12 July 2007

One night stands

Jungley Jane has never had a one night stand herself of course, however she does have a “friend” who has, the dirty tramp.

One-night stands are to relationships what short stories are to novels – a sexual encounter between strangers who hope they will never see each other again. The relationship begins and ends within a few hours and consequently one is spared the tedium of engagements, breeding, ageing and cuddling. All you get is the sex – it’s a bit like licking off the icing before feeding the rest of the cake to the dogs.

It is rare that a one night stand is kept secret afterward. For this reason you should try to avoid hooking up with your best mate’s ex - the statute of limitations never passes on your best mate’s right to be unreasonable. Bedding your best mate’s father, sister and mother is totally fine, although you shouldn't probably do them all on the same night.

Hook-ups usually happen when you are highly intoxicated – Lordy me, the amount of times I’ve got pissed and fallen on top of a knob is just uncanny.

If you do want to root a random you meet in some dodgy club it is best to always give them a false name from the outset. It is highly unlikely in the cold light of day that you will remember theirs, so by ensuring you both call each other the wrong name the entire faux pas is nul and void.

The golden rule of a successful bash and dash is to always go to their place in case you pulled a person who thinks its okay to hang around the whole next day. You also get a chance to check out their refrigerator – if there is a picture of you on it already and you never met them before you might want to get the fuck out of there quickly. And don't forget to ransack their drugs tin as you are sneaking about their place when they are passed out, people!

When it comes to the actual sex there is really very little etiquette to bear in mind – drunk people don’t make notes. Ladies if he’s drier than your mum’s Sunday roast its perfectly fine to spit on his knob – he’ll never remember. Lads, this is your chance to try out your Ron Jeremy moves – girls love a man that slaps his knob around your laydee-parts like they fainted and need resuscitating. Don’t bother using that condom either folks – you totally can’t get diseases if you only fuck once.

The sex is likely to end when one of you either passes out (technically its probably not great etiquette to carry on humping) or sneaks off have a little vom-vom. Your choices now are whether to endure the night politely cuddling a stranger or slipping out the back door having emptied out your conquest’s booze cabinet. Either way, never stay for breakfast. He’s unlikely to have mascara remover at his house and you really don’t want to sit across a table in broad light of day with your decaying makeup from the night before dripping down your sparkly clubbing pants.

Finally, if you have to go straight to work the next day, hold you head up high as you walk in the office. LOADS of people wear sparkly clubbing pants to work these days. Just remember that proximity is not your friend – you will only be rumbled if they smell it seeping out your pores.


zen wizard said...

A man should never shag his best friends ex--but the general rule is, "If she is incredibly hot, wait six months."

I mean, she had better be smokin' hot--like Mimi Rogers in The Rapture hot.

In other words, it's "Bro's before Ho's," unless she is so fine she would give Pope Benedict a chubb.

Then go for it, and your "bro" will forgive you after the requisite "shocked & saddened at your behavior"-mourning period.

Which is usually another 6 months.

Total time investment on schtupping your best friend's ex?? 1-year.

I know--you could have gotten a masters in psychology, written a half-assed good novel, or done something else productive in that time period--so she had better be hot.

We're talkin', "Snooty-maitre d'-at-the-Ritz-seats-you-in-the-best-table-with-no-bribe"-hot.

It helps if you rationalize your trechery--while sliding her the salami (or "corking the kosher kielbasa," if you prefer)--by recounting all the times your "bud" came over and bummed beers and farted on your couch. If he has left permanent stains in your carpet, think about that between thrusts. In fact, you had better think about something else when you are shagging this mega-babe, or Houston we have a problem.

If your friend has never done anything wrong, think about Yogi Berra's hairy ass cheeks rubbing against each other in the 1956 World Series. Unless you are a die-hard Yankees fan, this should calm you down a little.

Try not to think about that time your friend bailed you out of jail, or you might lose wood.

I hope this helps--good luck on your journey!!

zen wizard said...

Oh, and res ipsa loquitur,, I was the first Commenter.

(I got so involved in recounting porking my best friend's babe I forgot to mention the obvious.)

morbid misanthrope said...

