I was mugged today. I am still shaking so please excuse any rude language that I might use in this post. What happened was that I went down to Bondi Beach earlier in the day as I normally do on a Saturday. Not to frolic in the sea or anything gay like that – just to score some weed from my dealer.
Anyhoooo after I had pulled a few cheeky cones behind the police station I got myself some fish and chips and went and hung out on the sand mentally taking notes of which chicks had fatter arses than I do. The score was about 70-30 (not in my favour) when I suddenly got a chilling feeling that I was being watched.
Now lethally trained martial artists like myself know that your best defence is to look about, assess the danger and then flee. Unfortunately today my number came up and I did not have the flight option – I was wholly cornered by a threatening, menacing, nasty pack of butt-ugly seagulls with one stealth mission in mind – my lunch.
The dirty fuckers had it all figured out. One created the diversion by landing on my head and while my arms were flailing about like a drowning tourist the bad boys moved in and stole my battered cod, my slice of lemon and my whole pack of chips one by one.
The chaos of arms and wings! The screeches of seagulls sounding like i just raped one of their babies! The feather flurry!
I pay tax. I demand answers:
- Since when do seagulls eat potato?
- Did they squeeze the lemon on the fish when they got back to headquarters?
- Was it really necessary to rub it in by crapping on my bare leg too?
When I was a child I used to enjoy hours of endless entertainment by feeding seagulls Alka Seltzer (google it if you don’t know what it is you lazy fucks) and chortling as their stomachs exploded from the gas as they flew off.
My childhood hobby along with my brother's support may be my salvation. I am now going to post notices around the whole of Bondi detailing my nightmare and asking others who have been mugged of their lunch to contact me. I will form the Seagull Retribution Society. We will have a logo and all.
Lock up your daughters people. This is war.
60 comments:
Jane,
I am truly moved by your suffering and want to do whatever I can so you can have justice. With that, I want to pass along this email I got today:
Dear Jane,
I am so with you, sister!
Sincerely,
Melanie Daniels (the chick Tippi Hedren played in The Birds
This is definitely a war worth fighting. Let me know if you need any allies on the other side of the pond.
Well if kids stopped hand-feeding the cunts then maybe they wouldnt be so damn fearless of the dominant species.
Instead of targeting the seagulls I vote we take out small children with sniper rifles.
So you're saying that if I feed a SeaGull Alka Seltzer I can watch their stomachs explode? Cool.
The craziest we got as kids was when we'd place an underwater proof M-80 explosive in the shell of a turtle and throw it back into the pond...oh, the horror. Hmmm...how did I grow up to be so normal.
Disprin and Semtex, eh? Never heard of 'em - must be an Australian thing. Maybe I can order 'em via the internet. I'm feeling unordinarily devilish lately.
Killem' then sell then to the elite as squab, the elite dont know shite. Its a win win, you make some cash for some cones, you deplete the gull population and you are given the treat to pull one over on the culinary pretentious. I'll check back later to see how this plan works. Good night and good luck JW
Jane, I feel your contempt. I live two blocks off one of the best beaches in America and it's closed three/fifths of the year due to seagull poop (and winter). The flying rats eat all night at the dump and then shit toxic waste all day at the beach. Yet, they are a protected rat. There are billions of them, but don't get caught feeding them alkaseltzer for fear of jail time.
A long ways away from me is the other great beach in the U.S., Clearwater, in Florida. There, there are signs clearly stating the seagulls will steal your fish and chips.
My buddy, E.J., wondered why and tossed a piece of popcorn he found in a crack of the board walk up in the air, and in short time began to cry like a baby.
Denny, your wonderful, but wrong aunt Olga meant pigeon poo. So, don't fret, unless you've been pooped on by pigeons.
Jane,
I know a guy, who knows a guy who kills things. If you can give me a little better description, I can make your little problem go away.
Jane-
Just got off a sea gull blog- and your right- there's a reward out for you dead or alive.
They're onto you from that alka seltzer thing...RUN!
Does Alka Seltzer Cold work the same way? And may I start with irradicating the goose population?
I am haunted at night by the echo of their honks. The bastards.
Sausage, do I know you?
The Gooses here are obtuse and man hating. They taste good. Greasy, but Mmmmmmm.
You knew seagulls ate Alka Selzer but you didn't know they ate potatoes?
Lets make this international. I live in a town where even the football team is named after them ('The Seagulls', and they are shit).
I had one brazenly snatch my mars bar right out of my hand once. Fucker. It was as big as a dog.
The only drawback to the alka seltzer thing is the mess, however, not pleasant.
Im not sure that a few seagull guts would make much of a difference to Brighton Beach, Lady Muck.
