21 December 2005

The Milky Way

I have no time for cows or the contents of their tits. According to my Know Your Farm Animals dictionary, milk is “a short term maternal lactating secretion for newborns”. I think that is supposed to read “newborns of their own species” but the dictionary writer dude was too busy dry-retching at the thought of anyone drinking bovine mammary fluid to write it up properly.

Here in the jungle we have long been of the view that we would sooner eat our own snot than put our lips anywhere near Eau de Teat. We can only but imagine that milk drinkers have never stopped to consider the poor bacteria trying to do an honest day’s work in their lactose-lined colons.

So great is my disgust at the filth that is milk that I have spent most of today researching udders in an effort to know my enemy. I now know a whole bunch about the median suspensory ligament located in the center of the udder but I am still entirely unclear as to why the western world woke up one day and decreed it okay to drink a substance that was designed to rear baby cows from 0 to 2 tons in a short space of time. Why not cats milk? Or dogs milk? And how is it that I have some friends who take milk in their tea but think that giving headjobs is ewwwww?

I am fairly certain that somewhere out there is the solution to the Great Milk Mystery. I will not rest until I have answers.
posted by jungle jane @ 5:58 am |


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