Don't people go to ice cream socials anymore? Is it all brainless fucking with this generation? I blame the MTV.

fingers said...

I've always likened ONS's to being able to go see U2 live in concert without having to sit through all those shitful support acts...

Jesus Toast said...

OH my god you are here. I love you. Thank you for being alive so much. Nice tits too.

ARM said...

This post makes me want to be single again.

josh williams said...

I'm printing this for future referance.
Damn so much to learn, so much to learn and as I said before so much to learn.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Oh fuckin' hilarious. But informative, forthright and damn good folly gossip. I've never had a one night stand, I wouldn't know. hahaha!

RAFFI said...

oh, i thought the excessive alcohol served as an antiseptic and actually killed any disease making a condom unnecessary. i've always had gay fantasies to make it with my ex-girlfriend's dad, just so i can call him my bitch... 'yeah bitch!!!' no but seriously, i love when women need to leave my place in the bright morning sun and suffer the 'walk of shame'... sparkly pants, runny make up, sex stench, mouth and eye crust, and all.

Bugwit said...

It's okay to shag your mate's father, mother, brother or sis, just not at the same time? Well, ya gotta have limits, don't ya?

Airam said...

I've never had a one night stand although I was close.

I think I'm going to have to seriously re-consider the whole concept of it.

Die Muräne said...

Sometimes I wonder why every one night stand pretends that this was her first one night stand.... but well yeah, who cares.

jungle jane said...

Zen your comment is utterly fucking amazing. Seriously.

There is clearly enormously different etiquette for men and woman. You see, the MORE smoking hot your best mate's ex is, the less you are allowed to root them.

Technically with women you are never allowed to shag their ex. They certainly don't do 6 months of feigned hurt.

As you girl, usually you are ex-communicated the second you do such a thing. And you don't just lose your best mate, technically no one else is allowed to be friends with you too.

Of course if you then go off and see the bloke again - well fuck. you should move city.

Men see like such forgiving creatures. Tell me - does a point ever come with men where you slap each other on the back and discuss how good she was at giving head??

jungle jane said...

Blame alcohol Morbid. One doesn’t exactly have sober one night stands (so I believe) do you? I challenge all blog readers to recount a tale of a one night stand where they were stone cold sober…

MTV is of course responsible for making the world aware of rap. Bastards.

I think of going to U2 a bit more as like masturbating. That Bono chap always looks like he’s loving himself soooo much he would far rather be backstage knocking the top off one whilst staring in the mirror. With his big bug eye sunnies.

*does a cartwheel hoping she has worn knickers today*
My world is complete! The Toasted One is back! Oh my word, this is the best thing that has happened to me since I discovered I could use my cake blender to masturbate! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!

Ah! Actually during my ‘research’ (yes folks, I take my blogging so seriously I had to rush out and have 294 one night stands this past few days just to be factual) I discovered that many ONSs are in fact undertaken by Not Single People. Sigh, I guess I have to go get married so I can report back on that aspect?

Baby steps Josh. Start out by pulling your mother in law and then gradually pluck up the courage to work your way through a few bars and pubs in your neighbourhood. Take your camera and keep us informed as to your progress. Good luck Josh. You are a man of science and courage

jungle jane said...

I guess if you have lots of one night stands you now have to call the Several Night Stands? Either way, few people seem to love the – especially girls. Most lay-dees seem to hate them afterwards and always blame alcohol.

Yeah you are right about the alcohol thing. You don’t need to use them really. After all you wouldn’t go shower in a raincoat, right? I think you should totally hit on your ex’s dad. You are fine to do that – I’m sure the whole family will worship you after that. Let us know how you go, Raffi. Take video if possible

Ja of course. Who wants to see their mate’s father and other nekkid together at the same time? Ewwwwwwwwwwwww. Just remember you should be filming these encounters and no girl wants to see her mum in such and inelegant situation with her dad.

I am certain they are not very nice, otherwise they would be declared a sport. With rules and all. And we would get points for taking part in them. Marathons would get more points.

Die Murane
Yeah I hear you. A bit like men who take part in one night stands and declare “this never happened before” when they can’t get an erection. So I hear.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Best friends can't share the same lover?? Female gorillas would never get laid if they followed that principle. I'd be happy for you to shag all my friends, JJ, as long as I could watch.

