As a top athlete I believe that the world would be a lot more interesting if shagging was declared a sport. Competitive Shagging is such a fantastic idea I am surprised the government isn’t implementing an Elite Athlete training scheme. Even feminists would love it - for the first time in history men would actually prefer to watch women’s sport.
Competitive Shagging is not an easy life. It requires years of mouth ulcers, groin injuries and crotch rot for those who are training in tropical climates. In return our heroes are subjected to the humiliation of soft-cock, the agony of premature ejaculation and shattered dreams of instant disqualification due to burst condoms – all in front of a packed stadium of hecklers yelling “Is it in yet??” as they climax to a Whitney Housten tune blaring through squeaky speakers.
Naturally athletes would compete in categories based on age, gender and sexual orientation. I propose to stage the inaugural World Rooting Championships with the following classes:
- Heterosexual (one-on-one male/female rooting)
- Homosexual (male)
- Homosexual – (female)
- Veterans (over 40)
- Masters (over 60)
- Mixed Doubles (team event - 2 couples per team)
Just like surfing, ice skating and gymnastics Competitive Shagging would be judged on both technical and creative execution. Like high board diving, points will be awarded for manoeuvres and multiplied by the degree of difficulty. A few examples that spring to mind are Oral (degree of difficulty 1.4), Anal (degree of difficulty 4.5) and for Teams, the Daisy Chain (degree of difficulty 5.1).
Sport is about fair play, so of course drugs cannot be condoned – as such I intend blood testing all male competitors for Viagra before the contest. I am not sure yet whether I will allow Bookmakers or not in case they get arresting for pimping. We won’t have any cheerleaders either – a gaggle of strippers is just what the crowd needs to get them in the mood.
You cynical folk out there are probably wondering if is not simply a ploy to pull a root on my part? Not so - due to my commitment to ongoing celibacy I intend to take care of the commentating side of things with a style similar to that of a horse race commentator.
Auditions for the judging panel will be taking place in the next week or two. If you think you have what it takes please state your qualifications and experience. Note that masturbation is not a criteria and nor is the size of your porn collection.
72 comments:
Will there be extra points for high speed?
I would like to be on the panel. I would be a good judge because I can spot an orgasm from a hundred feet away. I also know what it takes to please a woman. I can bring a woman to orgasm in 7 minutes or less! I'm also really good at pulling out just in time for the "money shot".
I would be a good judge because my voice is loud, low and it carries. It is best suited for a horse race commentator/Radio.
Janie, Motor City Monk is clearly lying.
Judging? Screw that, I want to be a contestant.
Count me in i am a veteran !!!
What about those of us whose sexual orientation is 'Wanker'.
You could hold peoples jackets tickers and of course hand round the oranges at half time & perhaps a bit of "fluffing".
Unfortunately I won't be able to compete having turned "professional" a few years ago.
This panel you're compiling won't materialize I just know it.
I just want to see naked curling.
I shouldn't judge.
I will be in the audience !
This took some thought on your part.
( kind of scared of Whitney Houton, esp since the competitors can't use drugs )
But, Hell yeah I'll "come" and watch this event!
Die Murane:
No, you are confusing that with Extreme Shagging, which is in fact a winter sport.
Monk:
By the sounds of it you should be an contestant – unless of you course you were thinking you might bring female judges to orgasm during the event? I am not sure that’s a good idea – after all you don’t see tennis umpires with a racquet in their hands? No Monk, I think the world needs to see you perform on stage. I have managed to sell out the Superbowl for the World Championships. Can I put your name down under Male – Heterosexual??
PDD:
Judges and commentators are separate duties and seeing as I already am the commentator I think it best if you are a Judge. Are you able to get to the Superbowl easily? PDD congratulations – our very first Judge.
Mindless Dribber:
Perhaps you could go into the merchandising side of things? Bootleg videos of the performance to sell to punters at the end of the night? Its just a case of the right person for the right job and you will still get a front row seat with an Access All Areas pass
PDD (2)
He’s not really lying – he’s just full of contestant bravado
Tickers:
Frobisher beat me to it, although I cannot condone fluffing amongst the staff. If you want to do a bit of fluffing I can also offer you the role of Contest Masot? You have to dress up as either a giant woolly penis or a 10 foot high stuffed vulva and generate cheers amongst the crowd. What’s it to be Tickers? The oranges, the cock or the vag? You choose, princess
Frobisher:
I had no idea that you were a hooker. Are you a top or a bottom? Of course you are still welcome to pay the $20 and attend as a crowd member. Otherwise depending on what Tickers chooses, there is still a spot in my mascot team
Egan:
Shuddup. It will. I already have a whole bunch of roles filled. I won’t ask you though Egan because we all know that you don’t have sex. sex. sex. sex. sex.
