17 December 2005

tampons

I dunno if being a potty-mouthed, hard-living, drug-scoffing, cheap-piss-drinking mijito counts against me but I’ve been noticing recently that blokes seem to be really awfully scared of me. In short, I think I should put a bit more elbow grease into honing my femininity instead of dissing my yang by perving on midget porn and flicking my bean. If that fails I guess I could just grab the nearest bloke and club him in the kneecaps to keep him from fleeing.

After a snap poll amongst The Girls it appears that my hobbies might be a starting point – fucking about with motorbikes and having a season ticket to the cricket doesn’t seem to make it on any other girl lists of Fun Things To Do This Weekend. I clearly need to get a hobby with XX chromosomes – and one that doesn’t involve me, my lady-parts and a big sack of batteries.

So after a bit of research and a lot of thought I have decided to go with the flow and write me one of them Coffee Table books. More specifically, mine is going to be about tampons - I figured that you don’t get much more girly than a grouse dose of toxic shock syndrome. In deference to my authentic self I won’t sell out completely though – Jam Rag (it’s still a working title but am I right or am I right in thinking that's one classy title) will of course have a nasty sealed section for educational purposes and also for dirty blood fuckers - Period Porn is a booming big business.

I have already decided on a Tampon Art section, an introduction to Tampon Haberdashery and possibly even a small section on Beaver Hammocks - or sanitary napkins as my dead Nana used to call them.

Now I know I have a long way to go before my work makes it into the
Museum of Menstruation (I love how they call themselves MUM for short. That’s real neat.) I know that recognition from Tampaction's Menstrual Activism section is a bit ambitious right now while i am still in the conceptual stages, but I also can’t help thinking of the words of a wize old zulu: a journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step. which in my case would be getting off my arse and out this bloody hole….

21 comments:

Calzone said...

See the fact that you are you a freak is what makes you so incredibly fucking couth.

Well and that you are ridiculously hot. The only problem with you is you seem hard to fool, you don't seem submissive, and you would probably notice if you were missing a 20 out of your wallet.

josh williams said...

I've replaced my done broke obsolete tv .Its so like my old one other than it is not broken, watched the thing until I remebered why I broke the thing to begin with I retreated to my office/entertainment center and plugged in Leonard Cohen after a few mis plugs and as the "Dance me to the end of Love" before the song drifts away I must quickly type I love your coffee book idea as well as this song and if you need a positive review....songs over. OK yea I'll skip to Everybody Knows and promise you a review. Gosh if I only were a woman I could tell you soooo many tampon storys! Tamp on JW

jungle jane said...

I wipe my arse with the twenties, Calzone.

Josh you are so real. I want you for my book man. I am even thinking of asking you to write a Foreward in it - tampon empathy type stuff you know???

YellowSock said...

Bloody brilliant! Will you do a chapter on clots? (One of my favorite things to call people- "mentrual clot.")

jungle jane said...

HAHAHAHA iheartsausage that's piss funny. Yes! i will address clotting and possibly even haemorraging.....

Actually my insult word of the week has been "Tampon" - usually used to describe stuck up cunts. Dunno why but a week later it's still amsuing me...

josh williams said...

I am so there! Beleive me I have been bloodied emotionally so many times I almost understand why! Yeah I do... So I have the empathy, sure. Spit and a handshake its a deal!So 25% on the residuals from the forward?...or it might be easier gratis? Thanks JW

Written but not read or speel checked.
Personal assistant of JWW

jungle jane said...

you deserve more than Tampon residue Josh. I'll see if i can get the Pope to bless you too, yeah?

Oh and by the way your personal assistant was too lazy to spell check so i shot the cunt...

Henri Banks said...

* vines
* insect porn
* blokes in loincloths
* eating dead things

Your are real THE junle Jane
Happy to meet you i am the doktor ;-)

davedudeski said...

thats funny... I am writing a coffe table book on cookies... mmm dejavu :p

josh williams said...

You used sound judgement with my personal assistant. Thanks you have a good level head. Thanks again and yeah the pope thing would be cool it would make my folks soooo proud! Kind Regards JW

ing said...

Tampon haberdashery? I'm all for that.

God, I can't wait to hit menopause.

jungle jane said...

Welcome to the jungle Doc...got any meds??

dooodski awesome. get Josh to write the forward in your book - he's been given the nod by the pope, you know...

Ing, yeah! lets hear it for menopause!
Gimme an M
Gimme an E
Gimme an N
Gimme an O....

ing said...

Tell me about it -- 22 years of this shite. My kanakas hurt.

josh williams said...

Yeah just got off the phone with the Pope, he said it would be a great idea and gave me a two schepter thump! Its a go! I have about 2,000 beefy T white Haines T shirts and around 30 wide tip indeliable markers all we need is the book.....all we need is the book....all...this is going to drive me insane! Lets get the ball rolling on this project, it needs to be done.The Pope said so over the phone. I have not really sat down and gone over the whole project I may have glossed over some facts but thats my problem. You two gals need to work together and finish this project. Kindest Regards Jonathan (Josh)

jungle jane said...

Man the pope is fly.

Josh, do you reckon you can get him to wear on of the t-shirts during one of his sermons? like on christmas day or something?

nice work - that assistant was dragging you down dude...

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

i want something to commemorate the museum of menstruation.

and i say, stay your fabulously weird self!

jungle jane said...

right-ho. See, i had a feeling this might get big.

it seems i need to think beyond t-shirts and more about of Menstrual Memorabilia. Mouse Mats...Tea Bags shaped liked tampons....applicators that double up as bongs. where will it end?

josh williams said...

Got off the phone with the Pope he said he would like a triple XL so he could use it as a night shirt. Thats all I could get him to commit to, he can be a little uptight sometimes. Menstrablia!

YellowSock said...

I've made pipes from applicators... I recommend people try the unused ones.

I thought of you (in the loveliest way) when I watched a crow trying to carry away a tampon on the sidewalk a few days ago. While the holiday shoppers grimmaced and dodged, this bird wanted nothing more than to take in home and savor it. He was not successful, it was just too big.

waygon112 said...

can a sanitary napkins be used at a formal table setting instead of cloth napkins?

jungle jane said...

sausage i can always rely on you for practical household tips. you will make a fine wife, my dear

Josh the pope is lucky to have you in his life.

Wayne that's a fabby idea. especially dabbing the red wine from the corners of your mouth...