21 December 2005

The Milky Way

I have no time for cows or the contents of their tits. According to my Know Your Farm Animals dictionary, milk is “a short term maternal lactating secretion for newborns”. I think that is supposed to read “newborns of their own species” but the dictionary writer dude was too busy dry-retching at the thought of anyone drinking bovine mammary fluid to write it up properly.

Here in the jungle we have long been of the view that we would sooner eat our own snot than put our lips anywhere near Eau de Teat. We can only but imagine that milk drinkers have never stopped to consider the poor bacteria trying to do an honest day’s work in their lactose-lined colons.

So great is my disgust at the filth that is milk that I have spent most of today researching udders in an effort to know my enemy. I now know a whole bunch about the median suspensory ligament located in the center of the udder but I am still entirely unclear as to why the western world woke up one day and decreed it okay to drink a substance that was designed to rear baby cows from 0 to 2 tons in a short space of time. Why not cats milk? Or dogs milk? And how is it that I have some friends who take milk in their tea but think that giving headjobs is ewwwww?

I am fairly certain that somewhere out there is the solution to the Great Milk Mystery. I will not rest until I have answers.

38 comments:

Die Muräne said...

here in Switzerland only the tourists from Japan drink milk. They are very impressed because there's no milk at all in Japan. Their cows have udders like fried eggs (like their girls you know).
we prefer to have a beer and a headjob

ing said...

I switched to soy.

You know what's grosser than milk, though? Eggs. Bluck. Chicken embryo.

jungle jane said...

I would have been terribly concerned if you had chosen the fried egg over the blowjob Murane

Ing. Dude. I am soooo hearing you. Egg is for old people with no teeth.

Calzone said...

Thats kind of like people that will lick your asshole but then bum out if you want to use their toothbrush in the morning.

I had this fantasy about screwing you while we both poured milk all over each other and broke eggs on each other's asses. Does this mean you don't think that's hot?

davedudeski said...

if you think milk is gross...
what about cheese?
Did you know that in
Italy they eat maggot cheese?

Milk - bad
Cheese - worse
Maggot Cheese -
now that is udderly revolting.

sexy picture btw.
makes me want to milk you.

jungle jane said...

Calzone you're a dragon. You breathe fire. Mix that up with a bit of milk and egg and it sounds like we have an omlette. You surely don't think i'd fall for the old omlette trick did you?

Cheese is gross too, Dudeski. But maggots i quite like the sound of. i bet they would rule in a stirfry...

josh williams said...

I switched to soy as well. Soy milk (Small udders on a soy bean, real small) and Hagis, thats my diet, it keeps me nice and slim for the ladies.Might be an idea for a coffee table book. Soy and Hagis mmmmm.

mmmmm Hagis Nacho's

jungle jane said...

Josh let's do it. Same drill as before, yeah? You write the forward, i'll pad out the guts of the book. you arrange the pope and i take bucket loads of drugs at the launch and root our groupies?

Do we have a working title for the book? go for something classy, eh?

Malicia said...

I'd like to hang you from the ceiling from your ankles.

jungle jane said...

your shackles or mine, my lovely??

Malicia said...

You drive me crazy freak

Die Muräne said...

Today i smelled like a zombie and after a short search I found a similar tribe of bacteria under my arms. Will try to sell it also to the japanese tourist. Because I have no udder they will have to lick it directly from my armpits. But who cares?

josh williams said...

Soy you like Hagis?
The living history.

This title ok?

jungle jane said...

Malicia I have your cat. Give me $50 or the beast dies.

Die Murane you should cultivate the bactaria. that's how they make yogurt, you know.

Josh that's perfect. i just think that www.soyyoulikehagis.com might be a bit of a mouthful for the website?

Jake_633 said...

Around the world more people drink goats milk than coos.
Now that's just perverted.
I friggin lurve yer blog Janeeeeeeeeeee.

Calzone said...

Just because I like feet doesn't mean I don't want to play with your breasts.

jungle jane said...

jake, if you spent less time reading my blog and more time arranging your Fantasy Football team i wouldn't have spanked your bum as hard as i did last weekend...

oooooops, was that insensitive?

Calzone i'll get some nipples grafted onto my kneecaps so we can kill two birds with one stone, eh?

Anonymous said...

Wiping the milk mustache from my lip in udder satisfaction...

jungle jane said...

So much nicer than the brown stain you had a few days ago ms sausage.

Start a blog oh here, homie. i miss your wit...

Calzone said...

I'm not Lou Reed anymore, I gave him to someone else. Now you look like a cheap tart.

Anonymous said...

If you'd just wiped your ass a little better my dear...

I will soon.

wallycrawler said...

Luv da boobs but I'm allergic ta milk . To bad I love da stuff ! I'd eat cereal in large mixing bowls one or two times a day . A couple of years ago I was rushed to the hospital with an eratic heart beat . I thought I was gonna die , but no just a allergic reaction to cow juice ."Nice eh" ?

jungle jane said...

all crack whores are cheap tarts, Calzone.

sausage you little minx

i am too, wallycrawler. it makes me vomit.

josh williams said...

Your probably right about the title so how about. Sexnow.com the search engines would creak and smoke and the bone'r crowd would maybe lose the mood but...think about it.

ing said...

Jane, cheap tarts aren't smart and funny and intimidating to Australian men. E.g. you're no cheap tart.

jungle jane said...

Josh you have a real future in this book writing shit dude.

Ing the men of australia are wondering when you are arriving to claim them. they had the red carpet steam cleaned especially.

Jake_633 said...

Goats! Really.
Goats!
Those evil eyed feckers with the poofy beards.
I'm tellin' yer it's just perverted.
I'm gonna spank yer fantasy bum this weekend so i am.

Henri Banks said...

Damn jane now a need a second dick for a titfuck

jungle jane said...

Two spare dicks if you take into account the second vagina i had implanted in my chest White Trash.

Jake sort your midfield out dude. Ronaldo is a gay expensive mistake - listen to aunty now...

Jake_633 said...

Goats!
I tells yer it's just not normal

Spanky spanky spanky!!!
Woohoo,
lol

Ad xox (notice Julie's name doesn't appear) said...

So you're saying that you think giving headies is great?

Excellent... looking forward to catching up tonight :-)

jungle jane said...

see jake - you lost Ronoldo and had a cracking weekend. too bad i'm still 6 points clear of you with all my transfers up my sleeve, eh??:-)

Adam it might be a lonely night - i have you guys pencilled in for thursday night...

Ad & Jules xox said...

Someone say nipples?

Ad xo said...

OK, got it. WANK tonight, and JJ heady tomorrow night...

Do you mind if we just bypass all the girly floor play stuff?

MilkMaid said...

HEY...all this milk bashing?!?!?! WTF?

LOL, I get all my milk from MilkMan of course. From his truck, his truck...

jungle jane said...

oh present company excluded of course milkmaid:-)

Jake_633 said...

Hay even with my transfer feck-up i'm still only 6 behind. Couple o goals from Verucca and i'm right back on yer bum. Woohoo.
I friggin lurve yer blog Janeeeeeee

waygon112 said...

milkshake?