15 June 2006

Five jobs worse than yours

Bomb Disposal Dude
Bomb Guys are not like trainee hairdressers who make a mistake - bombs are not hair and your limbs do not grow back. You probably don’t want to do this job if you have shaky hands or poor eyesight or tend to show up to work still pissed from the night before. If you marry a Bomb Guy you are likely to have great Guy Fawkes celebrations.

Shit Sifter
the lady who operates the colonic irrigation machine has three awful aspects to her job. Firstly she has to stick a large tube up your clenched arse. Next she has to walk into the shit-stenched room half way through and massage your tummy. Finally her last chore is to sift through your shit to test your fiber count when you’re all done. If you marry a Shit Sifter it is unlikely you will discuss her day at the office much.

Jizz Mopper
This is the person on the set of an porn flick whose job is to clean up any male ejaculate that splattered about the place during the money shot. And this is the glamorous aspect of this trade – aging Jizz Moppers frequently end their careers wiping spunk off private booths in dirty movie houses. If you marry a Jizz Mopper, you probably won’t eat a lot of porridge.

Chicken Sexer
This is totally true – I swear I am not making it up. People wank chickens off and collect the spunk in little tubes. I think this is probably how eggs are made although I am not really sure how the jizz gets into the eggshell after that. Maybe they inject it in with a syringe and then glue the little hole up afterwards. If you marry a Chicken Sexer you are likely to end up giving really really good handjobs.

Landfill Monitor
Trash festers and can become both toxic and infected so all you bitches out there that sneak hazardous materials into your weekly garbage should spare a thought for the guy that has to trawl through reeking decade-old landfills to stop the world from blowing up. If you are married to one of these folk, you can expect a lifetime’s supply of free recycled kitchenware.

I would very much like to know if there are worse jobs out there than these, especially if you have actually done the job yourself. Oh yeah – and have a nice weekend.


Mone said...

any chicken sexer out there? I want to marry a chicken sexer.

Of course he needs to have a great dick too!


jungle jane said...

oh god! now all the chickens in the world are gonna get drunk. run awayyyyy chickens! Mone is coming to get you!

Mone said...

hey great idea, lets have some cute chicks from all over the world flying in to my farm and party for a while. I just got a new batch of whiskey ready!

Anonymous said...

wet nursing must have been bad, someone else’s screamin nipper suckin at ya nips

Is fluffing a bad job?? Might be marginally better than the jizz mopper, perhaps you could use the stars staff room

Cleaning up baby oil after a stripper isn’t that fun but I’ve had worse jobs. Are there any animal rights activists here? Best not say in case my dead relatives are dug up and hidden.

Denny Shane said...

I would hate to be a feminine hygiene quality control inspector... I don't think I would like to go around sniffing all kinds of pussy to see if the spray is working.

Toby said...

The duck farm. My friend's job was to empty truck loads of blood into the blood swamp. He also got to pluck feathers on occassion. After listening to his nightmare stories I hung a sign up that read, "Remember, you could be working at the Duck Farm." I glanced at it everytime I was feeling down about my job as chicken sexer. *winks at Mone*

awaiting said...

I had a friend who once worked on a hog farm. Her job was to stick her hand up the pigs too-too-muu-muu in order to impregnate them or some shit.

awaiting said...

I take that back....I think it was to help get lil piglets out....

Whatever it was it was pretty gross.

Jesus Toast said...

I spent most of my college years in the morgue at the university, disecting and learining all the detailed bits of human body...one of the jobs I was offered afterwards was as a sketch artist who would travel with the Federal Bomb Squad and do sketches of crime scenes. I declined the offer, I didn't want to travel, but I would have loved to have had a job drawing blown up people parts.

Vince said...

My Uncle worked in a slaughter house in the old days. Hitting the poor cows on the head with a bat, one after another until the room was knee deep in blood.

Egan said...

Do I detect sarcasm?
Do I detect sarcasm?
Do I detect sarcasm?

Brookelina said...

Jane. Everytime I come here, I throw up a little in my mouth.

Karen Little said...

I think working in a tol booth all day must be absolutely horrid. You sit in that teeny tiny little box all day, and you have nobody to talk to, and you're always busy, and if you wanna go pee you have to run across the highway. And sometimes big trucks crash into tool booths and then you die. That sucks.