EBEZP said...

Oh to have the intensity of a one night stand in a longer term relationship. Two nights maybe!!

garfer said...

I prefer quick Ugandan discussions in train toilet cubicles.

Quick, to the point, and a buffet car close at hand to replenish ones energy after the dirty deed.


Mongrel Porksword said...

I always carry a brown paper bag to put over her head, in case she's tres ugly.

Then I can pretend I'm plowing Jenna Jameson.

Die Muräne said...

In an ons the woman is either hot or you are at least drunk enough to think so. The "can’t get an erection"-thingy only happens later when you unfortunately know the old tart too well. So I hear.

BEAST said...

***** removes picture of jj from Fridge****

BEAST said...

Whats all this comment after comment of 'I have never had a one night stand'
You fibbers !

Té la mà Maria - Reus said...

congratulations is very good blog
fantastic !!

salutations from Catalonia Spain

Mone said...

Good points for starters, as always JJ.
There is nothing worse than being at your house in the morning and twisting your mind on how the eff to get that dude out of there, because some of them are actually expecting breakfast.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

OK, I always stay clear of mate's exes and relatives.

I have to say, generally, one night stands are more enjoyable. The sex is more liberated and the post coital conversations more relaxed. Since you're not trying to impress them- job done on that front- you don't feel bad about having a toot in front of them either.

SpanishGoth said...

Well I think one night stands are great - although I must confess I prefer one night lying downs...

Drama Queen said...

So true. Er, not that I would know.


EmmaK said...

Some excellent points!! But one quibble, you make it sound as if having one night stands were a great big laugh, when, if memory serves me correctly, they are mostly shit shit shit. You are right, the best encounters are when the guy just gets out of bed after he has fucked you and clears off....seeing each other in the cold light of day and trying to make polite conversation with a huge hangover is hell pure and simple.

Tickersoid said...

I don't 'do' sex. The rocking motion makes me nausious.

Badger said...

I find sex when their passed out the best. Especially anal, there sphincter is especially loose.

Flyinfox_SATX said...

Jane, I think you should be standard reading in most sex ed classes today. Give these little horndogs some hope at least...

Good post!


Jenny! said...

I didn't know there was a name for that...one night stand...good to know! I thought that was love?

First Nations said...

jungly jane-take them home?
gracious, who makes it home??

nothing equals the brisk outdoorsy feel of a drunken shag up against the alley wall out back of the club amongst the old lettuces. sex al fresco! similarly the car park makes for an entertaining interlude, striving drunkenly to maintain your footing, bent over the back of a vauxhall while some stranger probes your innermost secrets with his beer-inspired love-weasel at a soggy half-mast...
sex in the decorative plantings? nothing says' i am a skanky beer hog' like a brisk 30 minutes or so spent on ones knees amidst the discarded comdoms and dried vomit behind the ornamental buxus, nuzzling the flubby bits of all and sundry! coked to the tits, vodka sizzling out your ears, the smell of drying saliva and alcoholic sweat permeating the atmosphere while some polyesther prince smacks his cheese nozzle about your chops muttering' is this it? is this it?'

not that i would, um, know.

BEAST said...

JJ whats the etiquette for a little light fisting or hardcore S&M on a one night stand - Mr Mutley was too embarassed to ask

waygon112 said...

Jane your "friend" sounds like she knows what she's talking about on this one.
She must have a pretty good memory to remeber the do's and don'ts after a night of drunkness and sex!!!

~d said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
~d said...

Don’t bother using that condom either folks – you totally can’t get diseases if you only fuck once.
*SHIT! If I had known this, I could have saved so much money! And had so many (more) men!

Anonymous said...

I have lived in hope of a one night stand for years... too old now I think, every fucking woman I meet wants to marry me. All I want is a quick shag

Jenny! said...

Mutley I don't want ot marry you!

Anonymous said...

So some folks root the same person twice, huh? I'll have to try that.

Lord Milky said...

The sex is likely to end when one of you...sneaks off have a little vom-vom.

It's like the ghost of Christmas past!

jungle jane said...

