28 June 2007

Screwing the crew

Having a relationship with someone you work with is as pointless as blowing the devil to ensure you get a place in heaven. Whilst the workplace may seem like a dating agency that pays you to use it, work dalliances can be disastrous for career girls even if you follow the casting couch rule of only ever shagging upwards.

Although romance in the workplace usually either ends in a marriage or a lawsuit when an office affair becomes a problem, it’s usually the woman who falls on the career sword. It is for this reason that your romance should be conducted by stealth.

Dipping your pen in the company ink is hardly surprising – most companies hire people with similar social outlooks and levels of education. Getting to know your colleagues is more natural than in a social context - unlike bars and nightclubs most people are usually sober at work. This obviously does not apply to the porn industry.

The type of job you do often dictates whether or not you are likely to mix emotions and hormones within the office cubicle – one would imagine that many people aspire to work in Corporate Affairs just because the name of the department alone implies sex. You are less likely to hook up with anyone working In IT – these folk have long since forgotten how to interact with living creatures.

As a women there is a limit to how many office affairs you can have without being labelled as a saddle, whilst men of course can work their way through the entire office (nothing gay though) and still get their ass promoted regularly. Try to limit yourself to no more than one fling and one long term relationship.

Your office is the place where you make the magic buttons that pay the bills and romancing in the workplace is like playing with a lighter in a sea of gasoline. Use common sense – don’t do it on the photocopier for example. Not even in an ironic way. Realise that your boss is unlikely to be happy for you either (unless your boss is your new bedbuddy). Even if you are not distracted they will assume that you are and they will watch you more closely for lengthy visits to the stationery cupboard.

The bottom line is that cupid makes you stupid and you want to think very carefully before you mix your spreadsheets with your bedsheets. Consider the breakup – Do you really like all of your exes enough that you wouldn’t mind working with them on a daily basis? Thought not…


Mone said...

Wise words JJ, wise words. Unfortunately most women don't treat an affair in a distant way and get emotionally envolved, which is the beginning of the end to the affair as to the career options.

Mone said...

Hia, I cant believe I was first :)

Mone said...

ps: I assume your co-worker has bunny ears??? I'll get my gun, no questions asked!

tony said...

On The Bright Side, It might make Monday Mornings something to look forward too!

garfer said...

Self employment is miles better.

You get to view porn without your boss finding out, and you can indulge in all manner of afternoon dalliances without your partner finding out.

Unfortunately you can also end up bankrupt.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

There is truth here.

I once got called on and was basically told to stop shagging other staff- get this- otherwise THEY would be sacked.

I was told there a company non-fraternisation policy and I was bringing it into disrepute. Next person I shagged that they found out about, would be sacked.
It was up to me.

What a guilt trip!

They still went bust.

Tickersoid said...

It's even more difficult in a male dominated industry.

On the upside, we do have showers on site.

jungle jane said...

This is why i never root anyone from work. Actually the real reason i don't is because I work for myself. I do masturbate a lot however. Perhaps its the same thing??

It's my neighbour we want blasted Mone. Bring loads of bullets. And wine. Thank you.

Until you break up of course. Then Mondays would double suck.

I agree about self employment. You can spend the whole day masturbating and you can't get sacked for it. Not only can this cause bankrupcy, but i believe it can also make you go blind.

Holy smoke what a strange company! There was no incentive for you to stop rooting your colleagues at all! who cares if they got sacked - it means they would have had to hire replacements - yet more people to poke.

I guess a lot of soap gets dropped at your work then??

Ms Robinson said...

Of course JJ this leads us into that stickiest of places: the flirtatious email where Ms R cannot help thinking of that young lady at the law firm who wrote and told her boyfriend that she enjoyed sucking his cum. Then we all heard.

Being a woman of deep philosophical inclinations, I feel you have something to offer here.

Mone said...

Oh the neighbour, soso, well that wont be a problem at all. The wine is in the trunk together with a few goodies out of my garden, we'll have a good time getting those bullets into his arse.

PS: Masturbating is healthy!

Gorilla Bananas said...

"romance should be conducted by stealth"

As should most things, of course. Nice to see some jungle cunning here, JJ. That'll show all those ignorant people who only come here for poo, penis and pussy.

josh williams said...

