This morning whilst dancing around the stockpile of pills I will be shoving up my jiggly arse tonight I couldn’t help think about the year that was 2005 and my conduct as a child of christ. New Year is always a good time to take a giant emotional shit and resolve to make a few changes. And I fucking mean it – this isn’t just teary, sentimental pap because it’s the last day of the year.
- I will not say “cunt” at all anymore but I will say “cock” a whole bunch. This is in case I have to eat my words.
- I will stop wearing my Gary Glitter t-shirt when I pick up my niece from playschool
- I will not leave tampons dipped in tomato sauce in restaurant ashtrays.
- I will stop mis-labelling tranny-sex mpegs as humour and uploading them to file sharing servers.
- I will drive past the gym at least once a week.
- I will finish reading “Auto Erotic Asphyxiation for Dummies” and collect some homeless people to practise on.
- I will abandon my fantasy of becoming a sex slave.
- I will stop holding Tubgirl re-enactment parties.
Happy New Year muthafuckas.
33 comments:
Jane you just posted this and it is all very noble.Good on ya. Now I am working on a very imortant global project spanning 24 time zones. I need at least 864 commodes and various and sundry items of a laboratory at sea or desert conditions type. All this is going to take time and money. Thank you in advance, the new year is looming and I got to get this project rolling, it could even make the news if I can pull it off!
We have got to *at least* hang out.
Josh i can help. I have a whole bunch of tampons, a gym membership i don't need, the Sex Slave Handbook and a whole bunch of MPEG's of Honeyhive fisting a dog. would that help?
Honeyhive my resolutions don't apply to you. We still get to be sluts together
next year gonna be boring or what i think i gonna make a movie "homeless in australia"
Henri let's make the movie!
Great quiz Ernesto. can i just say "all of the above"?
Right on billyboydee. i never met anyone who could set fire to their bush in a swimming pool before...
you forgot, Honeyhive. I held the dog down.
Boobies yes i thought it was a nice touch and a quick response. it seems i can blog on request. I will think of you both when i have my finger up my arse tonight. Find yourself another gimp - i've decided to join the church.
Sausage, cunt was just made for you! i might have to borrow it back for a few days next month - its senseless overlooking an opportunity to offend the masses...
I don't usually do this but I have one New Years resolution to stop eating pussy . I figure if I stop now my wife will leave me in a matter of months . Maybe three or four . I'll Be divorced in say a year . Free to eat pussy again . I'll be back at my old stomping grounds jam'n 10s and 20s in G-strings and ball'n stripers ." Nice " . Now what about the money ? Da wife makes all the money , what to do ?..." Goes to show you , never make resolutions when your drunk . "Happy New Year Double J."
Happy New Year!
I hugely dig that Gary Glitter, man. Reggaetón is so dope. . .
And oy, tubgirl. Good call on nixing the reenactments. Stop the cycle! I mean, dear god, what do you think she uttered before she had to eat those words of hers.
Have a blast on the 31st, sweets.
Since you're givin all this stuff up, can I have it?
Jane you are so helpful I am going to make you an officer on this project, which means the non-coms have to do every thing you ask. One more favor I needat least 864 digital video cameras and some spares, 864 computers attached to some sort of servo system and some spares put the Tampons on ebay to raise some jing and forward honeys Mpeg Thanks gotta run JW
Jane, I'm off to party but I wanted to tell ya, have a good time tonight, just what ever ya do, stay outa jail cuz I only have 2 dollars and 38...40....yep 42 cents for bail money. However, if ya call me at the pub, I will take up a collection. Assumin I can hear the phone by that time. Still hoping Fred will let me sing with the band. So far all I get to do is hold up a sign. And somehow I got that upside down last time. Oh well, no worries, we're startin a whole new year!
Have a good one!
and which one of those are you going to break first?
The test was indeed lame, bad taste. but your blog is well cool:-)
ta terro - everyone loves a great shyte
Larry the slave dream must go. you didn't see Mother Theresa signing up for sexslavehood, did you?
Wally have you considered that she may not leave you - she may just get a gun and shoot you instead...
ing my friend i will stop the parties. but then you have to stop nagging me to throw them and for you to go first. deal?
Josh, an Officer? Wow! Does that give me rank over Roscoe? I can't get 864 computers, but i can get 971 dot matrix printers. I am so excited to be part of this Josh. Let me know if you want me to sell my grandmother to a dog food manufacturer to raise cash too.