Karen Little said...

Fuck, I meanet 'toll' booth. Not 'tol' booth, or 'tool' booth. Sorry.

Zen Wizard said...

Driving up Peachtree Street from downtown Atlanta the other day, I saw a guy in a latex banana suit dancing in front of a new smoothie shop.

In the Summer. In the South. Right next to the traffic spewing carbon monoxide.

I'll print out your list and show him tomorrow if he's still there.

Zen Wizard said...

Oh, yeah--and don't call his dick a "cock" if you are, ahem, getting intimate with a chicken sexer.

I could see how it might ruin the moment.

BEAST said...

I once had a mate that had to dress as a banana and go-go dance in a suspended cage for hours at a time (frobisher will remember this from the mud club in Carnaby St).
Didnt Henry the Eight employ someone to wipe his arse...that must have been fun , at least there wasnt the day after a curry to contend with

Anita said...

I had a friend who once worked castrating pigs. He said that, if you hold a pig and cut off it's naughty bits and throw the naughty bits across the room, then let the pig go, it will run directly to it's naughty bits you just cut off and proceed to eat them. Guh-ROSS!

Who knew Mone was such a pervert? It makes me wonder what she's going to do with that Butterfinger I sent her.

~d said...

Do I detect sarcasm?

~d said...

OK. Mone can have the chicken sexer-is that toby's job? is he a chicken sexer? I think I want the jizz mopper! Yup. I will take on the jizz mopper. I can sell elongated vegetables right outside the porn shop to help his business!

Toby said...

A well digger is the only job one starts at the top.

MJ said...

Henry VIII did indeed have his own personal arse-wiper as Beast informs us. His title was "Groom of the Stool." This position no longer exists in the royal household, should you consider applying.

Vince said...

They still got arse-wiper positions available in prisons. But you gotta use your tongue and mouth to do the wiping. I don't know what the position is called though--maybe a bitch?

papamamba said...


need i say more...

Egan said...

Zen, the banana suit guy would actually be a fun job in my mind. Nobody knows who the fuck you are so you could be a total screwball. I have dreams about being a sports mascot. I don't have lofty ambitions.

Tickersoid said...

any job at a maggot farm has got to stink.

Mone said...

Hi toby,I'm glad you stand out of the crowd and stand for your qualitys. (i wonder if that is proper english, jeez.)
Come on over any time if you feel like to show your knowledge. And maybe afterwards you take me to the waterfall... or maybe we would get there first? We'll see.

@anita why do you think I ask especially for a butterfinger? =)
Did you really think I was going to eat it? No way, Butterfinger doesnt melt in your mouth, but... hahaha

Now where are all the chickens who were supposed to be here? No idea!
I dont want to drink this whole barrowl all by myself... but wait, toby is on his way... henrie may be still drunk or out partying since he held my hand...
I'm not going to tell you guys where this hand went, it has a mind of its own.

PS: I know this is a long komment, are you still going to marry me toby?

Toby said...

Of course. Marriage is the obvious next step.

jungle jane said...

Jesus. My mind just boggled...I think i need a little cup of tea.

jungle jane said...

Right-ho I have recovered somewhat.

How about Suicide Bomber? That's got to suck right? Or is that more of a hobby than a job??

MJ said...

More of a calling, really.

Toby said...

I'll bet no one has it on their resume. Can an epitaph be considered a resume for hell?

Vince said...

I have an uncle who was a Kamikazi pilot. But he hit the eject button by mistake while in the aircraft carriers prep room (before they elevate the plane to the deck.)Poor guy, they had to scrape him from the ceiling.

fingers said...

I'm a real life gyno and let me just say, it's got to be the worst job in the world.
Ten hours a day, chick after chick after chick wanting to either tell me about or show me what's wrong with their sickly snatch.
'Oh, Doc...can you tell me what this horrible thing on my pink bits is??'
'Hey, Doc, can you tell me what's causing this terrible smell.'
'U, Doc, is is normal to have one of these in here??'
Just once, I'd like some good-looking trout to come in, pull down her pants, display a nice, clean pussy and say 'Doc, there's absolutely nothing wrong with my vag...it's pink and perfect and I just wanted to show you...'

world champ stephen neal said...

