11 December 2005

wanking

Today whilst carrying out routine monthly maintenance on my sex toys I realized with a jolt that I have invested more money on wanking this year than I have outlaid in my entire life on hairdressers. I have a clit clip to keep the cat-food bag sealed closed yet I have never paid to have my nails done. My annual pubic topiary bill (latest design - a green map of Australia to celebrate our entry into next year’s World Cup) amounts to more than I have spent on make-up since I was 15. I have never bought myself a bottle of perfume yet where most people use crocheted poodles, I have the Fiesty Arouser 9 incher on top of the loo to hold my toilet rolls in place.

Masturbation – a supposedly free and harmless activity that is encouraged by everyone in authority except for the Pope – is a jolly costly burden to anyone’s net take-home salary. So why is it that you never see it in accounting software pre-formatted budget spreadsheets? When last did your financial advisor gently suggest that you be sure to jerk off within your means?

If you add up the cost dodgy of website subscriptions, DVDs, toys (practical - used regularly), toys (funny and/or bizarre albeit completely impractical– nothing more than amusing ornaments), masturbatory accessories such as lube/poppers/beanies and everything else you smear, sniff or swallow or sprinkle plus of course phone sex bills for the blokes and you end up – if you are conservative in your estimations – at an annual expense of around $4,000. Now I am far more creative than mathematical but with a battering average of a nice daily wank that’s around 12 bucks for your bang. More expensive than cigarettes.

At that price, I had better not be faking it…

14 comments:

davedudeski said...

I am a budget wanker... DL my porn from the internet and i dont even use lube... so 30 bux a month to my isp... 3 sessions a day ... thats only .33 cents a pull.
Cant' beat that with a stick hehe.
(wink wink)

emmmmmm said...

Janey I am buying you something nice for your toilet rolls this Christmas you rude girl:-)))

Neil said...

Do you really need to spend so much money on this? Back in the old days, I remember we just took a piece of colored paper from the store, rolled in up, and used our imagination. Now, everything has to have batteries and fancy lights. Whatever happened to simplicity? And what ever happened to the hand? Isn't that free to use?

BadGod said...

I like that word. Wank. HA.

Wank. It makes me giggle. Just try and say it without laughing. Wank. Haha.

jungle jane said...

i'm impressed, dudeski. if you give up your dayjob you could even possibly up your average to 5 times a day. 0.20c - it's really not worth working you know...

em pumpkin my toilet roles are very happy with a dildo stuck up their arse, ta:-)

but neil i like shiny blinking things!

postulate is also a great word badgod. it's a shame it doesn't mean anything rude or i would use it heaps more...

Horny Old Guy said...

Gee I've been jacking off (wanking) for over 50 years (really!) and have never considered it a major budget buster. About the biggest expense I can remember is when I bought that "Linda Lovelace Inflatable Woman with a Vibrating Pussy and Three Love Holes" for $59.95 plus shipping and handling, batteries not included. It was okay if you like to fuck balloons but it quickly went to the back of my closet where a girlfriend discovered it several years later (Don't ask!). Oh I guess I've spent several thousand dollars on nudie magazines and porn but I would have done that even if I didn't use it as inspiration for wanking. Nowadays you can get all the porn you need for free on the web and I buy bottles of generic Lubiderm at the dollar store so my Saturday night wank sessions are almost free. Now if I could just get Medicare to cover Viagra, I would be one happy old fart!

jungle jane said...

those dolls are a bit too close to necrophilia for my liking Horny:-)

Calzone said...

That makes sense to me yo. You can't fuck your hair.

All I need to get off though is my imagination and a pair of your shoes.

jungle jane said...

and a nice little noose, calzone...don't forget the noose:-))

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

And THAT'S one to wank on.

Seriously, I'll never look at my vibrator(s) the same way again.

davedudeski said...

I gotta save a little somethin fo da ladies ya know... :p

wallycrawler said...

I started my blog because I got tired of pull'n my wire .

jungle jane said...

i leer at mine, hussy:-)

dudeski a universe of ladies are very grateful...

i find that there is ample time in life for both, Wally:-)

josh williams said...

I`1``I'm a``~``cccchhhrrroooo~O~OOoniccciiccc ma~~saaattttu~~~rrrrrrrrrr``~~~~`babbababa~~~teteterrrrrrrrrr
I'm a so sleepy.