Monk:
i think Semtex is Russian. I found a recipe for it on the internet. shall i pop a batch on for you? i can wrap in bubble wrap and post it over?
Josh:
why don't i simply cook them and set up a seaside stall? who says seagulls don't taste delicious in a breadroll with a bit of tomato sauce. the only problem is the poisen...i might not get council approval to sell arsenic-laced-seagull-hotdogs...
Toby:
you should always try to stay out of jail.
it sounds like this is a worldwide problem. Toby i want you to be the US president of the Seagull Extermination Society. you have the brains, the brawn and the insight into these vile beasts to do me proud.
now about the logo - what do you say we design a giant arsehole with a seagull's beak poking out?
Toast:
fuck. your mate's mate sounds hook. how about we forget the stoopid seagulls and you hook a sistah up with a date?
Madman:
i was thinking of staging a heist on the local Alka Selzer factory. Or maybe i could advertise in old age homes for families of dead old people to donate their unused alka selzer to me? dude i can smell that victory...
Denny:
my god. olga is starting to sound pro-seagull. Really i bet it was her doing all that farting. There is a saying in Afrikaans "eerste ge-ruik het sy gaaitjie gebruik". roughly tranlated that means the person alleging that someone farting is usually the person that farted.
what is it with old people? why do they blame others for their noxious emissions? Denny please let Olga know that the entire blog community is onto her...
Poly:
fuck 'em. i have declared war so their silly Wanted Dead or Alive scare tactics don't phase me in the slightest. You didn't see Napolean running away just because the enemy fought back, did you?
Sausage:
Now see there is another fucking stupid animal (although i assume they don't mug people). pointless creatures. they do nothing other than honk, waddle and poop. and they don't even taste nice unless you use heaps of garlic.
would you consider starting a side shoot-off branch of my new society - the Geese Eradication Authority? your logo can be a giant arsehole with a goose beak poking through?
Toby(2)
are you KIDDING me? goose tastes horrible! please tell me what recipe you followed and i will try it next week substituting goose for chicken. i am sure it will tasted just like chicken.
Zen:
Fuck. What am i - a marine fuckin biologist? i suppose you are going to stand there pretending that you DID know that seagulls ate chips? well i BET you didn't know that they liked a squeeze of lemon on their fish eh mr smarty smarty?
Lady Muck:
jesus. mars bars? my god is nothing safe from these creatures? i hope it still had the wrapper on and i hope it choked to death.
You are SOOOO nominated to head up the UK chapter of my new Society...
Fuckkit:
i think that the seagull guts could be sold as souveniers in Brighton if you stapled a few shells to them?
Roscoe:
um yes very nice but i was mugged by seagulls, not pigeons. but let that not stop us from hating pigeons too. i have plenty of hate to go around and one of my biggest hates in life is birds. i think all birds should be shot.
Roscoe would you consider starting a Pigeon Extermination Society chapter for me? you can be like President or whatever...
Le Chitellier:
nice work mate - very well researched. So could you let me know what Aviation Flu symptoms are so that i can feign it? that way i don't have to actually be sick or start clucking like a faded seagull AND i get to wipe out everything that wears feathers on its back...
The Battle of the SeXs! YES! and if we have the seagull logo with their beak up their arse we could start feeding them poisen - and that way we can have the catchphrase "Eat Shit and Die" on all our stationery.
i am inspired!
Seagulls have always been humanity's worst foe.
Even moreso than the cats. At least they have the curtesy to show themselves.
I joined in the fight. During my afternoon run today I narrowly missed stepping on a crow. I think you had something to do with this Jane.
I haven't read your post yet. I have to cook dinner and then I will. Just wanted to tell you that I just got a webcam...
I've already started working on the geese. I was mugged of my entire loaf of duckie-feeding bread as a child and swore an oath then and there.
Hi Jane! Just a quick visit to let you know that you left your Herpes cream at my house!
Gist:
I have cats. i thought about using them in my War on Birds but what with sleeping, washing their bums and getting their tummies scratched they don't have a spare second in their schedule. such fine, hard working beasts.
Denny:
so moving. you know i believe that Olga is watching over you right now, birthday boy. you should celebrate her life - she wouldn't want you grieving for her. lets build a shrimp shit shrine for her yeah?
Egan:
That crow was me. In disguise. Gauging your committment to the cause. you damn near took my beak off too. Let's just focus can we? First we take out the seagulls and then we move onto the Jewellry Thieves of the Sky
PDD:
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! give us a time and a place! i will be there with my cam! i logged onto Erin's site yesterday but i must have missed the chat?
Sausage:
its your fault! you started feeding the birds! dammit now look what happened - we have a global plague of birds that can't catch their own supper anymore!
