

I am so glad today in the States it's St. Patty's day... what an appropriate day for a wake. I'll have a few beers for you... whatsyourname... ;)

Steph said...

Best idea you've had yet. I'll make chocolate crackles and spike the drinks. What an orgy, errr, i mean, what a wake we'll have.

wake. Wank. Either or.

waygon112 said...

wow, I'm already shedding tears for your recent non-passing.

Since I've only known you a short while I do not need to be included in your will. Whatever you were going to give to me just send it to your local lesbian troop and tell them thanks from me.

wallycrawler said...

I thought I was go'n to a funeral ? Now all this talk of nutz get'n chopped off ! What gives ?

Never mind here's my eulogy .

Jane we hardly knew ye . We all knew Jungle Jane as a "net slut" with a smoke'n bod , beautiful face , great smile and a witty personality ! We all loved it when Jane showed us "pussy photos" ! But who was the real Jungle Jane ? I think she was a a person everyone wants to be...Popular ! Jane showed us all how to achieve popularity with her most infamous post . "TITS"! So simple and so effective . A picture of a pair of tits . 150 or so comments probably 1000 hits...Mind blowing ! I loved it when she would post a live fed and go to the washroom every 5 minutes ! We all know Jane died of a badder disease . How ironic ! Double J's finger was truly at the pulse of the world and at the pulse of many a man's penis ! JJ was a pure comedic genius !

Sleep well my dear JJ , sleep well knowing there is men and women all over the world still masturbating to your old posts .

And one man in in a far away cold , cold land weeps for his for his favorite blog slut .

josh williams said...

Yes I am part lesbian and would delight in helping out with the gang bang.
I suspicion I have people who are morning and tearing their hair out screaming in pain, falling in the arms of others in udder ( I like udder) despair cause I aint dead yet.
Looking forward to the show.

Henri Banks said...

damn this is not fair now that i am grown i cant bang my sister annymore :-(

Anonymous said...

I'm there.

For the purposes of the will, it's Ms.The Lady Muck.

Egan said...

I will help control the nuts as you say. Nope, not a lesbian. I'm very gay friendly though so make sure to include me in the festivities.

Toby said...

I know, hate is a harsh word, but they are pests when they begin before death is in full effect.

jungle jane said...

I wish someone would send Carla the Allan Carr's Funeral Manners book. Now we are going to have her yapping and winging all through our little fiesta

I am sure Saint Patrick is probably already drunk on the floor somewhere. I wonder if he's a lesbian? if so...he's so invited

The chockie crackles are a great idea. Gang bangs can use up so much energy. Remember to warm up properly before you dive in - we don't want any strained ligaments.

Okay - i was going to leave you my underwear collection but seeing as that only consists of a piece of bandage and some nice gold nipple clamps perhaps they are best off with the lesbians

well that was just so moving. thank you - that is exactly the type of tribute i enjoy.

please be assured though that i will continue to blog after my non-death. i don't think that a little non-death should stand in the way pictures of vaginas, tits and monkey mouths. after all, this is art we are talking about right?

part lesbian is good enough for me - you're in. perhaps you can arrive at the funeral on your motorbike like Eddy out of the Rocky Horror show. of course he got his head cut off and was eaten for dinner but i am sure you won't mind that if i can guarantee some udders in heavan?

oh rules rules rules. well i say we ignore them - after all you live in a different country now so the rules don't apply.

Lady Muck:
I have instructed my solicitor to amend the details. i have bequeathed my entire stash of loo roll to you. i know how exciting that must be.

The burden of responsibility i have placed on you is great. if you start becoming nervous i suggest you take a quiet moment and do some deep breathing.

well i guess its a bit like picking at the dinner while you are carving it up.

Polyman2 said...

Oh boy! A lesbian funeral gang bang orgy- count me in! I'll wear my fishnets and bring lots of dead things and the polyethylene tarp and the Wesson Oil- here I go rambling on- all excited without any regard for the nondead. Sorry.
Jane- I'll email my People Magazine
reporter friends for an exclusive photo-op.

jungle jane said...

Poly WOW! people magazine! my god how awesome!

let them know its not just a dirty lesbian gang bang. we will have beer, pistachios, crisps, chocolate crackles and spiked drinks.

we're going to be on the cover of People! my mum will be so proud!

Egan said...

By the way, what are you doing up so early? It's Saturday morning. Are you going to pee in the pool or something?

I once played a lesbian on tv. References available upon request.

Erin O'Brien said...

This is utterly brilliant. That whole thing about having a huge party for you on the one day they know you cannot come is for the birds.

Jane, darling, please plan on me attending both the gang bang as well as the services and the cocktail party. I shall get enormously drunk at each event and make a good show of crying and vomiting.

I love you.


Hal said...

Lesbians, death, and beer.

I can't think of a better way to go.

We Love Boobies said...

Hey, we can whail & gnash as well!!

... it was just such a sweet opportunity to take a hearse for a spin. I mean, since when would I otherwise have a mate (who isn't really dead) rolling around in the back going weeeeeee.......

Captain Carl said...

aRRRRR....WHEN AY DIE ay think ay would like ta be melted down into a strap-on......

Toby said...

Captain Carl finally made me laugh out loud.

Pistachios... and whoopie cushions make the best party favors.

Christi said...

What beer suits you best?

Oh, make sure to make other people pay for it all. The best part about a funeral is that you don't have to shed a dime.

Anonymous said...

Count me in of course Jane.

If I didn't love the Cappy so much I would suggest we snuff him and grant his final wish before the lesbian orgy.

I love nuts and chipolatas.

The Taker of Gist said...

