13 June 2006

Skeeters

Alarm clocks would be a whole heap more practical if they sounded like mosquitoes when they were going off – the dentist-drill sound of a hungry mozzie is living proof that you really don’t have to be large to be effective.

Formerly known as ‘bloodsuckers’ until religious evangelists were invented, the mosquito literally means "little fly" in Spanish. I am not sure if this is similar to Spanish Fly – not even I could incorporate these whiny little bitches into my sexual repertoire.

Male mosquitoes are nectar eaters – it is only the chicks that suck blood. They tend to be attracted to overweight, fair-skinned human males and for all you dirty bastards out there that don’t wash, they also happen to love sweaty people and dirty feet.


Mosquitos have attitude – of that there is no doubt. Flailing arms do not deter them and hiding under the sheets rarely works either – the mosquito knows that at some point you have to come up for air. You are advised to let these scum drink their fill once they have started snacking on you – unless you kill them the persistent little fuckers will almost certainly return for more until they are full.

Mosquitoes are not just annoying – they also happen to be the deadliest animal on earth. The malarial parasite carried by them kills a million children a year in Africa alone. The little blood junkies (mozzies, not African kids) are largely unaffected by even the strongest anti-malarial drugs.

Notoriously lazy little cunts, most breeds fly less than a mile during their entire lifetime making them even more languid than the domestic cat. Unlike cats though, mosquitoes will never ignore you. It is unclear as to whether these little freeloaders have a valid place in the ecosystem at all – unless they were created simply to make flies seem more attractive. It appears that other than killing people and ruining sunsets on the beach, their only goals in life are feeding and reproduction.

The only amusing aspect of mosquitoes is that human male practitioners of penis puppetry can perform 'The Mozzie' – the act of squeezing around the base of the genitals so hard that the shaft looks like the stinger and the balls look like eyes.


That is all I have to say about these creatures. Goodbye.

60 comments:

JetSetPiggy said...

'The Mozzie'???

Dear fawking gawd. I've heard it all now.

Oh and Yay! I'm first!

And how about letting 'other' comment too? I fucking hate typing in that shitty blogger ID!

Please? Pretty please?

For Cute Wee Me?

I know you want to.

We'll love you if you do!

Send you cream cake and doughnuts and everything.

And promise not to fart in your mouth.

wallycrawler said...

Bats like to eat'm , I guess that's the only thing I could think there good for.!

Frig'n annoying bastards !

barman said...

Hey wait a minute here. Over here in Michigan they are very prevelant. As a matter of fact, I have a tshirt that has a large picture of one of them and it says "Michigan State Bird".

Don't go picking on my state bird! :)

ChickyBabe said...

Get a lizard in the bedroom. They eat the suckers!

gav said...

JJ you have a fantastic gift - being able to combine interesting information with unabated gutter-filth.

I very much like this.

In my opinion Funk & Wagnall would benefit from a chucking in a few 'cunts' here and there.

~d said...

We grow 'em so big in the swamp that kids put leashes on 'em and walk them as pets!

Zen Wizard said...

I admire your restraint--some guy showed you "the mozzie" and you didn't immediately offer to bear his child.

That must have been rough--it sounds like a really classy stunt; like something the Vanderbilts and the Rockefellers would do on Jekyll Island after getting tired of croquet.

I hope you didn't totally let that guy get away...

Anita said...

"If you think something small can´t make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room." -- Unknown

Wait a minute...YOU'RE SMOKING AGAIN!!! You haven't mentioned it! Please tell me you didn't start up again.

Jesus Toast said...

I love it when you inform me. Yoy are a teacher at heart. I love that about you, and your hearty outer vaginal lips. THose are the two things I like most about you, but I"m not sure in what order.

Polyman2 said...

Fucking blood sucking bitches- You know, the females are the dangerous ones.-what else is new.

Karen Little said...

