Skeeters

Alarm clocks would be a whole heap more practical if they sounded like mosquitoes when they were going off – the dentist-drill sound of a hungry mozzie is living proof that you really don’t have to be large to be effective.

Formerly known as ‘bloodsuckers’ until religious evangelists were invented, the mosquito literally means "little fly" in Spanish. I am not sure if this is similar to Spanish Fly – not even I could incorporate these whiny little bitches into my sexual repertoire.

Male mosquitoes are nectar eaters – it is only the chicks that suck blood. They tend to be attracted to overweight, fair-skinned human males and for all you dirty bastards out there that don’t wash, they also happen to love sweaty people and dirty feet.

Mosquitos have attitude – of that there is no doubt. Flailing arms do not deter them and hiding under the sheets rarely works either – the mosquito knows that at some point you have to come up for air. You are advised to let these scum drink their fill once they have started snacking on you – unless you kill them the persistent little fuckers will almost certainly return for more until they are full.

Mosquitoes are not just annoying – they also happen to be the deadliest animal on earth. The malarial parasite carried by them kills a million children a year in Africa alone. The little blood junkies (mozzies, not African kids) are largely unaffected by even the strongest anti-malarial drugs.

Notoriously lazy little cunts, most breeds fly less than a mile during their entire lifetime making them even more languid than the domestic cat. Unlike cats though, mosquitoes will never ignore you. It is unclear as to whether these little freeloaders have a valid place in the ecosystem at all – unless they were created simply to make flies seem more attractive. It appears that other than killing people and ruining sunsets on the beach, their only goals in life are feeding and reproduction.

The only amusing aspect of mosquitoes is that human male practitioners of penis puppetry can perform 'The Mozzie' – the act of squeezing around the base of the genitals so hard that the shaft looks like the stinger and the balls look like eyes.

That is all I have to say about these creatures. Goodbye.