~d is a new reader to the Jungle. She is very fond of snail mail. I worry about this - if ever she sends me a letter I am going to have to get me one of them forensic pens to show up the traces of snail on the writing paper. I am not sure why she simply doesn't use a pen. She likes dentists, going to church on a Wednesday and I think she hangs out at the pharmacy a heck of a lot. She points at her crotch when people ask her the time - something more of us should start doing immediately.
Beast is a fitness fanatic who doesn't realise that only a nanna owns a lace handkerchief. His nickname for his arse is Karma which I think is really quite sweet and not very beastly at all. I am not sure what would happen if karma ever bit Beast on the arse. They could maybe turn it into a movie called Karma vs Karma. Beast works in a cloud of stale fart which is possibly why he has so much trouble with his algorithms.
Brooke is a schoolteacher who adamantly refuses to accept my amendments to her teaching curriculum despite the fact that I clearly can offer the children of America a wealth of wisdom when it comes to leading a virtuous life. Brooke has the sexiest profile picture of anyone I know, although frankly I think she's aged a bit since it was taken. Brooke hates scorpions, spelling mistakes and the smell of vomit. She likes beefy Australian blokes, cigarettes and Donna Summer. She's also got a thing about roses, bless her. Currently on a blogging hiatus, Brooke is steadfastly refusing to post until you all send her a picture of you naked. Just send them via me though - I will make sure she gets them.
Captain Carl is the sex magnet of the blogging world, despite being totally devoid of a human body he can call his own. Cappy through the ages has consisted of a Pee Wee Hermin in blogger form, a plastic 10" high little wee body and more recently a floating head without any body at all. It is difficult to imagine how poor Cappy continued to blog or satisfy his army of hot chicks with these limitations and one can only assume he has a very nimble nose. More recently Cappy has acquired the body of Beck - in all likelihood this is simply a ploy to win the heart of the lovely Ing who was too fucking busy to enter this contest. Adored by men and women alike our Cappy sails the high seas, breaking a woman's heart in every port.
ChickyBabe's blog is definitely in my top 3 favorites. This i find remarkable because it's not like she ever discusses vaginas or anything, however her writing is so enchanting it often brings tears to my eyes like a very very hot curry. ChickyBabe is TERRIBLY mysterious and I am certain that if she held an auction of a photograph of herself she would be a millionaire. I am convinced that ChickyBabe looks like Tyra Banks in real life and i am never wrong about these things.
Die Murane lives in Switzerland - the home of yodelling, large mountains and a funny-arse language that I am fucking sure isn't English. Die Murane is awfully nice even though his friends wear condoms on their heads. I totally recommend that you visit Die Murane and post on his blog in whatever language you feel like. In fact i think we should all go over there right now and have a foreign language post orgy. I'll do Zulu - you lot can quarrel amongst yourselves to decide who does French.
Dorian Gray might not be an actor but he certainly stars in several of my dirty dreams. Dorian is so smoking hot that when he was made, the lord created two of him. Yes people - Dorian is the twin brother of one of my very most favorite bloggers. I am certain you would all crap yourselves if you knew who it was. I am very much looking forward to the day when Dorian marries me like his brother promised me he would. I just hope i don't get the twins confused at bed time.
Egan makes amazing animal noises and pretends that he can speak French. That is probably because he is what Australians call a "Westie". Egan is currently on a well deserved holiday in Hawaii - we all worry terribly about him because works too damn hard. Egan has a massive family - from memory I think he has 24 siblings - and their names all start with an E. Egan is so fucking fantastic that there is a street named after him in Canberra.
Erin O'Brien is the best author in the world. Her hobbies are vacuuming, washing Ann Curry's hair and leaving cakes on the sidewalk. Erin's blog is a delight to read - the only blogger who has ever made an empty tube of toothpaste amusing. A very resourceful lass is our Erin - when she runs out of clean clothing she puts on her fuck-me boots and wears a newspaper instead of a dress. If any of you are in need of a good dental hygienist, speak to Erin - she has a very good relationship with hers.
You should all visit Frobisher's blog to view for yourselves where he keeps his testicles. If you do go and visit him I suggest you stop off at your supermarket and buy some cheap sausages to take along with you. He will thank you for that and no doubt share his girly vodka cocktails that he pretends that he only drinks to take away his hangovers. Frobisher would like to be re-incarnated as a girl in order to experience childbirth. He lists his hobbies as shitting in milk bottles and watching Kerry Katona videos.
Gav is a new age sensitive guy other than his open gawking at little Nikki Webster. Gav has a very clever 3 year old who we all turn to regularly when we need life's little mysteries solved. Vag likes to do NW crosswords, attend goat slapping swingers parties and has a violent disliking for parenthesis surrounding mobile phone numbers. A true romantic, everyone should go out on at least 3 dates with our Vag. And then blog about it afterwards.
Hal Perry likes to pretend that his name is not pronounced Hell. A damn fine actor living the rock and roll life in Los Angeles let me tell you from recent experience that Hal is also a fucking great tourist guide. He does have a very odd taste in sunglasses but i guess these acting types do tend to be somewhat flamboyant. Hal's favorite food is pizza and he likes Jim Morrison a lot. If you are looking for a leading man i suggest you go straight to Hell. oh and if you are looking for someone to play a 13 year old girl with blond pigtails? Hal can do that too. He even supplies his own dress.
