09 July 2007

Dating

Cats and astrology are girl-things that blokes just simply don’t get. It stresses them out.

If you are single and would rather not be I can advise you that your maximum cattage is strictly limited to two beasts. More than two cats and you start to freak blokes out. Remember ladies: men might say they love cats when they are trying to remove your knickers, but when women aren't looking men kick cats. Most men cannot tell a cat apart from a squirrel with terribly long legs.

The rules for single women and dog ownership are slightly more complex. Anything that stands taller than your knees is fine – you may have up to 3 of these dogs. You will get a date. Anything smaller than that – for example a Pekinese – should not be owned at all. Men don’t want to be seen with a handbag-dog and cannot bond with a pet that would like nothing better than to run around in circles and consume its own tail. You will NEVER hear a man declare “Man I am hating on Labradors…dozy yappers should all be gassed”.

Rodents should also be avoided. Very few eligible men are actively looking for a girlfriend who owns a rat. Men will chase a women they don’t intend marrying for the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. They will of course be quite happy to sleep with you occasionally. Pack a toothbrush though – it’s not going to happen in your house.

Rabbits are slightly higher on the hierarchical ladder of pets than rats, lizards or guinea pigs. Nonetheless all men hate rabbits unless they are slow roasted and served with a nice glass of red.

Pet rules apply to men too – if you are male and have your own personal cat (one that you actively acquired yourself rather than inherited from mum, your sister or your ex) you should keep this quiet until your third date. Most women believe that men with cats prefer dating other men with cats.

Perversely, you are far better off as a single (and looking) male to purchase a small dog. Look upon it as your little dating aid. Women find it ‘sensitive’. Men who own pitbulls tend to portray an undercurrent of "my dog can kick your dog’s arse".

Unfortunately for cupid however men prefer animals who can be active with them - small dogs are not manly, and therefore they are to be scorned. A large dog is seen as a noble companion that can be trained to hunt food, defend your car and bite the crotch of the postman.

The battle of the sexes, eh? No wonder we all wake up alone on a Sunday morning…
posted by jungle jane @ 7:08 pm |

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