18 July 2007


Londoners keep yapping on about how vile public transport is but really it’s totally easy to get a seat during rush hour. I just wear a muslim burkha every morning and combined with my Friends Re-Ignited duffel bag it’s enough to not only make sure I get a seat – heck the whole fucking carriage empties out.

Occupying a deserted carriage saves me from having to squeeze between men in suits who have their legs splayed open at a 90 degree angle as if they have chosen the Underground as a great place to give birth. Ladies never sit with their legs wide apart taking up more room than their ticket entitles them to. Men: SHUT YOUR LEGS.

Sitting in an empty carriage of course entitles me to do exactly the fuck what I want with the train windows. Train window etiquette is such a political minefield for British commuters I am very surprised that transport authorities haven’t hired an overpaid psychiatrist like me to write an illustrated leaflet in 123 languages on how we should all overcome Window Anxiety.

The social embarrassment of wanting to open a window but being too nervous to do so in case you piss off the whole carriage may seem trite to foreign folk, but for British people it's even more complex than trying to figure out whether anal beads should be inserted waxy knot up or down.

Our discomfort is palpable if we want to open a shut window – what if it pisses off your fellow travellers who might like inhaling AIDS infected stale air? Even worse – what if we pluck up the guts to open the stupid window only to have someone jump on at the next stop and shut it? Fuck. In this situation a British person has no other option to get off at the next stop and wait for the next train. The only time you can get away with this gaffe is if you are pregnant – standing pregnant ladies are always invisible to others on packed trains.

Broken windows are worse still – it is very difficult to retain your dignity if you attempt to open a window only to find it is stuck. The only option here is for you to accept the Commuter-Walk-of-Shame at the next stop AND take an alternative route home for at least the next 6 months in case someone recognises you. Even then you need to at least change your hairstyle to disguise yourself before you try you regular route.

Of course as a burka wearer I can open a window whenever I fucking want. I might be silently hated for doing so but at least I’m not driving a burning car into an airport.


Fewclewz said...

Sorry, but I can't tell from the photo where the rubbish stops and the picture of you begins! Must be very difficult when you go to the tip!

fingers said...

OMG, you look identical to my new girlfriend.
I met her on Taliban-RSVP...

ARM said...

Holy shit, Jane. You crack me the fuck up.

Airam said...

A burkha huh?? When in doubt (or when incognito) just be a Muslim for a day!!

I hate looking like a fool trying to open a window that won't open. The grunting doesn't help either.

Anonymous said...

I think it's time we got you your own helicoptor Jane. You're much to special to be subjected to odor de train-folk.

Tell me, do they expose and relieve themselves in on UK trains too?

Bugwit said...

Yelling "death to the infidel!!!" every so often should clear out any stragglers.

Re: Your link: Funny how they just blow up like that.

Re: English arse-puckering over windows. I recently read a book by a sociologist named Kate Fox called "Watching the British". One of her experiments was to deliberately "accidentally" run into people on the platform. 90% of her victims apologized.

Have you ever tried any sociological experiments on the British, JJ? Other than the Burka, I mean.

jungle jane said...

Long time no see! Wow - its been ages!

As you can see, I've had a makeover recently. I now wear a lot of blue. Admittedly i tend to get thrown out with the trash, but hey - nobody ever said being a fashion icon was easy.

HA! See - i KNEW you were lying when you said you were doing all that RSVP shit for "research".
Careful not to light any ciggies around her fingers.

i am a deep thinker, arm. i am sure i should have my own television show.

it works for me. it's just hard to relax and enjoy myself when i'm on the beach - i hate getting sand in the folds of my burkini.

i think that's a fabulous idea. i am certain the authorities will not have issue with me landing my helicopter in central london. of course it means i'd have to give up exposing myself - but hey may i can flash a brown eye at the anti-terrorist squad as i land

perhaps i can add some audio to my picture link? have one of those cute joke helium balloon voices yelling "i can't aim for shit"?

Bumping into people sounds like a great sport. The harder you bump, the more they apologise. unfortuntately i have little time at the moment for such pranks what with the glorious summer weather we are having - i spend most my free time sunbathing.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Didn't we meet at this year's Wimbledon, JJ? I think you were keeping the balls dry during the rain breaks. You sure knew how to have fun inside that burka.

garfer said...

I never travel on trains (except when I fancy a shag).

Public transport is for the hoi.

I had that Kylie Minogue in the back of a cab once.

Mone said...

There is nothing better than sitting in an desertet carriage and playing with yourself. Sometimes people are trying to get on to, but I'm sure looking at your duffel bag they step rigth back out. So enjoy your ride home JJ :)

First Nations said...

you can get away with a lot, under a burkha....

waygon112 said...

Jane, you really get around. I saw you on the News in Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, England and it was either you or a bag lady in New York.
You truly are a world traveller.

Jenny! said...

Do I need to give you an anal bead insertion lesson?

Bugwit said...

Hmmm...maybe you should knock over old ladies in the street and tell them you want 5 quid for their rudeness.

zen wizard said...

