09 July 2007

Dating

Cats and astrology are girl-things that blokes just simply don’t get. It stresses them out.

If you are single and would rather not be I can advise you that your maximum cattage is strictly limited to two beasts. More than two cats and you start to freak blokes out. Remember ladies: men might say they love cats when they are trying to remove your knickers, but when women aren't looking men kick cats. Most men cannot tell a cat apart from a squirrel with terribly long legs.

The rules for single women and dog ownership are slightly more complex. Anything that stands taller than your knees is fine – you may have up to 3 of these dogs. You will get a date. Anything smaller than that – for example a Pekinese – should not be owned at all. Men don’t want to be seen with a handbag-dog and cannot bond with a pet that would like nothing better than to run around in circles and consume its own tail. You will NEVER hear a man declare “Man I am hating on Labradors…dozy yappers should all be gassed”.

Rodents should also be avoided. Very few eligible men are actively looking for a girlfriend who owns a rat. Men will chase a women they don’t intend marrying for the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. They will of course be quite happy to sleep with you occasionally. Pack a toothbrush though – it’s not going to happen in your house.

Rabbits are slightly higher on the hierarchical ladder of pets than rats, lizards or guinea pigs. Nonetheless all men hate rabbits unless they are slow roasted and served with a nice glass of red.

Pet rules apply to men too – if you are male and have your own personal cat (one that you actively acquired yourself rather than inherited from mum, your sister or your ex) you should keep this quiet until your third date. Most women believe that men with cats prefer dating other men with cats.

Perversely, you are far better off as a single (and looking) male to purchase a small dog. Look upon it as your little dating aid. Women find it ‘sensitive’. Men who own pitbulls tend to portray an undercurrent of "my dog can kick your dog’s arse".

Unfortunately for cupid however men prefer animals who can be active with them - small dogs are not manly, and therefore they are to be scorned. A large dog is seen as a noble companion that can be trained to hunt food, defend your car and bite the crotch of the postman.

The battle of the sexes, eh? No wonder we all wake up alone on a Sunday morning…

75 comments:

garfer said...

I am a ferret fancier and also have a bit of a thing for marmosets.

Welcome back JJ. I thought you'd upped and died. This would have been most unfortunate, us having just met and all.

it's the little things... said...

I hopped over here from Whine Guide's place. As a single woman with a lot of male friends, I can attest to you being spot on about the cat thing.
Most of my male friends make horrendous comments about 'women with cats'. If she's got three...forget about it.
Now we have a rat and a guinea pig. And yes, I see the looks on date's faces when they see the Pig. They just don't get it.
Oh well.

zen wizard said...

Men should not have a cat, unless it is accompanied by a monacle, a shaved head, a Nehru jacket, and an evil plan to take over the world.

In that case, men should also have a shark tank to lower James Bond into.

Men can also get away with a cat if they are over 50 and head of an organized crime family--and are prepared to grant any favor on this, the day of their daughter's wedding.

If a woman has a dog small enough for her to carry, unless she has a big trust fund, steer clear. You will constantly be bailing her out of jail and her flake-a-zoid friends will always be over glomming your shit.

You will wake every morning to the sound of ersatz reggae jarring you from your brief respite from her on an impossibly powerful stereo.

The one time the woman with a small dog has sex with you in a year, she will give you herpes.

Like I said, if she stands to inherit--say, a major hotel chain--this might be worth it. But otherwise, avoid the small yappy dog type at all costs!

jungle jane said...

Garfer
Oh dear, i haven't categorised marmosets. Do you think its okay for a single girl to own these wriggly beasts? how many is too many? Say...10?

it's the little things
Welcome! I am far cleaner than Fingers.

I'm afraid the cat thing is true. Mine like to have t-shirts featuring deads cats too. Men also never wish to castrate their large butch dogs but don't give a toss about a male cat being neutered.

Boys are weird.

Zen
You are very much an expert in these things it seems, Zen. I am certain however that James Bond owns a cat or two. He has 'cat lover' written all over him, what with that awfully neat hairdo and achingly well pressed suit.

Lay-dees with purse dogs are a different matter. They are fine to have 'relations' with (hotel or not) but never take them home to mother. Unless of course your mother like girls who snort coke and drive pissed.

