18 October 2006

Evolution

The area on a female’s body between the hips and the tits is called a ‘waste’ is because there is heaps more un-used space for an extra pair of tits.

In the scientific interests of mankind and the progression of the human race I gonna have a word with my cosmetic surgeon to see if he can turn this redundant area into a zip-lock pouch. The mathematics are simple – my fat gut can easily be removed with some liposuction and the blubber that is pumped out can be nicely spread over my arse with some kind of medical spatula to even out my hail-damage. The saggy skin left on my belly can then be folded upwards and neatly stitched to craft a fashionable and functional purse.

My new lady pouch will be used to store a spare set of house keys, a couple of beers in case of an emergency and my large stash of pot. Throw in a spare tampon, my mobile phone, a condom on the off-chance that I do actually get laid again in my lifetime plus my lipstick and I think I am just about sorted.

When my gut is utterly crammed with stuff I will be able to pretend I am pregnant, thus pilfering seats on trains from people less pregnant than me. Anyone who frowns at me drinking beer and pulling cones when I am with child can fuck off – there are WAY too many do-gooders in the world.

God, I am clever. Feel free to adore me.

85 comments:

~d said...

Welcome the FUCK back, dude! I'd ask abt your journey, but man I read in your lady pouch you'd have a large stash of pot and a condom. You won't NEED a condom if you get laid by me!!

OK: WHY, why are men in such AWE of them? Boobs. Tits. Breasts.

Zen Wizard said...

I kinda like the area between the hips and tits; you can do that squiggly thing with your tongue on the way down, while your digitus infamis--or as I like to call it, your reconnaissance agent--is going in for the exploratory "dead carp on the dock smell"-detection. Or, by contrast, detecting the proper use of Massengill "Scent of Mountain Flowers."

If you want to talk about "The Waste Land," let's talk about the space BETWEEN HER EARLOBES.

Or, I guess, we could talk about that poem that goes, "April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.


That's ALSO a waste land.

Erin O'Brien said...

Jane, you never cease to amaze me with you marvelous insight and ingenuity.

Bravo!

Let me know how it goes and I will schedule my procedure right away. I think I'll use my new on-board purse for a smart snub-nosed Walther.

Love you darling!

gav said...

I must say I agree that anything without a pair of tits is largely useless.

jungle jane said...

tilde:
dude, lets bypass the condom and have rampant sex, yeah? i dunno about the power of the tit - here is me wanting to replace them with a handbag. shees - life is so complex, innit?

Zen:
always the academic, aren't you. well let me tell you that the space between a woman's earlobes is NOT a waste. we use that for credit card transactions, extortionism and unreasonable sexual demands. or is that just me?

Erin:
oh erin, always the ever practical missy, aren't you? relax my love. use your pouch for daily tasks. hide your cash in it. sneak your laptop in it. squirrel away your anal butt plug.

stay with me on this Erin - together we can make the world a better place...

Gav:
i think its time we got a new profile pic for you. seriously. i can help you with this - let me work with you?

Tickersoid said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Denny Shane said...

Janie baby!!! I am thrilled to see you!!! How is England? Send me your postal address so I can send you an exhorbitant and expensive house-warming gift!

Tickersoid said...

I bet this is not what she had in mind, when the lady in the picture agreed to have her vag' penitrated by three studs.

jungle jane said...

Denny:
email on the way. it had SOOO better be the picture you painted of the chicken. I want that picture, Denny...

Tickers:
i am sure it was simply a case of miscommunication. i have lost count of the times i went in for a simply dental treatment and walked out with my vagina in my mouth....

barman said...

What ever you do, when they spread out the extra blubber on your arse, make sure they do not seal off the crack. You just might splode. Way to messy.

Other than that I like the idea of built in storage. I love the idea of a few pints tucked away for an emergency.

You know if you were actually to unpackage the condom and put the tampon in it you could also put the lipstick in second condom. That way should you have an exceptional night you will be ready.

Now what about that wasted space between your lady parts and your arse. It's small but special. Maybe a subway token?

Damn where you been girl? Glad to hear from you again.

Maja said...

Hey! You're back! Nice one JJ :) And that's a cracker of a picture.

jungle jane said...

Barman you know that i love your insight but frankly i am not going to pussy about unwrapping tampons. no. fuck it - if my tampon expands i could always pretend i am pregnant with twins. right?

jungle jane said...

Maja that is totally NOT my vagina. honest. my surgery has turned out just...um...fine...

Egan said...

Fuck, I can't look at that picture at work. I have to keep this job so I can blog.

Anita said...

SwEET idea, Jane! Then when you decide to break the seal from all that beer drinking you can cut in line! Who wouldn't let a preggers piss first? Maybe you could even get one of those chihuahuas like Paris Hilton has and keep it in there.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to opt for double storage pouches instead of a breast augmentation now. I'll never have to worry about dragging a purse along to the clubs again and I might even get in free!

PDD said...

