24 June 2006

Re-cycle your old sex toys


The coat hanger
Retired black strapons look fantastic in the Hallway or in bathrooms. Never forget the rule: Style plus practicality = tasteful. Do remember to neatly trim the attachment belt off and I urge you to use matching black screws. Do not use your coat hanger as a towel rail or bathrobe hanger if it is made of jelly-like rubber – your garment will in all likelihood end up on the floor.



Bicycle Handlebars
I guess the only person interested in this would be
Egan. But just in case we have any other budding cyclists among us, the double dong is perfect replacement for your boring old metal handlebars. Make a statement! Announce your presence! Your style reminder here is not to simply attach your bell on the bellend – the testicles are usually squeezable and I recommend you slice them open and install an amusing foghorn inside.



The Mortar & Pestle
Your broken buttplug is perfect for crushing garlic, spices and peppercorn. Make sure you really have retired this little device though and are never tempted to bring it back into the bedroom. It is very difficult to orgasm with traces of chilli on your bean. Male readers be warned – your bum will smell of garlic if you multi-task your new pestle.






Toilet Roll Holder
Tired of granny’s knitted bog roll covers? Step into the 21st century and convert your ‘old favorite’ into a stylish bog roll holder. 6” dead vibrators will hold one roll and 9” will hold two. Do not use your old 14” whopper for this purpose as they are usually too wide and result in your loo roll getting stuck.



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Cake Icer
No one likes their cakes to be badly iced, do they? Put an end to those blotchy roses and squiggly lines – your old double thrusters is a perfect cake icer. Can also be used for biscuits, doughnuts and flans. And let's face it – it was fairly useless as a sex toy anyhow.

57 comments:

Brookelina said...

When I first saw all these photos I thought maybe you were having a garage sale. You know, lighten the moving load.

By the way, have I told you lately that I love you? No? I love you. Have I told you lately that you need to get laid? No?

You know what I'm going to say next.

Anonymous said...

My first vibrator was an electric toothbrush. Maybe I'm a reverse recycler.

I would like you to be my interior designer Jane.

Sheri said...

I love it Jane! I am not ready to 'retire' any of my sex toys though. They are currently being used on a very regular basis ;o)

Tickersoid said...

I used to have an old 3 ft long 'double ender' that was far too long to be of any practical use. However, with a bit of imagination, it's now fully employed as a draught excluder.
My old nipple clamps, now seal my freezer bags.

I'm with you Janey, waste not, want not.

MJ said...

I'm pleased to see you're doing your bit for the environment. You never see these things at swap meets and I've always been concerned that they were clutting the landfills. There should be some sort of environmental award in this for you, Jane. Eco-enlightenment!

Erin O'Brien said...

Thank you.

Thank you for being environmentally responsible and offering these brilliant recying tips. Why, just considering my Kodak-perfect suburban neighborhood alone, this will mean a significant tonnage of savings in landfill deposits.

Jane, you are indeed a noble woman.

BEAST said...

I havnt got any sex toys to recycle...except of course the Jungle Jane blow up dolly.
I feel deprived now!

Snooze said...

Those are brilliant suggestions. And to think I just threw my old vibrator in the trash.

Die Muräne said...

I still have this old little whip. I didn't use it much lately but it's always in this pot with salt water... ready to use. Now I need the pot for other stuff. So what way of recycling of the whip could you recommend?

Strow said...

Why is it i find I cant stop myself from coming back here.

You posts are a riot. If any of this stuff actually on the market. Some of it looks like it actually works

Vince said...

I saw that last one on eBay, only it was a whipped cream dispenser. I wonder if it can be rigged to shoot pellets?

jungle jane said...

Brooke:
Not even i would be crass enough to sell broken sex toys in a garage sale. This is why they are no longer broken sex toys. i have merely altered their labels to suggest that they are ordinary household items and they are selling fast. Of course it doesn't help me get laid. do you have any tips??

Sausage:
Reverse recycling is to be admired sausage. Pegs make lovely nipple clamp and fly swats are ideal spank paddles. I will accept the job of interior designer Sausage. Together we can make your house a home and get off at the same time.

Sheri:
There will come the day - you mark my words - when your toy collection will splutter and die. On that day i urge you to refer to this list - re-cycling earns you extra points in heaven you know.

Tickers:
Its a shame you are so tall - you could also have used that double ender as a walking stick. or maybe a stick to play 'fetch' with the poodles?

MJ:
Yes i believe that i should be honoured or recognised for my work. I was going to enter myself into the Australian of the Year competition, but i am leaving the country. Instead i will suggest to the queen that i receive a knighthood next year.

Erin:
Perhaps you can throw a few tea parties and suggest new uses for old toys with each other? not only will you be saving the environment but you will be developing a good community spirit. maybe you can even for a little committee of sorts?

