23 February 2006
And for those of you out there thinking my gym sounds hot let me tell you its very rarely a beautiful thing – most chicks happy to wander about naked in my gyn showers also happen to have ghaspingly ugly lady-parts that closely resemble roadkill. At that's not even referring to the elderly patrons with snatches that look like they have been pickled. Maybe it's just me and fnqueen but I do find that overgrowth makes for a fucking ugly twat and a very quick shower.
I don’t know what the deal is with hairy girly-gardens and my gym but I do know that am yet to see anyone with a brazillian in the showers. No pubic topiary or piercings either from what I can tell, although its really very hard to make out what’s what with all that fluffy astro turf on display – I keep wondering if I just walked into the Hair Olympics. I have now concluded that other chicks with bald beavers and piercings simply don’t shower much.
The exception to the 'too much hair' rule is the poor lady in my boxing class who appears to have a low hanging ham nestled between her poor overburdened labia – she definitely needs more hair. If there is such a thing as a clitoral nip and tuck I urge this chick to take the fucking bank loan and just do it. she should. I am not entirely sure whether it is a good thing or a bad thing to have such an unfeasibly large clitoris – I might take this up the most amusing Jesus Toast who kindly spent the past 2 days on Jane TV pretending to be my vagina. Toast is wise in matters of loosely packed kebabs it seems.
Anyhow. You can observe a lot just by watching. Is all I'm sayin'.
22 February 2006
Swiss: du stenksch wienen souarsch
Scooter: beep beep
Pirate: Ye reek like the bottom end of a Boar.....Matey
Scouse: You smell like a pig's arse now gimme yer fuckin money you cunt
Zen Latin: Odiosus mihis
Brazilian Portuguese: Voce fede como um cu de porco
French: votre odeur est comme le cul de un porc
German: Du riechst wie ein Schwein
Spanish: hueles como el culo de un cerdo
Zulu: bepo lo inja
Afrikaans: jy reik lyk 'n vark se aars
Denny Speak: ouay mellsay ikelay aay ig'spay rseaay
1. Choking Kojak
3. A device for finding furniture in the dark.
4. Soft and warm when you go to bed but hard and stiff when you wake up
6. A type of food that never digests and is clearly visible in one’s shit
8. Your employer
11. A poop milkshake
13. nut sack
15. Prevents males from shitting on their testicles
18. _______ Week (Common term for a woman’s menstrual period)
19. The ugliest kid in Grade 2
20. World Champion and all round nice guy?
21. One who has undesirable or negative qualities
2. The difference between a choir boy and a queer boy
3. A foodstuff high in protein
5. Occurs when you use Herbal Essence shampoo
7. Frequent public areas in search for having sexual intercourse with the same gender
8. An activity frequently conducted in the shower
9. An animal with a cunt half way up it’s back (2 words)
10. Computer V.D.
12. A long word for a short word
14. ( + )( + )
16. A Blogger who doubles as a human coathanger
17. The rounded part of a man’s knob
18 February 2006
- Before you call in, practise your story (and your sick voice if appropriate) in front of the mirror. Make it quick - blabbering indicates nervousness.
- Do not overplay your symptoms when making the actual call – adopt the same tone you would when being hounded for a report that is overdue and which you haven’t completed by firstly being vague and secondly using long words. In this case a small groan is also a nice touch.
- Report in sick real early – best aim to get your boss’s voicemail. If this fails, you will have to actually speak to them. You should not call the office secretary or ask a colleague to pass the message. And you certainly should not call in sick via email or text message (an increasingly common mistake)
- Never let your colleagues know that you are taking the following day off - the Sickie must fool everyone to work properly. You need to callously use your buddies to validate your condition and therefore you need to lie to them too.
- Keep informed on what recent excuses have been used by others – you don’t want two Aunty Mildreds dying in the same office, do you? On the flip side, always take advantage of a virus doing the rounds - there is no point letting that nice Bird Flu go to waste, yeah?
- It is ALWAYS better to take 2 days than one. Always. And the good thing with the second day is that it is okay to break rule 2.
