Vulva. Penis. Rectum.Hands up those of you whose parents used those words to describe your genitals when you were a kid? It seems to me that I am the only person I know whose parents didn't teach their child words such as noo-noo, wee-wee or poo-poo to refer to their junk.
Mind you although my parents did have the balls to call a twat a twat and a knob a knob, I have to say I can't remember them ever needing to say out loud the words 'clitoris' or 'scrotum' in my entire life. And of course like all good parents, they did lie to me prolifically in other areas – my mother solemnly assured me my entire childhood that chopping onions made you cry black tears. I was 18 years old when I discovered that it was her mascara running.
So how is it that kids finally find out that the anatomically correct name for a doodle is in fact a cock? And armed with their newfound biology knowledge do they confront their parents and demand the truth, or does this become a taboo subject that is simply never discussed? If so, does this mean that families continue to call their genitals silly names long after the child has grown up? Do you – the adult – use your embarrassing childhood words to describe your nasties when talking to your parents now to this day? As a parent what words do you intend using on your own children?
Maybe we should just cut the crap and refer to all genitals when speaking to children under 10 as “Cheeseburgers”, yeah?
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71 comments:
How about Ding Dong and cupcake? Speaking of Ding Dongs and burgers, there is a new sandwitch at my local junk food outlet--It's a bun, a hambuger patty, a hotdog, french fries and catsup (chips and tomato sauce) and another bun all in one sandwitch. Tasty!
My god Vince, if we are calling genitals Cheeseburgers, then i think your new sandwich sounds like a gangbang. i don't think children should learn about stuff like that until they are at least 14...
"Do you – the adult – use your embarrassing childhood words to describe your nasties when talking to your parents now to this day?" - Um, I don't have convos with my parents about my naughty.
Speaking of eateries, this one is... something.
i wonder what he feeds that thing?
I don't know...."Cheeseburgers"...then they will think that they aren't kosher.
How about, "Gefilte fish"?
I don't know when the transition happens... I do remember one holiday, a few years ago - my folks and I were at our holiday house, and my brother had joined us that afternoon, after returning from his matric holiday. He went upstairs to shower, and seconds later came dashing down the stairs screaming 'Oh my god! I've got a rash all over my dick and balls!'
We suddenly knew he was all growed up..
Is that "trouser snake" an anaconda?
My god, should that gentleman ever get aroused all the blood would rush from his brain and he would be brain dead in a matter or minutes. That thing is dangerous.
both my parents where working on the early clinical trails for canestan and then viagra when we were in our formative years ....having ya mother ranting on about 'sticky knicker syndrome' and penile dysfunction during dinner , can have a horrible effect on a tender youth
Must be handy having a portable power shower...
Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina.
That line is lost on you as you haven't seen a movie since 1973.
Toby:
I think there should be a law against naming a restuarant Pink Taco. A brothel maybe....not a dining establishment.
Johnny:
By the size of it i think its been eating warm, live virgins. several a day. plump ones.
Anita:
Ah! the old bus education! Imagine if there had been no bus - millions of kids would have utterly no clue on how babies are made. I thought a Bonehead was someone who gave everyone head??
Zen:
Um okay. Gefilte fish? Does this include boys or is it just girls? "you show me your gefilte fish and i'll show you mine..." hmmm....
Karen:
I would be very interested to hear what a woman of medicine will be calling her junk if/when she has any children. or should i be asking your brother that?
MJ:
I think its actully a "shoulder snake". i am not sure that the gentleman can find trousers big enough anymore. he seems rather happy about it though?
Barman:
yes you are right. and of course all of his ceilings would have holes punched in them. Maybe that's how Ceiling Cat got there?
Beast:
To think that you were conceived as a by-product of sticky knickers! wow, how glamorous. your parents totally rocked. Did they discuss orgasms and premature ejaculation at the dinner table too?
Lady Muck:
Well look what the cat dragged in - lovely to see you missy.
I bet that guy would do nothing but moan about his massive dick yada yada. you know what people are like - give them a mile and the'll ask for an inch...
I think my mum said I had a 'willy'.
My daughters were ususlly told to ask their mum.
I do remember explaining where babies came from by talking about planting my seed inside mum, like when you grow a flower. They were very young at the time. I bet they had an image of little pellet things. It was OK for their age I think. All they needed to know at the time, and it was true.
Brooke:
fuck. okay i give up. what movie is that???
oh yeah - and if you don't do a post soon, Ceiling Cat is going to die....
Tickers:
So your mum managed to go through your youth without ever referring to the female anatomy?? WOW!! and did she tell you the see/flower story or was that something quickly made up for your own girls?
My god...having cats is so much easier than all this child rearing. they never want to know they name of their balls - they are too busy washing them with their tongues...
