A yucky soggy tampon string squelching around your knickers is pretty fucking gross, let me tell you. Does anyone know why the strings are soooooo fucking long? Tampons strings should emulate trousers and come in lengths - Short, Regular or Tall. Alternatively tampon boxes could come with a ruler and cutter on the side so that ladies could measure up and trim the string according to their requirements.It has of course occurred to me that possibly I simply have a freakish twat – although I have in the past enjoyed recreational fisting with my lady-friends I have never actually fisted myself and am therefore unable to make accurate comparison. No one ever lost their head up there to my knowledge either - although I did hear some muffled cries for help south of the border the last time I got back from holiday.
Now being a woman of science, I approached the mystery mathematically. Clearly I either have a hilariously short vagina or tampon string designers are all married to blue whales. What I do know with certainty is that my particular brand of tampon and its string measures out at a whopping 10 inches (25cm). After having sat on a ruler and marked my cave entrance with a piece of chalk I can report that – once I had removed the splinters – my vagina turned out to be a bit like a french fry – a mere 3 inches (8cm) long.
Making a note to ask Karen Little to kindly measure and report back to me the vaginal lengths of all of her patients, I decided continue my investigations and check out other women on my local adult sex site. Unlike the men’s section where penis size is a category (It’s amazing how many guys on the internet have 9 inch cocks) women’s vagina size is not. I immediately emailed the site administrator suggesting that they add a cavity depth category for ladies – I recommended they offer checkboxes labelled Grape, Orange or Watermelon to make it more feminine and less clinical.
So here I am now sitting at my computer and chewing the end of my ruler, and I have to say that I am just as confused as when I started: If my 3 inch vagina is normal (awaiting confirmation from Karen Little) and tampons in Australia are the same as everywhere else in the world yet most men have dicks that are 6 inches (9 inches if you hang out in chat rooms) then I think its clear to see the human anatomy is really quite fucking flawed and in fact the female vagina is totally way too small.
Fuck. No wonder we all end up having anal...
59 comments:
i couldn't care less.
but i like french fries.
Oh my gosh Jane. I would never have guessed that 3 inches was normal. That seems short to me as the tampons themselves are that size at least (not that I have measured). So I did a quick search and found this on Go Ask Alice. Oh as to the string, don't they make some brand that does not have a string? Now let me think about something a little more pleasant.
===
Yes, just as the vagina has the capacity to expand, allowing for the passage of a baby during childbirth, the vagina also has the ability to elongate during intercourse to accommodate a penis. As you mentioned, for some women, the depth from the vaginal opening to the tip of the cervix is 3 to 4 inches when they are not sexually aroused. Other women may have a vaginal depth of five to seven inches. Regardless, during arousal, blood flows to the genital area, and sexual excitement causes the upper two-thirds of the vagina to lengthen by forcing the cervix and uterus to ascend. The vagina also lubricates to help ease penetration.
Some people think that the vaginal canal is a continuously open space. However, this is a misperception. Think of the vaginal canal as if it were a balloon that is not filled with any air. The walls, which have the potential to expand and elongate, gently touch one another. When something is placed inside, they mold around the width and accommodate the length of a penis, tampon, finger(s), or sex toy.
Sometimes during penetration, a penis or other object inserted in a vagina does hit the cervix. This may be an indication that the woman is not physiologically aroused enough; when she is more aroused, her vagina will elongate and her cervix, the neck of the uterus, will lift up and move out of the way. Other times, contact with the cervix can happen if a penis is larger than average or if the thrusting is too deep. Communicating with a partner about the discomfort — "Ouch, that's a little too deep" — and changing sexual positions may be helpful.
===
I am wearing a tampon right now damn it! And a pad. I have to use both simultaneously, my period is that heavy.
I had problems for many years with the tampon. My vagina was abnormally too small to accomodate even those teen slim ones. I am not bragging, I am being serious. And there's nothing to brag about, it's not fun trying your mightiest just to insert the tinest fucking tampon known to man. I was 18 when I was finally able to use tampons -the normal ones.
As barman has explained, my vagina is all different sizes and different lengths depending on what's going on up there.
This was a very funny post. I especially love the ending.
I sure hope that 3 inches is the norm. Then I know that Ive got that much covered and I dont have to feel so bad. Ha-Ha. Good to see your back Janie. i figured its about time to stop lurking and post a few comments on here. Love you and your blog.
Like a snake dislocating its jaw to swallow a big rat.
