30 December 2005

new year, new me

This morning whilst dancing around the stockpile of pills I will be shoving up my jiggly arse tonight I couldn’t help think about the year that was 2005 and my conduct as a child of christ. New Year is always a good time to take a giant emotional shit and resolve to make a few changes. And I fucking mean it – this isn’t just teary, sentimental pap because it’s the last day of the year.

  • I will not say “cunt” at all anymore but I will say “cock” a whole bunch. This is in case I have to eat my words.
  • I will stop wearing my Gary Glitter t-shirt when I pick up my niece from playschool
  • I will not leave tampons dipped in tomato sauce in restaurant ashtrays.
  • I will stop mis-labelling tranny-sex mpegs as humour and uploading them to file sharing servers.
  • I will drive past the gym at least once a week.
  • I will finish reading “Auto Erotic Asphyxiation for Dummies” and collect some homeless people to practise on.
  • I will abandon my fantasy of becoming a sex slave.
  • I will stop holding Tubgirl re-enactment parties.

Happy New Year muthafuckas.


josh williams said...

Jane you just posted this and it is all very noble.Good on ya. Now I am working on a very imortant global project spanning 24 time zones. I need at least 864 commodes and various and sundry items of a laboratory at sea or desert conditions type. All this is going to take time and money. Thank you in advance, the new year is looming and I got to get this project rolling, it could even make the news if I can pull it off!

honeyhive said...

We have got to *at least* hang out.

jungle jane said...

Josh i can help. I have a whole bunch of tampons, a gym membership i don't need, the Sex Slave Handbook and a whole bunch of MPEG's of Honeyhive fisting a dog. would that help?

Honeyhive my resolutions don't apply to you. We still get to be sluts together

Henri Banks said...

next year gonna be boring or what i think i gonna make a movie "homeless in australia"

Ernesto Brabazoni said...

Masterbation Quiz
Masturbation Survey
Are you male or female?
How old are you?
At what age did you start masturbating?
How many times a week do you masturbate?
How many times do you orgasm each time you play?
Where do you masturbate:
In bed?
In the shower?
In the bath?
At the computer?
At work?
Every room in the house?
In a parked car?
In a car while traveling along the interstate?

What do you fantasize about when you play:
A significant other?
A friend?
A friend's spouse?
A stranger?
A student?
A co-worker?
A member of the same sex?
A past lover?

What position do you play in:
On your back?

How do you play:
With left hand?
With right hand?
With a toy?
With water from bath, Jacuzzi or shower?

What porn do you use to masturbate:
Written erotica?
Movie clips online?
Something on TV?

What is your favorite porn:
Straight sex between man and woman?
Gay or lesbian sex?
Group sex or orgies? Love group sex
Blow jobs/oral sex?
Age play?
Role playing?

Have you ever masturbated to:
Email messages?
A chat room dialogue?
Exchanged stories or pictures?

Have you ever:
Been caught masturbating?
Masturbated for a man/woman?
Masturbated for the same sex?
Masturbated in a group?
Masturbated for a photo?
Masturbated for a webcam?
Masturbated for a video?

Do you ever:
Play with nipples/breasts when masturbating?
Insert something or play with your ass?
Insert something in mouth when masturbating?
Use pain as a method of playing?

For men and women:
Do you taste your cum?
When was the last time you masturbated?
Are you wet or hard now?
Are you going to masturbate now?
Are you a masturbation addict?
What is the most you have played in one day?

scott enema said...

jungle bush - you want a disgruntled fan ? oh my sweet lady with bangs askew from "down under" ( mmmm, how appropriate ) be careful for what you wish ... i am capable of becoming so disgruntled that my family calls 911 on me ... they never understood my sexual fascination with my 13 year old sister ... she only cried the first few times, soon she either widened or became used to the pain ... and, of course who wouldn't understand why I hated my mother so deeply - when she realized it was me, her teenage son at the time who would masterbate in church during "i believe in god the father, the son and the holy ghosties" and shoot my load of thick white cum right onto the oak back of the pew in front of me ... sometimes the pages to the hymnals would get stuck together ... i never really got back at my mother ( the first woman i ever called a cunt ) for that - well, there was the time i switched the labels on the jars vaseline and the vicks vapo rub in
her medicine closet ... you should heard her and my father screaming that night when they butt fucked ... the only bad thing i did to daddy was i shot a load on the miracle whip side of his bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich - i think the tomatoes were so good and juicy that year that daddy never even noticed ... i wish i could send you some photos i have on my cell phone of my dickhead - one night i took some ectasy and a hit of meth and took straight pins and stuck them through the ridge around my dickhead (like most americans babe, i am circumsized ) after a few more hits and some grey goose, i was able to completely encompass that ridge with over 40 straight pins ... i use large safety pins on my nipples ... for a $7.00 (usa) bet, i lit my bush on fire at a friend swimming party ... paxil paxil paxil, i am up to 150 gms daily now ... ok babe, i think i am gonna go shower, put on a pair of diesel jeans ( fuck, they make my ass and package look so hot) and a butch flannel plaid shirt and head into manhattan and get started a day ahead for new years eve ... hope you have a hot one babe ...

jungle jane said...

