Today whilst carrying out routine monthly maintenance on my sex toys I realized with a jolt that I have invested more money on wanking this year than I have outlaid in my entire life on hairdressers. I have a clit clip to keep the cat-food bag sealed closed yet I have never paid to have my nails done. My annual pubic topiary bill (latest design - a green map of Australia to celebrate our entry into next year’s World Cup) amounts to more than I have spent on make-up since I was 15. I have never bought myself a bottle of perfume yet where most people use crocheted poodles, I have the Fiesty Arouser 9 incher on top of the loo to hold my toilet rolls in place.
Masturbation – a supposedly free and harmless activity that is encouraged by everyone in authority except for the Pope – is a jolly costly burden to anyone’s net take-home salary. So why is it that you never see it in accounting software pre-formatted budget spreadsheets? When last did your financial advisor gently suggest that you be sure to jerk off within your means?
If you add up the cost dodgy of website subscriptions, DVDs, toys (practical - used regularly), toys (funny and/or bizarre albeit completely impractical– nothing more than amusing ornaments), masturbatory accessories such as lube/poppers/beanies and everything else you smear, sniff or swallow or sprinkle plus of course phone sex bills for the blokes and you end up – if you are conservative in your estimations – at an annual expense of around $4,000. Now I am far more creative than mathematical but with a battering average of a nice daily wank that’s around 12 bucks for your bang. More expensive than cigarettes.
At that price, I had better not be faking it…