Carla:
suck my dick
Denny:
yes i use it for the bags under my eyes
Dorian:
dammit you should have been protecting me Dorian! what use is it having a toyboy if he stands by while my lunch is re-distributed??
They have a seagull repellent you can spray on your body to protect yourself--it also repells woodpeckers, skunks, and goats... But it has a very unpleasant odor and ruins fabric, so you can't wear any good clothes with it. And flies and small bugs will tend to stick to you. But at least you'll be able to eat your fish chips in peace next time.
Jane, I don't understand your crazy mixed up african/aussie/uk lingo...my mate sounds hook? Huh? I don't know what to do now...
Dam "shit hawks" there f'n everywhere . From one continent to another fuck'n fly'n rats . I here they taste like chicken . I figure if ya say that enough the Chinese will start eating them . Why can't we start farming this winged rodents and sell them to China . "Bird flu carrying varmints" !
In my travels to Samoa in the early Fifties, assisting Margaret Mead in her research, I did notice that seagulls curiously donned lobster bibs right before nightfall.
Intrigued, I laid out some drawn butter and lemon wedges.
Sure enough, after nightfall seagulls do in fact boil their catch before eating it.
As for potatoes, I noted that they preferred pommes frites. The seagull has a very discerning sense of taste, and you should be flattered they stole your food. In many cultures, that is considered a positive omen.
Alas, my seagull notes were stolen by this dude at the hotel bar named Richard Bach. I heard he based a book on it, and it sold a few copies.
So you have come to the right place. I know my seagulls.
Cappy:
i have NO idea how you ever manage to eat in your line of business. i have bought the shotgun and lets just hope i aim straight and don't accidentally blast a few tourists off the beach
Vince:
the spray sounds a bit similar to being battered and deep fried. actually it sounds quite pleasant - i might try snorting some
Maja:
fuck - kookaburras are next on my hit list. i'll make those muthas regret the day they stole your beef. War on Terror? fuck - watch this space...
Toastie:
jees that african/australian dictionery i sent you clearly didn't arrive. Hook is a secret word not known to many. i can't tell you what it means until you send me $99.
Wally:
be my representative in Canada! we'll make a killing with all our killing! then we can give up work and masturbate all day
Mongrel:
i think they eat jizz too. if you could see the visciousness with which these creatures attack you would put your mongrel in a very safe place out of sight.
xxaatm:
why thank you. finally some sympathy. see you lot - it's not that hard to be supportive!
Curse the horrid waterbirds! Rats with wings, that's what they are!
Or am I thinking of pigeons? Yeah... seagulls aren't pigeons. Seagulls are more closely related to the robots of my homeland.
Gyrobo:
pigeons ALL wanna be seagulls in the next life. i never met a pigeon that didn't. now i know that they are simply feathered robots..well fuck all i need to do is scramble their micro chips...
Le Chit:
I bet they shit ballbearings...
Microchips, spaceships, car trips, polygrips.
Gyrobo:
my god this is complex business. do you have a spare second hand spaceship detector i could borrow. i SWEAR i'll only use it to knock off seagulls - your 'people' are safe with me
Meredith:
in that case they sound like they taste remarkably like duck
Le Chit:
nononono flakes are good. i can do flakes. you don't mind if i block my nose though? rotting flesh is so terribly pungent. unless you would consent to me spraying you with toilet spray??
I got mugged by seagulls at Darling Harbour when they went for the chips. No manners, not even a thanks!
ChickyBabe, did they steal your PDA as well? Maybe they stole your soul or something.
Jane, I will make sure to stay focussed. Seagulls very very bad, crows: jewelry thieves of the sky. Noted.
Kookaburras? Are those real? I just remember singing some grade school song about laughing kookaburras in old gum trees. They teach us weird shit here in Seattle.
My brother in Sans Scouci, once told me he used to tie two pieces of food together with fishing line and throw them up for the 'sea rats'. Hours of fun.
We had a contractor who had worked at some place, I think it was a neuclear power plant or such, where they had lumps of sodium sizzling around the ground.
Used to stick some in bread and throw them up. He said the resultant explosion was bloody spectacular.
Le Chit:
Bleach it is. do you prefer plain or lemon scented, princess?
ChickyBabe:
my god it seems as though there are organised gangs of these beasts about the place. i hope you managed to spit at them before they fled with the loot
Egan:
yeah we learned that dumbarse song too. and some shit about a dancing kangaroo called Mathilda. i ask you - who calls their kangaroo Mathilda?
tickersoid:
i like that - it sounds a lot cheaper than tons of alka selzer. i am sure it fizzes more too, resulting in a more satisfying explosion
Gav:
sounds fucking perfect. i will even pay the bird to pash our louts. i realise thats a bit like gull prostitution but hey - i'm not proud.