Henri let's make the movie!

Great quiz Ernesto. can i just say "all of the above"?

Right on billyboydee. i never met anyone who could set fire to their bush in a swimming pool before...

honeyhive said...

How did you get that video??!!


We Love Boobies said...

Woo Hoo Janey, thanks for that dedication... and a Merry New Year to you too!!

Only took you one day to think it up after our dinner discussion. Nice job.

When we grow up (which we hope we never do, 'cause gravity takes hold & all), we wanna be just like you...

Damnit!! We forgot the tampons. That's a neat trick.

Hey, you've been holding out on us. You said you threw away all the tranny porn. U sukk!!

We were waiting for even a vague reference to Michael Hutchence in there somewhere. Never mind.

No, don't abandon the dream. We like having you as our sex slave. Where else are we gonna find a short, voluptuous, cute as shit, bisexual nymphomaniac? It's gonna take us months to train up another one...sheeeesh

Anonymous said...

Since you are giving up the word "cunt" I shall give up my favorite word, "bastard" and take "cunt" for myself. (If you don't mind.) Americans are so offended by that one, I've realized lately, so it's perfectly suited for my needs. I'm going to wash my CUNT now so I can go get my CUNT eaten and get caught watching TV at the same time and be called a CUNT.
Much love, you Cunt.

jungle jane said...

you forgot, Honeyhive. I held the dog down.

Boobies yes i thought it was a nice touch and a quick response. it seems i can blog on request. I will think of you both when i have my finger up my arse tonight. Find yourself another gimp - i've decided to join the church.

jungle jane said...

Sausage, cunt was just made for you! i might have to borrow it back for a few days next month - its senseless overlooking an opportunity to offend the masses...

Bad Taste blog said...

Try this ,its stupid but what the fuck!!

Terro said...

Great shyt...

Larry said...

why would you give up your slave dream?? i think this is a dream that can be fulfilled, you owe it to your cunt to see this through.

wallycrawler said...

I don't usually do this but I have one New Years resolution to stop eating pussy . I figure if I stop now my wife will leave me in a matter of months . Maybe three or four . I'll Be divorced in say a year . Free to eat pussy again . I'll be back at my old stomping grounds jam'n 10s and 20s in G-strings and ball'n stripers ." Nice " . Now what about the money ? Da wife makes all the money , what to do ?..." Goes to show you , never make resolutions when your drunk . "Happy New Year Double J."

ing said...

Happy New Year!

I hugely dig that Gary Glitter, man. Reggaetón is so dope. . .

And oy, tubgirl. Good call on nixing the reenactments. Stop the cycle! I mean, dear god, what do you think she uttered before she had to eat those words of hers.

Have a blast on the 31st, sweets.

crabcake said...

Since you're givin all this stuff up, can I have it?

josh williams said...

Jane you are so helpful I am going to make you an officer on this project, which means the non-coms have to do every thing you ask. One more favor I needat least 864 digital video cameras and some spares, 864 computers attached to some sort of servo system and some spares put the Tampons on ebay to raise some jing and forward honeys Mpeg Thanks gotta run JW

crabcake said...

Jane, I'm off to party but I wanted to tell ya, have a good time tonight, just what ever ya do, stay outa jail cuz I only have 2 dollars and 38...40....yep 42 cents for bail money. However, if ya call me at the pub, I will take up a collection. Assumin I can hear the phone by that time. Still hoping Fred will let me sing with the band. So far all I get to do is hold up a sign. And somehow I got that upside down last time. Oh well, no worries, we're startin a whole new year!

Have a good one!

Johnny Menace said...

and which one of those are you going to break first?

jungle jane said...

The test was indeed lame, bad taste. but your blog is well cool:-)

ta terro - everyone loves a great shyte

Larry the slave dream must go. you didn't see Mother Theresa signing up for sexslavehood, did you?

Wally have you considered that she may not leave you - she may just get a gun and shoot you instead...

ing my friend i will stop the parties. but then you have to stop nagging me to throw them and for you to go first. deal?

Josh, an Officer? Wow! Does that give me rank over Roscoe? I can't get 864 computers, but i can get 971 dot matrix printers. I am so excited to be part of this Josh. Let me know if you want me to sell my grandmother to a dog food manufacturer to raise cash too.