I like the trick (although I've only eber managed to perform it once, when I was ten years old) where you stretch the skin surrounding the implanted mozzie, thus trapping its probiscus inside you. The poor little tyke then has no choice but to carry on sucking and sucking, till he pops! Hurrah!

Of course, you'll have an itchy bite from hell, but the mozzie's painful death will more than make up for it.

BEAST said...

OI....only here to eat and reproduce...

WHATS YOUR POINT ?????

****looking around for something to chew on or mount****

BEAST said...

Jetsetpiggy Janes a bitch , send the cream cakes to me

Egan said...

This blog has become tired. I demand more frequent posts. I mean really, it's not like you're busy or anything. Give my best to Ian.

Anita said...

HAHAHA! Egan is attempting to DEMAND something from you! HAHA! Whew! Oh god! (wipes laughter-induced tears from corner of eyes.)

Vince said...

I came across a breed in Okinawa that had learned to squeeze through the mosquito nets...So we tried to rid them with candles, but Marty who had just eaten 10 bananas and a birthday cake farted and lit the tent on fire. (no, we were not on Dirtyback Mountain.)

jungle jane said...

Piggy:
Waaaaaaaaa I can’t allow anonymous because it means I would have to enable word verification and that shit is a pain in the arse for the rest of the gang. What I can do is twirl prettily and eat your cake? I can do Wee Cute too…just not as gracefully as you.

Wally
Bats eat mozzies? Wow – see this blog is full of educational shit. Betchya none of yous knew that. I am gonna go get me a pet bat in that case and just hope its not one of those vampire bat thingys

Barman:
Even better still – how about I place a homing device in Michigan so that all mosquitoes of the world fly back home to Daddy?

ChickyBabe
I have a resident huntsman. He has big spider eyes and a mean look in his eye. I think I may have accidentally scared him off though – he’s not been around in a while. Either than or he saw me nekkid and ran away

Gav:
You can never have too many cunts. John Howard knows this and keeps it in mind when selecting a cabinet. It doesn’t make him entertaining – possibly he needs to take his clothing off in public more often. I will write in and suggest it.

Tilde:
Do they make great pets? Can they do tricks? Do they play ‘fetch’? do they sit on your lap when you are watching television? I wonder if you have to bath them like dogs? Bugger cats – my next pet is a mosquito. I will get a female and name it Tilde in your honour

Zen:
I have only seen the Mozzie performed in a DVD I bought. I would like to see this in real life. Please perform the Mozzie for me and take pictures Zen? We can post them on your blog and on mine. Please do this Zen. For me. For America.

Anita:
I am weak – I am secretly seeing my old lover. His bags are packed though – I am definitely going to kick him out soon.

Toastie:
I am here to inform and educate. I could combine these skills and make an educational glove puppet out of my hearty outer lips? And use a fun, silly voice for my teachings? What I love most about you is that the toast is not overcooked.

Poly! Poly! Poly! Welcome back – I missed you. Yes most unusual that. Usually anything female is so…um…placid

Karen:
Wow what a fantastic idea! As usual you have a most excellent tip to impart. I cannot wait to try this trick – it will be even more fun than feeding alka seltzer to seagulls to watch them explode. Even better still will be to get someone else to offer their arm up so I don’t get itchy bumps. Although if I do get bitten I will simply drink heaps of whiskey so that I can’t feel the itch.

Beast:
Do you think you can do the two simulateously? Eat and hump? I bet you could beasty. I bet you could even pull off humping the same thing you are eating. I want to see you do this beast. Please arrange photos.

Egan:
Suck my dick. All I have to say to you is 3-0.

Anita:
Its okay – I hit him where it hurt. I know exactly how to make him go running out the room bawling for his mummy.

Vince:
Man-love is fine Vince. You can be open here – it’s a warm, safe place in which man-love ins much encouraged. What I cannot condone is lighting a candle under a mozzie net. Fart or no fart. I am certain the safety instructions would say “do not light candle under net”.