Crabcake i stayed of out jail but wasn't so lucky with the gutter. my night was carnage - i am just glad i didn't say anything about not fucking twin dwarves - my resolutions would have been broken.
Johnny menace i have huge amounts of willpower and i figure people forget about the silly resolutions you made about a week into new year. I am very certain i can last another week...
Ah, Jane. Jane, Jane, Jane. I'll stop nagging you to throw those parties when you stop paying me to nag you in front of your friends, as they've grown deaf now to your incessant nagging.
As you know, the one who goes first doesn't have to lie in it. So yeah, good resolution, because I was starting to worry about you and your tendency to hustle to the back of the line. . .
Jesus Ing, where is your festive spirit? is all of this negativity simply because i sold the video of you in the tub for a few lousy bucks? you can relax - i did insist that they only view it privately you know. i am sure it won't appear anywhere on the internet. I needed the proceeds of the sale to buy dot matrix printers for Josh...
No negativity here; you've always been good for a loan or a beer. But please, don't be so modest about the picture of you in the tub, Jane. You're always trying to pass the torch.
[Seriously, though, I bet you throw a mean party.]
I spent the last of my savings on Josh's commodes. And I'm getting a leetle bit weary of helping him out. To what ends do we toil? I need to know!
well. i am not sure if you know this but you are my mate and therefore you should be told. i have been made an Officer by Josh. The power is all i need. I fail to see what you are getting out of it but i promise not to boss you around too much.
Jane We can use the Matrix printers all of them, data data data! This is fantastic news and I feel so good about it I posted on my site an homage to your church.
ing: You can be an officer.
Rank over Roscoe, a womans wiles is rank enough.
Josh i have also collected 94 second hand bongs. We have $9.12 additional from the sale of Ing's rude video too. Only thing is that it's Australian $. But it's a step in the right direction, do you think?
Is it time to think of a name for our Church? and how about your New Grand Experiment?
Me, an officer? Gosh!
Yay! Ing's got rank! i hope we get a cute uniform, Ing. I am gonna start practising goose stepping today...
I'm going to try out that Mujahideen march thingy. I hope we get cute little hats.
So how was the party down there Did you drink your braincells death ?
and cute little guns, Ing
Bad Taste your picture of me on your blog just rules. in the background there should be a cauldron boiling with some strange bloke in it...
I thought we agreed i am your sex puppet Calzone?
Don't give up the sex slave fantasy.
Name for our Church Hmmm? I think it should be something catchy. Hand Bongs? What the fuck we can use them. Yes you can wear uniforms and cute little hats, so can Roscoe.I'll dress myself...ing: Glad your happy to be an officer.I trust you all but I cannot divulge what is going on, but you will be so proud to be a part of it, I promise!
I am already so proud, so very proud. Can I have one of those tight little RPGs? And which do you think would go better: a Kalashnikov or an AK-47? I'm kind of small-boned.
Yay!
Well, I'll be disappointed if you stop saying "cunt". In ancient writings, the word "cunt" was synonomous with "woman", though not insulting in meaning. It's detrimental meaning started, with who else, medieval clergymen, who decided that any thing which resembled a woman's "opening" was sinister, and thus holy caves, wells, mountainous grooves, etc. were called "cunnus diaboli or "devilish cunt".
Now, there's nothing I hate more than medieval clergymen. I think us gals should take the word cunt back, like the blacks took back "nigger" - you know, only we chicks can say it, or else you'll get a cap in your ass or something.
Thanks Marcus - I shall turn in a circle, rub my belly and say CUNT in your honour:-)
I'll give it a week drunkbh - hopefully by then everyone forgot my stupid resolutions...
Josh i don't care what our mission is - if it's good enough for Ing its good enough for me. The Uniting Church of Hand Bongs it is...now where is the wine for the communion?
Ing, go the AK47 - they are so timeless.
You are right Ms Robyn - let's re-claim the cunt as our own! if you are black and female you may also use the term Nigga Cunt. sweet.
The "little black dress" of armaments, yes. Didn't Audrey Hepburn carry one, back in the day?
United Church of Hand Bongs...I'm hep with that, and yes lets get some fire arms because some of our recruits will be stationed just off somalia which is rife with pirates at this moment... After some thought they are still rife with pirates. We will give them guns and you all ( can loot the offering plate for cute little outfits)! Damn I thought this was going to be a joke but its turning into something very, very important! Strenth JW
Post a Comment