Diets

True fact: Fat people are hard to kidnap.

Unfortunately there are many negative stereotypes that are commonly associated with fat people such as the belief that they are lazy, evil and smell like stale milk. Even Jesus hates fat people - gluttony is one of the 7 deadly sins, as is greed and sloth.

As a svelte size 20 myself I am here to help you to stop eating all the African kids’ food and slim yourselves down so that you are as slender and alluring as me. Men might say that they like a woman with a bit of meat, but frankly I don’t see many of them living in a butchery.

Your first step in practising girth control is to admit that you are a total porker – an individual who has to use a mirror to observe your own genitalia. Denial is your biggest obstacle – many fat people will insist that they eat like birds. Big fat giant birds maybe.

Crash diets are fantastic for quick weight loss, however the human body responds to starvation by decreasing metabolism and leaving the dieter feeling lethargic and fatigued. Well don’t let that stop you from starving yourself – you can easily increase your metabolism by mixing heaps of amphetamine in a nice cup of tea. Cigarettes are also an excellent way of suppressing your appetite and if you are serious about eliminating the hail damage on your arse you should definitely take up smoking. Your body will thank you for it.

For a quick extra boost a handful of laxatives are not only a safe way of shedding a pound a or two but they have the added benefit of being chocolate flavoured. Make sure you never take laxatives and sleeping pills on the same night though.

Watching what you eat is essential if you want to be slim like me – you are way better off counting your calories than counting your chins. Eating lots of vegetables needn’t be a chore! I always ensure that I fry my chips in vegetable oil for example – potato is one of your recommended daily vegetable portions and the vegetable oil is another. Even better still if you eat loads of frozen food such as ice cream and vodka – frozen stuff contains no calories at all because calories are units of heat.

Talking of vodka, crackpot scientists seem to think that alcohol stacks the pounds on. No problem – simply skip your breakfast and lunch. Always remember that walking is a step in the right direction – walk to the pub instead of driving. Don’t walk too quickly though – you really want to avoid gaining muscle as it is heavier than fat and clearly defeats the objective of you trying to lose weight. At closing time, take care not to blow it with your late night take-away by only ordering diet coke with your fried chicken.

If all else fails and you really cannot slim down you should consider surgery. If you haven’t got much disposable cash, simply swallow a whole bunch of staples and immediately do 50 swift sit-ups.

Finally, please do not try to sue me if you cannot lose weight. The last person who tried that ended up with his arse looking like maggots. Thank you.