Dear Lucifer,You know how I swapped you my soul for that big bag of weed? Well that’s all done and gone now and I am now wondering if you would have any use for a heart? I don’t think I want mine - actually I would be happy to be shot of the damn thing if the truth be known. I do realise that there is a limited market for second hand hearts but I figured you might be able to use it as a doorstop or something. I know it will blend right in with the rest of your décor – black is so timeless.
I was thinking that maybe we could just do a straight swap – you get the heart and I get to chose a replacement body part that would be a bit more useful to me. I've done the math and decided that a spare vagina would probably come in real handy - we could simply drop it into the cavity that my stupid heart left behind. I’ve checked in the mirror and if I warm up my tongue it can just about reach. And I promise to look after this one real good – no chunky piercings on the new gutted hedgehog.
I know I’ve caught you at your busiest time of the year but have a word with your people and get back to me, yeah?
sincerely,
JJ
31 comments:
lol oh dear. if you're ever my way, we have GOT to go out.
your comment on recreational use made me lose a holiday hit, thankyouverymuch! but oh-so-true. it's like roses at valentine's day...the dealers put a 20% increase on controlled substances because they know people are gonna need them and buy them anyway.
Merry Xmas JJ from the heart :-)
Hussy when i get your way i want to crush your town up and snort it in one hit. you're on, girl
hey geezer i read you're blog - you're a funny funny fucker. i'm coming over to play on your blog in a bit:-)
White Trash i am glad i am rid of my heart. pesky overrated orgain...happy trashy to you too
My hand with the right amount of plastic surgery...Hmmm Jane you gave me an idea if I get my money back. Vaginas on the house!
i am not sure a vagina would look any good on my house josh. what would the neighbours think?
Maybe your right and besides who could sleep in a house when every person that walked by would say "morning ladies".
However maybe a spec home with a gina?
As soon as we find Roscoe we can turn these horse turds into diamonds. Happy Sat. JW
calzone i have no money. dude would you get off on mugging my mother - she has like about $40 in her purse. you hit her over the head and i will grab the purse?
josh, i saw roscoe earlier - he was operating a shoe shine business
Isn't it funny how people with the last name Hunt STILL name their kids Michael?
SHOE SHINE EH? He is playin his cards close to his chest. Bet he is the only shoe shine'r who drives a hummer.
good.bring your bong will ya?
I dunno is your the funniest preson "out dare" or just da hottest ! Would da "hedgehog' be above or below da third boob ? Above would be perfect !
Ms Robyn they should definitely stick to Richard.
He was whistling a tune, Josh. I don't know much about classical music but i am damn sure it was the theme tune of "The A Team"...
Geezer i am coming on over to poke fun at he photo of the dead dog and its weiner on your blog.
Wally its going between the end two tits so that when i run it gets a little rub.
That's great!
I am very impressed!
Mekes me wonder how the other 'third' live!
Merry Christmas to the goddess,
Amanda
My heart agrees, Justin
Thanks Amanda! Hope you are having fun too. I am just about to go out and have a few Jesus Cocktails...
Hang on to your heart, babe. If you split it between two vaginas, wouldn't the pleasure, at its source, get diluted by half? I mean, because it's no longer happening all in one incredible spot?
Dear lord ing. you don't make your living from math, am i right?
1 vagina + 1 vagina = 2 vaginas. 1 beer + 1 beer = 2 beers.
Now stay with me. this is where it gets hard.
1 + 1 = 2. not half.
geddit? lemme know if you want me to use smaller words or different examples.
Hope you had a good day . Merry Christmas from Da Wallycrawler .
Yeah, but 1 exquisite foot massage = 1 exquisite foot massage.
1 exquisite foot massage + 1 sensational chocolate-eating experience = distracting.
One pleasure center at a time, you hedonist.
Thats Roscoe! He is obsessed with that song, he plays it on the French horn all the friggin' time. Then almost every sentence he utters he will add "I love it when a plan comes together". Thanks for the scoop.
Wally yesterday was tops. I slaughtered a mongoose and had it with a nice bit of salad.
ing i relate. i have gotten rid of every scrap of chocolate in my house so i reckon i should be cool now, right?
josh do you have any idea why he went and had that David Hasselhoff tattoo done then? do you think he got his characters confused? poor roscoe. sometimes i think he's bordering on being delusional, you know.
Who are these people and where did they come from? Tried to call all weekend - answer your phone. Have you gone away? Call me beautiful.
e.
You have the coolest blog on the planet!
Okay, I must have eaten two pounds of chocolate yesterday.
JJ: Oh yeah, the David Hasselhoff obsession. I told him I would not talk about that out of respect. Hmmmm "out of respect"? If he really did get that tattoo then I will tell all because I will have lost all respect. Unless its one of those iron on tattoos then I wont say a word.
emmy lovely i can't answer my phone. long story. you will love it.
hey thanks tichara! i am not sure everyone gets into midget fucking and auto erotic asphyxiation, but i am glad you are enjoying reading about it
Ing that wasn't chocolate - it was hashish.
Josh i think the tatt was real. i never met someone with a tatt on their weiner before.
roscoe i need a hero. how much do you charge for an hour of heroism?
Thank you for talking to Satan for me about my delema! My wish came true! I knew he'd come through! Hail Satan and Hail Jane!
Bloddy Marys all around, on me!
oh fantastic news sausage. and here was me thinking that sacrificing your grannie was overkill...
Neat mathematics, Jane.
Gina, Jane, I WISH I'd laid off the hash in my second grade math class.
Badgod you are a real sweety. the world needs more honeys like you. oath.
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