03 June 2006

Smoking

Dear Cigarettes,

Its taken me 20 years to see your true colours and frankly you stink.


There was a time when I was young and foolish and I thought I loved you – truly I did. But the slavery of our relationship has transformed love to hate and now it’s time for you to let me go – release me from this hold you have over my soul for once and for all. This time I mean it – you are no longer welcome in my life.

I’ve left you in the past and I was happy without you. Yet somehow you always managed to sweet talk me back – usually late at night when I was under the influence of alcohol or drugs. In my drug-crazed state I would think “Oh just one night won’t harm…I am over you…I will have my fun and walk away in the morning…its just for old time's sake”. And in the moment – yes, you were what I wanted.


Yet every time I gave in to you I would wake up the next day to find you still hanging around and I was powerless to resist you. And that’s when the guilt and shame kicked in, leaving me scared to tell my friends and family that we were together again. Dreading the look of pity and sorrow in their eyes. Sneaking around with you behind their backs for a period. But it was just a matter of time before I would openly be seen out with you and I would feel weak and ashamed.

You think I still love you? Well I don’t. I think of you and all I remember is fear, hate and insecurity. You never loved me – you abused me physically and polluted the air I breathed. I gave you so much time and loyalty and all you did was erode my confidence and manipulate me into believing that I couldn’t cope with life without you. You shamed me on social occasions, you disempowered me and you drained me of my energy.

Yet stupidly I stuck by you, wasting my money on you for the ‘pleasure’ of having you in my life. The hours I spent justifying our toxic relationship to my friends, loved ones and even myself. Even my cats hated you. Everyone else could see the damage you were inflicting on me yet like a fool I closed my eyes and steadfastly refused to listen.

Our relationship has seen years of needless suffering on my part while you slowly set about killing me and stripping me of my self-respect. The constant fear that you were going to give me some awful disease – the self-recriminations and the distrust every time I crumbled and went back to you sobbing like a baby. Well that was then and this is now. I don’t need you. I don’t want you.

Good riddance, Cigarettes.

Yours unfaithfully,

Jungle Jane
posted by jungle jane @ 10:52 am |

54 comments

<< Home