It is ironic that one’s funeral is the greatest celebration that one has of one’s life. I’ve always thought it a great shame that I will miss mine due to the fact that I will be dead. All those friends, loved ones and relatives gathered in one place to worship me and yet the star of the show will be lying in a cheap cask pickled in formaldehyde.
Well fuck that people. I am going to have my funeral while I am still alive and then I will simply bequeath my corpse to the local necrophiliac society when I die.
I am going to arrange the whole thing myself – I will select a nice church, large vulgar bunches of flowers, a big fuck-off hearse with “just died - not” sprayed on it in foam and even a nice little phallic shaped gravestone with the epitaph “Janey rocks. And gives great head”.
Instead of friends and relatives giving speeches from behind a dias I will be speaking at my own funeral, reminding everyone of the wonderful life I am living now and how utterly fucking fantastic I am.
I want to see exactly who turns up at my funeral (so that I can amend my will according to who is a no-show) and what they have to say about me at the cocktail party afterward. I intend asking some of my female and transvestite friends to dress up as angels – they can stand at the entrance of the church throwing confetti. During the ceremony they can tie some old boots and tin cans to the hearse so that I can have a decent yet amusing send-off.
In order that we are able to celebrate my non death in the way that I live my real life we will be having a large lesbian gang bang the night before the ceremony. And for those of you that are unable to make the trip to Australia but still wish to be included in my will I will be webcasting the ceremony for your enjoyment. A blogging first I think we all agree.
You are requested to send beer rather than flowers and I suggest that you buy lots of onions so that you can shed buckets of tears. Amen.