Brookelina said...

I think I'm on the wrong blog.

Zen Wizard said...

Uh--the future of the Republic demands that I squeeze my own genitals till they are unnaturally blood engorged and take a picture of it?

I thought our Roman ancestors had it rough. I don't even think Caligula demanded anyone execute "The Mozzie." And if he did, I don't think he demanded a papyrus self-portrait with the other hand...

I am trying to see how that would help the War on Terror.

Not seein' it.

I will keep pondering this, however--even though it is very painful and humiliating to even think about.

wallycrawler said...

Ya we have "Bat House's" all over the place over here . I have one in my back yard . I dunno if any bats are in there this year , I guess I should check , eh ? The bats eat those disease ridden blood suckers !

Pixie Sprinkle said...

i love mosquitoes! they make such yummy bar snacks.

awaiting said...

Dang, around these here parts, all we's got is skeeters. Those suckers love coming out at night when you are sitting on the porch enjoying a cold one. Freaking cunts! All that swatting, might as well go indoors....or invest in a shitload of Cutter's.

Tickersoid said...

That's another good thing about blighty, not too many mossies. The steel works has loads of them mind you, on account of the lagoon areas being a breeding ground.

Maja said...

I get bitten by those little fuckers all the year round. Even now, when it is freezing cold in the kimberley (well, it's 10 degrees at night, and it's never gotten this cold at night up here on record before), I am still getting stung on ridiculous places, like the soles of my feet. The soles of my feeT! Crazy.

If I could press a button and make them all disappear, I would.

I really can't see how they're useful to the ecosystem either. I think that they have proliferated to plague proportions only because of humans.

jungle jane said...

Brooke
Everyone is welcome on this blog other than mosquitoes. You are definitely in the right place. I think.

Zen:
all i hear is a HECK of a lot of making excuses. Your country needs you and you are too shy to do the Mozzie? Well shees. Next time you are hoping for a christmas present i hope santa reminds you of this.

Wally:
So. The disease ridden bats eat the disease ridden mosquitoes who eat disease ridden people. Gee. almost like a full circle there.

Pixie:
Those are peanuts sweety. And you shouldn't be drinking beer until you are 41.

X:
Exactly - they disturb peaceful warm nights with their constant hungry bellies. why don't they eat the family cat instead? cats can't swat them and i am certain they are tastier than my poisenous blood

Tickers:
i am not coming to blighty to get bitten by midgies. let's make a deal: you keep the mozzies at bay down in wales and i will keep drinking beer in London. Fair??

Maja:
FUCK! that's insane! the soles of your feet? jesus that must be some drill they have on their noses. god there is no way of getting rid of them either unless you are prepared to smear yourself head to toe in stinky lemon oil. Bludging little bastards

Mone said...

I have bats under my roof. I intendet to let them have their freedom. But if they really eat those bloodsuckers I'll catch one or two and have them living in my bedroom.
Should I send you one or two over Jane?

jungle jane said...

Mone yes please send the bats but please make sure they are sober. My poor dogs STILL have a hangover from your last little party. I don't want drunk bats Mone. Only sober bats.

Karen Little said...

The trick is to approach the insect from the rear, so that she can't see your fingers approaching. Also, try drinking whickey before the event - this will secondarily intoxicate the little bitch, making her drowsy and slowing down her reflexes.

zen - you know, middle eastern soldiers jack off with a thin rod of brass or silver in their urethra to heighten their pleasure (I know because Chuck says so) and thus fight the Americans better - the least you could do is perform the mozzie.

ing said...

Hey, if a dude performs the mozzie and inserts his proboscis, can we then stretch the surrounding skin and make him swell up? That might come in handy. How long do we have 'til he explodes? More than five lousy minutes, I hope. . .

hardhouse said...

It was only ever going to be the females. Blood sucking bitches!! A pattern you can see right through the myriad of all animals.

