03 June 2006


Dear Cigarettes,

Its taken me 20 years to see your true colours and frankly you stink.

There was a time when I was young and foolish and I thought I loved you – truly I did. But the slavery of our relationship has transformed love to hate and now it’s time for you to let me go – release me from this hold you have over my soul for once and for all. This time I mean it – you are no longer welcome in my life.

I’ve left you in the past and I was happy without you. Yet somehow you always managed to sweet talk me back – usually late at night when I was under the influence of alcohol or drugs. In my drug-crazed state I would think “Oh just one night won’t harm…I am over you…I will have my fun and walk away in the morning…its just for old time's sake”. And in the moment – yes, you were what I wanted.

Yet every time I gave in to you I would wake up the next day to find you still hanging around and I was powerless to resist you. And that’s when the guilt and shame kicked in, leaving me scared to tell my friends and family that we were together again. Dreading the look of pity and sorrow in their eyes. Sneaking around with you behind their backs for a period. But it was just a matter of time before I would openly be seen out with you and I would feel weak and ashamed.

You think I still love you? Well I don’t. I think of you and all I remember is fear, hate and insecurity. You never loved me – you abused me physically and polluted the air I breathed. I gave you so much time and loyalty and all you did was erode my confidence and manipulate me into believing that I couldn’t cope with life without you. You shamed me on social occasions, you disempowered me and you drained me of my energy.

Yet stupidly I stuck by you, wasting my money on you for the ‘pleasure’ of having you in my life. The hours I spent justifying our toxic relationship to my friends, loved ones and even myself. Even my cats hated you. Everyone else could see the damage you were inflicting on me yet like a fool I closed my eyes and steadfastly refused to listen.

Our relationship has seen years of needless suffering on my part while you slowly set about killing me and stripping me of my self-respect. The constant fear that you were going to give me some awful disease – the self-recriminations and the distrust every time I crumbled and went back to you sobbing like a baby. Well that was then and this is now. I don’t need you. I don’t want you.

Good riddance, Cigarettes.

Yours unfaithfully,

Jungle Jane


Tickersoid said...

It gets worse, the stinking fag has been my lover also. I too have given him the push.

jungle jane said...

You can admit to liking fags, Tickers. You are in a warm, safe place here...

Henri Banks said...

You realy are going to quit? thats realy good news then now i realy can kiss you :-)with out bad taste hahaha

Denny Shane said...

I have had staples put in my ears, been hypnotised, taken pills, attached patches... wait a minute I need to light up here....

I wish you luck Jane... I have faith in you, and if you should fail, I'll still love you... but you will smell nicer if you quit. ;)

Pixie Sprinkle said...

Mummy must be having make-up sex. Unless that's someone else's lover burning in the ashtray?

jungle jane said...

I am a quitter. kissing may commence. right now.

well its nice that you are addressing your sex life (staples seems a bit over the top to me) but when are you going to do something about all those ciggies you smoke?

Sweety joints don't count. Mummy has already explained to you that weed and tobacco are different.

Erin O'Brien said...

You will be able to breathe.

You will be able to laugh without coughing.

You will be able to wake without coughing.

You will be able to take a flight of stairs without becoming winded.

You can do it.

You can do it.

You can do it.

I did in in '93. You will do it in '06.

Luv you!

BEAST said...

We can become quitting buddies...will you mail me your used patch's , threadbare knickers etc ??
I am creating a Jungle Jane shrine under the stairs.

Zen Wizard said...

Way to go!

Toby said...

Jane, breaking up via the internet is in poor taste. :)

I too have the love/hate relationship. I can not smoke for two days without any temptation, but it's the third that kills me. The third that one day will kill me.

Your post has given me some inspiration. Thank you and all my best wishes for your success.

Polyman2 said...

Bravo Jane!
Me and your lungs thank you.
They can't wait to be pink again.

barman said...

Jane, your lover has been cheating on you especially with all the young ones. Cigg will stop at nothing just to entice someone new.

I have been fortunate and have never been saduced but I have seen many friends who were not so lucky. Even my favorite auto machanic is no longer with us because of his love affair with ciggs. He died of lung cancer and do you think ciggarete even noticed?

