In my ongoing work-in-progress of exploring my feminininininity I have decided that sharing recipes is girly. Now here in the jungle we celebrate the baby Jeezoo’s birth just like regular folk, so figuring that I may as well kill two birds with one stone I hereby offer the world my recipe for Christmas Turkey.
JJ’s Jesus Turkey
Serves: several human beings, 3 hyenas and a cat
Preparation time: half an hour in the tree, 10 minutes skinning and stuffing. Cooking time variable.
1 large koala
1 plump turkey
Sprig of parsley to garnish
Sit your fanny firmly on a branch of a large leafy tree ensuring that the koala is within arm’s reach. Wait until the largest, plumpest of the jungle turkeys is gobbling directly under your branch and drop the koala decisively onto the part of its head that looks like a giant clitoris. Both animals will die but the koala at least will be dreaming of eucalyptus leaves, so it’s all good. Skin the koala and feed the remains to the hyenas. Then pluck the turkey feathers and set them aside to stuff inside the koala skin later – a novelty pillow is just what your mum needs for Christmas. Sever the turkeys head and lay it out in the sun so as you can turn it into a bong when it’s dried to bone.
Next you need to rip the turkey guts out, mash it into offal and shove it back up the turkey’s arse – everyone loves stuffing. Stoke up the jungle fire, chuck the turkey into the middle of it and then pour yourself a few nice pots of jungle juice. You deserve it.
I’m not exactly sure how long it takes to cook but eventually you’ll be so pissed it won’t really matter if it’s raw or not.
If gay people are coming over garnish with a sprig of parsley.