Top Tip: Eating plenty of Marmite - Vegemite to you guys across the waters - is the best repellent

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marmite#Mosquito_control

Mone said...

Well Jane I'll see what I can do on that one.
I acually planed to allure them in my bedroom with just a little sugary alcohol...
Now I need a new idea!

jungle jane said...

Karen:
You know, I am starting to think Zen is not committed to his country. I mean i am perfectly prepared to drink whiskey ALL DAY LONG for this...in fact maybe we can even apply your Mozzie skin stretching theory when Zen obliges? But more importantly, we need you answer Ing's query...

Ing:
Oh Ing i can always rely on an academic to raise the real issues. Perhaps Karen Little - our resident medical expert - can help. Karen, how long can we reasonably expect a man to survive if we apply Ing's theory? more than 10 minutes? and will he explode with a messy large bang or do you think he would just seep blood all over the place?

Hardhouse:
Yes funny how all the animal kingdom follows this pattern except for humans? weird, huh? I have decided that not only will i eat vegemite, i will smear it over my entire body before i go to sleep at night. Thank you hardhouse. Together we can win.

Mone:
no! no! no! bad mone! you MUST stop getting the entire animal kingdom drunk. there is NOTHING worse than drunken bat vomit all over your clean sheets. There must be another way Mone. Shall we try drugs??

josh williams said...

Here in Indy we suffer not from a paucity of obese white men, so our skeeters are big! In fact they have grown so large they can fuck turkeys! Thanksgiving is going to be very interesting this year.

Anita said...

Wait. What happened? I don't come for a few hours and now Mone is getting bats drunk and Zen is doing the Mozzie? Christ.

I have not seen the mozzie, but I have seen "the brain" - it looked very painful.

I also like the trick where M&Ms are catapulted off the end. Cute.

~d said...

Skeeters. I always though a skeeter was a skinny-ass joint. Like SKINNY ass. As for the Mosquito pets. I haven't seen many of them play fetch. But they are very sneaky-hide and seek seems to be their game of choice-I think Anita mentioned they will find you in the dark under your bed sheets. Its TRUE.

Karen Little said...

With the human male probiscus, the skin should not be stretched, but in fact squeezed. This is where those nasty little 'cock rings' come in handy. Should enough squeezing be done, the man should last indefinitely. Be warned though: if he lasts too long (I can't remember if it's more than two or more than twenty four hours), the blood in the probiscus will coagulate, and it will die. And then he'll never last again.

Toby said...

A bunch of years ago I went up North with my bro and another friend fishing. My bro didn't live up there yet so we stayed at one of his friend's trailer. My bro slept in the trailer and me and my friend slept in the van. One night after spending about 3 hours killing all the mozzies and falling a sleep, my bro opened the sliding side door of the van and let in no less than a million more of them bastards. My friend who owned the van was so pissed off we left right then. It was about 3am. and we were supposed to stay for another 2 days.

jungle jane said...

Josh:
I personally prefer fucking chickens. I will try turkey this year. I am just not sure i would want to eat it afterwards. I do like to eat cock once i've fucked it though...

Anita:
Mone's little hobby is getting wildlife drunk. We want to make it a sport. Next time we are going to try and get an elephant drunk. and then catapult M&M's off its trunk

Tilde:
I am going to get some mozzies and teach them to fetch the newspaper for me. I might even get rid of my cats if it all turns out well.

Karen:
I believe that a cock ring should not be applied for longer than 20 minutes. i assume this is because of the bursting testicles syndrome - something about cutting off blood supplies?

Toby:
So....did you catch any fish??

~d said...

Hey you beautiful gurl you!

I have to keep my cats b/c I have never seen a cockroach since I have had them.
I have seen cocks.
And I have seen roaches...
I LOVE YOUR new AVATAR!
You are a TRUE beauty!

Toby said...

