Listen up y’all. Toilets are not just for furtive sexual relations and taking drugs - they are also good for female social bonding, disposal of unwanted dead parrots and taking calls on your cellphone. If the God Squad had their thinking caps on they would abandon worshipping religious shapes on toast and consider the symbolism of bog roll taint - shit is sooo special.
Bizarrely it seems that most of my homies are vastly uncomfortable with having to take a crap at work! Not so me - with the exception of weekends when I drop by my local church to do a holy shit, generally I only produce faecal matter in the workplace. I don’t mind using their cheap scratchy loo roll that doubles up as sandwich wrap – the fact that its free makes it worth putting up with anal bleeding. I also love that I am getting paid to do a dump – at my current consultancy rates I am earning eight aussie dollars for every load I drop! Some nights I eat curry so as I am justified in charging overtime the next day!
I love that I start my working day with a cheery g’day greeting to the toilet bowl – scat makes the flowers grow and that's real beautiful.
Crap plays a HUGE part of my personal entertainment during working hours. I like to wait until I see someone I hate go off to the loo and then tiptoe in quietly after them so that they mistakenly think that they are alone. I only make my presence known after about a minute and I usually do so by knocking sharply on their cubicle and cheerily asking them to pass over some loo paper.
If I am feeling mean or the vendetta I wish to fulfil is particularly nasty I enter the bathroom loudly about a minute after they have gone in, knowing my presence will cause them to break into dead dead silence and muscular immobility. I love to yell out their name in a greeting - “Hello Doloris” I squawk, knowing that the Accounts poon will be clenching her butt so hard she will be making involuntary noises. I then proceed to fuck about for ages, whistling softly. I brush my hair, i adjust my labia in my pants, i wash my hands and then i apply some make-up at length. Poor Doloris.
Anyhow. Enough about my stuff. How was your day?
64 comments:
My day has been, appropriately, shit. Literally AND figuratively.
Waking up first thing to cleaning SHIT from the crate of a puppy who will surely go on to guard the seventh level of hell.
Tried to post an audio post to my blog, and the playback was SHIT, and I sounded like a chipmunk on meth.
Thanks for making me smile.
I spent most of my day locked in a toillet...someone was making noise outside and I didn't dare to go out.
But I had a good time in there ;-)
Hussy:
i LOVE that my shit puts a smile on your face. i would like to think that you have a chocolate milk moustache right now.
i still want to eat your strudel, you know.
Die Murane:
I gather you were practising your Afrikaans while you were trapped?
I have a guy at work , he seems OK , but he's very disturbed . He has a shit everyday in the handicap stall doesn't wipe [No paper in da bowl] , doesn't flush ,leaves his crap in the bowl for all to see and leaves , never washing his hands . How do I know ? I had the misfortune of going in the stall after him ! I told a couple of guys and some guys had the same experience . Now everybody knows it's him ! Da pig !!!
m'okay Wally i have to admit i am all out of ideas. i crap, sniff the air gingerly and then get the fuck out.
do you think he's maybe an artist? should you post a pic on your blog?
I see you brush your hair, adjust your labia, apply make-up, but I didn't see anything about you shifting your boobs around?
maybe it's just my fantasy!!!
Can you spare a square?
Don't waste the waste. I never give my shit away. It's too freakin' valuable to let the city have it even if I'm being paid by the hour!
Save it in a bucket under yer desk. If you mix it with vegetable scraps and dried leaves it only stinks a little.
Flush the paper away but keep the poo!
Didn't I read that your home loo is outside? Hell, if mine was outside, I'd crap at work too.
I had a boss once, an annoying fat fucker I hated, that picked his nose all the time, SERIOUSLY. He walked in one day and found the latestest three inch thick financials on the corner of my desk and said, good, I need some reading material, as his skipped his ass off to the restroom.
God I don't miss that job.