Beast:
Your blow up dolly can easily be repaired using a bicycle puncture repair kit. Please try to use flesh colour, though - i don't want bits of black rubber slapped all over my body. ta.

Snooze:
oh dear what a waste. you could always go down to your local rubbish tip and rummage about for it? who knows what other perfectly good toys you would find?

Die Murane
I can help. The whip will be a perfect fly swat in summer. Although if it was me i would just use it as a whip.

Strow:
Oh all of these things will work, i am sure. you might have to put some work into the handlebars but its worth it in order to do your bit for the environment. And to think how stylish you will appear in the process - i am happy to be able to help.

Vince:
I like the whipped cream thing. I am not sure about pellets, but i am also experimenting with mine to see if it can serve the dual function of cake icer/enema.

awaiting said...

Low on cash and need a quick party game for your child's birthday?

No need to worry! Just grab the rings from that six-pack you had last night and the old dusty dildo you no longer use and voila!

It's ring toss time!

~d said...

I am thinking the butt blug-the mortar and pestle, would look real nice on my mantlepiece. Hell-whatever that shelf above the fire place is called. You know-one of those things people would look at and be like: hey, is that what I think it is?
**Jane, you OK, girl? Preparing for the move? How are the kitties?
d.blogspot@gmail.com

~d said...

Fuck. PLUG!

Zen Wizard said...

Where do you find this shit??

:-)

jungle jane said...

X:
Do you wipe the dildo down or is it not worth it seeing as the kids are likely to be full of icing and mud anyhow? I like this idea, X. it installs in children the value of re-cycling. You should get an award too. Here - have half of my award for Conservation.

Tilde:
Well doing the big move clean out has inspired all sorts of thoughts. i don't have a mantlepiece but i am certain that the mortar & pestle would look very attractive on yours. you could even spray paint it pink for an even more tasteful ornament.

all is okay this end - just a few highly stressful last second hiccups...but dealing with it all as best i can. i just don't feel all that funny at the moment though.

Zen:
well this shit should really be in all good household magazines. I am surprised that its not - every good housewife should know this stuff.

PDD said...

LMAO!!!!

Janey, you are so fucking brilliant it kills me.

I went shopping for a dildo once. It was a 12" (i think, maybe even more) rubber dick complete with veins. It was for a short film I wrote and directed (and produced and co edited, but that's not important. My ego can wait ;) While I was at the shop I kept throwing the sucker across the wall to see how well it bounced. I needed a dildo that could ricochet. It did and everyone was very confused as to what I was doing. I kept telling them the dildo was really for a film I was making but no one believed me.

I will never forget one drag queen that was shopping there. He had a buggy filled with different sex toys and gay porn videos. He was strolling with his buggy, filling it up while whistling. It was fucking priceless.

Jozee said...

I wondered what to do with my dead rabbit.

ChickyBabe said...

Why am I suddenly thinking of Jungle Jane making a guest appearance at Queer Eye for the Whetever Whatever...

I'm glad you recommended black screws for the first item. Very chic!

Egan said...

I should could have used those handlebars today. It would have kept me really stimulated. Ha.

frobisher said...

Instead of screwing the dildo to the wall you can now get ones with "suckers" on the back - which makes them far more portable.

These days I just pick up a traffic cone on the way home from the pub.

Toby said...

Rock out with your cock out.

josh williams said...

Some of those could be used for self defense. How humiliating to beat the shit out of a would (wood?) be thug with dried up used rubber dick.

BEAST said...

Can you get 'adult' accessories that fit a dyson ?

Karen Little said...

You know, I bought this thing I fondly call 'The Rocket' - it'a a silicone rocket-shaped vibrator. It doesn't work. The lube tasted nice, so I ate that, but what to do with The Rocket itself? It's too soft for the mortar-and-pestle, wrongly shaped for a coat-hanger, and I'm scared my dog will die a silicone-related death should I give it to her as a toy. Any suggestions?

world champ stephen neal said...

What about the "trailer hitch" model? Us American cowboys love that one.

jungle jane said...

Jozee:
Ah yes the rabbit. our equivalent here in australia is the koala. now i think the rabbit can be used as a child's toy? simply wrap it up and give it to one of your daughters for Christmas.

Chickybabe:
Style is, of course, very important. no sense in ruining a perfectly good coat hanger with ugly silver screws

Egan:
i am certain it would have influenced the outcome more favourably. and note i am NOT makiing and double dong/sore arse jokes here

Frobisher:
ohhhh i don't think traffic cones make very good coat hangers. my word, you must have a very large coat

Toby:
are you offering to be a real live hanger for my bathrobe? that would be very very generous of you, although you would need to sport a permanent erection.

