This morning whilst dancing around the stockpile of pills I will be shoving up my jiggly arse tonight I couldn’t help think about the year that was 2005 and my conduct as a child of christ. New Year is always a good time to take a giant emotional shit and resolve to make a few changes. And I fucking mean it – this isn’t just teary, sentimental pap because it’s the last day of the year.
- I will not say “cunt” at all anymore but I will say “cock” a whole bunch. This is in case I have to eat my words.
- I will stop wearing my Gary Glitter t-shirt when I pick up my niece from playschool
- I will not leave tampons dipped in tomato sauce in restaurant ashtrays.
- I will stop mis-labelling tranny-sex mpegs as humour and uploading them to file sharing servers.
- I will drive past the gym at least once a week.
- I will finish reading “Auto Erotic Asphyxiation for Dummies” and collect some homeless people to practise on.
- I will abandon my fantasy of becoming a sex slave.
- I will stop holding Tubgirl re-enactment parties.
Happy New Year muthafuckas.