How to eat your pet

Humanity has come a long way since them middle dark ages thingys, yet still now in the year 2006 some folk are really weird about which critters they consider it okay to consume. For example, Indian people burn flags if you so much as mention eating a cow while western folk are still horrified at the consumption of cute furry things. One can only assume that this is because cows are stupid, fat and ugly and this reminds westerners a little too much of themselves.

I am sure many of you consider such taboos to be wank and I am proud to present you with my highly guarded and secret recipes for eating your very best mate:

Cats:
There are said to be many ways to skin a cat. Forget that you lot – take the easy way out and try using a lawnmower or maybe a lit cigarette and some hairspray. Roasting is the only way to go with cats…and I can assure you that they do not taste of chicken – they taste of cat.

Anyhow, lop off the head and tail and use them at a later stage to make a wholesome and nutritious casserole stock. The kitty’s feet will be used for decorative purposes although you may wish to trim the nails before you garnish with little umbrellas.

Warm the oven to 375 degrees, chuck the cat in a baking tray and baste with a few spoonfuls of cooking oil. If you are French, I suggest you add 7 cloves up garlic shoved up the cat’s arse. Slow roast for 2 hours and enjoy with mashed potatoes and lightly steamed snowpeas.

Dogs:
Of course I have eaten loads of dogs, but mostly this refers to bad lesbian sex in badly lit nightclubs. Dogs are such arses I am tempted to tell you to simply throw it into the microwave alive and cook on high for 30 minutes. That wouldn’t taste very nice though and you probably wouldn’t read my blog again.

To start you can easily get a dog from the RSPCA which I basically view as a supermarket for us worldly types. You can kill your dog by either stabbing it through the heart or if you are squeamish you can try knocking it over with your car. Not too hard, mind – bruised flesh is awfully chewy.

Now stir-frying is really the only way to eat a dog. Cut the pooch into bit-sized chunks – the tail is the yummiest bit if you’ve got an Alsatian or a Ridgeback – and flash-fry for 4 minutes in a wok or George Foreman hotplate. When lightly browned add ginger, sprouts and a dash of chilli to taste. Serve with asian noodles or a bit of steamed rice if you’re a tight-arse spendthrift.

Canary/Budgie
Most people avoid eating budgie due to the difficulty in removing all those pesky feathers, or they tend to opt for mediocrity and boil them in lightly salted water with some spuds.

Wait up gang, its not that hard. Simply oil up a kebab skewer and slide on 3-4 budgies per skewer. The skewer slides through their arses really nice and easily and their little beaky teeth act as grips on the other end. Place over a barbecue fire (watch those feathers disappear faster than an Essex girl’s knickers on a first date) and baste with oil when turning over. Everyone loves a bit of bird skin but do go easy if you are watching your weight. Serve with a side salad and a chilled glass of Chardonnay.

I hope you have enjoyed my guide to disposing of your dead pets in a ecologically sound manner. And for those of you softcocks yapping on that “I wuv my little snookle-poops far to much to eat him” you might be interested in my next chapter of pet care in which I will be providing interesting insights into providing your pet with the love and affection that they deserve.

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