And to think I just added you back to my blogroll.
-Mr. Penis Breath
I remember the sex talk. My dad sat back with one eye and both ears on the telly while my mom did the talking. She always used proper terms when discussing such things. She even had an encyclopedia that had diagrams of man and women complete with plastic overlays so you could get under the skin. I think I was about 6.
When I was a little twerp I always thought sex and making babies were when both a man and woman layed on their backs and for some reason they both began sweating. This conclusion of course was due to soap opera influence. You know the scenes where they have just completed copulation and they lay next to each other all sweaty.
I remember when Nicki was a stripper on the Y&R. This type of programing was not my choice. My mother watched it.
As for nick names for your little private parts. Mine was called farfalina which means butterfly in Italian. This whole time I thought mine was a flower.
Egan:
Your parents called your mongrel Penis Breath when you were a child? I find that most unusual.
Toby:
Plastic overlays? are you for real? no wonder your dad preferred to watch television. So really your mum had an interactive guide long before interactivity was invented. Did your mum ever mention the clitoris??
PDD:
Oh dear...i am rolling on the floor@the sweating thing...that is priceless. I wonder if you thought that babies were made through smoking cigarettes seeing as that happened in the movies too? if so, you must have been terrified when you started smoking as a teenager??
The name of my ding dong is John !!
The encyclopedia wasn't for teaching sex ed, it was just your basic anatomy text. The bottom most sheet had the skeleton, the next had the organs, the next the muscle and finally the skin. My dad only paid attention to the TV at all times. It's one of the reasons my mom kicked him to curb. He's still that way, always glued to the tube.
The only part of the female my mom named was the vagina, she didn't get very detailed, I was six.
Until I was 30,000 years old, I assumed that the mantle of the Earth was completely independant of life processes. Now I know better. The moral is that no matter where you go, parents always lie to their children.
Even these people? The picture in the article shows people who obviously have had contact with the mainstream, but shortly after the devastating Tsunami of December 26, 2004 I saw on CNN these people throw spears at the approaching helicopter. There's nothing wrong with that. I thinks it's wonderful that we still have such diversity on this planet. I hope they don't discover oil there.
Ceiling Cat wants you to know that because of all the threats, he is going to hurl up several hundred hairballs and hide them in the beds of all those that threatened him.
You've been warned...
FewClewz:
Yes I do that all the time - sleep with women to save on my heating bill. honest. that totally why i do it. i discovered a nice little place you can keep your hands especially warm.
I no nothing about banana plantations - i think our friend BEAST knows a heap about bananas though, the dirty pervert.
Henri:
Ding Dong Schlong called John? That's poetry man. pure poetry. I like to call my vagina my Hairy Fairy.
toby:
that book sounds really amazing - it would be a real collectors item now. seriously - i would like to know more about this book and maybe try and get one off ebay. its like interactivity with books and paper...do you remember what its called?
Gisty:
Yes and i personally take great pleasure in lying to as many children as possible. I guess that paper bags don't have any genitals, right? awwww poor genital-less Gisty!
Toby (2)
I am CERTAIN Nicobarians lie to their kids too...i am sure they told them the helicopter was an angry god...
Brooke! Brooke! Brooke!
YAYAYAYAYAYAY the ploy worked! all hail the lovely brooke!
Nice work, gang
Oh yes and that daughter of mine is grounded. what colour should i be showing her?
Oh, and Ceiling cat is a pussy...
I'll ask my mom.
It's not a lie if the parents don't know. The footage I saw, the guys looked like what we call caveman, wearing skins with clubs in hand. Some did shoot arrows, but others trough spears that fell way short of course. It was rather comical, but refreshing at the same time. Until I saw it, I truely believed everyone has been contacted, everyone is wearing Michael Jordan tee shirts.
My last GF's daughter calls the vag the "front butt."
Maja:
You are kidding! your mum actually said "down there"...so she might yell out "Maja, remember to wipe your down there properly"? jees
Toby:
Yes please do ask your mum - and make sure you mention the word Vagina, Clitoris and Urethra just to see how she reacts.
A front butt sounds a bit too much like a Gunt for my liking....
Action
Toby: Mom, do you remember the sex talk? On Victory Avenue, I think I was about six. [mom was 28ish]
Mom: Not really.
Toby: You used a book. The book was an anatomy encyclopedia.
Mom: Hmmm, no clue. [worrying about what's for dinner June Cleaver style]
Toby: Would you mind if I scoure your collection of books that would put the library of congress to shame?
Mom: Go nuts. Let me know if you find any balls of hair left from Brooke.
{A few minutes later}
Toby: Mom I'm surprised. Your entire library is filled with back issues of "Walking" and "Country Life," what gives?