Human females cannot share lovers. we call it 'the law of averages'. of course i cannot shag your friends GB. Jungley Jane does not have sex. i am wayyyyy to busy rolling joints to be so...u...primative...

2 nights in a row? ohhhh Ezebp now you are talking long term relationship. you as well get married. no good can come of this. no. it sounds quite unnatural. The Lord wouldn't like it.

okay trains are entirely different. they are always perissable. that's not sex, it's natural human behaviour. if God hadn't wanted us to fuck on trains, he/she would not have invented steam combustion. seriuosly.

oh nice. you can also use the paper bag for your vom vom. i like a pratical man, porkie. you are so...worldly...

die murane
i know not of this. i have never met a man who 'could not get an erection'. exvcept for the pope. and even he quietly went into the toilets to knock a quick on off.

jungle jane said...

amazing huh. ALL of these readers and yet NO-ONe has ever had a ONS? fuck. that makes me the only slut around here. i am ashamed.

Maria Reus
Thank you sir/madam. i am sorry your first introduction to my blog was discussing rude things. i am usually much less rude.

Fuck i know. Why don't they just fuck off home before we have woken up? Boys suck....

ah, as always you are the worldly one. i am amazed you attempt conversation though. i find it hard to talk between vomit heaves.

Yes yes Mr Practical. you lie down why don't you. after all, mascara can only go south....

jungle jane said...

Drama Queen
No. me neither. this is all TOTALLY heresay. sex? ewwwwwwwww.....

u no i think they are horrid. all that panting and heaving and forgetting whose name to call out. they are wayyyy to political for an innocent like me....

Are you confusing sex with sailing? i don't blame you. who needs yachts when you are feeling drunk and horny, eh?

yes i agree. no small talk, no cuddling and no-one cares if you piss in the bed. you are my kinda dude badger. you are.

well ja. my blog is educational. full of sensible ideas. someone has to do it, right?

jungle jane said...

nononono - 'love' is what happens when you sink your teeth into a nice cheeseburger! or is that lust? fuck its all so confusing

sex al freso is something very close to my heart! i believe in nature and saving the earth and getting laid over someone else's trash can. i think the streets need more used-condom-art! and even better still if your friends photograph it and circulate on of those amusing "Priceless" photos the next day.

you should always fist your one night stands. that way they circulate the rumour the next day that you have a totally MASSIVE knob and no-one has to lie in the wet patch!

my friend is a slu!. no shame! i think she should start a blog!

well no, you can't get pregnant either. seriously. it is totally fine to fuck at least 3 times before you have to worry about such things.

I've sent out the wedding invitations. your mum wants to know if its okay if she wears her red flowery dress? i am so excited Mutley! i can't wait to make you my wife!

too late! he's marrying me! it's all soooooo romantic!

yes, they do in fairy tales. i am sure some folk even do it three times, although they would need to be very drunk.

Ohhhh....you also fucked the Holy Spririt? was it any good?

barman said...

Damn, I have to try me one of those one nighters. And the Ron Jeremy moves too. Of course I am not a hedge hog like him so they just might not work. Oh wait, we would both be drunk! Problem solved.

So only having sex once and you can not get pregnant and no one gets a disease. Why take chances anymore? I am taking lots of notes so I can become a Leisure Suit Larry and go for all the wild and crazy ladies and have one night stands. Hey JJ, what are you doing Tuesday???

Oh and JJ, is it OK to have a picture of your left tit in my fridge? Or was that your right one? I forget which one you were auctioning off before eBay lost its sense of humor.

I love your writing and I learn so much from you every time I visit your digs here.

zen wizard said...

The back-slapping occurs after the guy friend's mandatory six-month bereavement period.

Then, a graphic play-by-play of her fellatio technique can--and perhaps SHOULD--occur. The commentary should be spiced up and fictionalized, if necessary, to include the requisite nut-licking and self-dick slapping she allegedly "executed" if necessary to spice up the story. If she managed to inhale 3+-inches of shaft, she (of course) "throated" you. (Actually, if you have a three-inch dick, that last part would be true...)

A little one-upmanship is expected, and can often be theraputic. E.g., "The only thing I didn't like was she didn't swallow.