I am glad to see that you put it out there that most dicks are not 9". Those guys are so damn funny! As for tampon strings...once upon a time they made these "natural" tampons, OB. They were STRINGLESS! ( then you get to put your finger UP there to pull the used tampon out ). Now if that isn't a lovely thought.
Anxiously awaiting Karen's reply as well.
HURRAH my knob is exactly three inches long....JJ we are made for each other
*** does a little dance***
Aaaahhh... No pressure or anything...
Well, the last time I tried to insert a ruler into a patient's vagina, she tensed up real bad and sent the speculum flying across the room, so I'm afraid I won't be able to do the full series you requested. What I can tell you, however, is that I can just reach the tip of the average woman's cervix with my middle finger, which is as long as your very own vag, JJ - a mere 8cm. Add a centimetre or so for the posterior fornix (the part just behind the cervix), and the average fanny is about 9cm long. So you're normal.
Go Ask Alice is quite correct in her description of what happens during arousal when we get all stretchy, and so it is possible that the average 9cm woman would be able to accomodate the average 16cm man.
I have a theory about the exceptionally long string though: someone (who isn't getting any action) inserts a tampon on the last day of her period. It being the last day and all, she doesn't bleed enough to soak the tampon, and so she doesn't get little spots in her knickers. Not getting little spots, she forgets that she's supposed to be menstruating. Then because she's not getting any action (even from herself), there's nobody to remind her that there's a big woolly tube in her vag, and she forgets about the damn thing entirely (yes folks, some people are this retarded). Five days later, she presents to her GP with a discharge rivalled only by gonorrhoea in consistency, colour, and smell, or at her local casualties, suffering from toxic shock syndrome (read your tampon boxes, ladies - TSS is on there) due to the sepsis caused by the thousands of little bacteria that have found a warm and nurturing home in the woman's filthy old tampon. She then dies from the shock, and her mother sues the tampon factory because it's their fault. The tampon factory vows never to let this happen again, and attach a string to the end of the apparatus. In this way, even if you forget about your tampon, your friends/family/colleauges are sure to remind you by saying 'Ehem... you've got a little bit of blue string flapping around your ankle...'
Hope that clears up all the confusion!
Then owls and bats
Cowls and twats
Monks and nuns in a cloister's moods
Adjourn to the oak-stump pantry They talk't of his having a Cardinalls Hat
They'd send him as soon an Old Nuns Twat
I hear ya, I am always trying to find a place to cram the damn string!
This is all simply fascinating.
The strings on the tampons are so long in case Count Dracula wants to use them for a teabag.
I'm afraid I have nothing constructive to add to this discussion.
I feel like you could just come to me directly and ask me questions, but you haven't....
Malcom
Die Murane:
On this occassion it looks like your french fries are dipped in loads of tomato sauce
Barman:
I love you very much indeed. Not because you have re-inforced the perception that because i am veyr short in stature, so is my twat. but because you went to a lot of trouble to let me that that - other than the head you saw accommodated on some chicks video - i might be okay with the average dick. I was dying here waiting for Karen to show - thanks Barman for re-assuring the ladies in the meantime.
Barman do you think i could buy a fake cervix so that i can con men that i am not sufficiently aroused?
PDD:
I am amazed any men commented at all. But actually (aside from the fact that i didn't really measure my twat with a ruler - i measured it by marking the length on a tampon string) i really do want to know why they are so fucking long. of course i curl them up and pop 'em back up again but you can't guarantee they won't pop out again.
Why do men have nipples? fuck who cares - why are tampon strings so long is more relevant.
Strow!
Good to see you too! i am really glad you are still lurking about and enjoying it. too bad the subject matter is dripping women today - i was expecting a collective ewwwwwwwwww from the boys.
Toby:
I would like to think that my French Fry is a little bit more feminine that a snake dislocating its jaw. On second thoughts you could be right – although in some cases its just a baby brown mouse they are catching
~d:
My god are you being serious?? Stringless tampons?? For real? Fuck. That seems like a really bad idea – I would hate to have to wade about in there with 2 fingers trying to get it out. Jesus what is wrong with Tampon Designers – simply make the string shorter! Or maybe make it like a garden hose where you can unwrap just as much as you want, right?
I think Karen delivered a beautiful answer and so did our lovely Barman.
Beast:
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY you are offering to be my tampon? Fuck, are you Prince Charles in disguise??
Karen:
Okay I am VERY impressed at you pretending you don’t measure your patients with a ruler in order that you can cheekily finger them instead. Nice move, Karen – I’m very impressed. I have another theory about your Toxic Shock Theory though: A girl who is not getting any action delibertately leaves her tampon up for 5 days after her period. She then goes to the doctor who faints from the smell and being grossed out and then she sues his estate for giving her Toxic Shock. Naturally she goes out and gets laid when she gets the payout.
