I have 3 items that I am prepared to offer up for your pleasure – browse at your leisure and decide which one you want the most. I am prepared to swap these 3 items (individually) for something that you no longer require but you think I would like to own. Please note not that this is a fuck around – you will have to post your item to me (so it shouldn’t be too bulky) to the UK and you will need to email me your proper name and address so I can post you my item.
Please submit your proposed swap item ideas (you may make as many suggestions as you like) and I will decide who gets what. Please do not suggest livestock or your relatives.
My items for swap are:
My pantiesOne pair of my knickers (g-string, lacy). Please state whether you want them soiled or not. The knickers will not be wrapped in tissue or anything fancy like that, however if you want them soiled I can post them to you in a plastic bag to retain moistness
“ToyJoy Perfect Partner”Strapon (6" non vibrating) only used twice in lesbian romps. Can be cleaned prior to dispatch if required. Currently an ornament on my mantelpiece, this will make a great present, decoration or belt. Oh and you can use it as a strap-on too. Reason for discarding: have upgraded to a sturdier model.
My childI no longer require my daughter, Pixie Sprinkle. Please note that your item for swap needs to be sentimental to you – I’m not swapping my kid for a piece of shit.
Winners Honour Roll
Item: My knickers
Winner: Bugwit
Swap: His recently-no-longer-required-wedding-ring
Item: Strapon
Winner: Sausage
Swap: Figurine of a wolf anally entering a maiden
Item: Pixie
Winner: Sausage
Swap: One signed soiled photo of Ron Jeremy
I suggest all you winners leave a tearful acceptance speech and contgratulate each other on your blogs.
Item: My knickers
Winner: Bugwit
Swap: His recently-no-longer-required-wedding-ring
Item: Strapon
Winner: Sausage
Swap: Figurine of a wolf anally entering a maiden
Item: Pixie
Winner: Sausage
Swap: One signed soiled photo of Ron Jeremy
I suggest all you winners leave a tearful acceptance speech and contgratulate each other on your blogs.
90 comments:
For Pixie i offer two bottles of Natemares homemade wine.......Nates Beautiful Banana and Nates Perky Pear and I am even prepared to steal a pair of Mr C's pants from his washing line(I of course dont wear any) :-)
Is there an adaptor with which to attach Pixie Sprinkle to the Strap-on belt?
I've a collection of realistic testicular prosthetics with which to barter: At least one set from each of the five main human clades
The only thing I would want would be your daughter (I already have a pair of your soiled panites...dont your remember)...I would be willing to trade you two dogs, my whole collection of hand painted glass dongs, the three xl anal plugs and my jelly jar collection of semen (very precious ot me)!
What do you say!
For your knickers (soiled heavily please) I offer you a 15 year old johnny filled with my jizz. It still looks quite fresh and would probably do the business if you squirted it up your twat. It was kept for sentimental reasons which no longer apply.
On another note, I've got an award - thank-you for voting everybody.
Dang. These make my offer look puny. I have none of this stuff. Send it all to me.
Mr Bananas, when I sell 'my' soiled underwear on ebay , i just wash the car with them first.
In another day and age you would be burnt at the stake.
How about my flatmate in exchange for the lot?
That's got to be fair- your own personal slave in return for these items!
I am prepared to exchange my foreskin and a half eaten green jelly baby for Pixie Sprinkle.
I have an eighth of "Santa Maria" white weed and an esctacy tablet (thick barrel shape) which I'm too old to take now. Will swap for Pixie Sprinkle. Or a fridge magnet the shape of a Jersey cow with a little bell round its neck - souvenir of the Channel Islands.
btw, what size are the panties? I am 33" waist.
swap:
g-string <--> my semen specimen
strap-on <---> my semen specimen
pixie <---> my semen specimen
i can deliver it fedex, via internet, or in person.
requirements: your g-string must smell skanky, strap-on must smell skanky, pixie must smell skanky.
simple.