Crabcake i stayed of out jail but wasn't so lucky with the gutter. my night was carnage - i am just glad i didn't say anything about not fucking twin dwarves - my resolutions would have been broken.

Johnny menace i have huge amounts of willpower and i figure people forget about the silly resolutions you made about a week into new year. I am very certain i can last another week...

ing said...

Ah, Jane. Jane, Jane, Jane. I'll stop nagging you to throw those parties when you stop paying me to nag you in front of your friends, as they've grown deaf now to your incessant nagging.

As you know, the one who goes first doesn't have to lie in it. So yeah, good resolution, because I was starting to worry about you and your tendency to hustle to the back of the line. . .

jungle jane said...

Jesus Ing, where is your festive spirit? is all of this negativity simply because i sold the video of you in the tub for a few lousy bucks? you can relax - i did insist that they only view it privately you know. i am sure it won't appear anywhere on the internet. I needed the proceeds of the sale to buy dot matrix printers for Josh...

ing said...

No negativity here; you've always been good for a loan or a beer. But please, don't be so modest about the picture of you in the tub, Jane. You're always trying to pass the torch.

[Seriously, though, I bet you throw a mean party.]

I spent the last of my savings on Josh's commodes. And I'm getting a leetle bit weary of helping him out. To what ends do we toil? I need to know!

jungle jane said...

well. i am not sure if you know this but you are my mate and therefore you should be told. i have been made an Officer by Josh. The power is all i need. I fail to see what you are getting out of it but i promise not to boss you around too much.

josh williams said...

Jane We can use the Matrix printers all of them, data data data! This is fantastic news and I feel so good about it I posted on my site an homage to your church.
ing: You can be an officer.
Rank over Roscoe, a womans wiles is rank enough.

jungle jane said...

Josh i have also collected 94 second hand bongs. We have $9.12 additional from the sale of Ing's rude video too. Only thing is that it's Australian $. But it's a step in the right direction, do you think?

Is it time to think of a name for our Church? and how about your New Grand Experiment?

ing said...

Me, an officer? Gosh!

jungle jane said...

Yay! Ing's got rank! i hope we get a cute uniform, Ing. I am gonna start practising goose stepping today...

ing said...

I'm going to try out that Mujahideen march thingy. I hope we get cute little hats.

Bad Taste blog said...

So how was the party down there Did you drink your braincells death ?

jungle jane said...

and cute little guns, Ing

Bad Taste your picture of me on your blog just rules. in the background there should be a cauldron boiling with some strange bloke in it...

Calzone said...

Baby..but you are my sex slave.

jungle jane said...

I thought we agreed i am your sex puppet Calzone?

Marcus said...

I love the word cunt! Nice site here.

drunkbh said...

Don't give up the sex slave fantasy.

josh williams said...

Name for our Church Hmmm? I think it should be something catchy. Hand Bongs? What the fuck we can use them. Yes you can wear uniforms and cute little hats, so can Roscoe.I'll dress myself...ing: Glad your happy to be an officer.I trust you all but I cannot divulge what is going on, but you will be so proud to be a part of it, I promise!

ing said...

I am already so proud, so very proud. Can I have one of those tight little RPGs? And which do you think would go better: a Kalashnikov or an AK-47? I'm kind of small-boned.


Ms. Robyn said...

Well, I'll be disappointed if you stop saying "cunt". In ancient writings, the word "cunt" was synonomous with "woman", though not insulting in meaning. It's detrimental meaning started, with who else, medieval clergymen, who decided that any thing which resembled a woman's "opening" was sinister, and thus holy caves, wells, mountainous grooves, etc. were called "cunnus diaboli or "devilish cunt".

Now, there's nothing I hate more than medieval clergymen. I think us gals should take the word cunt back, like the blacks took back "nigger" - you know, only we chicks can say it, or else you'll get a cap in your ass or something.

jungle jane said...

Thanks Marcus - I shall turn in a circle, rub my belly and say CUNT in your honour:-)

I'll give it a week drunkbh - hopefully by then everyone forgot my stupid resolutions...

Josh i don't care what our mission is - if it's good enough for Ing its good enough for me. The Uniting Church of Hand Bongs it is...now where is the wine for the communion?

Ing, go the AK47 - they are so timeless.

You are right Ms Robyn - let's re-claim the cunt as our own! if you are black and female you may also use the term Nigga Cunt. sweet.

ing said...

The "little black dress" of armaments, yes. Didn't Audrey Hepburn carry one, back in the day?

josh williams said...

United Church of Hand Bongs...I'm hep with that, and yes lets get some fire arms because some of our recruits will be stationed just off somalia which is rife with pirates at this moment... After some thought they are still rife with pirates. We will give them guns and you all ( can loot the offering plate for cute little outfits)! Damn I thought this was going to be a joke but its turning into something very, very important! Strenth JW

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