Bah! Now you sound like Colonel Chickenpox. That guy kept saying he was still alive, but we were so determined to hold a funeral that day that we just ignored him. He never was much of a burden on society, as they say.

matty said...

Well, as long as people are losing their cherries on the slanted roof of Taco Bell I'm cool with flowers. But, you know, I've never been nuts about flowers. A good friend of mine, during a drunken/stoned discusssion asked me if thought flowers felt pain when they were cut and sentenced to die a slow death for our amusement.

...I bet they do.

Every time I see a flower, I feel bad for it.

and, then I seek out a cow, have it killed, cut up and made in to a tasty burger just for me!

Me said...

Ah Janey, that's so sweet, no one's ever offered to share their anal beads with me.

Fuckkit said...

Can I come? Lesbianism is my speciality.

Denny Shane said...

Janey darling... this may have been asked and I missed it but will they be laying you out nude?

josh williams said...

Bags are packed, working on shipping the beer, having trouble securing the planes, may have to borrow Roscoes.Keep the last part quite, he will want to Jet in, flight suit in all looking dashing with a mole person on each arm.Are mole people allowed into the Lesbian orgy?

ticharu said...

A friend of mine had a 'going away' party. It was really sad cuz he died about 2 weeks later. Ya couldn't even get a good buzz goin' on cuz like there he is in a wheel chair incontinent and drooling. It was fucking horrible. I punched him and shit and called him a fucking coward and we cried and vomited together and then the prostitutes came in.
Later when the police came I stashed my weed in his colostomy bag, and I never got it back. The bastard!

jungle jane said...

I went for a run. Its too hot after 7am. anyhow, Saturdays are very practical get things done days don’t you think?

You are down for a starring role in the gang bang erin. I will even program your appearance at the gang bang like a DJ at a nightclub: “11:00pm=01:00am the banging Erin O Brien will be grooving her beats” – something like that??

Yes well there could be a bit of weed added to your list? Other than that it looks like a perfect non-death to me

Do little plastic action figures have final requests? Do they have wills? Do they even die?

Shhhhhh – I think the poor little guy is confusing himself for a real live person. He does that a lot, bless him

Oh any beer suits me. Especially free beer. We’ll add water to it before we serve it up to the guests anyhow – no sense in wasting on that good brew on ungrateful people

But did you bury him afterwards? See that’s the difference – it might be mean if you had buried a live man. But really there is totally nothing wrong with having his funeral whenever suits you. honestly – people really just need to lighten up a bit

I am sure flowers like the pain. To them it is small sacrifice to be made in order to sit in a bowl looking glamorous for days and days. Who cares about a little sliced stem when you have people ooohing and ahhing about how lovely you are for days and days.

Matty I hope that you have a nice bunch of flowers in your dental reception

Well you know its all part of the caring and sharing way I live my life. sob.

Oh of course – in fact I have saved a starring role just for you fuckkit

Um yes I think you may have missed the point entirely. I am not being laid our Denny because its not a real funeral. I will be speaking at my non funeral fully clothed. I doubt there will be clothes involved the lesbian gang bang though

Are they lesbian moles? And is roscoe part-lesbian too? This is very strictly a lesbian affair. And although Roscoe does a wonder job of covering the dapper corner I have a feeling he not a lesbian. I may see if I can get him to ask the mole people to hand out peanuts during the funeral service.

Fuck man after all you went through he stole your weed? Jesus I would have just stolen the colostomy bag and smoked that yanno? God I hate it when loyalty is repaid with bags of shit

Egan said...

Yes, Saturdays are good for that if one doesn't spend too much time farting around on the blogosphere. Yep, going out now for a workout.

matty said...

My dental office goes for this "high concept" thing where the "floral artist" takes a big chuck of tree and carefully places dried flowers on it -- then sits a bunch of tiny rocks or marbles around it. All the gay boys "ooooh" and "aaaahhhh" over it. The lesbians roll their eyes. The few straight patients just look confused.

...I just find post modern to be amusing.

I don't want post-modern. I want what post-modern will be!

Toby said...

I'm old. I hate the word/title "blogsphere." It's an incarnation of "chat."

We all have obscure, by that I mean different time zones, styles of life.

I went out last night (St. Pat's Night) and drank enough for next weekend too. Tonight is a night to stay home and relax while preparing myself for "Saturdays are very practical get things done days don’t you think?" on Sunday... or in laymans's terms, the day of rest.

Friday holidays suck sometimes.

barman said...

I am so a lesbian as I am totally into women. If you are not buying that one than I shall at least attend the wake.

You know you could do what I have seen done with some marriages. They get married in one place and celebrate then to go to another place and celebrate there two. You could do the wake in the land down under and then repeat it in the states when you come for a visit.

jungle jane said...

or the loo. i frequently spend way too much of the weekend on the toilet

thats not post modern - its a florist that is really bad at arrangements. What you guys really need is a nice calming fish tank

i hate the word haemrroihoid. its iumpossible to spell, it sounds awful and its not any good as a nickname either.

but i am also visiting south african in July and going back home to the UK in august - does that mean i should have non-funerals there too?

deary me - i am going to be terribly tired of grieving by the end of the year...

Le Chitelier said...

80 year old cadaver? What, you talkin' about me?

Yeah, I'd love to come to your funeral. Once I get there, you and I can switch coffins just to confuse people.
Just make sure to write your own obituary. You wouldn't want someone else to do it for you and have it go something like this:

Jane. She loved to blog and hated birds.


...don't make the same mistake I did. Mine went something like this:

Le Chitelier. Liked long walks on the beach and taking long chits.

Toby said...

I heard a good one over the weekend, "we'll be mourning all afternoon and evening."

Satan said...

you are not getting off that easy

dream on firebrand