10 June 2006


Because I am a filthy little troll I generally always get more than one wear out of most of my clothes before I see fit to do the laundry:

Frilly knickers: n/a - don’t own any
Tracksuit pants: worn until they stink
Long sleeved t-shirt: at least 2 wears – sometimes as many as 3 if I turn it inside out
Sports gear: just once
Denim jeans: at least 4 wears
Rubber sex apparel: numerous - usually hosed down when it gets all scummy and gungy
Bed Sheets: once a week but only due to dirty paw prints left by the cats. Otherwise during sexual drought definitely 2 weeks.

Dry cleaning in my opinion is for pussies. Fuck getting stuff dry cleaned – it all goes in the wash in my house. I don’t fuck about with all of those fancy-pants settings on the machine either and nor have I ever read a washing label on an item of clothing – it all just goes in on Cycle 3, which according to the manufacturer’s icon is for cottons and synthetics.

Once the washing machine has done its thing I remove the clothing, chuck it all in the tumble drier and silently retort “oh fuck you too” to the environment – no washing lines for this princess.

Because I am busy and important I do not iron my clothing - I have never even owned an iron in my entire life. Once my clothing is dry I simply take it upstairs in the laundry basket and there it sits in my bedroom as I use it directly from the basket. I very rarely manage to muster up enough interest to transfer it from the laundry basket to my cupboard - I prefer to spend my spare time on more practical pursuits such as flicking my bean and drinking beer rather than folding and packing my laundry.

It doesn’t matter where my clothing is lying about the place – on the floor, in the clean clothing basket or half hanging in the dirty laundry basket - I subconsciously know exactly what is clean, what is dirty and what is somewhere in-between.

I do admit that around half way through the week my system does start unravelling as semi-dirty items (such as a long sleeved t-shirt only worn once and therefore technically still clean) end up back in the laundry basket or possibly – due to my bad aim – what was meant to be thrown into the dirty laundry basket in fact ended up in the clean laundry basket. And then add to the mix that that I tend to leave my clothes lying on the floor once I have taken them off at night and really by the end of the week it's all starting to get a bit hit and miss.

Anyhow...now that I am on such a roll with all this domestic stuff, what do you say next week we discuss my dish washing strategies, eh?


Adam said...

yeah i can usually get my jeans to last a while

Adam said...

I mean whoo hoo I'm first

Anonymous said...

Jane, we are so very different in this area. I have specific folding and storing methods for every type of garment and even roll my linens and place them decoratively in baskets. I will let a glass of soda grow mold before washing it but if my towels are not all facing the same direction I freak out.

Zen Wizard said...

Somehow, the image of the cat crawling on the bed is the most repulsive to me in the entire post--indeed, on the entire page.

I think I need professional help.

Brookelina said...

I'm sorry, I never got past the phrase "flicking my bean."

josh williams said...

I have an iron in a metal lunch box with a bunch of ski wax.This collection of wax and iron has not been used since I bought my new skis and then I bought my new trail bike and I am better at riding that skiing soooo there it sits...somewhere in my house, my best guess is the closet upstairs just N or the stairs.
I have a genuine imitation leather recliner next to a really nice lamp (never fails to cast light,yet) where I put my cloths that are not ready to launder but could use one or two more chances before I drown them.
I can afford this luxury not because I had my body odor glands removed but because I have a poor sense of smell and wrinkles don't freak me out.Jane you have a great system, stand proud! JW

Vince said...

I have an iron, but it broke 20 years ago. I hire a maid to do my laundry...

barman said...

Can I ask a question? Once one flicks the bean, does anything else matter?

I think your system has some room for improvement but for the most part why fix what is not broken? I think the length of wear sounds good. Oh by the way, no frilly nickers? Does this mean no nickers period? If that is the case it may very well decrease the amount of wear out of the pants.

Here is hoping you willl be changing your bed sheets on a more frequent basis.

Looking forward to the dish care stuff.

Jozee said...

Janey I missed you last night. I mean tonight
It's still the same night here though it's afternoon there.

How's the holiday going?

Erin's a swell hostess. Hope you can make the next party.