How can you have one leg in London and one in Aussieland? You must be huge. What country gets crapped on?

Toby said...


ChickyBabe said...

All these references to chickens are making me very nervous...

Mountjoy said...

I've got a mate called fingers, and he has the job of hosing out the blue bins that are in all the high school toilets, that used tampons get tossed into. THAT is pretty darned low on my list of shocking exploits, I'd say...

Loudlush said...

I once worked at a place that specialised in train travel and had to deal day-in day-out with that special group of people who get chubbies at the mere mention of a high powered shunt or a Janney coupler (I am not making those up). I was not allowed to make any derogatory comments regarding trainspotters. Not even to those ones who phoned me up every day wanting to chat about trains (I was probably the only woman they ever had a conversation with apart from their mother). After a particularly hot and heavy discussion about The Trans-Siberian one day, and the very real impression that the chappie on the other end of the line was getting into some chicken sexer hand action himself, I walked. I know that I didn't have to clean up the jizz, but I did feel the need to shower immediately after.

Anonymous said...

I was once paid to wear an ice cream cone suit and wave at passing cars. I know it's much more glamorous to be a frostie than a banana but the suit did hurt.

josh williams said...

WELLINGTON (Reuters) - Live "sex shows" of bulls mounting a
>> simulated cow have become a big attraction at an agricultural
>> exhibition taking place in New Zealand.
>> The fake 'cow' -- a small go-kart with natural cowhide on its roof
>> -- was developed by Ambreed New Zealand Ltd. to collect semen from
>> bulls more safely and efficiently and improve artificial breeding of
>> cows.
>> Similar machines are widely used in Europe but have yet to be
>> introduced in New Zealand, where dairy products are its largest
>> export.
>> The go-kart, driven by a human operator, draws close to a bull and
>> adjusts to the proper height.
>> The experience can be a little alarming.
>> "It's quite a daunting feeling when you consider you've got a bull
>> there that weighs a thousand kilograms sitting on top of you and is
>> in quite an aggressive mood," Andrew Medley, production manager at
>> Ambreed, told Reuters.
>> Bull semen is commonly obtained using a rubber device known as an
>> artificial vagina which is put in place manually by two handlers.

gav said...

The jizz-mopper at the chicken-sexing plant?

~d said...

Thank you gav-you can have free entrance and one vegetable anytime!
A girl has to GIVE it away.

tinyhands said...

I've never much cared for accounting.

Die Muräne said...

Oh thanks Jane, you gave me the strength to love my job today!

slicknfun said...

how about them jobs:

Mone said...

toby, we are all set!

Suicide Bomber is a passion JJ.

Is henri still drunk?

There are tons of vegetables on my farm, to anyone who cares.

Die Muräne said...

good news is: if I do this job any longer I will look older then 45 soon! hehehe...

jungle jane said...

Yes but I think its only a calling you ever heed once

Well no – if you had it on your resume and were applying for another job it indicates you were a failure. And no-one documents their failures on their resumes, innit?

Okay – that is one shit job…Kamakaze pilot. I guess your uncle knew exactly how bugs felt when they smashed through a windscreen, eh?

Well there is no justice in that. Ladies – I implore you all to not only read Fingers’ very funny blog but please will you show him your smooth, pink beavers? Come on girls – this is all for a very good cause. Please form an orderly queue and remove your knickers. Thank you.

Wow! A wrestler! I was going to say that with one leg in London and one in Sydney I am shitting all over Maine. But what with you being a wrestler and all? I’ll just lean a bit to the left and crap over Massechusetts, shall i?


If you see Mone approaching with alcohol…run…just run. Oh and I think Toby knows a bit about chickens.

Fuck. I had all the girls lined up to show Fingers their beavers. And all along they should have merely been flashing their tampons? Fuck.

Okay that is like really sucky. Trainspotters whacking off when your breakfast has hardly digested? Oh god. You should have got a Chubby Bonus – seriously. I mean it was good for your company’s profit margins, innit?