Henri Banks is totally the biggest spunk in the whole world. He is also an artist extraordinaire, a quirky little photographer and a very kick-bum musician. Henri lives in Germany although his blog is in English so I'm not sure whether he can speak German or not. He lives in the world of white trash so i am not terribly sure where he throws his garbage that is not white. If it wasn't for the fact that Henri is my brother i would TOTALLY do him.
Jake is a Scot who never answers his freaking email. He rides a bicycle with his wiener exposed and is the only Scotsman I know who is allergic to alcohol. Jake likes karaoke, NotFunnyChicks and cricket. Jake is completely crap at Fantasy Football and even worse at online pool. Despite the fact that Jake owns his own personal cat he assures me that he is completely heterosexual. If Jake got off his lazy arse and started posting he would definitely be the most amusing blogger i know.
This is a real tough one to crack seeing as Jemison is a brand new reader on The Jungle - we can only hope that we didn't scare him away but indulging in a gang bang on his very first visit. A master of the Holdie Outie (visit his blog to see what that means) Jemison is a caring father who gives his child band aid to repair her broken balloons. Further adding to his cuteness is the fact that he serenades his wife under magnolia trees. Gentlemen: take note.
Jesus Toast was so named long before some poser copycat popped up on ebay pretending to be a vision on a bit of stale bread. Married to an Uma Thurman lookalike, Toastie is world famous for his You Must Choose blog and his artwork of nude woman. I am not sure if Toastie also paints nude men- i am scared to ask him in case he sends his dad after me. If ever you want a great night out on the town with strippers and all, just tell Toastie you want to sign a million dollar contract with him.
A thousand pages of typing is not enough to adequately praise our favorite Scientist and Earth Child - Josh Williams. Probably my all time favorite blogger (yeah yeah I know favoritism is bad form) Josh is a friend of all moles and a gentleman to boot. Who do we all turn to when we need a batch of fresh cocaine cooked up? Where do we all run when we need money stolen from the poor to give to us, the poor? who is there to review our books even when we haven't actually written one? Step forward and allow us to worship you Josh Williams. You are an asset to Indianapolis and a man that mules worldwide are proud to count among their numbers.
Jozee loves tea although she keeps it as an ornament rather than something she drinks as one does. A great fan of shopping, Jozee works in a cafe that only appears to serve sausage and cheese. Jozee likes Janis Joplin and should definitely sing more often. If you want to marry Jozee, just ask her via instant messenger. Lads take note - fancy 'down on your knees' proposals are very 2005.
Le Chitalier is a rotting Chemist corpse with a wonderful sense of humour. Not fazed by the fact that she died at least 80 years ago, Le Chit is a shining example to old people who simply refuse to adopt modern technology. If ever you need to get hold of caffeine tablets, just drop by Le Chit's place. Of course you might want to wear nose plugs to disguise the smelling of decaying flesh, but i am fairly sure she's used to this by now. Le Chit loves coffin sex and rounding up virgins.
Maja is a Miss Clever Clogs geologist who spends her working life rubbing stones on glass to see if they are actually diamonds. Actually I am not sure if this is what geologists do - but I am sure its something to do with gravel. Maja has a sexy arse boyfriend who is also a bit of a lazy cunt when it comes to updating his blog. Maja is originally from Iceland and is therefore probably related to Bjork. I hope that she does not sing like Bjork. If you want to piss Maja off and you are male, just ask her for a plate at a barbecue.
Matty Matty Matty where do I start? Matty is joy to all those blessed with a wave of his fairy wand. Our Matty has a glamorous gay job in a glamorous gay dental surgery and is a shining example to all you kids that you can live your dream. Matty is also a dating machine despite me offering to set him up with a cute boyfriend in a snug pair of denim shorts. Matty is the sole reason that Barbra Streisand still goes on tour - without his publicity and selfless support she would be nothing. I urge you all to go read Matty's blog - he is a joy to read in an otherwise bleak world. Matty's view of the world is pink and sparkly and i think we all agree that a little bit of pink is never a bad thing. The thing i admire most about my lovely Matty is that he elected to be spanked with a paddle in high school in order to avoid detention. Matty is totally a winner to me.
Mone speaks in tongues on her blog, as well as entertaining us all with her English posts when she is not communicating with higher powers. You can always count on Mone to come to a party with heaps of whiskey but whatever you do, don't trust her with your dogs. Not unless you want them drunk in a corner somewhere. you can trust her with your cats though - and if you do hopefully she will post more pictures on her blog of her tits. EVERYONE SEND MONE YOUR CATS NOW.
Motor City Monk has a cat that you totally don't want to fuck with. Currently building a small house in which to keep his gimp, our Monk seems to spend a heck of a lot of time in his spa contemplating jet-stream orgasms. If you want to make Monk mad all you need to do is butcher a White Stripes tune and stand back and watch the sparks fly. Ladies, if ever you need a good book on anal sex, Monk knows where to get one from.