Holly fuck!! The dosage I have been waiting for. You, my darling, are incredibly funny!

Last night I sent some not so pleasent yet pleasent pics from your previous posts to my desktop which was siftly attached and delivered to a literary agent I know. It was his birthday. And although he stated he had a very vivid imagination, he exclaimed WOW!

You are so amazingly funny, witty and intelligent. I am so very happy you are back!

Love ya tons,

PDD.

josh williams said...

Lots been going on in your abscence. I had to off a couple of blog pirates who tried to take over your site.
A secret long kept was revealed, I was voted by the Acadamy of Blogger Sciences to Blogger of the year from 1978 to 1995 and then you stole my title the very year they began to give cash grants in addition to the traveling trophy.(take the trophy put it in the freezer for an hour or two take it out and push on the base North facing the head of the statue, thats some of my old stash, it should still burn well).So much more to share, more later...Ciao JW

Captain Carl said...

Arrrr.......Janey..
How ya been lass...
Will ya be puttin yer phone on vibrate or do ya think ya will be able ta hear it between the skin folds an the lining of yer stomach?

ing said...

Why not sew a nipple onto your belly button, fill the pouch, and let it hang out? The sight will put something between Zen Wizard's earlobes -- another misconception.

Henri Banks said...

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerre is Jane of the Jungle
and i thought it was over with sex compititions , i almost put my dick by Ebay !!!!

robot said...

Hi Jane.

That is all I am saying.

Now, aren't you impressed with my wit, charm, and personality?

You will be.

*robokiss*

Die Muräne said...

I don't like you with these blond hair. But yeah, I understand, they match better with the white belts you're wearing lately.

Could I have you back with red hair (well, and red belts, if you like)?

Me said...

So glad you're back. Strangely I was just the other day contemplating how to economically and sensibley put my wobbly bits to good use. Imagine, travelling with your own built in money pouch AND being able to scam bus seats. You are fucking brilliant.

Mone said...

JJ you are back! XOXOXO

I like that idea from having the fat removed such an easy way. Maybe we should all get together and have a fat removale party. Im sure we could collect the swabbling stuff and invent a new kind of dog food from it!

Hal said...

Janey,

It is so nice to see you back in the blogosphere. I love the work you post here. Keep it up. I know I will.

ChickyBabe said...

Good gawd!! How I forgot the shock factor upon reading this blog.

Welcome back JJ! You've been missed!!

Anonymous said...

Jane, that is a brilliant idea. Send me the details of your plastic surgeon...

Ps, The Raconteurs - maybe see you there. Am short, dark of hair and have a bright green and flowery sleeve tattoo - will be alongside curly haired girl and shall no doubt be pissed. Rock and roll.

Motor City Monk said...

Welcome back, bitch!

Where the fuck are you now?

Toby said...

Is my job still available?

Polyman3 said...

YOUR BACK!!! Yeah!
Horray! yip yip yiperee!
I'm so excited, I just wet myself.

Nevertheless, Are you going to stay
this time??? Your in England?
You know it swings like a...oh never mind!

A pouch you say- very handy. How bout a spot for your cell phone
and don't forget room for a photo
album of all your blogger friends
that love you.

Mongrel Porksword said...

It's great to have you back. I missed you.

Zen Wizard said...

I'm forming a support group for everyone who logged onto this page today, by the way...

BEAST said...

Yippeee its JJ.
If you are faux pregnant you can get away with shoplifting , I will send you my wish list
Welcome back !!!!!

~d said...

Hey, Henri-you don't need a dick to have sex with Jane...why in HELL do you think I am here!?

Jane: replacing boobs with a storage area for paraphenalia is not a bad idea, though....

world champ stephen neal said...

I sould be surprised at that enormous snatch that met me upon clicking on your link, but I'm not. Welcome back.

Bunyan, Paul Bunyan said...

My puusy hurts, just looking at that picture!

Anonymous said...

Looking at the photographs on this site, I never know whether to laugh, cry, scream, be sick or knock one out.

So maybe I'll just do them all.

wallycrawler said...

Hi double J .

Could I get the number for that piercer dude ?

After "da kid" my wife could use a couple of staples in her cunt !

Karen Little said...

Yay! Janey's back! Hurrah!

josh williams said...

IF you have a chance I have an idea that could put spelle check into a tails spin, which would hatch a windfall for those ready with a new program. Keep it kinda quite I dont want a bunch of people stealing my copyrighted and patented idea. My Best
if you have a chance...JWW

awaiting said...

YAYYYYYYYY! YAYYYYYY!

You have been so missed! Bout time you came back to the dark side! Now...keep it rolling, and feed my addiction!

Strow said...

ahh, it sure is good to read soome of your wholesome postings again.

welcome back

oxo said...

Ouch, baby. Ouch!

Brookelina said...

Sick fuck.

matty said...

Jungle Jane -- I do so adore you and your new cosmetic goal is worthy of additional adoration. I do, however, have concerns about storing lipstick there. Might it melt?