I it wrong to hire a nanny if you do not have children?

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

"....pointless as blowing the devil to ensure you get a place in heaven....."

Oh well, I'm fucked then.

One should never dip one's pen in the company ink.

Gledwood said...

Don't some companies make it against the rules to have relationships with other members of staff. I think it stinks when employers meddle in staff's personal life.

Jane what has happened to your face? Have you turned into a cartoon crack addict? You look awfully gaunt...

Just passing. Procrastingating (uh! that is an odd rendition of a familiar word... ho hum) ... yeah i'm meant to be posting my life story up part 4 how i fell into a drugs hell come and have a read it will entertain you... maybe entertain is not the right word...

ANYWAY the weekend is nigh! I gotta go & visit the pharmacy b4 it shuts

all the best


have a fantastic weekend!!

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

Nice Paul Newman eyes, girlfriend.
Mine are more like the Chairman of the Board, Mr. Sinatra's
Our issue would be quite breathtakingly attractive albeit afflicted with utter psychopathy.
But we will love them unconditionally, yes?

old knudsen said...

I fell for the First Mate on the Maid of Vaxjo, he was such a lovely fella. Arse like a palace.

Chris said...

I once had the pleasure of being the only male at a firm with 40 other women.

Yes I shagged a lot of them.

Yes I loved it.

Yes it was so bloody difficult afterwards.

That was 5 bloody good years ;)

Gledwood said...

... the weekend is nigh?
no it is not!
sorry i'm over tired!
do have a great weekend when it does come round though!!

zen wizard said...

You actually have somebody at your job who wants to shag?

Where are you working, a pony show in Tijuana??

~d said...

I think the only way effing someone you work with...is if that someone works FOR you.

jungle jane said...

Yayay! Lets make a party out of it! I knew I could rely on you for fun and murder Mone! ((huggs))

Thank you Mr Bananas. A lady should be wooed without her realizing it.

I am sure that most people come here to read my writing though. Who would be so crass as to just leer at the dirty stuff?

No, not at all Josh. Get a foreign nanny that speaks no English. It won’t look bad at all. You can buy one off eBay, in fact – just go there and type ‘sex slave’ into the search engine.

You can of course dip your pen in the company ink if you can get promoted, blackmail someone or for pure lust. This is why I recommend that you set yourself a quota. I think that one lustful dalliance and one long term relationship is fine. Just don’t root someone lower in status. Happy days.

I am reading your life story with great interest. It must be exhausting – especially writing it all in longhand first. I am greatly looking forward to installment 4! My new face is interesting – a cross between Alfred E Newman and myself. The world needs more characters such as this. I feel that the cross breeding of Alf and JJ is just perfect.

jungle jane said...

Wrong Newman – those are in face Alfred E’s characteristics. With a pointy chin. Awesome, huh?

”Old Knudsen”
Oh dear, are we still playing this prank? It was quite funny at first but really its now become a complete pain in the ass.

I don’t know why this is going on and nor do I want to – what I do know is that I far prefer your own ‘real’ character – it is a shame that one as wonderfully amusing and entertaining as yourself is using up so much energy playing copycat.

*gets off soapbox*

Oh my word. Did it not bother you that they were all discussing your sexual performance during tea breaks? You would have to be fantastic in bed to carry that one off…I am so very proud of you!!

My whole week has been a weekend! Coming over to yours to read part 4…

Oh don’t be silly Zen. My post is directed at others. You know I don’t do disgusting stuff like sex. Ewwwwwwwwww.

Oh dear, I am not sure about that one. The problem there is that they can sue for all sorts of shit and, of course, you lose your authoritiii (said in Cartman voice). No, I believe you should simply masturbate in the workplace and leave your colleagues well alone.

Ratty's Ghost said...

I'm a virgin, unemployed and unemployable. Is any of this relevant to me, can I learn from it??

Jenny! said...

As many negatives as shagging at work brings...isn't fucking on your bosses desk worth it...and then pissing in his coffee mug?

Badger said...

Jenny. Yes it is worth it.
That extra bit of salt in my coffee really hit the spot

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Yes, fortunately there was a high turnover of staff to get turned over...