"Huh--that's funny. She must have added that to her repertoire when she blew ME...." Etc.


"Women are 'not allowed' to date their girlfriend's ex."

Don't you see the inherent fallacy in logic in that phrase?

The more you tell a woman how much she is "not allowed" to do something, the more she wants to do it.

That's why serial killers get love letters in prison!

In fact, one good technique for picking up women is telling them they are "not allowed" to shag you.

I am very tempted to perform a simple psychological experiment here, and tell you that you are "not allowed" to fly to the United States and give me a hummer. But that would just not be right. Beware that ploy, however, coming from males of less resilient moral fiber.

Toby said...

A booty call is the local term, I live in the midwest. Nothing wrong with them at all. The problem I have is getting rid of them.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Honestly, I've had more one niters than I can count. I'm a slut of the highest caliber and don't regret any. Of course, I started this sex thing back in 1972. Love was free then, wasn't it? I would do it all again. I think I've lived.

Badger said...

JJ check this one out.

I see you and me starting a scatalicious relationship.

SpanishGoth said...

I can lie down if you say the magic words....

but in French (cuter)


Ashlee said...

Hilarious... I love your blog, I only just stumbled upon it... in the non drunken sense.

BEAST said...

JJ and Mutley may I be the first to congratulate you, can i be a page boy , can i??? can i?????.

I want to wear a kilt(so I can flash my arse in comedy fashion during the service).

Ms Robinson said...

Ms R feels that the ability of a man to remember the number of his cab firm and to know when Ms R requires him to leave is a highly desirable characteristic in a one night stand.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Jane- My one stands are often fuelled by other excesses than drink.
This means that conversations are inevitable.
But do you know, what I always fall for this trick-
HER; Have you heard my ringtone.
ME; No. (Why would I have).
HER; You must hear it, it's cool. Ring it from your phone.
ME; I don't know your number.
HER: give me your phone.

She then rings her phone from mine, I then realise she now has my number on her miscalls.
I have fallen for this trick more than once.

tony said...

Me?Yes.Thin?yes,it's all the running away i do.Legs (&bowels&noses)run in my family.

Anonymous said...

I love one nighters, you dont have to fuck about with birthdays, or christmas, meet boring family, and stupid wanky friends, I am always up for a one nighter, xx

Anonymous said...

OK JJ! I have got my yest results back and it is all NEGATIVE!! I am up for it where shall we meet?

matty said...

You're back!

Yeah, well, I used to have loads of 1 night stands -- it used to help with my self esteem.

So, holding my head up high was never a problem.

...unless I was in certain situational poses required at certain moments.

Gledwood said...

Am I unusual in that I can forget who I've "done" it with?
Someone implied to me "well it can't have been all that" ... which is crap. It is just that sometimes one does not wish to remember things all the time. And so one does not... Just a personal reaction here.
Hey you're in my new blog "roll" - congratulations.
Sorry i've not been in touch i've been in chaos lately

hope all's ok with you


Jenny! said...

You can have Mutley...I will marry his dog!

SpanishGoth said...

"mascara can only go south.... "

Prefer it when lipstick goes south, but that's just a personal thing.

I'm shit with make up

zen wizard said...

I forgot to mention--if a woman is so hot that you will betray a friend to shag her, she is ALSO so hot that you will mess it up.

And then you can go back to being buds. In fact, your mutual hatred of the woman who dumped YOU BOTH will make your friendship even stronger.

So there IS a happy ending...

Captain Smack said...

In my social circle, everybody ends up banging everybody. I once made a circle of names, everyone I hung out with, and then started drawing lines connecting everyone who'd shagged. By the time I was done, it looked like bowl of spaghetti.

ChickyBabe said...

Do you have a one night stand standing up?

EBEZP said...

Thanks for your concern on mine JJ I'm back on all 3. Thanks again!

rexy said...

Creepy signs that this one night stand might not be worth it?

Somebody I know through a message board told of a date that he was thinking might turn out as horizontal jogging back at her apartment.

But he got really spooked when he went to get ice from the freezer for their fresh drinks and discovered the body of a frozen cat in there.