Mind you - if your mum liked those types of girls you would probably be taking me home to meet her

~d said...

I (grew up) a dog person. I became a cat person when I met th. We moved in together and we needed a third. Little black kitty. THEN little black kitty needed a friend b/c th and I worked so damn much. So here I am 11 plus years later two cats, two things and one th.
(I am ready for a all American mutt-dog

First Nations said...

this is the definitive last word on pet ownership for singles. although i onced owned a cat who would raid the trash and bring me other peoples old baked potatoes and such (true fact) which saved me a chunk of change at the supermarket (total lie, i always shoplifted)

~d said...

first kitty

Bugwit said...

So what does woman do if she supects that her prospective mate has been pretending to like cats in order to get a peek at her kitty? How does she get the true story? Is there a way to test a man's sincerity where cats are concerned?

BEAST said...

The only pussy i want to see shouldn't be climbing the curtains.
Frobisher has a cat , but its alowable as Mr C found it in a car park when he was out dogging....so that makes it cool!!!!

tony said...

Welcome Back! I read your post & immediately ran & hid under the table , barked a little & wagged my tail!

Gorilla Bananas said...

I once kept a woman as a pet when I was in the circus. I had to give her up when she took up kick-boxing and kept on challenging me to bouts. I gave her to the acrobats.

EBEZP said...

Cupid's little arrows and pets hey?
I love all animals dogs, cats and women and Def Leppard

Badger said...

But, I love pussy. Wet and Wild.

Erin O'Brien said...

I am too terrified of Badger's avatar to comment.

Erin O'Brien said...

This is my pet. Effer thinks he's a ladybug.

Anonymous said...

I have some "gerbils" I keep them for erotic purposes... I am launching a special blog competition with great prizes.. BLOG SMUT AWARDS!!

RAFFI said...

my monkey can use both hands and feet... he's in a class all his own for sex toys.

Airam said...

Hi there!

This is my first visit here ... I have to say I'm totally digging your layout!!

And you coming up with these animal analogies are really interesting!!

~Babsbitchin~ said...

I'll be back to read but I had to stop by and do a bong hit with ya. Glad you're back. Have you been bad? Did anyone die in the meantime?

ARM said...

Are you back? I've missed you. Which is weird since you are totally twisted. But I've missed you all the same.

Ok, I must go read what you actually wrote now.

ARM said...

Once again, your logic is astounding. Love it, Jane!

fingers said...

It's true, JJ.
I even kick my own cats when the chicks aren't looking. I've only had them six weeks and I just can't stop kicking them; even if they haven't just done something bad I still kick them for all the stuff I know they've done that I haven't caught them doing.
It's a nice distraction from all the sex I won't be getting for the next 15 years I have them...

brookem said...

i love your pet rules. very good list.

Jenny! said...

I agree with beast that pussy should not be climbing the curtains, if it starts doing that it needs to be shot!

Old Knudsen said...

I didn't bother going to look at the last picture Sister bridget had up, I hope it was good.

Captain Smack said...

I prefer cats, never understood why guys preferred dogs. It seems like a guy who likes girls would want to have something more feminine around instead of some big smelly dog. I also don't care for football, guys think that it's very masculine to sit for two hours staring at a bunch of large, muscular men run around in tight pants, patting each other on the butt, putting there hands between each others' legs and jumping on top of each other in big sweaty piles of man flesh, yeah, that's not gay at all.

Die Muräne said...

I must admit, I'm pretty impressed! you're perfectly right on this.

jungle jane said...

Tildy
Oh my word I would so love am all American Mutt dog just like that! You can have as many of these as you want though tildy – you are after all married and therefore its okay to be seen to be as crazy as you want. Promise.

FN
Ohhhhh I want a baked potato cat that forages for baked potato SO bad. Mine comes in with dead mice which is really not going to help me get laid. The only thing that seems to work is if the cat if dead. Then men seem to become aroused rather quickly.

Tildy
Heck if that won’t get you laid nothing will. Did you notice that if you scroll over it, it enlarges.

Bug
Easy. She jumps his bones, milks his lizard, steals his wallet and then dumps him. The cat moves back into her bed and she starts stalking someone new. It’s called “the law of the jungle”

beastie
I would like to see Frobie’s cat climbing a pair of meat curtains. Just for the sake of art yanno. Since when did Mr C turn out to be so girly and cute – as a dog owner I would have thought that any kitten he found would immediately become their dinner?? Mr C is a softie! Mr C is a softie!

jungle jane said...