What flavour? I hope not vanilla. You are SOOO much more special than vanilla. I hope it was rocky road at least

Okay. So. We are saying that bulls have rubber vaginas to wank into? Um I guess they are cow-vagina shaped? Jesus. Do gay bulls hump rubber arses? Please find this out for me Josh. I need to know

Christ. That must be where the wannabee moppers start out their career. They can only dream of the lofty heights of porn theatres.

Are you handing out little boxes of tissue with that vegetable?

I think there is a special place in hell called the Accounting Room. People who have been VERY BAD in life like Saddam Hussein are sent there to do books for eternity

Stay away from the suicide bombers Mone – DO NOT get them drunk!

Die Murane:
Give up your job! Take up Chicken Sexing! Its all the rage!!

Fewclewz said...

I once knew a bloke who fucked dogs for a living....I said "cor fuck, that's fucking low innit, how low can you go?" and he said, "Oh about as low as a corgi."

Knew a bloke who worked in a mortuary and fucked the stiffs, "He said, "It takes great pluck, to have a cold fuck, but think of the money you save!!"

Pixie Sprinkle said...

huh. trying being a pixie. nothing but drug fuelled orgies all day long. i'm exhausted.

Jozee said...

Janey! Massachusetts? I thought you liked me!

Mone, Henri's been holding more than your hand. lol.

Egan, I think you'd really like being Mr. Met. If I was cool like ~d I'd give you a little linkage love. Can't do it.

Um, let's see- the benefit of being a suicide bomber's wife is that one knows ahead of time that they're destined for widowhood.

Does anyone detect sarcasm?

If a hand job is the biggest perk one can get, you've just given me 5 or 6 more reasons to stay single. ;-)

jungle jane said...

fuck. you are mates with prince`phillip? geeeeeeeees!

you should take a smoke break sweety...you work too hard. i worry about you

fuck fuck okay i leaned in the wrong direction... okay lemme shit on new york? eh? oh jozee i love you muchly...i am SO sorry that i shat on your head...

Anita said...

Jane you have GOT to read this. Worst job, or most interesting job? You be the judge.

wallycrawler said...

"Jizz Mopper" isn't the worst job on the porn set . The worst job on a porn set is "Fluffer for Ron Jeremy" !

My worst job was "asbestos removal expert" . I went to a training school to do this . I would make "safe rooms" in building , with showers at the entrance . Everytime we would leave the "safe rooms" we'd shower and throw out all clothing . It was a high pay'n gig , but who knows about the long term effects ?

Toby said...

It was regarding the post above mine. "You must be huge." It reminded me of the Toby who posted the "rudest blog" comment.

Egan said...

Jozee, who is Mr. Met? Are we talking about the New York Metropolitans baseball mascot? How do I sign up?

Jozee said...

Egan, The very one. Mr Met signs in twelve languages. I think you could have fun doing that.

Jane, I think you hit Boston- that's okay. I'm in the part of the state that doesn't exist according to the bureaucrats. They just import our water and export their trash to our neck of the woods.

Blonde Vigilante said...

Endangered species ecologist. What a pointless, boring ass job. You'd be in search of something that already barely exsists.

Lippy said...

OK - worst job I ever did.
Given that I cleaned toilets in a psychiatric hospital, pulled piglets out of sows (like xstacsy's mate) and castrated farm animals...and none of them is top this better be good.

Actually it's a toss up between mulesing sheep (I think it's now illegal in Australia but) back in the day we used to cut a strip off skin off the little lambs arses so they had scars around the hole which didn't get shitty dags on them and fly strike.

Or teaching people how to lamb sheep - when we put last years dead lambs (which had been frozen whole and defrosted) in a sort of barrel full of water with a rubber sleeve - sort of a fake sheep vagina and uterus - and put them in weird positions so the kids had to straighten them out and pull em out. Bits used to regularly come off in their hands as they pulled - legs, heads, tails that kind of thing.

This should have been an entry not a comment huh?

Henri Banks said...

i am a BUTPITCHER yes i am !!

Mone said...

henri, what are you doing with my BUTT?

Hal said...

I once applied to be a jizz mopper at a peep show in Seattle called "The Lusty Lady."

I wasn't hired.

I could have made $8.50 an hour cleaning up spoo.

I wasn't hired, so I remained unemployed for awhile longer.

Okay, I made all of that up.

Toby said...