Sorry Jane--I wonder what Seagulls taste like? :)
I for one am going to take the side of the sea gull. The need to eat too. You obviously thought your fish and chips were good, why wouldnt they.
I will have a talk with them, and see if next time they can ask instead of taking.
I know there is a peaceful way to handle these things.
I used to work in downtown Detroit. They are located right next to the Detroit River. Hart Plaza is a gathering point for festivals and people ... and flying rats like the ones that mugged you today. I watched many a person be attacked by these horid creatures. They are everywhere. Something needs to be done.
Now I live in the center of the state far away from most water other than an occasional lake. I still make trips to where I grew up but I am always on gaurd against THEM!
Hey I just had an odd thought ... well most of my thoughts are odd but ...
You don't suppose the gulls are in cahoots with the people that sold you that food do you? They steel the food so you buy more. Possibly they even return the food to the vendor. We may have a conspiracy.
Cezi:
the ones that mugged me definitely taste of fish and chips with a dash of lemon. after my war the rest will taste of sodium
Bloodgood:
you see the thing with you conflict resultion people is that you talk talk talk. blah blah blah. the question is - will you be offering your own lunch up? will you practise what you preach?
Barman:
you are not safe where you live now. they may only circle water now but what when there is no more lunch? the will venture forth you know. Guard your sandwiches is all i am sayin'
Mike:
could you cover fund raising? say maybe a cake sale at your office? i need about $65 to cover the cost of sodium and a bit of stale bread...
Np4J:
I hope that my suffering can at least serve as a warning. if you see ANY seagulls i urge you to RUN AWAY
Le Chit:
please lets not get soft just becasue the Bird Pope is going to have a kind word. Lets remember that the whole species is rotten to the core. Let Bloodgood hang out praying mantras while we guard our lunch
Barman(2)
hmmmm. i remember once going to Thailand and seeing a group of kids who got tourists to pay money to have them set trapped birds free. the tourists coughed up money proud that they were helping the world. the birds were actually homing pigeons.
hmmmm....it seems birds are far more cunning than i gave them credit for...
Egan, if they touched my PDA they would have been blood spilled!
Jane, I did a scream and shout, waved amy arms and legs about like I was having a fit so they went to the poor woman sitting on the next bench. And don't start me on pigeons!
1. Seagulls have loved potatoes ever since Walter Raleigh brought it to the UK and then I'm sure since it was brought to Austrailia too.
2. Seaguls hate lemon. Believe me I've tried and they spit fish with lemon on it right back out!
Strange these sagulls I tell ya.
3. I had to actually open an extra window to remember what this question was, but yes, yes they do.
ChickyBabe:
they probably devoured that poor woman. if you go back there i bet you will find that only a skeleton remain. they probably ate her pet dog too. bastards
Steve:
Hangggggg on a sec. So we are back to Walter Raleigh. He also brought tobacco to the UK. Does that mean that next time i am in Bondi the gulls may also mug me of my weed??
I expect seagull love tobacco as well.
Advice would be to smoke cigatettes inside and full weed joints outside. Just where the cops can't see you!
Steve you are wise. i very specifically smoked my weed behind the police station, not in front of it. One doesn't want to break the law so if they can't see me doing it then its not breaking the law. right?
I was mugged once but it was 2 black guys with a knife.
tich those were seagulls. and it was a knife - they sharpened their beaks...
My friend had this happen to him. He has sworn vengeance upon those evil birds. I think he'll be a charter member of your organization.
Mahd:
Our numbers are swelling. as such. your friend sounds like just the type of hater we need!
"Seagull Extermination Society" logo? I'll see what I can do.
The goose was cut up into bite sized pieces, battered and deepfried then bathed in some type of orange sauce. It was really good. Greasy like dark turkey meat, but really good.
Toby so you cooked your goose?
please do creat the SExS society logo. you may use lots of blood splatters if you like? and flying feathers?
Okay, I'll make one tomorrow.
Oh, please do retribute (is that a word?). I HATE seagulls! They SUCK!
Toby:
make sure there is nothing to do with geese on it. that's a whole different campaign to make them less greasy...
Le Chit:
oh god i hope he doesn't come back with a duck logo
Christi:
i will not rest until every last seagull has been turned into dogfood
Beaks and feet freak me out.
SExS logo here.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA i am ENORMOUSLY delighted! Toby you freaking well nailed it!
i am going to get a mousemat and a coffee mug and a whole bunch of stickers made.
You're a freaking genius! it's amazing!
That was quick. I'm glad you like it.
that is pure gold. it's going in my sidebar...
Wow. I'm truley glad you like it. I have a way with truth in advertising, that's why I can't get a job doing it.
i love it - i am proud to weild it on my sidebar. Cookie are you sure you aren't just a seagull dressed in pink??
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