GB
GB my lovely you must stop walking about referring to your wife as a ‘pet’. Human woman don’t like that and usually take up violent sport to keep you in place. And snapping the ringpull of a coke can as an engagement ring probably pissed her off too. Human women like diamonds, GB

Ebezp
I notice that you sent me to a you tube site with NO DEF LEPPARD!! Now firstly I loathe YouTube, you naughty boy – but I was prepared to go to the You Tube site because the drummer has one arm and I think that’s quite cute. Naughty naughty ebezp!!

Badger
HAHAHAHA I LOVE your picture – Erin’s just pretending. She has a snail for a pet anyhow. I’m seeing if she’ll consider letting me stir fry it in a bit of garlic. If she says yes. I’ll invite you over, yeah??

Erin
Your pet looks delicious! Seriously! I wish I had known previously when I did my series on ‘how to eat your pet’. Does he know any tricks? I bet it would take AGES to play a game of fetch with him/her??

Mutley
I no not of this ‘smut’ thing you talk. I am very keen to hear more about your gerbils though. I hear they are fabulous when shaved and popped up the ass during bumsex??

Bugwit said...

Wow, that doesn't sound like a sincerity test so much as a sort of black widow scam. It appears that you couldn't care less whether a man likes your cats or not. Sounds like you are just in it for the cash and lizard milk.

jungle jane said...

Raffi
And what’s his tongues and tail doing? Sounds like a lazy lazy monkey to me. I didn’t put any monkeys/gorillas/apes on my pet list – I didn’t want to offend Gorilla Bananas – so I haven’t thought through how many is too many. Tell me Raffi – please. If I run out and buy 7 monkeys…do you think that will turn men off??

Airam
Hey welcome! I am very precious with my layout – nothing clutters it at all:-D The animal thing is quite strange – it seems I now need to expands my list to include marmsets, gerbils and monkeys…

Babs
Wooohooo hello!! Nobody died but it does seem as though someone went mad. It’s a shame really – I previously thought he was quite funny.

arm
Its amazing how much masturbating one can do when not blogging, eh?? Mind you – if I had less cats I would have a boyfriends and wouldn’t have to masturbated at all, thereby freeing up wayyyyyy more time for blogging/.

Fingers
Just to be punished your cats are going to be the type that live forever. You are going to end up with a toothless, mangy olllllld cat that smells like your granny and refuses to die of natural causes. It will sleep on your bed and follow you about your house when you are masturbating. Dude. You are screwed. ]

Erin O'Brien said...

Mom!

Jane ate my pet!

Tickersoid said...

Paris with handbag dog...Uggghhhh. Quasimodo in a frock has more chance of ringing my bell.

fingers said...

Who moves around the house when they're tossing off...

jungle jane said...

Brookem
Welcome too! My pet list is indeed sturdy, however i think i need to brush up a bit more - its clearly not working as i am not married to some rich dude. my next post may be about which pet to own if you want to find a millionair


Jenny!
We have agreed with Beastie that its okay as long as they are meat curtains. Beastie also volunteered to get nekkid and allow the cat to run up and down his bare legs.

Old Knudsen
I understand very little of your ramblings these days and this comment was no exception. I assume it is either something insulting, defamatory or untrue to match the rest of the nonsensical spew that you have been emailing about me and several other well respected bloggers in recent times.

I can only assume that you genuinely have lost the plot entirely. Whatever your problem, you are not welcome here.

Smack
Fuck, i can totally see that Jesus might have been a cat person too. I am not sure about Elvis - could you check and get back to me? You should get into watching cricket, Smack. I know you are american and all, but trust me - its the type of sport a cat person would love. It takes forever to play, you don't have to exert yourself and they wear baggy clothing. How about you, me Elvis and Jesus make it a 'foursome' and go down and watch a game?

jungle jane said...

Die Murane
Yes you know me. Always factual, always correct. Do you kick many cats when you girlfriends aren't looking Die Murane? How about snails? Do you step on them? Just checking - for research purposes, like...

