Happy thoughts

Yesterday I was chatting up some posh Cambridge toff (I was hoping to get him drunk and blow him in the toilets if you must know) when he suggested to me that I seem to be someone who is hating on a heck of a lot of stuff. “Well excuse me, Mr High and Mighty” I thought to myself as his chances of deepthroat disappeared faster than you can say “cricket is for pansies”.

It did get me thinking though and as a result I have decided to be cheery, positive and upbeat for a whole 24 hours. I have subsequently spent some time quietly reflecting on the many things in life that fulfill me spiritually and I have concluded that I don’t give enough credence to the joy I feel in my soul when I see a butterfly dancing in the spring sunshine or a cute kitten under the wheels of a large truck. Well enough of that, I say! Today I will be celebrating in a most positive manner the unsung hero of the human body….Rectums, This Is Your Life!

The asshole is as common as a Beatles record – everyone has one. It is also a highly erotic sexual organ, unless you are the Queen who has openly admitted to having an anus horribilis. The asshole is not to be confused with the Asshole of the World, which is another word for Iran. If you keep getting them confused, just remember – Iran is not covered in hair, although it does have its own fair share of shit.

Mainly used to expel waste matter (faeces, dogs, apples) from the body, the anus is also increasingly used as a handbag - an estimated 280,000 objects are removed surgically from rectums worldwide each year. The most common object retrieved is a vibrating mobile phone. Microwaved lemons and smoking hot bananas are of course the most pleasurable objects to insert up your turdcutter so it can only be assumed that their popularity is on the decline because they don’t vibrate.

The sphincter is the part of your asshole that helps you make Elvis tunes when you toot. Amusingly, the word ‘sphincter’ is also the singular noun of the large half-human, half-lion statue popular with tourists in Egypt, although the Egyptian tourist board usually play this fact down in their history books. The key to maintaining an alluring rusty bullet-wound is regular kegal exercises to enhance your elasticity - leaky bowels lead to unattractive skidmarks and if you wear the same pants for more then two days in a row are you likely to develop ass plaque.

A well groomed anus is a happy anus. Waxing might not feel very nice, but well done you for your attention to detail. Don’t stop there though - everyone who has an ass can benefit from anal bleaching, the process whereby your balloon knot is lightened for a more youthful appearance. While you are there, consider a treatment of botox too – nobody wants a asshole that looks like a 60 year old smoker’s mouth, right?

Man this positive thinking lark is uplifting. What do you say we do it more often, yeah?