Josh:
yes i believe that the ancient art of sword fight used to in fact be double dong fighting. its just that they couldn't show it on prime time television and so it had to change to swords. ridiculous huh?

Beast:
A dyson is in fact a sex toy. all you need to do is insert your mongrel into the tip and hit the 'on' switch. make sure that the device is set to full strength suck for optimum pleasure.

Karen:
Ahhhhh my old friend "the rocket". I suggest that you simply place the rocket on your mantlepiece, attach a small plaque and inform people that you went to the moon and purchased a little souvenier rocket in the space shuttle souvenier shop. Inscribe on the plaque "I went to the Moon and all i got was this lousy rocket"

Stephen:
i have never see a trailer shaped vibrator - this is entirely new idea to me. i will immediately go outside and start humping the first trailer i see.

fingers said...

I installed several of your inspired 'coathangers' in my foyer and for the last three evenings I've arrived home from work to find my girlfriend stuck to the wall like SpiderWoman...

gav said...

I swear I saw this in Woman's Weekly a few weeks back.

Jozee said...

WoW.

Toby's eyes no longer freak me out but his words do.

josh williams said...

Jane, you are right again.I hired some of my best head thinkers and they concur... you is correct.

Karen Little said...

That is quite clever. Thank you Jane. I'll tell them the ovoid thing they can see through the silicone is in fact not a vibrating egg, but the astronaut's... a thing he sits in. Fuck. What's that word again?

Karen Little said...

Oh yes - cockpit.

Anonymous said...

Me wants the cake icer. Yum, frosting.

Jesus Toast said...

ebay.

~d said...

OOh! Maybe a Day-Glo pink, even! WOO! I will be stylin now!
My first house warming gift was a beautiful bong we called a flower vase, and displayed IT on the mantle-until we needed it for other things.

Blonde Vigilante said...

I need a new toilet paper holder. hmmmmmm

Toby said...

Jessica Rabbit

matty said...

You know what upsets me? When I agreed to let them take that mold of my privates I had no idea that they would deny paying me my due! It was to be called "The Matty 2007" --- instead they gave me $50, a back rub and a hug. Then they painted my likeness black and named it the "toilet paper roller"

...I just want my share of the profits! You know? It is only fair! Last time I allow my privates to me caste for branding!

~d said...

I'm in toby...can you order in bulk?

Last Girl On Earth said...

Jane, do you have any ideas of how to recycle old PVC outfits that you've outgrown, or should I just donate them to the needy?

LAST GIRL ON EARTH

PDD said...

I want the Jessica Rabbit also.

The ears part is the best part. (At least I think they're ears)

Anonymous said...

It's an inferior product. They wear out quickly.

Nobody likes a dead rabbit. What would you recycle it into? An anti-Easter centerpiece?

Fuckkit said...

A couple of puffs I know used a dildo as a bog roll holder. I started taking my own bog roll when I realised the bog roll holder disappeared at bedtime.

Me said...

As usual, you are a genius! These suggestions kick Martha Stewart's ass. Of course, the first thing that popped into my head wasn't these thoughts... it was, wow, what would you have to do to "break" a butt plug!? Your so talented!

ing said...

Yes, how do you break that butt plug?

I had no idea that vibrators came with balls.

Or that Toby could be used as a coat hanger.

But I would like to insert a mister into the tip of the last one. It'd be a nice perfume dispenser. Fun to break out in the ladies' room when I'm out on a date.

~d said...

ing:
Toby can be used as a coat hanger? How did I miss that one?

Anita said...

Jane, I forgive you for not knowing that I am a raging leftist that rides a bicycle to work every day. This forgiveness is contingent on you sending me some handlebars. I would like pearly white streamers, please.

One of my college BFFs had a vibrator she stole from her mom that was manufactured in the late 60s/early 70s and was a plug-in model that made a loud whirring sound much akin to that of a hand-held mixer. She would carry it in her purse to parties and invariably it would end up in the hands of someone that, when sober, grimaced at the sight of it. Sadly, it met it's end when a cat chewed through the cord. That said, I believe that an old dildo best remains a dildo until something furry renders it useless.

That said, couldn't the double thruster also double as a turkey baster?

Polyman2 said...

Nice ideas Jane, you just saved another batch from exile on the Isle of misfit toys!

Toby said...

Polyman said it all.

mushroom said...

haha. We have a shop in sydney that advertises second hand adult books.

Gross huh, half price cos half the pages are stuck........

Jozee said...

Gee, I thought I was just too rough with my rabbit.

Toby said...

Becarfull Jozee.

Jozee said...

ha ha battery operated!

Egan said...

I don't know why I waited so damn long to read your actual descriptions. I love it. You're a real hoot Jane.

Mongrel Porksword said...

Lame! Lame! Lame!

The real thing is so much better. Im'm living proof.