Bug
Um i take credit cards too. I would be happy if he had a pocket full of cash but seriously - i can use his cards over the internet and stuff too. I have a composter in my back yard to dispose of his body and will donate his clothes to charity. You should come visit me sometime Bug. It will be heaps of fun yanno.

Erin
NONONONONO i can explain! It wasn't me! It was Badger's avatar! seriously - you saw the teeth on that thing. i was taking him for a walk - honest...

Tickers
Woah. Wait up. How about Quasimodo with a handbag dog? Does that stir your loins any?

fingers
Fuck. really? So its just me then? okay now you are freaking me out. Are you telling me you ONLY jerk off in the kitchen??

SpanishGoth said...

Goths like cats - but only black ones, and they have to have proper tails - the sort that can form a question mark when it's puzzled.

Cat woman was also rather nice but I think that may just have been the leather talking...

~d said...

Jane, it is a shame that after (so) many years...I did not KNOW if I rolled over it...it would enlarge! I believed you, however I had to test it! And You Are RIGHT! It DOES enlarge...(smile)
NSFW

Midnight said...

I'm fortunate that I got custody of my two moggies when I split with my ex. Women seem to think a man who has cats is rare and indicates that they are loving, affectionate and they find it sweet. They have certainly helped me to get into several girls knickers, including a particularly nice air hostess, who fell in love with my pussies (but ultimately prefered stroking them to me).

Mine are also very useful when trying to put a girl off. They have a sixth sense and bring presents or become very possessive if an undesirable gets too close.

waygon112 said...

I love Pussy

Bugwit said...

I would love to come and visit you. Before I do, you should know that the operator of the Bugwit Mart has no more than $50 cash and does not know the combination to the safe.

Man, what should I do? I can get my lizard milked and likely get composted afterwards, or I can stay home and play video games with a full lizard.

Decisions, decisions!

EBEZP said...

SORRY!
I'll know for next time I want to be naughty with you!

RAFFI said...

i think an even number is more healthy... 8 monkies should suffice. and his tail and tongue are used for activities which i choose not to disclose on your wicked blog site

~Babsbitchin~ said...

Who, what, where, when and how? Email me, if you feel like letting loose.

mzbabsmre1@verizon.net

Anonymous said...

You well know I have 47 cats Jane so I'll take this as a hint as to why I can't get laid.

FREE TO GOOD HOME: 47 Cats... wait, 55 Cats

fingers said...

It's just all so difficult grasping those doorknobs with peanut-butter and vaseline on your hands.
Easier just to stay in one place.
BTW, I was thrilled with Zen Wizard's idea about the monocle, shaved head and Nehru jacket. I just wish I was more evil...

josh williams said...

When I gave up ferret legging as a profession, I purchased a beagle and have been happy ever since.

morbid misanthrope said...

I hate all animals and enjoy stepping on and kicking them whenever I get the chance. A large dog, however, can be useful. If you happen to kill your neighbors with a car battery tied to a rope, you can cut them up, feed them to your dog, kill the dog, and then eat the dog yourself. Bam! No more evidence. And you get to kill a dog while you're at it.

jungle jane said...

spanish goth
Yeah i have 2 rock chick cats (alive) and one black cat (dead and stuffed). I keep the dead stuffed cat on my desk at work. It horrifies most people but pleases me. Referring to my last post before this, i suspect it is the reason why i have never pulled anyone at work. My dead cat freaks them out.

Tildy
Tildy many things will enlarge if you roll over them enough. Unfortuntately your bank balance is not one of these things. i have not been able to watch the youporn link yet - although you are the second person who has shared with me the charms of youporn in one week. ever since that i have been obsessed with sex on trains...

Midnight
Hey long time no see! See - this is precisely what i mean - it is rare for straight boys (other than goths) to go out and buy their own personal cats. they are ALWAYS inherited. I am very glad you didn't waste your cats though and i suggest you buy a whole bunch of mice which you keep in a fishtank and dispense to your cats whenever you want to get rid of a woman. Nice work, Midnight...

Waygon
Huh. That totally blows your cover as a tough old boxer dog. Shees - what would the Head of Dogs say if he heard that comment, eh??