Some day I should set up my own business...

Darked skinned airheads only need apply...

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

The pointy chin?
Does it insert when you alight upon the pearl on the step of another?
I've never had a job where I had coworkers who would engage in fornication. Health Care workers don't fuck!

RAFFI said...

with co-workers, as long as you only get blowjobs, it's not considered sex. however, it crosses the line once knees begin chafing.

~d said...

What if I masturbate while on stickem and I happen to be at the workplace?

Bugwit said...

Geez this sounds so familiar!
Can't place it though.

Now, you didn't say it was wrong to nail the boss's wife, so I'm assuming that's perfectly acceptable.

mutleythedog said...

Who have you been shagging JJ? Just wondered what brought on this rare bought of introspection...

fingers said...

Just how many office roots does a trout need to become a 'saddle' ??
A fighter pilot needed five kills to become an 'ace'...but historically they were all supposed to be on the same day...

Toby said...

I'm kinda hot on the girl that picks up my trash in the morning. Super hot, tight ass body, but her face makes me think she's 70 years old. Do I go for it anyway?

morbid misanthrope said...

I've always believed it foolhardy to dip your hen in the company sink--whatever that means.

Die Muräne said...

You really shouldn't encourage women to think too much about such things ;)

jungle jane said...

Ratty’s ghost
I would think that the fact that you are dead is more significant here. The only employment I can think of that would be suitable for you at present and in which you could get laid would be an ‘anal’ necrophilliac bestiality porn flick. There’s a big market for this stuff. Please let me know when you’re done filming – I will be adding this video to my Christmas wish-list.

That doesn’t sound negative at all. You might want to try pissing on your boss to keep things exciting and fresh. I can see you are on the verge of busting that glass ceiling wide open, Jenny. If I had a business in Chicago I would definitely appoint you to the board of directors.

Oh about the coffee – actually I got my cat to piss in your cup. Jenny and I planned the joke for AGES. We videoed you drinking cat piss – wanna buy the picture or are you happy to give us both promotions and a pay rise??

Okay I see a problem here. If you have your own business you are going to have to foot the bill for all those sexual harassment lawsuits. Surely it would be cheaper to hire and office full of ugly men and stick to shagging their wives instead?

jungle jane said...

The pointy chin doesn’t do much, quite honestly. Its decorative only. Chins have very little use in real life I find.

I am sure that health care workers fuck – hell if that’s not the case I am going to have to go burn my nurse’s uniform – I won’t have sexual apparel in my collection that is not authentic. I will also need to rid myself of my pap smear instruments. Fuck. I used to love playing dirty doctor.

Yes you are right – blowjobs and fisting is fine. That’s not slutty. In fact I recommend everyone engages in anal fisting with their work colleagues. The sexual tension makes it fun for everyone to go to work. No-one minds overtime either.

That’s fine too – it certainly can’t harm your promotional prospects. Just make sure you send the URL out to all your colleagues (just send a group email out) and be sure that you are displaying company paraphernalia (such as pens and coffee mugs) all around you. If you can include the paraphernalia into your routine, so much the better (see Jenny and Badger’s comments if you need some pointers)

jungle jane said...

Hmmm…I dunno – your mind must be playing tricks on you. Try spending less time looking at snatch on the internet and more time exercising your mind.

Nailing the boss’s wife is fine, unless you are the boss. In which case I should warn you that these types of relationships frequently end in divorce. Don’t do it, Bug. Unless you want a single life of endless slappers and cold lonely pizza for dinner every night.

I have been working for myself from home recently Mutley. I do masturbate alarmingly frequently however so far, no lawsuits or sackings so I must be doing something right. My post is a little test Mutley – just checking to see whether I should start writing of philosophical matters or if I should simply continue to post pics of diseased twat.

Trouts are so notoriously frigid I think that if you can ‘kick one in the back of the net’ with a trout your own status at work will skyrocket – its in the same basket as nailing the boss’s beautiful daughter. Who cares if the trout gets a reputation? Its not your career, is it?