Some of that luggage actually looks like it is from the Glad Tall Kitchen Drawstring line...

Public transportation?

I didn't watch the Vietnam War on TV and almost wander really close to a demonstration one time, so I could ride a bus with the plebeians!


Fire up the Buick! Those dinosaurs died for ME!!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Do you know what pisses me off?
People hiding the toilets for the entire journey hiding from the ticket guy.
Some of us had a beer or two before we got on the train...

Erin O'Brien said...


Wow ... just ... wow.

zen wizard said...

Maybe the businessmen with their legs spread out think you're a hooker--like on 1,001 Arabian Nights.

Tell them a really cool story and see what happens.

wallycrawler said...

Ya just never now what they'll throw out in da trash !?

Don't they just burn their women first , then throw them out ?

wallycrawler said...

Who takes trains anyhoo ?

I drive a donkey cart and try ta pick-up burnt up "burkha babes" .
There's noth'n like have'n forbidden liaisons with flesh scared , clitoral circumcised , Muslims .

Badger said...

Jane. I can't shut me legs. My balls are too big and would get squeezed. I also have gas and it allows it to escape easier. Of course I would always spread my legs for you.

Ms Robinson said...

My personal experiment is to just smile on the tube. Scares the shit out of people and gets me a seat every time.

jungle jane said...

I am sorry to say that it was not me you met at Wimbledon. I never go there - it's a scary neighbourhood. Perhaps you were having fun with a rotting sack of garbage?

Does that mean that shagging is for the hoi too? Do you have any train pickup tips Garfer? Or do you just sit with your lets open, hmmmm?

There are security cameras in all trains, so you are never quite alone. I am sure the public transport police LOVE it when you get on!

Yeah you are right. You never have fat days in a burkha either. And you don't have to worry about what your hair looks like. Your biggest problem is having a bad eye day i guess.

Oh yes, a worldly famous person like me certainly does do the rounds. I don't think that was me in New York though - are you sure it wasn't just a large sack of compost?

egan said...

Jane, I saw someone driving yesterday with a burkah on. They lodged their cell phone between the burkah and their ear. It was so clever.

jungle jane said...

WOOHOOOOO yes please! Can you wear your "I love peni" shirt while you are giving the lesson? Hang on a sec! Lemme get Beastie and Mr Mutley - we can't let them miss this!

Wow good thinking! Bug, if ever you get sick of selling insurance we should go into business! you can be the brains, i will be the pretty eyes behind the burkha! Deal???

Fire up the buick! Oh lordy me Zen, are you turning into a suicide bomber? Wow i find that so sexy! i love a man of conviction. Especially one who wears cute ties!

Are you sure they are dodging the tickets? Perhaps they are joining the mile low club and fornicating?? Besides - you are a bloke. Just open a windown and piss out of that!

They are ridiculous! They clearly don't know the unspoken rule that says you may not take up any more room than the width between your armrests. This includes the legs - if they sprawal past the armrest then technically they are in MY space!

jungle jane said...

Hang on. Your twisted theory may have merit. Except i suspect that it is these gentlemen that are plying their dirty trade. Oh fuck - my train is crawling with male hookers! Okay tomorrow morning i will approach a cute one and ask him "how much for hand relief", yeah?

You have no idea how many times i have been mistaken for 'trash'. Its only since i started wearing my backpack and muttering "death to infidels" in tune to the national anthem that i command respect.

HAHAHAHAHAHA yeah right pull the other one Badge my lovely. We all know you've been practising This sexy game. Don't be shy Badge. Your willingness to "experiement" is what i love so very much about you.

Ms Robinson
I have seen your pictures Ms R. I suspect that a smile from you will result in a collective swoon from every man in the carriage. The ladies would be a bit jealous, mind you. I bet they put their bags down on the seat next to them when they see you coming.

My word that is clever! Fancy using your cellphone to keep your burkha in place! I guess she had the window down eh? so hard to keep the folds tucked in with the window wound down!

EBEZP said...

You really remind me of someone JJ?!

Thanks for your kindness on mine - all a bit better now.
You rock JJ!

Tickersoid said...

Last time I used the underground, I was violently molested.

Ahhh...sweet memories.

Tickersoid said...

Oh....and if this new image requires your clit to be removed, could you send it to me. My pencil rubber dropped off.

zen wizard said...

People will pay old crusty businessmen for sex in England?

I heard people were really ugly there--except the rich people like Jordan with a bunch of plastic surgery and really good dentists--but I thought that was a bunch of nationalistic propaganda just to keep the tourist dollar at Busch Gardens and Universal Studios et al.

Then how come so many guys in the House of Lords are always getting caught with hookers? Wait, are THEY the hookers?

I am so confused...

RAFFI said...

waxy knot down... and my burka is see through.

jungle jane said...

That's funny - i got an email this morning with a picture that reminded me EXACTLY of you! right down to the little cap! My word, its a funny old world!

I am glad you are better - i am certain my hugs helped.

Were you molested by a lady in a blue burka? if so, she didn't just grope your Nasty - she stole your wallet and bought shoes with your credit card too.