Jane quit the tube steak again

Maja said...

I skinned minks once. My job was to cut from back foot to back foot (the feet were held in clamps, stretching the legs apart straight). The worst bit was cutting around the anus and trying not to cut through the stinky glands on either side of it.

Minks stink. Really really bad.

Maja said...

Oh yeah, and when I worked in the geriatric section of a hospital in iceland, I had to wipe peoples arses and change nappies and shit. I used to spend so much time in the toilet with old people, I would hold off going to the toilet as long as i could, cause I was sick of the room!

Russell Allen said...

Colour Blind Bomb Disposal Men are crap! Which wire do I cut? The grey one or the grey one?

Me said...

Thanks Jane for making my jobs seem not nearly as dreary and pathetic as they are. Next time I'm moaning about work I'm going to remind myself, "Hmmm, you could be sifting shit or wanking off chickens."

jungle jane said...

Wow – amazing – I read it all. I think it’s a very interesting job indeed. her diary is fascinating. I have a friend of a friend who worked the local sex DVD shop – they had booths for jerking off an all – I can’t believe how many blokes pop in during their lunch hour for a quick jerk off. Truly amazing job

Ohhhh I am a huge Ron fan. I would much rather mop his jizz than choke myself on asbestos – that shit just doesn’t come out your clothes. I think its banned here – people used to have it in their roofs. That shit is bad shit

Ahhh I think he just didn’t want poo on his head!

I know not of this Mr Met. I do know that I am trying very hard not to poo on Jozee. Or Stephen.

Blonde Vigilante:
Great name and good point – that’s a lame job. You would be constantly having to justify needing budget for something that no-one else has ever heard of. I guess a whole nation of dodos are out there saying “fat lot of good you lot did for us”

Okay that sheep thing? the barrel of dead lambs? That made me chunder. Yes yes I know its real life and students have to learn these things but fuck…bits of defrosting cute lambs coming off in your hand as you swish your arm around a rubber fake sheep vagina? God.

Is that a job or a political statement??

Fuck. I thought it was my butt? Mone give me my butt back! I want my butt!

Okay – I think its worse to be a fantasy jizz mopper than a jizz mopper. Unless you mop your own jizz up and just pretend you are in a dirty cinema?

No I didn’t. I totally didn’t. well I don’t think I did – does not getting any mean you’ve given it up??

Maja please please tell me this is not true. This is almost as bad as Lippys sheep vagina thingy. God. Who eats mink anyhow? I never had no mink stew. And Geriatrics? Jesus Maja – you never wanted to flip burgers at macdonalds when you were a kid? Never?

Cut them all – go one – live on the wild side. Cut cut cut…just snip ‘em all and HANG the consequences!

Yes I remind myself of this too. In fact I have a small plastic chicken on my desk sitting on top of a small puddle of porridge. When I get fed up I simply swirl my finger in the porridge and give thanks to the chicken…

Jozee said...

Janey , if i was cool I'd link you to Mr Met. I don't know how to do post edits on someone else's blog...
Maybe Egan can hook you up.

jungle jane said...

Jozee i googled him. oh dear. a giant mascot ball.

he's very very sexy. he has the best job in the whole world. lucky Mr Met...

welcome to wallyworld said...

I've had some terrible jobs in my time - some real stinkers. Here's three - 1/stacking used car and truck batteries (with acid still in them) by hand in an un-airconditioned factory/warehouse in 45° degree Brisbane heat. Paid by the pallet so had to go for it to make any money and inevitabley got splashed by acid every day. Yes, occasionally in the eyes as well. 2/Working in an un-airconditioned caravan in a paddock out the back of Blayney for a beer-keeper. My job was to use a hot steam-knife to take the wax off the top of the hive-frames so the honey could be extracted. Copped dozens of stings a day and after the first few days both arms swelled up like legs of ham. 3/ Collecting female paraysis ticks (Ixodes Holocyclus) by dragging a blanket through lantana scrub out the back of Lismore. The local Vet bought them for putting on laboratory dogs to make Tick AntiVenine. And yes, I got bitten several times every day. But the money was good - $2000 cash in hand a week for about 35 hours. But the jury is still out on whether I developed the Elephantitis from that stint or the Honey gig.