Let's see, what do I have that I don;t need anymore? Ah! My wedding ring.
I'll send you that in exchange for a picture of you wearing it through your labia.
No Photoshopping now!
(Plus the panties, of course)
A pair of freshly spunked on boxer shorts for your panties and Ill post on the gutter press the panties and the boxies. Post free we'll meet halfway between you and me!!!
Er, I'll have those frobisher. For, um, research purposes...
In exchange for the underwear I offer a family size Fray Bentoes Chicken Curry pie - for the doll seven packets of lime jelly and for the strap on a corn on the cob.
"I’m not swapping my kid for a piece of shit."
Probably one of the best lines I've read today.
Unfortunately, even though that strap-on would be a sweet thing to add to my collection, I just don't have anything to swap with you at this time. Nothing that you would like to own, at any rate.
You wouldn't happen to have any properly functioning pancreases about that you'd be willing to trade for my alcohol-pickled one, would you? I have been harvesting baboon pancreases, but it turns out those baboons were all getting wasted on fermented fruit of some kind, and their pancreases are almost as useless as mine (plus I think they're riddled with unusual parasites).
I suppose if you had any pancreases you were willing to part with, you would have mentioned it. Oh well. It's like the existentialist philosopher's skull I keep under my bed always says, "It never hurts to ask."
Oh I am so excited. I have to look at my stuff and see what's what...
Beastie
Hmmm...i can see you really want Pixie. dude you are the front runner so far...but fuck..that photocopy had better be good. Are you prepared to feature her on your blog? will you love her like you love your Gordon Ramsey cookbook? convinve me, beastie...i need reassurance that she will be going to a loving Taurus home...
Sterculian
Dude Pixie invented the stap on belt. however these items are being auctioned seperately. I don't want my kid corrupted, like
jenny!
Fuck dude i was sooo hoping you would get one of theswe items but frankly your trade is lame. i have no use for lifestock or yet more semen. Try again Jenny - i want you to have a piece of me.
Ratty
Dude you are SO nearly a frontrunner. What do you want to swap your jizz for? Tell me Ratty - i am tempted.
GB
Shuddup monkey boy. i am totally being serious here. you snooze, you lose...
Muck
Babe. Fuck. Cut me some slack here – make me an offer. I’ll take your pubes or whatever. At least meet me half way?
Beastie
You are SOOOO my front runner. Which prize do you want, Beastie? Of course, victory may be snatched from you – we still have another 2 days of nominations left…
Lucien
Right so you don’t want any prize at all? Fine. But don’t come crying to me when my soiled panties go to Beast…
Ingsoc
Dude I cant accept your flatmates – I quite clearly specified “no livestock”. Please try again.
Garfer
Hi garfer and welcome to my blog. About the green jelly – I am interested, but does it have spit on it? I want hygiene to be paramount here – I am not sure I want to swap my kid for a bit of green spit.
Frobie
I am VERY interested in your swap – had Beast not offered his arse I would be chomping at the bit. Just a quick query – why is the weed white? Is it terribly old? And the ectasy tablet? Is it round? Its so hard to shove square pills up the arse. Please let me know – I like your offer a lot
Raffi
Well that’s all fine and well, but who were you thinking of when you were jerking off? I don’t want someone’s dirty semen fantasy on my mantelpiece. Please clarify the history of the semen Raffi so I can consider your submission. Ha Ha I said submission!!
Bug
Well bug you are one of my front runners. The only thing is that your wedding ring is solid – how would I insert it into my genital piercing? Please re-think your strategy Bug – you are one of the front runners. You either need to send me a proper genital ring…or one of your old earrings will do. I look forward to your revised strategy.
Ebezp
Hmmm…I hate boxers. Could you amend your offering Ebezp – i would be more amenable to a pair of man-pants. The spunk is a nice touch, though.