My day is good, I yelled at the asshole paintball man this morning as I snatched the paintball gun from his sweaty little hands. MilkMan had a major melt down in the store, so he hurriedly brought it over so as to avoid an asskicking.
Thanks for asking. :))
You always know how to cheer me up! I love you more than I love Satan, murder and weed...combined.
So. That was you outside my stall door singing, "Come on baby light my fire"? I suspected as much considering the strong aussie accent.
FYI I have been constipated for 5 days now. My skin has begun to turn a troublesome shade of mocha. I am irritable and ...yes....gassy.
I may never poop again. Every time I sit down in my head I hear, "lightmyfire lightmyfire lightmyfire". It's disturbing.
Oh and don't think I don't know it was you who knicked all the toilet paper out of my stall. leaving me to clean up with the tail of my shirt. Cute.
I am going back to the john now. YOU stay put.
Wayne:
I have a fantastic rack. i don't need to re-arrange them. i am prepared to comprimise and tweak my Narnia in your name and extra time though?
PDD:
i never share my squares. i like the discomfort that people feel once they have started shitting and then realise there is no paper. aren't i a silly little bean?
Ticharu:
okay. i will shit into a bucket and keep the scraps for you. i will also place a small australian flag in it if you like?
Milky:
I do have an outside dunny. I also have an annoying boss. does this mean maybe me and MrMilkyMan may be related?
Sausage:
My soul purpose in life is to make you happy. Please move to Australia. they give you free weed when you arrive at the airport. Oath.
Henri:
My granny is wrapped and on the way. please send the coke and a photo of you naked.
PDD:
my poop shoot is the centre of the universe
Crabby:
Now it's my fault that you are full of shit? god. americans are so unreasonable. all i was doing was seranading your pubic hairs.
I had my poop glands removed. I neither poop or pass gas. I miss both, but my parents were very controlling and strict. Other than that It has been a splendid day!
The coke is on his way but the picture i dont find so i have to search better or longer in the mean whil can you send me a pic of you (Naked )!!!
My day has been ok thus far. I didn't mess with any people doing their business in the office can, but there is a small chance I blacked out and killed five people.
That is some of this funniest shit (literally) that I have ever read.
When I want to irritate someone that is in th stall, I just flip the light switch and walk out the door. Our restroom has no windows and it is completely black with no lights. They will either have to walk about ten feet with shit trailing down their ass or make an attempt to wipe their ass in the dark.
I prefer to shit at work, because doing it in my ensuite attached to my room generally makes my room smell like poo. I'd much rather inflict that on my fellow workers.
I hate it when someone else comes in though. Or worse, is when someone else is already in there doing a poo (and trying to be as still and silent as possible because I've come in) and I sit there silently waiting but they never leave. I don't know why I care if they know I'm taking a shit, but it's a private time I don't want to share!
Drunkbh:
i love your prank very muchly. many people would be uncomfortable with wiping their arse in the dark. i am going to do that, but as i switch the light off i am going to play scary horror-film music too.
Maja:
You are in a viscious circle, girl! both of you are frozen and unable to poo. one of you needs to give in, complete the ablution and rush out before anyone can see you. i suggest that whoever got in there first should finish up first.
do you know you will get to recognise who is in the cubicle next to you by the sound of the splosh of their turd? oath.
Yes of course I am full of shit.This has become a memo for the simple reason I can not consistantly keep making the same grammar and spelling errors consistanly so I am with this post going to cut and paste and post. Keep on the lookout though. Someone has my blog id and shit (word of the day) and is posting small little insults to fellow bloggers in my name, just enough to piss them off. As I have said in the past, "I'm an arse" but I am not out to beat people down. So keep in mind if you receive something negative towards you (out of the ordinary) it aint me its this fucking doppleganger that seems to be running amok in the blog world. Peace baby peace and shit like that... JW
I have a bunch of toilets for free, you pay the shipping and they are yours!
Josh:
you're my buddy - i know you won't speak shit about me. Now be a luv and get me a beer please.