Thank you for clearing up the confusion – see, being a woman of science and medicine myself I knew that my experiment was incomplete until my Man On The Ground in South Africa had reported in. Thank you. If ever you need help measuring vaginas I will be happy to do some fisting for you.
Henri:
I know not of Nun's twats. do nuns have twats? surely its a waste of a perfectly good twat? don't nuns have to hand their twats in to the church when they find god??
Tumble:
Its especially annoying trying to cram it back up when you’ve just been slicing garlic or chilli. No one wants a muff that smells like garlic and few of us enjoy the sting of fresh chilli.
Dongly:
Well yes it would be for someone who has a very large tampon strapped to the front of their body, right?
Zen:
So what you are saying is that Count Dracula has a teacup that is 25cm high? Fuck. That’s a lotta ‘tea’. I am not really sure I could deliver that much ‘tea’ in one go
Morbid:
Surely you can chatter along about French Fries? Or fisting? Or the many uses of rulers?
Sheri:
Fuck. There must be a way to measure. I didn’t actually use a ruler. Could you perhaps ask your hubby if he minds inserting himself into you then marking it oiff with a pen? Thing is – we are looking for unaroused here and not about to give birth. Those are false figures.
I am gonna do some stretching exercises – I don’t wanna be the cause of a new saying “short chick, short twat”…
Toasty:
I would have asked you, but you were all bloody and grumpy. And anyhow, I am doing this to assist you – nobody wants all that string hanging about and really I am just trying to find out if you are normal. I really didn’t expect that you were only 3” long, dear Malcolm. I just didn’t want everyone thinking you’re a freak, yanno…
I smell another coffee table book Jane.
In order to clear up any misconceptions about my favorite tampon, OB's did not have a stringless version. They do, however, have an applicator free design. You use your finger or whatever other pokey thing you prefer to insert it. This helps save the forrests and jungles by not wasting cardboard and plastic and you can also tuck one just about anywhere for just in case.
I hope this prevents a world wide boycott and eventual discontinuation of my favorite plugs.
Thank you.
A Jungle Jane scratch and sniff coffee table book....brilliant , can I place an order please.Thats Frobishers christmas pressy sorted
Sausage:
Oh well that explains it - none of our tampons have applicators here - what a vile concept. of course you use your finger and you double up by having a little play while you are down there. multi-tasking, like.
Beast:
What a fucking co-incidence - Frobisher just order a copy of The Inside of JJ's Rectum (300 pages in full glossy colour) for your birthday! my word you two do think in tandem! I even wiped my bum on your copy - an autograph, like...
Some of my lady friends become quite angered by tampon dexign. Like a red rag to a bull for some.
Jane I love you ! I can bottom out on you know probs .
An old girlfriend used the Cu7 IUD and she must of had a shallow twat , cause it cut my man meat right at the tip . Man that hurt ! I still have the scar !
After reading all this (Karen especially), it's good to know "hitting the top" is rarely a good thing, it can mean the woman might not be turned on at all.
I've only hit the top a few times when I was looking out for only me. Young and selfish.
Oh yeah, the tat is pretty disturbing.
BME is far out. There are a bunch of freaks there that enjoy having there nuts placed in vices, vice grips, plyers, burned and everything else that's excruciatingly painful under the sun.
I'm good with a little teasing.
Wow i never knew anyone cared about this stuff...
Tickers:
I am totally down with their shape but i do think some creativity should be applied to their colour - why not make them look like penises for example - or suppositories? i for one would find joke tampons more appealing than white ones. How about little mice drawn on them? Maybe i should become a Tampon Architect instead of the technical architect?
Brooke:
Fuck. they had tampons in the Bible? kidding? my word - in 2,000 years i am the first person to complain that the string is too long??
Wally:
Fuck i am so with you - i used to have one of them. it had to get surgically removed and my poor ex-husband's dick looked like a pin cushion afterwards. I am sure the scarring is very interesting - at the time it looked like his dick was covered in pox
Fewclewz:
Well at last someone has commented on that fucking bizarre tattoo! the weird thing is that it was on a man, not a woman! go figure! i know that there is such a thing as menstrual porn but i hadn't thought that the tampon played a part in it. And i suspect the tattooist has never had a period - those blood splats just aren't quite right, are they. Even worse is to throw freckles into the mix - they just look like shit splatters.
Toby:
yes i knew our Karen could explain things scientifically, although i still dunnu why she can't just get a ruler out and start measuring - any woman who has had a pap smear has had far worse than a ruler up her magwafta.