I wish you well Jane on leaving him once and for all but should the unthinkable happen and you slip, I still love you.

Oh by the way, you are not only doing this for you but also for Pixie. Think of Pixie should you ever have a moment of weekness.

~d said...

YAY for you!
Keep stuff around to keep your mouth busy-hhahaha!

Vince said...

Jane, please let this be true that you are to quit--for I am publicly coming out of the closet on your blog. For I was first seduced by cig’s big brother the cigar on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. He was Cuban and I fell for his charms. A love hate relationship ensued and I became a whore, not satisfied until I had my mouth around the stems of every one of his siblings I could find. Long cigs, short ones, even ones circumcised without a filter: Cherry flavored ones, Indian ones, perfumed ones, thick ones, thin ones, and the dreaded Marlboro Man who broke me on his mountain. And just when I thought I was finally free, I succumbed in Australia and exploited myself to wild indiscretions that continue to this day.

I am a shameful harlot! But you give me hope. I have in front of me one last unopened pack. I shall ravish it for one last fling. Then on Monday, I will leave that life behind forever, and walk in the shadow of Jane; humbled not, but rather empowered with the energy of another human whom I know won’t let me down.

Sheri said...

Jane, good for you. I quit in 2000. It was toughest thing I ever did. Last summer while working at a Pub I started again - just one after work, while I have a beer. I hid it from family and friends. I felt guilt and shame. How could I do this after so many years? I finally admitted to them that I had started again. I had to face their looks of pity and shock. I will be starting Zyban on Monday and will quit once more.

I wish you luck my friend. I have faith that you will do this. I am here with you!

Hugs your way.

Anonymous said...

WOW! You've made me consider giving up again. I've said "after New Year", "In the Spring", "before the summer" so maybe I'll give up soon... after my exams!!

All the best though Jane, I'm guessin you've got big enuff balls!

jungle jane said...

Thank you. I know that you have heard me complain about this wretched love affair in the past and I want to laugh, walk up stairs and to wake up feeling free. That you have quit for 13 years and don’t seem to miss it one bit? That’s inspiring. Thank you my friend – I very much appreciate your words.

YES! LET’S DO IT. Does the shrine include wanton rooting and bondage? If so, I am totally the right quit buddy for you. I don’t have any patches but I do have a scabby old bandaid I can send you? Let’s do it, Beast. Let’s be cranky cunts together?

breaking up on the internet is all the rage. i would have done it via text message but the message was too long.

i am sure you can crack that third day - maybe do something on that day that makes it impossible to smoke? ummm...like get on a plane to Australia or something? two days of airflight are just what you need.

It’s a torturous way to go but the key is go. The bastard is soooo out on his arse and he can take his pal Zippo lighter with him

I like your pinks bits. I will think of them when I am tempted

You can tell me the truth – I can stand it. I see him flirting with little kids all the time. And old people. It sickens me. All young people ignore the perils until its too late – I guess they think that being 30 or 40 is not going to happen to them…let alone older.

There is not one single redeeming feature about smoking – it doesn’t even look cool. I am SO over it. I keep trying to tell Pixie how awful it is – but like all youngsters her attitude is “oh I will stop long before I am an old goat like you”

Thank you for your words and support Barman – I truly appreciate it

Um do you mean chocolate? Hehehe. Okay I can do that. Or maybe carrots? Ummmm…lemme see…how else can I keep that mouth of mine busy….thinking..thinking

Oh no – another victim. Is there anyone this bastard hasn’t fucked? Vince the cigar trap is awful too – you think it doesn’t count because it’s a bloody cigar. Eventually its cousin ciggies takes over and then you are on that slippery slope with only one direction to travel – down.

Monday is a great day to quit Vince. Let’s do this and claim our pride back. I want to skip about the place without being enslaved to a burning piece of stink that only serves to make me feel the way non-smokers do all the time. It’s a chain for life Vince – until we break it.

Ohhhh dear – we are in the same boat then. I totally get it – the embarrassment of finally admitting it…sneaking around paranoid that your breath stinks and someone will notice…they lying and denying. The sad thing is that usually people know long before we admit it. you really can’t hide something that stinks so badly, can you?