SID:
Fuck. I give you shagging and now you want curling. Christ. Okay – how about I put on a sport of naked curling when I roll out the Winter Extreme Shagging? I’m just not sure that it will look all that exciting on the television broadcast.
Cappy:
You can take part in more than one category – after all singles play in double in tennis. The only category you can’t join is the lesbians – I already have Ellen Degeneris and that blonde bird she’s seeing down as my celebrity couple. I more see Beck’s body taking part in the mixed doubles, yeah?
~d:
This is a family oriented sport – bring the kids along. There will be popcorn and hotdogs and you can teach the kids the importance of sportsmanship. Just mention my name at the door and you’ll get half price tickets.
Denny I dunno that they need searching - do you think they might try to smuggle some dildos into the contest arena?
We need someone to sell programs Denny. Can I put you down for that?
Let me know when there is a celeberty rooting event.
Now my husband is begging me to ask you if you could fit him in as a contestant?
Vince:
I am working on it. I am having a bit of trouble filling the Masters category though. Jack Nicholson said no. Is there anyone you can recommend?
PDD:
you know i'm afraid i am going to have to say no. Its just that there is a conflict of interest what with you being on the judging panel. Please send my apologies and i hope he understands. We do still need someone hold the lubricant bucket if he's interested?
So am I the first female who wants to be in the hetro division? Cool, No compitition!
I have a very long list of references so you can check out my qualifications.
I've been waiting my whole life for this Jane, I'm brinin home the gold!
No Viagra ? No drugs ? What about alcohol ? I've had sex in front of large audiences before (Skydome) but never sober . Besides in my advanced age I need my Cialis . One stink'n pill and I can be a sexual athlete of Olympic proportions .
Anyone have some clean urine for sale ?
I'm into spectator sports. Can I watch??
Now my husband wants me to quit. I said: "Now way! You are holding the lubricant bucket whether you like it or not! He's whinning right now.
Egan my pumpkin i totally understand - after all the subject matter of this blog is not something we wish to talk about any further....:-)
Sausage:
I am finding a recording of Chariots Of Fire. You are a winner my lovely - I am going to cry tears of pride when I see you on that winner's podium.
Wally:
Alcohol is totally fine, but you might want to consider whether you will have performance issues? Oh and pssssst...wanna buy 3 litres of my piss? its full of cocaine, weed and crack but no Viagra at all
ChickbBabe:
Oh yes of course. I would offer you a backstage pass too but i think in the context of the subject matter it would come out sounding all wrong
PDD:
Jesus the ungrateful little mole! Do you know how many people begged me to hold the lube bucket? I think you that you tell him to wise up or face being judged in the sack himself...
Gav if i make you a judge in the Over 60 year old category do you think you could hold out for like 7 minutes or so?
How about like Mayan football the loosers get their heads cut off, this would really "root out" the performance anxiety entrants. Are electric eels considered a drug?
Josh great idea. I could use the spare heads in more of my holiday videos.
Electric eels are totally fine - i wondered why Roscoe had ordered so many of them...
Fine - you twisted my arm Jane, I'm in!
So who do I get to bang first?
Monk, I believe that Sausage is our first female contestant. Luckily for you she's enormously good looking and I'm *fairly* certain that she has some previous experience. Please note that your appearance will count - i suggest a full body wax and some light makeup - those stadium lights can be very unforgiving.
I hope whiskey doesnt count as drug? If not, I'm in!
will contestants get penalised for anorgasmia? and will alcohol be a forbidden substance, due to its tendency to make men last longer?
Mone:
You can drink as much whiskey as you want - just try not to vomit on your partner, okay?
Piggy:
fuck you are right. I have made an amendment to the rules. Its hard for someone who takes as much drugs as me to know what should be banned or not.
I have deliberately given you dirty insatiable poofs top billing in the hopes that the straight boys will learn a thing or two about stamina.
Karen:
Fuck. I had to google that word. Alcohol is entirely permissable - remember this is a sport where both skill and technique are important so if people want to get drunk and lose points on artists merit...well...so be it. I think we should all just remember the words of a wise old zulu: Nobody improves with alcohol.
Gav:
Lets make this interesting: how about we get you to judge the gay male category? how long will it take you to turn?? We could have little sideline bets on that if there is a lull in proceedings...
I wont vomit, dont worry!
Write me in for the Mixed Doubles please.
Is there a watersports division?
Synchronized Shagging?
Will there be penalties for false starts? You know, those eager beavers who jump out of the blocks before the starters pistol?
hmmm.dont think id be any good,as im hung like a budgie on a winters day.actually,morning.
jungle,is pixie really your daughter or are you pulling our puds?