I'm afraid i do need the clit though - i am thinking of going into the Smoked Oyster industry.

I think you will find the lovely Jordon does not like to be called Jordan anymore because the name is cheap and tacky. She prefers her real name - Katie - which is a lot more upmarket and less bimbo-like.

The Lords are caught with hookers because its part of their duties as Lords to mix with the common folk. They don't enjoy dressing in suspenders and such - they only do it because they love their country and their queen and are suffering for their work and dedication. You should pity them - they HATE spending our taxed on getting their bums spanked.

Oh thanks for clearing that up - i had it up the whole time. it felt like my haemroids were competing for airspace with my anal beads.

BEAST said...

JJ , just a few pionts , us boys have to keep our legs wide open in the hot fetid air , to keep everything nice and aired and also to alert potential mates that we indeed have ENORMOUS genitalia , and therefore cannot get our knees together.
Does the Bhurka have air vents ? it must get very unpleasant in there if for example you have been to Cranks for lunch and are suffering from 'vegetarian coughing colon'.

BEAST said...

I must say JJ , I do like your Bhurka and matching luggage ensemble.....is it Gucci ????

ChickyBabe said...

What is it with men and their legs wide open? I feel like peering down and saying, "you dick isn't that big that it needs a seat of its own!"

Crashdummie said...

I hate when men go all Neanderthal on the busses/metros and spreading their legs.. dude, mind my space will ya!

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Note to self; Buy a Burka.

I used to take the buses everyday, when I lived in Pittsburgh. Sadly enough, this is the traveling pattern of every insane and stinky person, known to man. If you're sitting they like to put there rancid ass in your face. On a hot day, you could walk on the bus and almost pass out. I do not miss that or the weirdo's.

BEAST said...

Girls , girls , girls....tsk tsk
You 'all do the same with breasts , only they dont in the main hang between your legs.
There is one girl in my office with such an extreme push up bra she is forced to peer over the top of her puppies......i think its a promotion strategy

egan said...

The window was up actually. I've got very keen eyes. How the hell are you Jane?

~d said...

OK, the truth is: I am an alien.
the waxy knot is the more slippery end. and therefore should be inserted first.

Bugwit said...

It's a deal. Shall I go ahead and sell my insurance biz?

Can't wait to get into the emotional extortion racket.

EmmaK said...

Fantastic idea, now where do I buy a burka??

jungle jane said...

Have you ever considered hiring a crane to transport your ENORMOUS genetalia around? i worry about your back, Beastie. You should consider genetalia reduction surgery you know. There is no shame in it.

I ALWAYS co-ordinate Beastie. You will NEVER see me out in a Gucci burkha with Armani rubbish bags.

Fuck i dunno. its worse when you are trapped between 2 men. I am going to make signs to place all over the train saying "Men you are not a compass. do not measure 90 degrees".

Its worse on busses! there are no handrests to seperate you! Men should have to buy 2 tickets - one for themselves and one for their gaping legs!

Fuck! I am never going to Pittsburgh! Its bad enough that i have to face their nasty crotches. Ass too? *blegh*

Well i am just lovely. I don't have a Wii or a baby - but i do have a cask of red wine! and a Burkha!

jungle jane said...

HANGGGGG ON! our tits are confined to our underwear! They may protrude forwards, but fuck at least we are not taking up the next guys space or anything! No. I insist. One train ticket for ladies, two for men.

Fuck! i just inserted the knot last! and now the whole set of beads are stuck in my throat! Halllp!

Surely if you want to get into extortion you should simply remain in Insurance??

Have you tried Burkhas-R-Us? or maybe try eBay - i am certain there are a few suicide bombers who are happy to make a buck before they complete their final mission??

Anonymous said...

I am pregnant Ms JJ but no one stands up for me.. also I have Islamic extremist neighbours who are collecting money in cash for a 3 month holiday in Pakistan. Do you think I should inform MI5??

~Babsbitchin~ said...

Quite concerned about Beastie carrying all that weight. I mean, eventually, it's going to affect his hearing and back and sciatic nerve, this could be a severe problem. Maybe support house would help? What do think Dr.JJ?

jungle jane said...

SCREEEEEEEEEEECH! you tell me like this? in front of the whole world??? omg omg omg...i'm going to be a daddy....

Yeah me too. Poor Beastie - so afflicted by his ENORMOUS genetalia. His knees are going to give up the ghost in time too. I guess we could always amputate them and keep them in a pickle jar on our mantlepiece? You can have the knob, i'll keep the nuts?

morbid misanthrope said...

And here I thought wearing a burka might help you catch a cab. Or is it a sin in the eyes of Allah for a Muslim woman to presume she is worthy of sitting in a car alone with a man? I can never remember those little details.

Newmania said...

Are those really pictures of you? Wow you are really ..well ...I mean....

Just a quick feel thats all I ask , is that really such a problem ...yeeesh

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Congratulations to you and Mutley on the forthcoming happy event. I look forward to seeing the purple puppy when it is born.

La Muck said...

*cracks spine falling off chair, and chokes on own tongue*

Woman, you need to have more power.