La muck
Fuck dude – those are mine. Research or not..there is a queue her for Frobie’s panties
ARM
FUCK! You must have something? How about an egg-timer? Or a roll of loo paper?
Eh? Surely you have SOMETHING??
Morbid
FFS. This is not an organ swap – I don’t have pancreases lying about the place and nor do I have baboons. Dude, can’t you be normal for once and simply offer your kidney in swap for my strapon? It’s not like its weird or anything…
DBS
Fuck at last someone who is taking this seriously. go for your life, DBS..you totally deserve a bit of my memorabilia....
jj,
first, i'm into that s&m submission stuff, and if ass/arse is what you want, i got a cute one under this suit. but, if you need to know my inspiration while getting spanky, look no further.
Damn! I'm second? Again? DAMN it!
Heck, I assumed you'd just go at it with a hacksaw. But, If you aren't the self-sufficient DIY chick that I had taken you for, I can most certainly find you a labial ring suitable for wearing about town.
So you picture wearing it to casual events or formal occaisions?
pixie looks hot...
i am in the market
for some unique
sex toys.
but all i have
is some dog and
kennel magazines
with the breeding
section stuck
together.
please specify
pixies size.
OK For your panties, I can swap like for like, One pair of Homer Simpson Boxer shorts, slightly soiled.
For the dildo. Hmm- Can't really find a use for that.
Pixie Sprinkle- OK, I want that doll.
How about a fluffy monkey, with a couple of porn DVDs thrown in?
Well, I have plenty of panties and strap on dildos -- but your child would be most happy, safe and promise of a fun - tho, somewhat stunted and troubled adulthood. I will at least get her to community college.
I'd be the best parent.
I'm not very sentimental and I already gave my nude posing bracelet as a tip to some waitress in the Tenderloin.
I do have a way cool jock strap that rocked the world a few times.
Yes, I've had some great times in some interesting places with that jock strap.
It could be yours for your child. Who would be most happy in our home! Why? ...she'd have her own chair!
And, I think the jock strap can also serve as a convenient wipe up cloth-ette.
Well, it is the best I have to offer! I wish I were more sentimental.
Give your daughter promise of a happy life in GayTown!
kisses,
matty
Nates wine is undrinkable if Beast is prepared to part with it as he drinks a concoction made with boot polish, sugar, yeast and bread.. ... just thought you should know...
In exchange for my step-daughter Pixie Sprinkle, I am prepared to offer an exchange of my Tasmanian Devil chia pet, any 1 of my 4 favorite pairs of bikini briefs (Soiled or Unsoiled) and I'll throw in a pin-on button of myself that you can attach to the briefs or whatever you choose when you need bean flicking material:)
Puritan!
oh no I am going to have to withdraw my offer , the photocopier has blown up at work :-(
and the only other photocopier is in global markets office and they have people in 24 hours , so i dont think i will be able to get away with photocpying my arse in there
Am I too late?
What happened to the leader board? How are me and my friends at the bar going to keep track and place side bets?
Raffi
Man, I totally see where you are coming from. I saw the pic and immediately had to run off and knock the top off one. Is that a friend of yours? Can you hook me up? I’m not proud – I will have your sloppy seconds
Bug
Are you going to supply the hacksaw too, or do I have to do ALL the work around here? I do of course have a chainsaw I can use, but generally I keep that for trimming my pubic fluff.
Paco
Pixie is 8 inches high and has a fetching silver nose ring. I don’t think the doggie porn on its own is going to be quite enough though – can you consider throwing in a pack of dog biscuits?
Ingsoc
Is the soiling dried semen or dried shit? That could make all the difference. I don’t want the fluffy monkey though – it sounds a bit too cute. Are any of the DVD’s midget porn? Or could you possibly supply me with a real midget? I’m interested, Ingsoc – I just need more commitment from you.
