19 December 2005

Jesus Turkey

In my ongoing work-in-progress of exploring my feminininininity I have decided that sharing recipes is girly. Now here in the jungle we celebrate the baby Jeezoo’s birth just like regular folk, so figuring that I may as well kill two birds with one stone I hereby offer the world my recipe for Christmas Turkey.

JJ’s Jesus Turkey
Serves: several human beings, 3 hyenas and a cat
Preparation time: half an hour in the tree, 10 minutes skinning and stuffing. Cooking time variable.

Ingredients
1 large koala
1 plump turkey
Sprig of parsley to garnish

Method
Sit your fanny firmly on a branch of a large leafy tree ensuring that the koala is within arm’s reach. Wait until the largest, plumpest of the jungle turkeys is gobbling directly under your branch and drop the koala decisively onto the part of its head that looks like a giant clitoris. Both animals will die but the koala at least will be dreaming of eucalyptus leaves, so it’s all good. Skin the koala and feed the remains to the hyenas. Then pluck the turkey feathers and set them aside to stuff inside the koala skin later – a novelty pillow is just what your mum needs for Christmas. Sever the turkeys head and lay it out in the sun so as you can turn it into a bong when it’s dried to bone.

Next you need to rip the turkey guts out, mash it into offal and shove it back up the turkey’s arse – everyone loves stuffing. Stoke up the jungle fire, chuck the turkey into the middle of it and then pour yourself a few nice pots of jungle juice. You deserve it.

I’m not exactly sure how long it takes to cook but eventually you’ll be so pissed it won’t really matter if it’s raw or not.

If gay people are coming over garnish with a sprig of parsley.

30 comments:

Mike said...

I'll need to try this recipe for sure! Great blog!

Calzone said...

I bet you like porn you freak.

jungle jane said...

Thanks for stopping by, mike you have lovely muscles.

calzone ya freaquita i've given up porn since i discovered your blog...

evilsciencechick said...

1. can I add this to my recipe site?

2. if I ever visit australia, remind me not to eat the food.

hi!

jungle jane said...

you're welcome to add it evilsciencechick - i guess you might want to add that it doesn't have to be a koala if you don't live in australia....

Calzone said...

you too actually.

JackJumpedOverTheMoon said...

"If gay people are coming over, remember to garnish with a sprig of parsley."

Garnish with a human head if vegitarians are coming over.

Nice! I like the tampon sculpture also. :D

Jack

josh williams said...

That is like my Grandmas recipe but she always used "Turkey of the sea" which would be Manatee ( it tastes alot like Koala) and instead of Turkey she would use Bald Eagle and instead of a bong she dried it into a beatin' rag. I got the scars to prove it! Nothing scars quite like a sun dried bald eagle. Boy you antipodes sure do share similar customs. Good day JW

ing said...

Aw, Jane, you kill the koala? I don't care about the turkey or even the hungry guests, here. I don't even care about my fanny. But the koala?

Henri Banks said...

Typical german food
Stiglmeier's Bavarian Brand Bratwurst are mild in flavor and have a fine consistency or fried potatoes. One package holds five (5) links (measuring approximately 5 1/2 inches long and 1 inche thick). Keep frozen for up to 2 months. If sausages arrive defrosted, store in refrigerator for no longer than one (1) week before

This is realy boring so give me the koala bear !!

jungle jane said...

Thank for the cooking tip, jack - i quite like the idea of a human head bong, too.

Josh your grannie sounds wicked. i should hook up with her sometime for an afternoon of hitting things...

ing you didn't hear jesus wailing like a baby when he was nailed to the cross. sorry but the koala has to die for my art

calzone your name is porn to my ears

trash if you want the koala you are gonna have to face off against the hyenas dude. and fuck me, their breath stinks....

Die Muräne said...

i'd like to smoke with that turkey head bong. so we could trow away the cock we dried last summer. it already starts to decay on the lower end.

BadGod said...

How'd you go from twat rags to turkey/koala stuff?

I love you. I had a pussy, it would be drippin' right now.

BadGod said...

That should read---"If I had a pussy, it would be drippin' right now."

So, you know.

jungle jane said...

Badgod it's all about my femininininity. some cunt accused me of being blokey so i'm working hard on being more frilly.

Is it working? Is it? Is it?

jungle jane said...

Murane i am loathe to talk about smoking dried cocks while Badgod is visiting...

ChrisWoznitza said...

Hi I´m Chriswab. Greatings from Germany Bottrop !!

davedudeski said...

i made a bong... from a cats head
i couldnt wait... till it was dead

stuck the tube in his eye
it started to cry

tooky tokie the china-man said

Zombie Lou said...

Lou Reed doesn't eat much it kills the buzz.

Malicia said...

I'd like to put you over my knee and spank your firm little ass.

jungle jane said...

Hi Chris...thanks for stopping by. i like Germany. Yous have cool sausage.

Dooodski you gotta wait til they are dead dooood but its a nice thought anyhow

Lou Reed i agree. i get most my energy from beer and cocaine

malicia your cat looks uncomfortable dude

crabcake said...

I've been lookin all over Ohio for a Koala, a turkey, and some hyenas.

Can I substitute the neighbors yapping dog, a nasty-mouthed parrot, and Chuck Dawson?

jungle jane said...

Sounds yummy crabcake but i think i am scheduled in to have group sex with Chuck Dawson, Lou Reed and a whole bunch of sandwiches later today. If your rumbling tummy can hold off til then i think Chuck will make a very interesting novelty pillow. hyenas don't really care what shit they eat so long as it bleeds...

Ms. Robyn said...

I hate girly broads - please don't change. By the way, I love cooking blogs - keep those recipes coming.

josh williams said...

OK, lets talk turkey! Now to the point. What was I talking about? Best Fish's JWW

wallycrawler said...

I like to eat dead things too ! That's why I got married . I just love your blog always makes me laugh . Thanx .

jungle jane said...

awwww gees ms robyn, you're my hero - you know how to cook your own biscuits. i only ever got mine out a packet. you rule dude.

Josh have you been sneaking a few cheeky cups of jungle juice again?

wally did you know that spiders combine the two? they eat their partners after mating...

wallycrawler said...

YA ! The female eats the male . I know I know . At least I did know .HHMMM...you hungry ? Sa Later .

waygon112 said...

All we have in New Jersey is pigeons, rabid racoons and stray dogs. Will these work with your recipe?

jungle jane said...

Wayne i am not sure about the rabid racoons. here in the jungle we keep those as pets, so eating somehow feels wrong.