Wally:
it's not surprising. shit is hot...
I'm on the next plane to Australia. I promise to eat a whole jar of kimchi before I board and shit the stinkiest, most foul load as soon as we reach cruising altitude. It will make the O2 masks drop. Oath.
yayyyyyyyyyyyy Satan's arrived. buttfucks all round! drugs! whores! shaved pink mice!
Ms Robyn
i you got paid to shit like i do you would be making a fortune! have you ever considered shitting for a living??
Sausage:
Come downunder! Satan hangs here all the time too. just don't wear pink and bring your own loo roll, yeah?
Henri:
Once again i have come to your rescue. Please check your inbox. oh and make sure your boss is not standing behind you. i forgot to mention that on the last mail. ooooooops!
Jane, you are a delicate flower, an enchanting lace snowflake, a gentle zephyr.
I am, of course, madly in love with you.
Well then, off to check on my dearly beloved, my marital aid, my baking meatloaf.
I like your new pic, Jane. Are you really that cute?
Erin:
I am your adoring servant you know. i want to read your book NOW and then use it as a Wedge. It will be called Erin's Wedge.
PDD:
that is me. i haven't been called cute before. i have been called odd several times though
Hey, going for a haircut, from my sisiter she charges like $55.00 a pop but I get half price since I'm family. Her hair color was identical to yours up to a few months ago. Maybe your her evil twin, or the other way around. Hmmmm Cant wait I always leave the saloon being chased by women kinda like the beetles, I get an awesome cut the chicks dig a man who has big hair.
Sis: "How do you want it this time"
Josh: "Fluffy and pile it high"
Jane JANE J A N E is that you ?
Cool Jane You realy rock!!!
Thanx for the Penis Operation how can i ever pay you back ...
yes people its me. i consist of more than one black and white nose and eye.
Josh:
I bet you are a real spunk with all that fluff. i think you should wear frills on your shirts and lots of paisley. i would SO be in love with you if i wasn't already in love with Erin and her Wedge.
Hope:
I hear you mate. I sometimes spend hours picking my nose at work for the same reason too. I think you should have put "I like to shit at work" as number 100 on your list of things about you.
Henri:
I thought you would like it. if i was better at photoshop i would have put your head on that guy. Mind you - if i was good at Photoshop i would have put your head on the girl..
So Cap'n if i did then technically could we say i float your boat?
Tell me CC...where is your parrot?
Jane, my day was good! I am glad that there is someone else out there that appreciates crapping!
Mike:
People don't use the toilet for entertainment nearly as much as they could do. i find that strange.
Cap'n:
I assume 'dropping an anchor in my lagoon' is an American term for taking a shit in my loo?!
Nothing like saving up all day and then getting paid to drop a loaf, I've made thousands this way.
I'm quite partial to leaving the occasional upperdecker!!
Dorian i am making so much money from crapping i am thinking it wouldn't be cheeky of us to claim air freshner as a tax deduction...
Count me in! i do get seasick though so i might vomit on the job...i doubt you will notice with all the shit flying around though...
jane if i came down to visit a public bathroom in australia would you give me the glory hole treatment
what sucks about being the lord of the underworld is that you dont get paid for taking a crap
but since i have an eternity in hell it really doesnt matter
its not like anyone is getting paid overtime down there
Captain Carl:
that sounds ace - excuse me while i go dry hump the mast.
Josh
Erin O' Brien. Author of the best novel in the world. I am her new crazed stalker fan.
Satan:
I would like to think that i am your representative down here in Australia. I have stamped your logo on every toilet in the country, including the churches. Next i am going to claim all priests as yours too...
Lady, i am so happy that my shit has made you realise that you are loved!
shit the priests have been mine for as long as i can remember
those guys know how to party down
they just need to check ids at the door
how about the nuns? you want them too or are they too dry to do anything with? i guess you could always use them as doorstops?
c.o.r.n.h.o.l.e.
