Oral

What with the sheer amount of dirty bacteria such as AIDS and SARS kicking around the place these days it is really quite surprising that toothbrushes are still legal.

The main obstacle to toothbrush sanitation is your toilet, which is usually located about 5 feet from your hand basin. Every time the dunny is flushed shit-infested water sprays up to 8 feet around the bowl, landing on everything in the bathroom including your toothbrush. Even your toilet brush would be more hygienic to clean your teeth with – at least that is encased in a nice plastic sheath to protect it from all that muck spraying about.

Now although I was once in love with a dude sooooo bad that I could have happily used his shit as toothpaste I have to draw the line at doing the Dental Sanchez with my own faecal matter.

Another thing likely to leave a bad taste in your mouth is...errr...your own mouth. The average mouth is a fungi jungle! More than 100 different types of bacterial critters breed in our mouths – more than our arses and our armpits combined. There are so many germs hanging about your mouth they really ought to be paying rent. Now picture removing these squatters from the party they are throwing between your teeth and where do they happily live and breed after that? In your bloody toothbrush of course! And that three second flick of your brush under a running tap doesn’t mean it’s all good either unless you also happen to boil it after every use? No? Thought not, you dirty bastards.

If that were all not bad enough, the final kick in the pants occurs with those of you unlucky enough to co-habit. Hands up who of you is not guilty of using their partner or housemate’s toothbrush on the sly for things like cleaning the household garlic press or applying bleach to your twat hair? And if your housemate has an electric toothbrush – even better. You never have to worry about your ‘rabbit’ breaking down and you can even give your genital jewelry a bit of a quick buff whilst you are down there.

Now of course none of the above stuff applies to me. My own fastidious hygiene routine dictates that I only ever use my toothbrush once before throwing it away immediately and buying a new one. It’s lucky that teeth only need brushing fortnightly – omg could you imagine how much money I would spend if they were like bongs and needed cleaning every bloody day!!

In conclusion, I urge you to ensure that you always brush your teeth with rubber gloves on. You don’t want all those toothbrush germs coming into contact with your hands and spreading diseases, now do you? Unless of course you like the idea of gargling in someone else’s faecal matter – in which case you are good to ignore all of this and come back for my next hygiene-oriented post which will be entitled: “Why you should never sit in the same car as a woman who is on the blob”.