- If you fake a doctor’s note on your home computer/printer do try to remember to use a real proper doctor. And check first by ringing – don’t make the oooopsie I did a few years back and fake my sick note on a vet’s letterhead
Don’t hesitate to use this excuse. Blood in your stool, your semen, your urine, unexpected spotting (females only), coughing blood - it’s all good.
Ideal excuses – I am very surprised more people don’t fall back on the Seizure. Seizures are always serious (indeed you can fake one in the workplace if a meeting drags on too long) and happily there is frequently no medical explanation for them.
Stay away from this one – it makes you look weak and damages your chances for promotion. Don't call up saying your pet is sick, vomiting, dying/died etc. The exception to this saying you have actually killed the animal yourself and throw a small child is in the equation: for example driving over your 3 year old’s poodle. Of course that means you will genuinely have to get rid of the poodle at some stage to authenticate the lie, but I am sure we all agree there are too many poodles in the world anyhow
Yeah well use this at your discretion. Maybe it’s just me, but it gets a bit spooky when you have to “kill off” your own mother just to take a couple days off. The good thing with death though is that you get 2 days – one for the death and one for the funeral. Some companies even give you compassionate leave that doesn’t affect the rest of your holiday leave days or your sick days.
Look shit does work – there is no doubt about it – but it is a bit lame. Diarrhoea, food poisoning, hangovers etc really doesn’t demonstrate much creativity. If you are female, you are mad to go for runny bum when Cystitis is available. If you are male, opt for Crohn’s disease.
Please send me your excuses to add to my database. I am also interested, for academic purposes, in what excuses totally don't work. This is all strictly for scientific research though and not to help me take more time off. Honest.
16 February 2006
I am not a daily picker - unfortunately I am not really much of a mucus-forming person. I would say that I muster up a bloody good pick at least once a week on average although in summer that increases to as much as one every second day on a good week.
I have never consumed my nasal phlegm but I would certainly be interested in doing so some day. I often wonder if - like the taste of semen - the taste alters depending on what you have eaten. If so, I will NEVER consume asparagus and then eat my snot!
Like all pranksters I have of course deliberately performed a pick and then waved the contents at horrified onlookers just for kicks. I then usually chuckle and re-assure them that I am just changing my mind manually. I am not entirely sure why everyone is so grossed out by snot – its not as if I am wiping my arse with my hand and then licking it.
On average I estimate that I spend between 1-3 minutes per pick. So 5 minutes a week is really not a lot to spare for something that gives me so much joy. And because I use my finger rather than those freaks who use pens and such I can happily report that I have never had a nosebleed. I certainly am not one of those silly sods that have perforated their nasal septums.
Now although my nose picking is largely for sport and recreational purposes I do sometimes unburden myself simply to unclog my nasal passages or relieve discomfort and itchiness. on these occasions I tend to opt for blowing into a tissue though. Go figure!
Call me weird but I always tend to use the index finger of my right hand – I simply cannot get enjoyment from any other finger except in emergencies when I use my pinky finger. I find that my bounty is altogether less fruitful using my left hand too. I think it’s a bit like masturbating – I never use my left hand for that either.
So I guess you all want to know how I dispose of my rich pickings, right? Well this is where it just gets plain fucking bizarre. Snot disposal forms a large part of my ritual pleasure. I have been known to go to the loo at work, perform a pick and then return to my workplace and smear the results onto someone else’s property. Their chair for example. Or their computer. Or a notebook. I like to watch their reactions or even lack of reactions – sometimes it pleases me more when they don’t notice.
Anyhow. Have a great day.
13 February 2006
Corned Beef aside, it seems that Hotdog Speed Eating is so fucking hot at the moment. And these ‘athletes’ don’t fuck about, gang - the world champion can swallow 53 of the motherfuckers in a mere 12 minutes.
Well it’s Challenge Time in The Jungle! Let’s see what you can all do! Hopefully you will scrub up better than me – I barfed in my lap after eating a mere 6. let me know if you wish me to post the video – it was fairly chunky and pink though I must warn you.