Hmmmm heummm HEUMMM HeuMMM.....what WHAT !!! AM I IN OR NOT .I´m not good lookin i´m just a vet but its still workin!!
Mone:
Excellent choice. I can see that you are a team player, Mone. If i was you I would start thinking of dying my pubic hair so you are all ready for the big day. Go Mone! Go Mone! Go Mone!
See - the crowds are already starting to cheer.
MJ:
Another fantastic idea. I would have to hired a large swimming pool and it would be very to train for something like this. But hey - fuck it. No-one ever won anything by not working hard for it. Can i put your name down as a judge or a competitor?
Denny:
Not exactly. You do get to keep a program for free though. and you get real close to the action.
Perhaps you want to reconsider and join Mone in the Mixed Doubles??
Steph:
Yes good point. Its not as if they can just jump back and and continue. Yes there must be a penalty for those that 'jump the gun': instant disqualification and global humiliation. They are very likey to end up on some kind of Funniest Home Video show i would think.
Geezer:
You can maybe enter the Budgies category?
She is indeed my daughter Geezer. Talk about a chip off the old block eh? Mouth like a motherfucking sewer.
Cappy:
I don't think contestants should eat a greased pig beforehand unless we introduce a food sex category. I think you should be a competitor. The men of the world could learn a lot from your little plastic moves.
Henri:
You are SOOOO in. In fact you are strongly tipped as the favorite. Remember i will be commentating - I will make sure you win. Just make sure you deliver the goods, right? no limps dicks or crap like that..
Your whole premise hearkens back to some classic cinema, which I viewed in my youth...
pubic haire is dyed, allready to go!
I think the cheering part is irritating me, I'll got to need some music!!! Even after the whiskey, Jane!
Can you promise me music?
Just hate the idea putting my i-pod on while I'm having the time of my life!!
That's awesome, I get to bang Sausage!
I'm making my photographic debut tomorrow with never before posted hottub photos of yours truly!
FYI - I will not be shaving my beautifully coifed chest or back hair.
So if Sausage wants to see what's she's up against, best visit my blog on Wednesday!
Zen:
Ahahahaha they have already made a blockbuster before the competition has even launched! They have stolen my idea! Zen you are a lawyer - can we sue??
Mone:
I asked the cheerleaders to stop yelling "Mone's got yellow pubic hair" and I have asked Michael Bolton to come and sing for you. He's just finishing off a bottle of whiskey and taking the dogs for a walk. You should start doing some stretching exercises in the meantime..
Monk:
Fuck. I am not going to be able to sleep tonight, that is so exciting. will you also be posting pictures of people having orgasms in the jet spa?
I hope you have a heck of a lot of stamina - our Sausage gave the last contestant a heart attack....
Change the name of the game to the "Microsoft Brunch Bowl" and I guarantee it'll be approved by every country on Earth.
This doesn't really sound like an event I'd have much interest in. However, I would most likely drink a bunch of whiskey and break into cars in the parking lot, looking for loose change.
No problem on the stamina. A couple shots of vodka and I'm good to go for at least 20 minutes...that's long enough, right?
No orgasm photos just yet. Waiting for our first big hottub party for that stuff.
After 7 holes Henri is still in the game and he dont about giving up,but wait wait he has a quistion
Viagra is certified or is it under drugs consumption ?
Considering you were about 13 when this movie is made, we are going to have a hard time convincing a jury you wrote a screenplay about a fellatio contest.
I'm not saying I won't take the case; I'm saying that the "retainer" will be roughly the GNP of Argentina...
"What, no cheerleaders?"
Don't do it Mone. I think it's a ploy by Denny to get you to send him a pussy shot.
You'd have to get up pretty early to pull one over on me!
You know in the 70's the good porn actors always had arse pimples. Are there points given or taken away for arse pimples? I'm studing and taking notes to find out where I fit in here...
I wanna be a judge! Here are my qualifications:
-Able to execute a flawless triple reverse mattress mount (can spot and judge complexity of technique)
-Have judged a ladybug beauty contest (previous judging experience)
-Am unswervingly honest and not able to be bribed by contestants (as far as you know)
-Will bribe you to get the job by donating a full pallet of Liquid Silk™ personal (and impersonal?) lubricant
In the possibility that I may be chosen to judge, I'm brushing up on the rules and regs. What's the final line on merkins?
Gisty:
That is a very unsexy name. this is supposed to be pure lust – I am thinking something along the lines of Durex Fast Fist is more markeing-friendly.
Morbid:
Every sporting event needs drunks and thieves. The job is yours. My cut of your profits will only be 30%.
Monk:
Fucking hell you might want to speed up with those orgasms before you jump our Sausage. she hasn’t got all day you know.