No more excuses – there will never be a right time. Seriously. You are not going to wake up one morning and just not feel like smoking anymore. The right time is NOW! I can lend you my large balls if you like? They are only causing a nuisance in my pants by crushing my ginormous penis.

~d said...

Sure, Jan. Carrots will do-umm, gum. I like gum b/c it goes in your mouth long and hard and comes out soft and wet.

The Taker of Gist said...

Your relinquishment of the ancient act of smoking has fulfilled only the latest part of my decades-old plan. Soon I will be able to capture the moon and convert its mass into energy.

Then I'll be happy.

gav said...

I hope to be breaking up shortly too.

Cold turkey, or are you using patches/gum?

jungle jane said...

Surely in that case it would just make more sense to suck dick? there's nothing worse than a stale bit of gum but i am sure that cock is re-usable?

you have such ambition for one who is a mere plastic bag. I admire that. Next stop the sun, huh?

Alan Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking. I urge you to buy it and read it. seriously. it will change your life.

Teach Yourself to Stop Smoking by Matthew Aldrich is also brilliant. Don't try to quit unless you've read one or the other...

they are both slim books - takes a few hours to read them...

~d said...

Jane amen, gurl! If you got it you can suck it than you can ride it than you can wish you had a smoke, so you can suck it again and start the whole ride all over! You are so SMART!!

ing said...

I dumped the c. a couple of months ago, I think. Sometimes, when I'm stressed out or drunk, I want him back. But no!

I want to be happy. I want my life to get better and better. It's tough to give it up, but then again, it's one of the easiest ways to improve one's life, quitting smoking.

Once I quit, I felt like I'd started on this roll & things started improving in lots of other ways.

Toby said...

Will you pick me up from the airport?

Le Chitelier said...

@Taker of Gist:
Dude, if you can manage to convert ANY kind of mass into energy, then you deserve the Nobel Prize.

ChickyBabe said...

Well said JJ! Mind you, I read this post late last night, and had a dream that I was smoking. And I've never been a smoker!

Mone said...

Jane, you go girl.
I still love my cigarettes, but what you wrote I could put on all the men that came into my life.
Maybe someone can repaire a body, but you cant repaire a heart.
I wish you all the best.

jungle jane said...

i know you will tell me the truth - is there any risk i might get addicted to sucking cock? i know what happened with ciggies - i would hate to have to give 20 blowjobs a day?

Wow! you quit! i didn't realise - i knew you were trying and at the time i had quit for 9 months. good stuff lovely Ing - you have made leaps and bounds in the past couple of months...i am truly very proud of you

i'm on my way. do you mind if i smoke in the car? just bongs though, not ciggies

Le Chit:
i think you might find our Gisty already has several nobel prizes. he's a very very clever plastic bag

Coming from an awesome writer such as yourself that is truly a wonderful thing to hear. not because i have turned you into a smoker in your sleep but because it seeped into your mind:-)

aw thank you - yes i think of it exactly like a bad, bad relationship that destroys every fibre of your being. the funny thing is that i have never actually been in a bad relationship...must be that i've watched my friends suffer and seen the similarity.

i heart you Mone.

Motor City Monk said...


I've been free of smoke since March of last year and I rarely miss it and can breathe without coughing now. The longer you go the more it becomes a way of life.

I also recommend some type of a regular workout, you'll feel stronger, healthier and less likely to relapse.

PDD said...


I am so proud of you!

I tried quitting numerous times with mild success.

A couple of months here, a couple of months there.

I learned how to knit in order to quit smoking; something to occupy my time and hands. I have made a beautiful wool cable knit sweater and other beautiful things. The wool sweater - I quit smoking began learning how to knit a wool cable knit sweater, got into the groove of it and then began smoking in the midst of it. I got right into knitting that sweater that I used to take breaks from it and light up.

I have been smoking for 15 yrs and I am only 29 yrs. How did you quit?

If you dont mind, I am going to use this letter for any future heart breaks.

I know I have to update my blog and comment more. I have been really busy. I think I might spend some time in blogger world tonight.

Congratulations Janey, Loreal told me to tell you you're worth it!