Bug
Oh stop being such a pussy and do the visit - surely its worth dying young just for the milking? take some chances in your life dude. Fuck - you are starting to sound like an insurance salesman or something. Listen up dude - your life is the thing going by while you are sitting about gazing at Cactus. Oooops...i said Cactus....

jungle jane said...

Ebezp
Yoooohoooo! Ebezp! i have your arm here! you don't mind if I get it stuffed and use it as a twat scratcher do you hun? Think of all that money you will save on sleeves in future yeah??

Raffi
Oh my lordy me if you can't mention the tail and tongue i can only imagine how rude 8 tails and tongues could get. Of course i could never speak of such filth on a fine weblog as this. Young people could be reading, and that would be just wrong.

Babs
I should really do the daring and then tell you about it right? Or maybe i will just email you anyhow because you are a hoot...:-)

Sausage
Um you know that cute litter of 6 kittie-witties i sent you for your birthday? Shucks, sausage. They weren't actually kitties - they were warthogs. i just pretended they were kitties for a joke. i thought you would be too stoned to notice. i am sorry they preventing you getting laid - you should maybe wash the 'Sausage has a large muff' slogan i painted on them???

ChickyBabe said...

Hmm... So if you keep no pets, who do you wake up with?

jungle jane said...

Fingers:
Maybe if you stopped walking about with one finger in the peantut butter jar you would have more time to adjust your monacle after you just got laid. There is logic in there fingers. There is.
Josh:
Ohhhh i remember your ferret tale very well. You were able to endure the beast hopping around in your pants very long periods of time if i recall. You are a ferret champion Josh, even if it means you can never have sex.

Morbid:
What about dolphins? i betchya love little cutie-wuties baby dolphins??? ehhhh? I just don't know how you could get rid of your neighbours using a dolphin? Perhaps you could substitute the dolphin for a tuna fish? at least by the time you at the tuna fish the whole thing would be quite a tasty exericise? eh?

chickybabe:
Oh you get laid heaps then. Its only if you have animals that you have to stragise them carefully.

Lord Milky said...

Your blog is so rank, when I look at it from 'work', nothing shows except for a blank screen and a comments link at the end of each gap.

That is an achievement to applaud.

BEAST said...

how does a budgie stand in the fanny magnet stakes????

wallycrawler said...

It's always good to see if a gal likes small animals , like gerbils or rats .

Then we could experiment with "Gerbaling" . Cause I'm a great Gerbil Chaser !

J.J. do you like play'n gerbil hide'n with any of your dates ?

Jenny! said...

Meat curtains on Beasts legs??? That sounds delightful...I could get him a loose meat sandwich to go with it!

waygon112 said...

Jane, I AM the Head of the Dogs!!!!

Bugwit said...

Wow, Jungle Jane called me out in public! Called me a pussy and dared me to die!

Well, JJ, I can only say that yes, a short, happy and well-milked life sounds much better than a long, boring, frustrated life as an insurance salesman.

So, I accept your challenge. If you come home from work to find your cats missing and a strange man in you bed, get ready to hear the joys of our new Platinum Coverage Package!

Then get your milk pail.

Anonymous said...

I have verrucas.. do they count as pets?

Hal said...

You're right about cats, JJ. Any more than two for a woman risks the perception of being a crazy cat lady.

As for dudes, any number of cats risks the perception of being gay.

Perception = reality.

Hal said...

One exception to the above post is Don Vito Corleone.

Unless you want to be the one to tell him that having a cat makes him look gay.

Mongrel Porksword said...

I only want the kind of pussy that doesn't go "meow."

zen wizard said...

I guess you should really be suspicious of a guy who has Meow Mix, kitty litter, catnip, and a cat chew toy in his apartment--but no cat.

Especially if he manages a Korean restaurant.

fingers said...

This makes more sense than that...

"In the nuts (unground) (other than ground-nuts) order, the expression `nuts' shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground-nuts, as would, but for this amending order, not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground-nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."

BEAST said...

Despite Jungle Janes defamitory remarks , I have never jumped around in Josh's pants . I did steal a few pairs from his washing line , but hell everyones got to have a hobby

jungle jane said...

Milky
Look dear, i hate to have to give you a biology lesson but milk goes rank, not blogs. i only assume - because your real true name is Milky - that you must be the one that is rank and therefore fucking up my blog.