Matty
Oh lovely matty I think you would be the very best parent in the world. I am very tempted with sending Pixie your way. The only thing is that I am not really liking the idea of the jock strap, unless it is soiled. Please let me know what colour it is, whether it enhances your ‘package’ and exactly how many times you’ve used it to tie people up during sex marathons.
Mutley
Hmmm. Is Nate’s urine drinkable? I’ll have that, I’m not proud.
Dorian
Good grief – an extinct fluffy pet and a lousy pair of briefs? For your own bloody step-kid? You BASTARD. Anyhow, I thought the two of you weren’t speaking ever since she wrapped a turd in clingfilm and popped it in your lunch box?
Sterculian
Well it’s important to set a good example to your kids. There’s too many bad parents around these days. I want my kid to live by the example I set – she will be very grateful one day that I sold her to the highest bidder
Beastie
Now be truthful, beastie. You were trying to photocopy your arse and broke the copier. Right? At least you can retire with pride, having been a front runner for at least 19 hours
toby
Not at all! You have a couple of days yet – best rummage around your house and come back with your best offer, yeah?
Bug
I am female. I change my mind at the drop of a hat. I will give you a hint though – you are definitely not in last place.
Janie Baby.
How about my old foreskin (stretched on an oak frame) for your heavily soiled knickers.
The frame measures two metres square and the leather although semi transparent is in good condition. It is signed and authenticated by the Chief rabbi of Golder Green synagogue, Mr. H Goldstein. I have had it valued and it was suggested that it be insured for £125.00
Well you nearly got my computer but i sprinkled some fairy dust on it & posted a couple of new big bouncers on its door.seems (touches head) to work again tonight.
I will have to think of something else to swap you (my soul perhaps?)
In exchange for my little cousin I am prepared to offer you an autographed picture of Ron Jeramy. It seems to have been soiled too but I can't be sure if it was Ron or not. I was very drunk that decade.
For your strap-on I offer a mantlepiece sculpture of a woman being taken by a wolf. It's lovely really, the hand painting is so life like. I picked it up in a little shop in Hollywood.
...
I don't know what to say.
Or which item I want most.
Rock on!
I could do with Pixie as my beer runner.
I'm willing to trade two poodles trained in the art of cunnilingus. I have to confess that the bitch, Evil Chicken, is still prone to 'ragging' and should only work under supervision.
JJ I would rather have photocopied my ass, you could have had it copied and laminated as tastefull table mats(I know i have).
But sadly it is not to be,
Mr C has foolishly left his washing at my house , so I can easily steal his pants tho :-)
Its true I did break the photocopier , Natemare was being a big girl and kept asking me if his hair looked alright(he had a hot date).I got so sick of it I forceabley photocopied his head!! , and alas the copier didnt survive.
I think its a one horse race now , for the woman who has everything who could resist ratty's foreskin
I'm interested in this parachute in the first picture. I could offer this piece of green greek cheese I found this morning under my bed. At least I think its greek cheese...
Deal?
How about one of my used condomns for the panties.
Straight up.
JJ consider it ammended!!!
I can provide which ever kind of soiling you prefer.
As for mighet porn, no I'm afraid none of it fulfills that criteria. PLenty of interracial stuff though.
I'm off to find a midget now, they should be easy to overpower.
What about a little pastic wanking man?
I cannot offer anything except my stupid laughter at this post, and your hilarious readers' comments.
The um, porksword looks a bit... like a kidney puncher.
I have some new boxer briefs that have holes in them caused by a drier accident. I bought a new drier but the briegs besides the holes are in mint condition.
Tony
Fuck! You want to swap your virus-riddled computer full of Trojans for my highly valuable commodities?
I am quite interested in acquiring your soul though. How much will that cost to post??
Sausage
Oh lordy me, we have an INSTANT front-runner in two categories! My word Sausage – you do know me well! I cannot believe that you will part with the Ron Jeremy picture – what on earth are you going to use to masturbate to? I am quite touched by your offer Sausage – I cannot believe anyone could top that.