Henri:
My word you were born to play this sport. I knew you would be a winner Henri – just knew it. Viagra is completely banned I’m afraid – otherwise the competition would run into 5 days waiting for you to climax. If you want to play 5 day sport, you should think about cricket.
Le Chit:
I can do Mixed Doubles Necrophilia perhaps? One partner is dead and one is alive? I am certain that would be a ratings winner on television too. Good thinking
Denny:
Hey! Get back to selling programs!
Poly:
Fuck – I laid on an army of strippers and now you want cheerleaders too? Shees. Tough audience
Josh:
I can say that you will certainly lose points under Artistic Execution if you have pimples. Josh you are a man of Science – perhaps your job is to invent a range of Genital Costmetics to cover flaws like these? You know…foundation for pimples…blusher to highlight the curves in contestants arse cheeks??
Candace:
You’re in! With a resume like that I have decided to make you Head Judge (which means all bribes go to you first). I am so proud of you Candace. And it’s totally up to you on how to award points for Merkin Excellence. Please feel free to even award a Judge’s Choice prize if you like?
WOW! Finally a "sport" at which i think I can succeed!!!!
...I can't throw a ball, but I can sex it up with the best of 'em.
Matty if you swallow a ball you get extra points. just don't choke on any pubes...
cricket isnt it that exiting english sport art ?
Can I be a rowdy spectator, please?
i am a veteran and you Mone !?
I'm thinking of piercing my nuts so I can lead the "punky balls" team.
If you wont mind Henri, we should give Monk a chance after he got the piercing! Think about it, please, he promised us a BOX!! full of whiskey!!!
@Monk - I have to tell you I would like to wellcome you on the punky team, but you cant be the leader of the pack!! Henri and myself are not followers! We are busy leading our selfs :)
That's fine Mone. I feel close to you already, with our names being only one letter apart.
I have no problem following a chick with dyed yellow pubic hair.
Can you recommend a good ball piercer in the states?
OK I'm In For Sure ! I've got my clean urine , now I need to pick my partner . I pick Karen Little... I'm on my way to South Africa . Look out Little Karen da Crawler is come'n ...never mind .
Give me a couple of minutes .
You should look near Seattle!
Yellow pges??
PAGES OF COURSE !!!!!
Hmmm...Seattle's kind of a long way to go for a nut piercing - I think I can figure out how to do it myself.
Yuuhuu MONE MC MONK AND ME WE GOING TO S C O R E !!!!
Where will you hang my GOLD medal????
I live in Seattle and I could pierce nuts if asked to do so. Thanks.
1. hot ice pick
2. pierce
I'mnot a good judge, however; maybe a good contestant though, but what I really think I would like is to secure the position as #1 fan of the sport and head all related fan clubs and marketing.
An agent tells a porn producer his client can do forty women, one after another, and it would make a great vid that would make millions. The producer, a little skeptical, agreed to shoot the vid.
On the set the "actor" went to it with the first lusty with great results, cinematic and otherwise. He continued with the same success with the second lusty, but with the third, he came in a second and went limp.
The producer went nuts, he had spent a lot of money and he was demanding answers. The agent said "I don't know what went wrong, everything worked perfect during practice."
Monk:
That's just nonsense. You have big hairy bulbous bulldog balls don't you?
Mone:
Are we sure we want Monk to join us in our endeavours?
Monk:
Yellow pubes have never looked better than they do on Mone. Innit?
Wally:
Your two minutes are long over.
Mone:
Egan lives in Seattle. Maybe he can help or perhaps he can conduct the procedure. Might even do it for free.
Mone:
Yes, I overlooked the boo boo.
Monk:
No, Egan will give you a sweet deal and I hear he's a "pro":)
Henri:
Do you like movies about gladiators? Have you seen a grown man naked?
Beast:
Hang it where the sun don't shine sistah.
Egan:
Yum! Ice picks are so sexy:)
Dorian:
You're in like Flyn, or however they say it. Oops!
Toby:
I have one name for mister, Ron Jeremy. Eat his heart out!
Ron is disgustingly fat, overly hairy and short in hight. The beauty about film is it can be edited.
It now has a logo maybe
5 orgasm further blue balls quit and Mone & henri goes on
Yeahh, I knew we are winning Henri!
Toby:
ron is the man of my dreams. And Sausage's dreams too. oath.
~d:
you carry on and comment however the hell you want to. you have my full commenting Tao support
Monk:
Nice. Very nice. Now i just threw up. thank you.
Henri and Mone:
I declare the pair of you the new World Rooting Championships. You might even get interviewed by Oprah
Ernesto:
Ouch! you poked my eye out!
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