Mom: I'm short on minutes.
Toby: Duh, we all are.
Mom: I miss the lake.
Toby: I'm hungry.
Mom: What would you like, honey?
*points*
This man has a big doodle! Does he draw with that?
I call them rude bits! Maybe I never grew up...
Does he have total control over that thing like a monkey and its tail?
Janey: I started smoking at 14. I am happy to report no babies nor any abortions.
Dorian: I predict back surgery for that dude.
Toby:
that was frigging hilarious - i ADORE the bits of Brooke hairball. I cannot think what on earth your mum has done with that book. did you tell her it was for scientific research? I cannot believe she threw it away Toby.
I think you should also as her if she is CERTAIN she never gave your noodle a cutesy name??
ChickyBabe:
Some of them aren't rude though. some are really plain ugly and rather funny. and some people actually never do anything rude with them anyhow - i was reading about ultra-conservative sex yesterday and it was very bleak. especially if you have a knob that size - a total waste.
Fewclewz:
i know heaps of queens too - i adore queens and for some bizarre reason they adore me. I have called up 3 of them this afternoon to verify your story and you are right! they do call them front bums altough one of my mates make a snarky comment about bums being less slimey. pissy little bitch, he is
Dorian:
Does a monkey have control of its tail or are they just good for clinging on branches? if so, i am sure this guy is FANTASTIC at clinging onto branches. which is VERY uselful indeed i think we all agree. Can you cling on branches with your mongrel, Dorian?? hmmm??
PDD:
Your surrogate daughter keeps telling me how much more fun you are than me. apparrantly you allow her to watch telly til midnight and you feed her chocolate for dinner? Shees...
Gav:
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. You know me and my dyslexia - i totally read that clause to say "INCLUDES RIGHTS TO PUBLISH ON JJ'S BLOG". Fuck. my lawyer tells me in fact that clause says "Gav sucks his own dick". My bad.
Fewclewz:
Yes you are right - this is a Photoshop creation - i admit it. The guy had MUCH more hair - i digitally altered it to make him look bald...
Fewclewz I guess he saves HEAPS of money in scarves...
did you know there is actually a phobia of genitals....but what I dont know is wether its a phobia of your own genitals , in which case going for a piss could get nasty , or wether its everybody elses.Having seen some sights in my time , its gotta be everybody elses , please send me pictures and I will grade you all on a scale of 1 to 10 , of how frightening ya bits are , I bet Jungle Janes makes me scream :-)
ohhhhhhhhh mummy's gonna have scott's balls for breakfast...
Pixie:
Put mummy's scarf back in my sex toy drawer sweetie
Mone:
*vomit*
*vomit*
*vomit*
Oh dear. Those are some man boobs...
Beast sweetie:
my genitals are a work of art. I have sent you a lovely lovely picture for you to enjoy over breakfast...
Scott:
Your mother fucks donkeys. Now there's a revenue stream to be proud of
Pixie:
Mummy has told you a hundred times - they are called "testicles". nice little girls don't use words like 'balls'.
Hmmm... What will I get my kids to call their genitals? Certainly not doodle - I think that word is an Australianism, because the only other person I've heard use it was an Aussie from Brisbane that I dated who still referred to his gear as a 'doodle' - at the age of 30. We didn't last.
Maybe I'll call my son's penis the 'vrus-giver' and my daughter's vag the 'virus-receiver' - so that they're really creeped out and NEVER EVER EVER have sex. Because sex is BAD. BADBADBADBADBAD.
My kids are gonna be really well adjusted...
My parents used to call it "Schnaebeli" ... but he's real name is "Gwörz" - "Spice" hehehe!
My mum insisted on calling everything a "diddly". She made no distinction between male and female genitalia. She also has a thing against the word "nipple" (which she calls "spiders"), and prefers to refer to breasts as "chisties".
In contrast, one of my friend at school had parents who were both doctors. Therefore, he had a penis, and is sister had a vagina.
Another one of my mum's is her name for the teats on a cow: "diddly danders".
My Lovely Husband™ refers to his "noo nah". To this day.
Mother Dear and Old Man Winter always referred to "private parts" as just that. Private parts that were never spoken about. Not ever. Even to this day. I didn't even know they HAD a name until I did sex ed in grade 7.
Fastforward to today at lunchtime while I was on playground duty. A grade 1 boy came running up to me
holding himself and yelling "Shane just kicked me in the penis and hurt my scrotum" at the top of his voice. A very "serious" conversation ensued between Shane and myself about how he shouldn't be kicking people in the penis. Not ever.
I could barely contain the laughter.