That wasn't just a lesson in biology Milky dear - it was also a quick insight into the way a woman't mind works. Scary, huh??

beastie
okay i have to be honest, i've never been turned on by a man with a budgie unless he's prepared to let the bird stand on his erect knob for 35 minutes flat. That is arousing, esepcially if the budgie manages to poop.

What other fantasies do you want to explore beastie? that one was quite a turn on.

Wally
The only interesting game i know of involving a gerbil is known as 'felching'. this is the act of shaving the rodent and inserting it into one's bottom. i do not advise you to light a match and peer down should the rat become lost.

Do let me know if you want anymore homosexual fantasies explored Wally. I am on a roll with this shit today.


Jenny!
Oh lordy me Jenny. Yes it does. Look - you get the sandwhich and i will get him drunk. you can provide the meat curtains too if you like? pink ones would be best. i will be back in a second - just got to run out and get the video camera....

jungle jane said...

Wayne
Well wayne perhaps you can answer the old riddle "Who let the dogs out"? and once they were out, what did they get up to? and how comes they always want to buy ME drinks at the pub??


Bug
I have warned the cats and dusted off my handcuffs. The lizards are not so happy though - they are hoping you will bring your own milk. If so, do i carry on calling you a pussy or should i now be calling you a lizard? it's all so confusing...

Mutley
Oh lordy me, you do have the gift of charm mutley. Your veruccas sound like wonderful pets and companions. can they do any tricks? ohhh wait til Jenny sees this - she will lust you yet more still.

Hal
Remind me again - what if a bloke has 6 cats? Does that make him a crazy gay cat man? or just gay? or just crazy?

Porkie
Perhaps we can get you a cat with a tracheotomy then? it will just grunt and squeak instead?

jungle jane said...

Zen
He could have an imaginery cat? an imaginary Korean cat? mind you - if this were the case, i suspect he would have an imaginery girlfriend too. that would be useful - she could be his perfect size, not eat much and fulfil ALL his sexual desires.

ps.: you must be a dog person. Cats don't have chew toys.

fingers
ARe you offering me your nuts? Do you want me to step on them in my stilletoes? i am happy to help, fingers. you just give me the nod...

beastie
oh oh. those weren't josh's pants. They belonged to the ferret. no wonder you were jumping around like that.

Oh and beastie? Jenny's got some curtains for you...

Lord Milky said...

I don't know whether to be scared or not! If that truly is how a woman's mind works, Lady Milky will get a solid whipping when I get in. She's been giving me biology lessons too.

BEAST said...

JJ , one has to tailor ones fantasies to one audience .
I can make Jenny's knicker elastic twang with the thought of a Beast, nekkid (except for a pair of hygenic rubber gloves) clutching a bottle of bleach and a toilet brush , asking if I can possibly clean madam's lavatory.

Food fantasies dont do it for me , I cant understand this mixing of pleasures , sex first then a slap up meal as far as the beast is concerned.
I am a man of simple tastes , I am however happy enough to feature in other peoples fantasies

DirtyBitchSociety said...

I've not been called a hoot, maybe a slut, ho bag, whore, Rug Doctor,cunt, clit lapper, butch bitch, dyke on a bike, tool belt wearin hard-on bitch, good for nothing assmunch swipe, meat curtain muncher, doggie style doin, bama lipped bitch but never a hoot, hahaha!

DirtyBitchSociety said...

PS, btw, I can't fucking wait. My mind is racing and I may spontaneously combust.You have to promise to tell, when all is said and done, ok? You already have me over a barrel, yes do my like the dirty whore I am, so you know I won't tell.

Bugwit said...

Call me what you like, so long as I am cuffed to your bed. Just keep the cats away. You seem just the type to treat a bound man to a cat's ass facial.

The lizards have nothing to worry about. I'll bring plenty of my own milk.

Jenny! said...

Beast said: "I can make Jenny's knicker elastic twang with the thought of a Beast, nekkid (except for a pair of hygenic rubber gloves) clutching a bottle of bleach and a toilet brush , asking if I can possibly clean madam's lavatory."

I love the smell of bleach Beast, that mixed with you naked...true perfection!

barman said...

I think men should have a rather large dog. I am so sure the ladies love it when the dog sticks it snoot up her lady parts or checks out her backside.