Vince- what a surprise.

Sheri said...

I just get my husband to do the laundry. I left it for so long, it would pile up all over the place. Imagine your mess times 5 people. Being the compulsive/obsessive that he is, not to mention complete neat freak. He got pissed off and started doing it himself. And it's stuck that way ever since. As for ironing - isn't done, that's why he takes his dress shirts to the dry cleaners and he folds the laundry right out of the dryer.

I do everything else in the house though.

Now, I just need to get a dog to help me with the dishes!

jungle jane said...

First or not, I can smell those jeans from here. Yikes lad, surely you have maids in Canada??!!

Christ woman - you have 'linens'. god. do you give your 'linens' names, or are they more like nameless friends? Sausage i am worried - i think you need to get out a bit more.

The cat doesn't crawl. he goes outside, gets his paws all muddy and then comes and jumps up on be bed purring loudly. I could solve the problem by getting paw-print patterned sheets or cutting the cats paws off entirely. I will get back to you when i've decided which option to pursue.

Ah! i can see you are a laundry slob too then??

I love your system. It occurs to me however that if i get my nose plugged up i can get more wear out of my clothing don't you think? i mean the only thing forcing me to do the laundry at all is the smell. oh and the skidmarks. perhaps if i walk about with a tampon plugged up each nostril i would never have to launder in my life again.

And does your maid use the broken iron to do the ironing? and is your name for your helper Iron Maiden?

Very well observed on the knicker thing. I do have knickers - just not frilly ones. i have rubber knickers, leather knicker and good old fashioned cotton. i simply abhor frilly undies. the only thing that frilly undies are good for are wrapping around your cat's head for a laugh when he is sleeping.

No holiday here i'm afraid - i am working my arse off at the moment. i never get the time right for these things - last time i was a day late and now this time i came in hours earlier!


i love the idea of passing this chore onto someone else and will set about getting a husband for this very purpose.

actually other than this laundry thing i am actually a very neat and tidy person - my house is usually spotless. its just my bedroom that is a jumble of chaos. Clearly i need a reason to take pride in my bedroom...

tinyhands said...

You should avoid putting wooden-handled cutlery and utensils in the automatic dishwasher, regardless of whether it has a labrador-setting or not.

MJ said...

Here's a time-saver. You're in the laundry room anyway. So if you lean up against the washing machine during the spin cycle, the vibrations will give you a cheap thrill. Therefore, you can eliminate the bean-flicking and have time for something else.

ChickyBabe said...

I NEVER buy clothes that need ironing, biggest time waster! I don't care if linen ever comes back into fashion, I'm not wearing it. Mind you, I handwash a lot of stuff...

frobisher said...

Well what a grubby little minx you are. I found the most shocking part of the post was that everything goes in the tumble dryer! Not very environmentally friendly and your clothes don't last that long due to constant rubbing (you probably have little "balls" on all your threads). I sometimes leave jeans a couple of weeks to get that "eau du rat" fragrance which drives people wild.

frobisher said...

I agree wholeheartedly about the "dry clean only" wank. In the machine it goes, survival of the fittest.

Die Muräne said...

I'm a little confused to read someone as important as you is doing low work like washing on your own... don't you have staff?!
Pretty dissappointing. Once more. But I'm almost used to it... ;)

awaiting said...

Around here, I get one wear. With all the darn babies and toddlers running about my feet....I just can't bring myself to walk around covered in shit for longer than a day.

wallycrawler said...

JJ you need to get laid !

Put that fuck'n vibrator away , go down to the pub , grab some young'n and plow his brains out and don't stop until you cum , HARD !

Then make another post !

I like the dog .

Pixie Sprinkle said...

Mummy you know perfectly well that your knickers double up as a dishcloth....

jungle jane said...

surely a labrador is not classed as an automatic washer? i never listen to advice like this - you are not supposed to put metal in a microwave and other than a small blast followed by a housefire there is no damage done there either

but i like to flick my bean in rooms other than the laundry which is cold, dusty and full of spiders. i could always move the washing machine to my bedroom - it would remove the need for a laundry basket and i could get rid of all my vibrators

Handwash? oh gees - no...i don't do that. the only thing i handwash is my hair

i am certain you can even buy such a spray on fragrance. just like jeans come pre-ripped i am certain that you can artifically recreate the stench of dirty jeans.