Fighter pilots are passé – no-one roots them. The latest in-thing with the kids is suicide bombers. Keep up, will you fingers

No I think you’re good to root her. Just make sure you take her from behind. That way you avoid looking at her wrinkled, elderly face and she is still able to bend over to empty the trash. Its ‘thinking outside the square’ that gets you promoted Toby. You can add Assistant Lady Killer to your long list of titles. Trust me, Toby. It’s the right thing to do.

Are you sure the saying isn’t ‘don’t dip your hen in the company pen’? that makes a lot more sense. And you should heed that advice, Morbid. Unless of course it’s a really really sexy pen. Just make sure the hen is really hot for it – you don’t want to count your chickens before they brush their teeth, right?

Die Murane
This is a thinking girl’s blog Die Murane. A place to learn, grow and debate. A place for young people to learn from their elders. I will, however, endeavor to post some pics of vaginas from time to time. just to lighten things up you know. We can’t all be serious ALL of the time, right?

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

How do I put a section on the application form, 'Describe your Missus'?

How do I tell them to bring their wives in daily?

waygon112 said...

Thanks Jane, I work in IT!!!!

EmmaK said...

Extremely sound advice, but how many of us can say that we have not succumbed to a spot of tonsil tennis or a fumble in the stationary cupboard after one too many brandies at the Christmas party? Not me, certainly. It's simply a question of not letting anyone get any photographic evidence of the fumbling, I find.

Jenny! said...

Sweet! I love to do boards!

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

".....pap smear instruments...."

Fuck me from behind with an unwarmed and unlubed speculum, I've just had a flash back to Jeremy Irons and his twin brother.

The chin has a myriad of uses my fellatory friend. Perhaps that pleasant diversion has yet to make its way o'er the pond?

ARM said...

Good advice. Much better than the video we had to watch about this kind of stuff.

Bugwit said...

If they took down all the porn sites, the whole internet would collapse in a heap. So I'm not just looking at snatch, I'm wanking my way to healthy global economy.

Here's a puzzle for you: I was sleeping with an underling (until six or eight months ago), who was also the boss's wife. How is that possible?

That was just too complex NOT to end in divorce!

Endless slappers and pizza? Where do I sign?

EBEZP said...

Cupid is stupid wherever the little arrows gets you but at work it is dangerous beyond belief. Stealth is fine but the split isn't by stealth is it. Thats when everybody gets to hear about it.

mutleythedog said...

To be entirely frank Ms JJ _ I think you are funny and clever and I would rather hear something you have to say to make me think or make me laugh...the maggot shots made me sick and the man apparently cutting off his dick was horrible, I think you are actually quite nice. Also the poo thing....? Come on??

Diseased twats 0 JJ 10

What does anyone else think?

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

mutleythedog - my friend Vagina Dentata thinks you're a cunt.
I think you are actually quite nice though.

jungle jane said...

*slaps Vagina Dentata*

heyyyyyy...that's my cutie Mutley you are talking about....

zen wizard said...

Sex is not disgusting if you do it with someone you truly care about.

You truly care about every man in your office, or you would not be working there.

Here's a suggestion:

1) Update your resume,

2) Sell all superflous furniture for a quick departure,

3) Shag every dude at your office who could get lucky in a morgue on Saturday night.

Let us know how this works out. As you know, visual aids like photos always spice up this type of post!

Jenny! said...

Glad you are back! I missed you!

Die Muräne said...

I think it's hot, when you're so strict

ChickyBabe said...

Good advice. It's ok to fantasise about them but that is all. Even subtle flirting can be distracting. Been there... not again.

Mongrel Porksword said...

I just hump 'em and dump 'em. Works just fine for me.

Emsk said...

You're on the money here, JJ. I do feel sorry for my Japanese female colleagues though - thye're at work from dawn till dusk, literally in most cases, and there's precious little time to meet anyone except for at work. Most office affairs here tend to end in a walk down the aisle - and guess what? Wifey retires to a happy life of getting up at 6am to prepare hubby's bento boxes.

Can't wait to read your blog! Looks like a good 'un.

Mongrel Porksword said...

Oh, the memories picture #2 brings back.

farqtup said...

As a former colleague JJ, all I can say is, very very true: "Never get your pussy where you get your pay packet"