I am AMAZED you found the source of that Tattoo - do you know if the person who has it is male or female - its not really clear from that summary what its all about other than a pisstake of the swallow? Jesus. it won an award?
Fuck - if i get a tatt of flying haemrohhds, i wonder if that will win me a prize??
I've had one probe of my anus by a doctor and of course I tensed up, it's a one way street. I'm basing this theory on gut instinct, but the vag is a biway and some might get exctited if only enough to not get an accurate measure. So a sampling would through off true measurment data.
I have a way to measure accurately. I'll come home to everyone willing to participate, almost dead drunk on Tequila. The host must supply the marking pen.
AMAZED? I'm one who deduces. A simple right click gave me the name of the pic and even though I thought it might come from BME, a quick google search proved it. If I care about the original location from pics I post, I always change the name. You didn't hear that from me.
Sheri:
Fuck. There must be a way to measure. I didn’t actually use a ruler. Could you perhaps ask your hubby if he minds inserting himself into you then marking it oiff with a pen? Thing is – we are looking for unaroused here and not about to give birth. Those are false figures
Jane, I can run that by him, but I can't see him being as enthusiastic as we are in our quest to solve this puzzle. I do know it doesn't completely fit.
If I lived closer, you could just use your fist and we'd get the answer we needed.
Toby:
Oh the image was just sent to me so i'm really glad to find out more info on it - i thought at first it was a pisstake, but that is most definitely a tattoo. utterly astounding that it won a prize! fuck! yuck!
Okay so do we take it that you will drink the entire bottle of tequila and then use it as a measuring device?
Lady Sheri:
yes you are completely right. please let your husband know that his assistance will not be required and us girls - being scientific creatures - will complete the experiment ourselves. And no. he may not take photos...
All though I'm not a fan of what the freaks do to themselves at BME, it's a good place to visit when I'm feeling out of the ordinary. It brings a whole lot of perspective to my little problems.
The prize thing blows me away. I'll dig a little deeper, but it must be for "stupidest." It's on some big, fat guys arm. I've never heard it before but, "only in Switzerland?"
If there is any left, I'll bring the bottle. Tequila has a way of making one drunk and yet sober enough to do the deed. The falling down, slobbering, drunk part should keep the vag from expanding or elongating. True science.
If the fist test does not work, wouldn't a sex toy that is long and narrow work. Possibly the double dong would work. After the test I am sure you could find something fun to do.
Toby:
I have bookmarked BME. i adore them. gees - and we all thought I was weird?
I like the science behind the tequila idea - so glad its not just drunken bottle fucking. that would be debauchery, not proper science.
Gav:
Are these 3 inch vaginas or some of barman's gaping 16 inchers? I think the large flappy ones sound a bit scary really. i think i am quite happy with my french fry.
Barman:
so we mark of centimetres on a double dong and measure that way? fuck. no wonder tampon string designers gave up and just created One Size Fits All.
I still think a ruler works well you know...
FewClewz:
Yes i see your logic but sadly it is flawed. Barbie is a bit of a bimbo and therefore very unlikely to be able to convert inches to centimetres and i doubt she can count higher than 5. Perhaps i can send her up with a torch and rather long tape measure??
I am not sure what is the correct answer but I am sure happy to see that I have been spelling anatomy correctly all this time. JW
Ooohhh, my bad ! Whoa! Mea culpas to Sausage and other OB favs...( I remember the finger up there and not for pleasure! )
You R.O.C.K. to have pointed this out to me!
( STAMP O'APPROVAL=OB is OK! )
**Holla to Barman-by inserting a dildo and measuring you are adding to the arousal state which will lead to the stretchiness...( I think ). Sounds good.
Josh:
You are a man of science and we need one of those to sort this mess out. We started off scientifically measuring the length of lady-parts and now we have a mass orgy of tequilla, double ended dildos, fisting each other and Barbie-self-love. Help us Josh - Science has become Pornography and i SWEAR its not my fault this time.
~d:
They may have sold boxed of cotton wool buds if they weren't goint to supply the string?
Maybe they should make them with a hook on the ends and we all insert our own permanent piece of string cut to size? yeah?? am i onto a winner, or what??
Depth is one thing, but it has character too.
http://www.obtampons.com/using_ob.shtml
Hahaha. For $#!&$ and giggles !!
( a 'blow job' from you Jane, would be most welcome: hurricane season or (s)not. )
Thank you for popping by !
I'm lost for words, except to say that I'll never look at tampons the same way again!