You will need:
54 hotdogs -- 54 bread rolls -- Trusted Assistant -- Large tub of water -- Spoonful of oil -- Stopwatch - Bucket for vomit -- a proper audience or a tape of crowds cheering
Eat heaps of bran the day before your attempt. This ensures that you will do a massive dump on the day, thereby freeing up valuable stomach space.
Step by Step guide:
- Swallow the oil to lubricate your gut. Try not to gag or heave.
- Get your Trusted Assistant to start timing you – a loud bell ringing can enhance the drama of the moment, otherwise a joke ring such as a fart is amusing for non-competitive practise.
- Grab a hotdog, pull the weiner out the bun and break the weiner in half. Start guzzling the weiner taking a small bite size chunk on each side of the mouth. This double sided chewing action is your passport to victory
- Swallow people, swallow. Don’t fuck about chewing too much – it wastes time
- Pick up a bun and wet it in the bowl of water
- Roll it up into little balls and swallow it like popcorn. Don’t chew - remember the mantra: “He who chewed was screwed”
- Repeat the above another 53 times in under 12 minutes
You can now prepare to receive your new world record. Then lie back to receive your blowjobs while your trusted assistants fights off the groupies.
Indigestion -- obesity -- noxious farting during groupie blowjobs -- syphilis
11 February 2006
A sexually transmitted disease carried by the virus we all love to hate - Treponema pallidum.
How do you catch it?
Butt fucking, beaver fucking, swallowing jizm and probably fisting, although I am not entirely sure about the last one. Contamination occurs after contact with the other people’s syphilitic sores. Although these are usually located on genitals they can also be found on the mouth. So if you think you could just settle for a blowjob instead, think again. You cannot catch syphilis from toilet seats...but then who in their right mind would want to give a toilet seat a blowjob anyhow? Swimming pools are also safe, but hands up anyone who would happily swim in the same pool as someone with suppurating syphilitic wounds?
Have I got it?
This is where it gets ugly, people. Once infected you will break out in a painless wound or several sores in the area you became infected in. Unless you get it treated, you will move into phase two of the virus and will develop a really ugly red rash on the bottoms of your feet and hands. By now you should definitely know something is wrong as this repulsive rash phase is accompanied by patchy hair loss, headaches, swollen glands, weight loss (fat folk DO NOT go get this disease – you are better off at Weight Watchers)
If you are still unaware that something is fucking wrong then you are a total cock. But assuming you have kept putting off that visit to the STD clinic the final stage is paralysis, heart problems, blindness and dementia. Which can only mean that there are a ton of old people with syphilis seeing as many of them exhibit these identical symptoms.
Not bad if you catch it in time. You might want to alert sexual partners to it before they go down on you though.
Syphilis and the Arts
08 February 2006
There is something plain fucking wrong about men wearing bicycle shorts as leisure wear*. I even question whether their ewwww factor invalidates their practical value when it comes to sporting activity. The disease is spreading too – only last weekend I noted with dismay on my brisk walk around Balmain Bay that even rowers have now taken to wearing all-in-one lycra jumpsuits. My eyes! My eyes! Mummy make it go away!
If i am going to continue to enjoy my morning walk I am going to have to brush up on bicycle-pant-etiquette – the art of walking past a man dressed in spandex without guffawing at his groin.
Mind you, the world would surely be a better place if I tried to stamp out lycra entirely? Hmmm...perhaps I could walk about the bay in a pair of cycle pants covering a couple of lumpy potatoes and a large curved carrot nestled against my vulva. If it makes just one Lycra Lover question their decision to look like the raw ingredients of a nice winter soup then it's worth it.
The other way I could heal my pain though is to engage the help of you, the blogger, in my time of need:-
Female bloggers: please provide me with three names of male bloggers you wish to see in cycle shorts for whatever perverse reason tickles your tonsils.
Male bloggers: if you are tagged please immediately send me a photo of yourselves in a pair of bad-arse lycra cycle shorts so that I can chortle loudly until my phobia wears off. And no erections, please – The Jungle is a family oriented blog.
*Please note: this post DID NOT apply to Axl Rose who I love and wish to root