(I just wanted to say that. It's a handy word, don't you think?)
If you're paid to poop, doesn't that take all the fun out of it?
Ing:
c.o.r.n.h.o.l.e is frequently referenced in the bible. it must be a pure holy word...
Hee! Doesn't work as well for men. At least, not around here it don't.
We tend to congratulate eachother on the quality, volume and audio volume of our bodily functions.
Jane, I love your new avatar!! Your hair .... surely is fire engine red, LOVE IT!!!
Hey JJ like the new [old] profile ! Thanx for da wood !
Jane you shouldn't waste any more words on that captain fella. You need to follow the sweet sounds of the Sirens to the land of the immortals and enjoy a week of Satan and Dorian. We've been around for centuries and with that kind of time on your hands pleasure is becomes your number one goal. The idle mind is the Devil's playground, just ask Satan.
safetinspector:
i wish i was a man in that case. it sounds like you should be making a DVD and swapping them amongst each other....
blogsnob:
oh it was ages ago. but i just re-sent it to your MSN addy.
Milky:
there are changes rumbling in the jungle template - i think i am sticking with the cartoon not the red hair pic...
Wally:
i hope you were at work at the time? no sense in tossing off in your own time, eh?
Dorian:
i was kind of hoping to chew and spit out the Captain this week and save you two freaks for all eternity....
Eternity that sounds good, plenty of time to explore each other in eternity. Don't forget to bring your galoshes and nipple clamps!!
Jane i cant get an erection with this bloody cartoon give me red hair jane back !!
Yeah, the red hair Jane was too short lived.
Hi Jane,
If you haven't already, you should read Charles Bukowski. He weighs in often on poop matters.
By the way, nice blog.
I discovered it today.
-Hal
Captain:
nice one. can you start by doing my laundry and passing me a beer while you are up?
Dorian:
I am using my nipple clamps to keep my keep my bag of cat food sealed tight. i have some vice grips spare though...
Henri:
say hi to your boner from me...
PDD:
The tribe has spoken. Red it is...
Hal:
i am not normally this rude on my blog. honest.
Ahhh.. I knew if I boycotted your blog, you'd put the red back on, thanks ma'dear.
Did you miss me while I was gone? :D
Milky:
Dear gawd please don't tell me that you too were suffering from erectile dysfunction?
Captain:
i don't wear undergarments but i am happy for you to sniff under my skirt if you like?
I love all this toilet talk!
Jane you are a strong woman but despite your protests I have put your link on my site. Guilty by association. So be it JW
Polyman:
i guess i do talk a lot of shit...
Josh:
I am stoked and be assured you are on my list the second i get off my lazy arse and install it. i am your number one fan as you know. and will continue to be if you would kindly get me a beer while you are up.
Jane, I'm so happy to hear that you are one of les sans culottes, a member of the tribe. Just be sure you don't catch cold. Didn't your gran warn you about that? I mean, before you traded her off?
Thanx Jane you sard My day !!
Ing:
my granny is african. we don't know much about winters. she did warn me of the perils of not adding enough yeast to my homebrew beer though...
Lady:
i know! these bizarre lengths people are going to to disguise plopping sounds is nothing short of stupid! even more silly is that these same people don't mind if others overhear them pissing! whaaaaa?
Henri:
I would HATE to stand in the way of a nice tug. i am happy to have been of service.
I supply a can of Lysol (Berry scented at present) to my preferred stall in my office restroom. Anyone and everyone is free to use it (as far as I am concerned), but as far as I can tell, I am the only person who does. I use it before to sanitize the seat, during to make it easier on the noses of unfortunates who come into the restroom while I'm thusly involved, and after to sanitize and deodorize the area for the next bowel mover.
I poop at work an average of two times a day. My personal record is four, I think. Maybe five.
Garrett i can see you take your movements very seriously and may i say how impressed i am with your toilet generosity.
i can only but pray that one day i can perform such frequent, fragrent stools.
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