The sculpture sounds interesting too – I cannot imagine such a thing existing. Is he taking her anally? If so, I am very interested. One can never have too much tasteful bestiality I always think.
Paco
Dude. I might have been interested by frankly Sausage has come from behind and cleaned you all up. Of course the panties are still available, but seeing as I am favouring Bug’s wedding ring for them, you are going to have to throw in a lot more than stale dog crunchies. It’s a dog eat dog world out there Paco. Hahahaha I said “dog eat dog” hahahaha.
Rex
Oh they are all highly desirable commodities. I’m not a cheapskate – those knickers are made entirely of polyester.
Tickers
Hangggg on. Those poodles are worth shit in a handbag. They do nothing but shiver and yap. The last thing I need is Evil Chicken taking fright and nipping my bean off. You’ll have to try a LOT harder than that. And no, I don’t want to swap my kid for your kid.
Beastie
Well its not such an cut and dried case after all. Although I am grateful that Ratty chopped his knob off especially for me, sadly it may have been in vain. I don’t think anyone could possibly top Sausage and Bug’s offers. Although poor Ratty might be needing that strapon now that he’s entirely dickless.
I'm assuming you will be autographing the foreskin Ratty?
If it clinches the deal, of course I will,
The beauty of this item is that when you get tired of displaying it over your bed you will be able to remove it from the frame and re-cover your drum kit.
oh my I want Pixie! I once upon a time knew her as a dear cousin, and now I realize that Thing 1 and 2 need a (big) sis to teach them the ways of the world.
I would treat her with love. I would treat her as one of my own! I even have SEVERAL surnames she can choose from!
I am going around my house with my camera to see what I offer in exchange...
~d heart Pixie
~d heart JJ
*drums her fingers and waits to see what Tildy can come up with*
I see my offer has been declined...
Oh well, I'll leave the cartoon boxer shorts on the table.
As for Pixie Sprinkle, how about an exotic collection of drip trays?
i will continue to rubbish other peoples offers... Ratty does not have a foreskin - he is Jewish - which he did mention on his blog a few posts or so back... i do not think you are short of horrible things people have tried to suggest...ergo and therefore... THE CURRY PIE!!
Ingsoc
Dude, these are high stakes. Can you offer me anything Ron Jeremy??
Mutley
Well the pie does sound nice, but did Ron Jeremy jizz in it??
No. Plenty from Lex the Implaler, though...
Or the amazing adventures of Omar...
Of course, I'll want the panties soiled. Pheromones play a huge part in any chase. So, if I combine yours and mine, well, the possibility is endless. Wonder Twin Powers Activate!
I do have a pair of Bicentenial Panties, authentic in year, wore once, maybe 20x, hah but never as raggers. I called them my Bi panties. I'm digging
Ingsoc
Dig deeper man, there has to be some RJ somewhere in your collection?
DBS
We could call ourselves the Twin Towers! I don't mind if you are offering Period Panties - every girl needs a pair of granny knickers once a month.
Tildy
Most impressive! The only person to actually post evidence of their swaps! Now...are you offering the whole lot, or do i have to chose just one?
I think you can do a bit better than the chee wee hairband though - don't you have any tampons you don't need or something???
Very nice effort Tildy...i am VERY VERY taken with your effort and fighting spirit...
I wanted you to see that the items I am offering are true items I have used and or worn.
(smile!)
I'm TOTALLY hot for those hairbands man.
For your DAUGHTER?! You may have all three. Hey! The chee wee is waay important! It comes complete with a story from the Parish Sheriff!
(thank you for the props!)
woo!
*look close b/c the headband has lost some of its eyeballs, and as for the barrettes I MAY have a few of the others left...the red one for certain!
(smile)
Yikes...
I am up against Sausage?!
(whoa...)
That is a BIG EFFIN DEAL to me, man!