BEAST said...

Right your on , I have the alter built , all i need is the scantilly clad hand maidens....errm well Frobisher , Mr C and HArdhouse will just have to do , can I borrow pixie as a sacrificial virgin ???

Brookelina said...

I quit the fags quite a while back. They just take up all your money and scare the good men away.

Same with smoking.

Le Chitelier said...

LOL Brooke!

But Janey, Brooke is definitely right, cigarettes do scare away all the good guys!

~d said...

(thinking) 20 blowjobs a day could be a bit much...Will get back to you on this one!

tinyhands said...

In case you're tempted to replace one bad habit with another, DO NOT TAKE TO SLAPPING MIDGETS. Don't ask me how I know, just learn from my mistakes.

Anita said...

Congratulations, honey. You will soon be able to take bigger bong hits. And isn't that what life's all about anyway?

josh williams said...

I quit for the last time about 13 years ago after many failed attemts.You can not have just a few with beers, the cig monkey is right on your back whispering sweat nothings...You have the attitude that it takes to quit and the knowledge that you can't just sneak one, you will quit and think of the money you will save to invest in "projects" that might come your way? You have quit, you will be so very pleased with the final goodbye. JW

Henri Banks said...

and and and ..... Still not smokin ? weeeeeh i was visiting the handsome Erin and what did i see!!!? one of the best JJ pics i ever saw !! Thank you erin !!!

Toby said...

It's your car, and there's nothing wrong with bongs. Last week some new info came out that in fact, weed does not cause cancer. So we're safe for the moment, until the next news comes out saying it does again.

Anonymous said...

Are smokers aloud to serve at the Altar? If I'm prevented I may chew the band aid or start sucking cocks

Karen Little said...

It's called a breakup because it's broken. Wise words, Greg Behrendt.

Good luck, Janey! May the long, cold, lonely nights not be too much for you, and may you not turn turn to another life-sucking whore for comfort.

Egan said...

Can Anita sing you another song for this life changing event?

Qenny said...

That was absolutely brilliant! Allan Carr eat your heart out!

jungle jane said...

I've still quit but am in hiding for a couple of days until my foul mood wears off.


Le Chitelier said...

Don't worry Jane, we'll be here when you get back. I think quitting smoking is the best excuse for avoiding blogland. Just take you time and do your best to chill out. You can do it!!!!

morbid misanthrope said...

I'm here to represent Satan. My client had the following to say:

You'll be back. They always come back. Bwahahahahahahaha!

~d said...

Don't worry Jane, we'll be here when you get back. I think quitting smoking is the best excuse for avoiding blogland. Just take you time and do your best to chill out. You can do it!!!!

***it is so much fun to follow le chit around and repeat him!***


matty said...

I started smoking at 12. I quit at 21. I stil miss them. "B" smokes. It makes me want to go back to them, but I refuse.

...tho, I find it sexy to see him light up and take the smoke in.


If you really do plan to quit --- my suggestion is just to flat out quit and never look back. That is what I did.

It was cool to be able to taste food again.

awaiting said...

Wish I had that much courage to say 'good riddance', but franky, my cigars help pass the time.

That and a stiff drink.

BEAST said...

***pauses to slap midget***

ing said...

Y'know what I like about quitting? I used to need to run out to the alley several times a day to satisfy the urge. It was embarrassing to excuse myself and to know that everyone else was aware of why I was taking these extra breaks. I mean, sometimes what was going on in the meantime seemed like it should be more important that my urge to leave & smoke one down. I was enslaved.

Same with smoking pole. Don't replace the cigs with cock, Jane! Get that hole in the back of your head repaired, quick! (I speak from experience. But I remain a virgin.)

wallycrawler said...

I quit about 10 years ago and have never looked back . I hate those fuck'n things ! In a year the smell of cigs will make ya sick . The first 3 weeks are the worst after that clear sail'n . Good Luck Jane !

JJ if ya ever need some oral substitution I've got what ya need ! hehe

Jozee said...

Hope you're feeling better Janey.
Kisses and tea! <3

josh williams said...

When I quit for the last time I hid out for 22 years, boy did that suck!