We've all missed you so much!

I am not sure I fully understand the picture you've uploaded. I think it makes better sense to me if I look at it upside down from across the room. And, then again, maybe not.

gav said...

Ok, what have you got JJ - profile pic wise??

Bleeding, pierced genitalia will not be considered, I'm afraid.

Satan said...

greetings jungle jane

you know how much i lust you

stopped by to collect your soul but realized that was completly unnecessary

you are welcome to continue using it for as long as you would like

i will get it later

keep up the good work

Jesus Toast said...

Heeeeeeeeeeellllllllllooooooo gorgeous!!!!!

Vince said...

My Word! The idea Reminds me of that Kangaroo I ate yesterday. Kangaroo meat is the bomb man... I'm still in Australia headed for a bike ride in New Zealand, so gotta run--Welcome back!!! Did you hit up Amsterdame yet?

Polyman3 said...

um...you are back,
aren't you?

Johnny Menace said...

why did i eat those hot dogs before looking at this site?

The Taker of Gist said...

I like the way your mind is clearly focused on maximizing the efficiency of your corporeal form. My prescription: take two buckets of paint and call me in the morning.

Anonymous said...

I'm interested in trying that new form of birth control you've pictured.

DorianGray1854 said...

I adore you! I adore you! I adore you! There, I said it three times, that's more than my own reflection's ever heard.

~d said...

well, damn baby! Where'd ya go?!

Toby said...

Whoring will only get you so far.

Toby said...

Yeah, I bet you belive in that axis of evil crap too.

~d said...

Jeez if you ain't just the cat's meow!
You pop in with your lil how-do-ya-do....and then POOF! You gone again.
Well a bit SMOOCH for you passing thru my place.
Next time kick your shoes off. I got the hook-up.
Holla!

josh williams said...

I see Jane all over the place but she is like magic! Jane please tell me what the winning Hoosier lottery numbers are for this Sat. the 25th I'll split the winnings, deal?

Mongrel Porksword said...

I'd bang her until she couldn't walk.

Toby said...

Welcome to the jungle

Me said...

Jane? Jane? Where is Jane? If I have to look at that woman's wounded girly parts one more time I might cry. Jane, please come back.

Satan said...

i think that i am speaking for everyone when i say that we are tired of looking at your cunt

it is pissing me off

~d said...

(`d sits in the corner quietly rolling a fattie...will this 'smoke' Jane out?!)

Dirk_Star said...

Yeah, baby!

jeut said...

not only would it be functional, but im sure you could start a new fetish niche on the internet for guys who like to fuck pouches.

you could call it "pouching" and start an online empire at "cumonherpouch.com"

im ahead of my time, i tell ya.

trouble is, i think im only about 4 minutes ahead. :P

Anonymous said...

When you live in a radiation zone this is known as a natural mutation - the many breasted creatures and multi-limbed beings often have natural pockets, pouches, and cheap diamondette piercings as well as pierced genitals... this is notrmal life for me and my pterodactyl

Toby said...

69, my favorite number.

Tom Bailey said...

This is my first visit here. I just wonder what you do to be more sensational after that photo.

Very interesting blog. The jungle? Sounds like a guns and roses or jim rome type of blog.

http://sms100.blogspot.com/

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matty said...

I miss jungle jane.

waving from GayTown,
matty

and, in hopes that she can see or hear my waving and knows that I am wishing her a very happy new year!

Anonymous said...

I was going to have that done....

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Anonymous said...

OK - change this posts soon - or I will never speak to you again !!

Anonymous said...

I have mentioned this before - but please post something new... the cunt thing... its kind of old hat. Am I the ony one who posts here?

Anonymous said...

OK - post something new - the cunt thing is kinda old hat. Am I the only on left on line to post - did blogger ban you all??

Newmania said...

Fyucking hell going to Mutley`s place is a tiocket to a word of pain.I think I `ll hurry back to the Conservative zone

Change is bad

Hyperion said...

Woman - told you - you need to focus your Anger babe - Accelerate those Vixen-Like qualities you neglect so, into a more focussed Area of life babe.

DOM
DOM
DOM
DOM
DOM

**giggles**

I wont give up LOL - you're a LEO ffs woman - how more DOMinant do you wanna be? lol

Get yourself a slave and take lifes frustrations out on its arse, legs, face, back, genitals etc ;)

/hyper holds his paw up...

Pick me * pick me *

;)

Luvs the pic of the chastity piercing - mmm its just lush!!!
Makes me hungry so it does..

I got a pic of one - but mines just complete and all swollen - yours is in PROGRESS and bleeding!!

You soo talented woman!! ;)

Luvs ya babe ;)

Hyper x0x

tkkerouac said...

Is this you?

PDD said...

Janie is having waaaaaaay too much fun with her recycled dildos.

Mongrel Porksword said...

I think about you when I masturbate

alex said...

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