Tinyhands:
Wooohooo long time no see! welcome back!! My vagina has bucketloads of character. It can blow smoke rings, i can do that razorblade trick and i can even balance a pole and a ball on the end of it via my vag. I am thinking of giving my vag its own blog, along with Fewclewz blog for his genital warts...
~d:
that's all very nice but i bet the string is still a mile long and goes all soggy in your knickers...right??
Fewclewz:
No, i believe that the various colours are there to put you in a bright, cheery mood while you slowly bleed to death. and also so that they are easy for the cat to find and play with when you only have one left and its midnight...
ChickyBabe:
Oh you are most welcome. I am VERY glad that i could have made your period *heaps* more fun for you. Now all you need is a box of brightly coloured tampons - they are like crayons, just for bleeding women...
Another convert, heh heh.
Sausage i totally love your new avatar, but what happened to your nose? did some bastard eat it?
I can't help being so tastey Jane.
Got any cookie recipes?
We women should really speak out that we want new and interesting tampons and that we are tired of the plain old white tamps! I havent seen coloured ones over here yet, but they should also come with different smells or tastes, just in case someone gets one accidentaly in the mouth.
Whatever ya got, sweet pea, I can fill.
Whatever ya got, sweet pea, I can fill.
what is a tampon?
I think your study is flawed. I suggest you take a 10 inch dildo and stick it all the way in. Mark the line of demarcation and measure. I bet your twat is at least 6 inches. You'd still be too small for my 9 inch monster.
Please tell me more about your fisting experiences with your female friends. Pretty please?
Sausage:
I dunno about cookies, but there sure seems to be a lot of batter about the place. shall we place it in baking trays and see what happens?
Mongrel:
Great - so can i put you down for serving the tea?
Pixie:
Go to bed. and brush your teeth before you do so.
Monk:
i am terrible at maths. lets just focus on fisting. oh fuck. just a sec...i think i just fed your 9 inch monster into my blender - ohhh i am so sorry - i totally got it confused with a large carrot. oops silly me - i hope that didn't hurt?
I think the answer is quite obvious, the long string is for ease of disposal. You swing the saturated tampon over your head "David and Goliath style" and let fly over your neighbors fence.Eureka! the string is for ease of disposal and distance throwing. Hope the orgy worked out ok , I was asleep so I missed the party.
The string's for your crabs to play tarzan. Keeps 'em happy. Everyone knows that.
Crab circus in your knickers?
Josh:
Thats a really good idea - Sport Tampon Throwing. I am going to write to the authorities and suggest it.
I just hope drunk women all over the world remember to remove their tampon before throwing it over the fence. i would hate to see scores of women catepalting over fences just because they forgot to remove their tampons first.
Lady Muck:
Okay maybe i should grow a few pubes then instead? as a comprimise, like? For my bored crabs?
Toby:
Let's teach them tricks - it works for fleas, right?
Vince:
Okay right - that means i'm a freak then? okay i can live with that - i was starting to feel a bit normal for a second there...phew...i am glad this is not the case....
Teach them tricks you say? On location?
Toby sure. We could turn my vagina into a circus training school. its not being used for anything else at the moment - its really a bit like a very dusty ornament.
Your place or mine?
What's up with your blog? At least for me, the background has mostly disappeared. It can't only be me though, because it's that way at work and at home.
toby is it fixed? looks okay to me but my template was a bit all over the place...
What service!? Yes, it is back to the brilliance it was and hopefully will forever always be.
ohhh nice one - thanks mate...i just re-installed it...heaps of my side bar had vanished too...weird...thank you muchly...
I like where this is going. With any luck, you've just opened up a Pandora's Box (pun intended) of VAGINA ENVY.
Yes, now no longer limited to men, women too will be able to beat each other up because they're afraid someone, somewhere, might have a bigger cunt than them.
But hang on, which way will it go? Will women prize the BIGGER vaginas (ie: "I can fit the whole basketball team in mine at once! Wooo! DVDA!") or will they seek the SMALLER vaginas (ie: "Yeah, I can actually feel my man!")
Hmm. These are the questions that need to be asked. What are they teaching kids in schools these days?!
Matty:
Just say 9 inches - it seems everyone else does. And when people look amazed. tell them that is just the width...
Reverendtimothy:
yes indeed very very good questions. it seems that men want large members but woment want small twats. See the mathematics just simply doesn't work.
I've never had problems with tampon strings getting gooey, and I love OB, but I also love these:
Re-usable Pads and Pantiliners, and Alternative Menstrual Products
Suddenly, I'm really interested in finding out how long my twat is.
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