Although I do have specific control over my "mongrel" I have as of yet not been able to cling to branches with it, however; I am always trying to build more strength and someday maybe this feat will be achieved.
They learn those proper words from kids at school whose parents taught them the right ones from the get-go...ones like yourself.
as a kid I was taught the correct words until M started cursing AT me...and then I heard: dick. Her fav. I like hoo-haa, 'down south', cat. ( not referring to Ceiling Cat ). I can use cunt, but only in a vicious way: Celing Cat is a cunt! I do not like pussy. Sounds nasty. I like cock. But somehow dick sounds better. ( borrowing from GWAR, I like Nippulus Erctus ). Boobs, breasts, tits. I think I have thought of all the words I use in refernece to mine or others' junque. I have to admit, junk is a good one. We's gotta keeps yerrr junque clean !
BTW, the man-picture you have: be afraid. Be very afraid!
Franks-n-beans. That is a funny one too.
This is a dictatorship, and I am the Big Dick.
a man walks into an Adult store and says he wants to buy a blow-up doll. The dude working says would you like an American one or a Muslim one. The man says, I don't know-what is the difference?
( ahem )
sorry, Sorry, SORRY ! I am so NOT PC today !
One of the longstanding institutions in Seattle is Dick's Drivein, a 50's style hamburger stand, and it fucken ROCKS! The food is cheap, will kill you, and the name of the restaurant appeals to the 8th grader in all of us, especially when you want the most expensive burger on the menu, called the "Deluxe," and then get creative with the name and order a "Deluxe Dick."
Everytime I made that joke, it brought the house down.
Really.
It did.
That would be fine if kids didn't love eating cheeseburgers so much !
Now that could work for people like my wife who , let's say don't eat cheeseburgers as much as she should . If she would eat da burger I'd eat the taco more too !
Wait -- why aren't you setting me up with this fella????
It's not often one gets to see a bigger prick than George W Bush.
Hysterical pic! Glad to have you back Jane! You were gone for ever seemingly! Cheers!
Peter was a good one, there was a fish we used to catch that was called a preachers dick. Long skinny fish with lots of teeth, I think its called an Atlantic Neelefish in other circles. Koochum was good, as for females, boob, tit, and pussy.
I remember fishing with raw squid and kept asking for tome more testicles and the folks just laughed and laughed years laters I figured out the differance between a squid testicle and tentacle. Does this help?
Brooke sent me over to say that if you don't post soon, Ceiling Cat dies...
heheheh Egan.
I got hit by Scott too! What is up with that! I have his email address Janey, I say we sign him up for every bestiality and penis enlargement newsletter we can find.
Hal, aw.. Dick's Drive-in. As a Seattle native I never think twice about the name of that place. Rumor has it there's a mexican fast food joint called Pink Taco that will give Taco Hell a run for its money. What do you suppose they give to the kids with their meals?
Jane!
Toby, how's it hangin'?
My mom taught me all the proper terms. I didn't even shit as a child, I deficated.
Is it ironic my name is Sausage?
Real life:
Action
Toby: Sorry mom, I didn't hear the ring, I was blasting Pete shit
Mom: It's okay honey, when are you coming out?
Toby: More importantly, do you remember the sex talk? Dad was glued to the TV while you pointed at pictures in an encyclopedia?
Mom: Huh? You're coming out tomorrow right?
Toby: No mom, that's next weekend. (the 28th)
Mom: I remember the set of Encyclopdias, they were bound with brown leather.
{My mom is not dumb, she has a convenient memory}
Toby: Yes, but the book you used had a red, hard cover. It was always parked on the same shelf with the others, but was not part of the set.
Mom: I don't know honey. All the things, all the happenings, everything with your dad is gone. I put it out.
Toby: Even the books?
Mom: It's been twenty-five years, yes, even the books. I donated the set of encyclopedias to the Woman's Resource Center, but I have no clue what happened to the book you are asking about.
Toby: Thanks, mom, I'm glad you're not short on minutes.
When i was little mum called it a "Fifi", Now i refer to it as my Gina or vadge. I do believe she called my brothers appendage "pee wee". Not very flattering. Bahahahah!!
Yes Egan, there is a Pink Taco in Las Vegas, and one will be coming to LA later this year.
I wonder if they serve tuna?
Did anyone saw sausage i cant find here,Jane did you eat sausauge?
Jane!
When I was little they unfortunately used the scientific terms - no funny names.
Now I call mine Mr Nate's Wild Ride... HA!
Actually I just call it ding dong.
I'm an idiot.
Ding dong ditch
I think Brooke is really cool.
Yay! I'm cool! Matt says so!
*looks at all the comments and decides to call her junk a beef curtain*
what's a beef curtain? ...maybe I should ask Pixie?
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