Morbid Misanthrope is well into dentistry and George Clooney. Famous for his ability to make gothic kids squeak, Morbid can be found eating sushi, caviar and tripe most days - that is when he's not standing outside airport terminals all night, shivering his nuts off and cursing the airlines. Anyone who needs to take out an restraining order should visit Morbid's blog immediately to discover all the ins and outs.
Nowhere Girl is amazing because she still uses a fax machine. If you visit her blog you should definitely not ask her whether she drinks or not. Always on the lookout for a decent carrot cake recipe, NWG is also a bit of a Thin Mint whore. She's also a total sucker for a nice set of new luggage and brand new pack of Sharpies.
Psychic Dumb Dumb is a dead ringer for Annie Defranco - oath. A woman of many talents, you have not lived and loved until you have had a Tarot reading done by PDD. Cheap and accurate - all you folk out there should stop what you are doing RIGHT NOW and head over to PDD's place for a reading. Not only is PDD a tarot reader extraordinaire, she is also a bloody good detective who is easily able to flush cowardly bullying co-workers out of the woodwork. Don't fuck with PDD - you simply won't win. PDD likes pink flamingos, has an outrageously handsome husband and a real name that would make your jaw drop. PDD is destined for greatness people. Start practicing your curtsies now.
Sausage is a mate who is very dear to my black heart. A friend through thick and thin, Sausage has been my anchor and my rock without whom I almost certainly would have shriveled up and died. A fellow Ron Jeremy fan our Sausage entertained me greatly in Los Angeles recently. She arranged for Simon Cowell to wave at me and she messed up the waxwork dummies specially for my entertainment. Although we would slit each other's throats in order to get at Axl Rose first we do truly love each other and i am happy to publicly state that in honour of our friendship she may have my sloppy seconds when I am finished with Axl. Sausage I love you very much indeed even though your hair is blue.
Steph is one of those chicks who simply never runs out of shoes. Not one to take crap from anyone our Steph is one of those chicks who stumbles across funny stuff on a daily basis. Steph can make anything situation hilarious but I warn you that her poetry is pretty fucking shocking. Steph has an army of fans who worship her like the goddess she is. If you ever meet Steph on a Big Night Out be sure to change her ringtone on her phone to something naff. she will pretend to be mad at you but I promise you she will be secretly very pleased. Give it a go - you know you want to.
Tickers is a total spunk who lives in a village with a comic book name. He is so funny and charming that I am certain he must be the local village crumpet. Although there are some who suspect he is a little bit gay, Tickers balances his pink-factor out nicely with bursts of karaoke and a butch job at the steel factory. Tickers likes Kylie shorts, starting fires and chicks with brown eyes. Don't ever go for lunch with Tickers - he can't tell the difference between a sandwich shop and optometrist. You might also want to get some household insurance before you let him anywhere near your kitchen.
Toby of the blinky eyes is a man of wit and wisdom. A law abiding citizen our Toby is president of our new as yet unnamed cult, an active member of the Seagull Extermination Society and a good contact to have should you ever need to find a body pickled in alcohol. Toby's wit and wisdom is greatly appreciated and I suggest you bookmark him immediately. He likes watching Blue Butt Monkeys piss on zoo keepers, feeding packing peanuts to his co-workers and reading Mad Magazine on the bus.
Traci-Lee Mott is a mate of mine from Essex. I score great weed from her but wish she would serve something other than chips and baked beans when I go to her house for tea. Her hobbies are soccer hooliganism, shifting stolen goods and palming her kids off onto her mum. Our Trace certainly does look after herself - she's not one to let her figure go despite having borne two mannerless children. Her boyfriend of the month likes track suit pants and gold plated jewelry.
Vince is an expert on extreme sports such as synchronised swimming. He practices extreme sport himself, having recently been on a butterfly watching holiday in Australia. Vince is very careful when he goes for a pee in case a lobster bites his dick off and is now contemplating purchasing a stainless steel penis muzzle. Go figure. Vince never eats tomato sauce in case PETA lock him up for being a cannibal and he's not afraid of showing tough guys on Harleys who's boss.
Wallycrawler is the chairman of the Canadian arm of the "I Love Tom Cruise" society. I get the vibe that he admires George Bush and Paris Hilton and although he has never said so, I am quite sure he is about to become a scientologist. Wallycrawler is everyone woman's dream and fantasy yet he remains modest and humble. Men of the worId I strongly recommend that you study Wally's moves if you want Jessica Alba to fart Happy Birthday to you. If Wally wasn't already married I would pay $1000 to spend a night with him.
Zen Wizard deserves a cheer for writing the longest blog posts known to cyberspace (other than this one of course - beat you at last, Zen) yet still somehow managing to be funny and entertaining. Zen likes to be tied up with his necktie but steadfastly refuses to admit to that openly. A lawyer by trade, Zen actually spends a lot of his day writing jolly long blogs. I am sure his employers don't mind one little bit. Zen lives in Georgia but is likely to retire in Montreal. He always says goodbye in falsetto.
Phew. I think I need a little lie down now...