Die Murane
i like to remain humble. like the Pope. you know - stay in touch with the common folk. although i am sure that if i lived in the same country as my mum she would do it for me

its bad enough have a skid mark in your own pants let alone walking about for a day covered in your children's poo. I suppose you could simply pop the entire child into the washing machine??

I have a plan of great cunning. i am sooo getting laid before the end of the year. no youngsters though - anything under 45 doesn't interest me.

i'm not entirely sure i will be blogging about it though...somehow i think not....

have you seen the duster, sweetie??

~d said...

the only reason to ever wash jeans is if the hoo-ha smells or if they get too stretched out.

Tickersoid said...

One rule-
If the poodles keep sniffing it, wash it. Everything else is OK.

I do occasionally get freaky and have a white boil wash. It kinda makes you feel like Julie Andrews.

Egan said...

Paraguay kits get dirty often. Is there really a dog in that top photo? I don't believe it.

Hal said...

I usually don't do the laundry myself. When the time comes, it usually gets up off the floor and walks over to the washing machine by itself.

Hal said...

By the way, you can take a page from Howard Stern's Private Parts for a cheap thrill. Just lay a large stereo speaker on the floor horizontally. Then go to your receiver and turn the bass all the way up and the treble all the way down. Then play some music with a heavy bass line and straddle that puppy.

Adam said...

Holy moly that is a dog, not a towel. I want that dog. The shanagans I could play with a dog that can disguise itself as a towel.
That other dog needs to learn from the master though, he's not a very convincing plate.

PDD said...

It's amazing Janey, I do almost the exact same thing. We always have two baskets of clothes clean and folded. My husband makes a disaster out of them when he is searching for clothes. I usually end up folding it twice but rarely transfering them into the closet and drawers, mainly because we have to organize them in order to make room. I have done this on several occasions but since given up. It's my husbands turn. It will not be happening anytime soon if at all.

Funny, I am about to do some laundry, a lot of laundry, and I have to transfer one basket of clothing into the drawers in order to put the dirty ones in it so that I can carry them all to the laundry room.

Vince said...

Jane -- No, the maid is lazy. She takes stuff to the laundry mat for pressing, and charges me for it. I think I'll fire her. She doesn't do windows, and she leaves grease on the dishes, and I caught her sniffing my underwears.

~d said...

HOLY crap! Its one of those Shar Pei things! I thought *adam* was referring to the dog in the dishwasher, but for kicks checked it out.
(maybe I should be fully awake when I first comment)

jungle jane said...

Crap, I have 2 photos of dogs on one post and everyone gets confused and runs in circles? IT’S A DOG, PEOPLE. NOT A TEA TOWEL.

And do you bury your nose in the crutch and sniff deeply, or do the odour of gummy hoo-haa need to waft up to your nose on it’s own? If so, I could possibly stretch my denim usage out for at least another 5 wears. Thank you for this household tip Tilde – I now have heaps more spare time for bean flicking

Do you ever get flustered and accidentally white boil the poodles? I guess poodles will be very useful when it comes to mopping up spills and substituting a nice kitchen sponge? Do you use them much in your dishwashing?

What dog? What photo? Which Paraguay – you mean the one that LOST 1-0 TO US, THE GODS OF THE WORLD?? Sorry to be cranky – I was really hoping for a decent Argentinian bum spanking at 5:00am….

Your washing walks? Wow – do you ever ask it to make you a cup of tea while its up? If its got that much energy you should see if it will do the dishes too…

It’s a dog. Egan would disagree but you should ignore him. He doesn’t really read my blog anymore so he won’t actually notice

There are two solutions to your problem: firstly you might want to consider getting a whole new husband seeing as this one – whilst outrageously good looking – is creating too much laundry. The other option would be to purchase another laundry basket, however this could be a hassle (you have to go down to the shop and actually purchase it) and expensive (they cost at least $10) so therefore I suggest you simply sell your husband on eBay and purchase another.