Dude, its between you and Sausage. The competition is fierce, man...
(shaking in my boots)
Maybe I shall contact Sausage and we can work something out...heh heh heh!
Er- no, JJ. Large collection, but much of it on the same theme...
Surely the idea of Lex the Impaler MUST turn you on?
11 inches?
I will offer you two pigs and a length of copper wire for the lot.
No haggling.
Take it or leave it.
It's the same deal I'm offering a tribe of pygmies in Equatorial Guinea for exclusive logging rights in their ancestral rainforest...
Tildy
Deeeep breaths...deep breaths
Ingsoc
Its RJ or nothing. I am loyal like that
fingers
I am interested. Are the pigs dead?
not interested in
the knickers sorry
i already have
6 pairs like that.
Paco
Paco is a cross dresser!
Paco is a cross dresser!
Fingers
I am very interested. Are you prepared to stuff an apple into each of their dead mouths?
eye candy...
Jungle Jane - Oh, dear no! They have been cleaned! I guess B and I could soil them if you like.
...I am no longer sure how many I have "pleasured" with my black jock strap. ...I've only been tied up with it once.
I dated a guy who liked to have it stuffed into his mouth.
It was quite expensive and still in most excellent condition for any potential boyfriend - tho, he would need to have a small size waist (28 to 30 inch)
Oh, I do have a lovely rock I found in an abandoned building that took my fancy. I keep it in a box. Would that be worth more?!?!?
On the edge of my seat here...hoping to savor the sweet smell of victory!
your cat? - sounds interesting! Is it new or already used?
fingers
That’s tough talk from someone with gay cats. How about swapping one of the Bengals? I’m not greedy, I’m opportunistic. It’s nicer than pure greed.
tildy
Work it baby, work it. The foxy girl is very nice and all, but I still don’t see any Ron Jeremy??
Matty
Ohhhhh now some B taint might be a whole heap of fun – I am sure he won’t mind contributing to the cause. After all, he will get a very cute daughter out of it. You should keep the rock – a man can never have too many pets. A rock is for life, Matty – not just for Christmas.
Bug
Start polishing that wedding ring dude. I don’t want some tarnished shit arriving in my letter box
Die Murane
Actually its not my own cat strictly speaking. I was going to get one of Finger’s gay Bengals and send that off instead.
giggling!
YIKES!
and for kicks one more piece of eye candy
HOWEVER, I can think of a better place for that shower massager to be!
fingers cat? oh no, then it must be used many times. not interested, sorry.
No deal, Jane.
The Bengals come as a set.
They're Siamese Bengals...very rare...
I just got off the phone with Ron. I told him how close this thing is so he offered to send me his favorite jiz-wipe sock. How bout I throw that in to seal the deal, ay?
Sorry Tidle, Pixie is my bitch now. Mua-a-a.
Pixie swap? Mine would drive you up the wall!
Ahem....
Wasn't there supposed to have been some sort of announcement yesterday?
And yes, it is nice an polished. It always staid nice and shiney because I like to use my left while jerking off. It's receieved lots of natural tarnish remover.
Mmm... What's that? Why it's the sweet smell of success!
Well i dunno Bug. I just sniffed the panties and frankly it smelt more like kippers.
*shrugs*
Oh, Jungle Jane -- I could have given her a real future! ...and, all for a soiled picture of Ron Jeremy. ...the hedge hog.
wait.
well, I guess you made the right choice.
Can we have kippers for breakfast,
mummy dear, mummy dear?
They gotta have 'em in Texas
Cause everyone's a millionaire
Damn, now that I've quoted Supertramp you'll probably withhold your ka-nickers, eh?
CONGRATS TO SAUSAGE!
♥
~d
I feel like reading all of that raped my retinas!
HILARIOUS!
Keep your eyes on your post boxes, winners. Your gifts are in the mail. i hope that none of them attract flies.
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