This Iron Maiden of yours sounds terribly similar to what I imagine a wife is like. Wives are lazy, right? And sniff their husband’s knickers? Perhaps Tilde or PDD can assist us with this seeing as they are wives and know these things?

Is that what they are called? I just call them ‘those dogs that need to be ironed’. They are awfully cute but I am certain many a family has taken their pet out for a walk only to discover that they are towing the linen around on a lead?

barman said...

Jane, since I have seen you mention this on more than one occasion I thought I would pass along a link I found from a fellow blogger. I thought you might enjoy the picture.


barman said...

Sorry, that ends in /flick-ya-bean.html

And here is a link.

Chas Ravndal said...

i ironed my clothes coz I feel itchy if I dont. And very particular with clothes too. I tend to segregate stuff from this and that

jungle jane said...

my god - a fellow flicker. thank you - us beanies need to stick together. barman DO NOT CUT YOUR HAIR - the long look is totally cute

oh christ. you have seperate washes for whites and stuff right? and i BET you buy into all that fabric softner nonsense too, right? ohhhh now i feel all inadequate - not only can you cook like a dream but you know about laundry stuff too.

~d said...

I can roll with 'those dogs that look like they need to be ironed".
*where is le chit? I usually come here to repeat and bug him.

jungle jane said...

Tilde Le Chit is in fact female...i shit you not...

BEAST said...

Yo JJ , , we have matching laundry routines...how cool is that.I did have an ironing board (Well it keeps me little old mum occupied if she comes and stays)....sadly Mr C did something to it and it now has bandy legs and falls over if you show it the iron (much like Mr C really).
I have found an easy way to judge that grey area between can I wear it again and 'health hazzard'.
Throw the item at the wall , if it sticks , its time for a wash.
I bet Adam has to get his jeans off the wall with a chisel

Anonymous said...

I'm crawling out of the woodwork, having read your "types of blogger" post, which hit the mark so accurately it was scary.

All I can about laundry is that I have the disgusting habits of a bachelor, and my "that sock is dirty" rating is off the scale.

Die Muräne said...

I just thought about drinking and smoking so much... so until the end of the year I could at least look older then 45.... would that be of any help?

Tickersoid said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tickersoid said...

I have to boil wash the poodles occasionally as Surfer Dude has taken to mopping up his armpit sweat with Evil Chicken.

Hal said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
gav said...

I had a pair of jeans that didn't see a washing machine in 18 months.

In the end they just fell off me and became part of the environment.

~d said...

holla-n abt a totally diff subject. My sister. thank you for the support-shout out. Yeah, clean for how long? I appreciate your kind words.

matty said...

I'm not very domestic, but I taught Ing how to give a proper blow job yesterday by use of a beer bottle. She excelled in her studies!!! Of course, I think it was my friends advice that really pushed her forward. ...so to speak. I got it all in a photo! I know you're proud!

matty said...

Oh, and I can't iron

Maja said...

Sickeningly sweet photos in that post Jane. I spend hours putting washing away when I'm at home.. it's quicker at work as I have fewer clothes here.

Mone said...

all this laundry piles up and up and up and I never see the end of it... should get a maid too.

DorianGray1854 said...

Think I'd get bitten if I tried to dry my arse after a shower with him?

Karen Little said...

I believe in the armpit-sniff test. If the armpit smells ok, and there aren't any overly-obvious stains on the item, wear it.

Anita said...

Jane you are absolutely fucking disgusting.

Unfortunately I live in a place where it's already 90 degrees so anything I wear twice attracts gnats. Were I to wear undies it would only trap the gnats inside my vagina, and when you want men's tongues down there it's good to keep the hatchet wound free from gnats (apparently they taste bitter - ruining the delicate sweetness, I'm told).

Henri Banks said...

Did one of you guys took my laundry ?

Mongrel Porksword said...


You know of what you speak.

Jozee said...

I think people should pay extra to get their underwear sniffed.
Anyone seen Henri's laundry? He's goin' on a road trip.

It's not my turn to do it!