Not a single one. It poured rain for about a week before we got there and the one day we fished the lake was in turmoil. We hit the strip club. After that I ate acid and drank all the beer, about two cases, in about 4 or 5 hours. Everyone hated me except my dog, so we went into the woods and got lost. Not lost-lost, just lost away from everyone who hated me.

It's not easy to get beer there. Especially back then. You had to drive about 20 miles to a store that rapes the wallet. Otherwise drive about 40 miles to a town that only fondles the wallet.

jungle jane said...

Tilde:
awwwww thank you! i need to keep a lower profile these days what with having a fancy new job and all.

My cats do not interrupt their slumber for cockroaches, yet funnily enough they go nuts for lizards. weird beasts.

Toby:
awwwwwww you sound like you needed a hug back then. at least your dog still loved you. that would like totally suck to have no beer and a dog that was hating you. you know you have to be a right cunt when even your dog foresakes you.

Toby said...

Sara was a great dog. She loved everyone unconditonally. A black lab in the finest form. She loved the lakes too.

A water dog to the fullest. It was difficult to keep her out of water if there was any near by.

She was my dog first, but I had to give her to my bro because I lived in a place that was not fair to her. My bro moved up north for the first time and gave her to a guy who had a lake in his back yard. Again, thinking only about the dog.

A few years later my bro was married and I had not seen Sara in as many years, but when she saw me she "Smiled" and ran at me like she knew me and missed me. I know she did. As much as I missed her.

She ended up with an unoperable tumor in her back leg and died peacefully in the woods near a lake way the hell up north. She's burried with a Tamarac planted on her grave.

Excuse me while I sniffle a little.

jungle jane said...

awwww Toby that is a really sweet story - i love that she remembered you and still loved you even though she was given to someone else.

i am just about to leave my cats behind in australia for 5 months while i am moving over to the UK. they are joining me when their immunisations are finished in December. I am terrified that they are going to forget me or be happier with the people looking after them. i am going to cry buckets when i get on that plane knowing i won't see them for so long...

Loudlush said...

Mozzies, shmozzies. If you want hardcore bloodsucking insects you need to experience the horror of the NZ sandfly. You will be scratching bits of skin a month after being skewered (and believe me, I'm talking bits that you would think have never seen sunlight.. these bastards aren't fussy.. or maybe they are).

Toby said...

I feel for you. Cats are another subject completely. Five months is a long time, but I'm sure your's will never forget you.

barman said...

Uncle, uncle ... stop sending all the sketters to Michigan. I gave two pints and that was just a quick dash to my car.

barman said...

So how did the cats do when you came back after the state side visit Jane?

I think the cats will remember you but they may give you the cold sholder for a while. Maybe you can set up a WEB cam and visit virtually!

matty said...

I most hate mosquitos when they look (or smell) like Jeff Goldblum. Tho, I am not really sure of how he does smell -- I suspect it is not a very nice odor.

where I grew up, in Texas, there were giant flying roaches that were really aggressive. They got up to about 4 inches in length and would chase you.

...I got chased out of the bathroom one night after a shower -- it went straight for the pubic area. Most worrying.

josh williams said...

Set up a little bird feeding station outside your new digs, and the kittys will not only remember you they will really dig hanging at your pad with kitty vision just out the window.I here that wildbirds are a big hobby in the UK so just set up your entertainment center and the kitty's will be happier than ever! This aint no shit, they are going to fall tail over paws over you all over again.

~d said...

They won't foget you. They will be pissed. Or at least MINE would be. But forget you-never. Leave them a sock (or panties) something that smells like you. Sounds goofy-but I would.

welcome to wallyworld said...

This has got to be one of the rudest blogs I've ever read. Do you have to bring the penis into everything? I think you need to have a good hard look at yourself. And visit my fine blog to see how blogging can be done tastefully. I particularly recommend the 'Shoot the Shit" chat-room where you'll find a bunch of Sydney deviates beating themselves off...I mean "up" whilst i observe here in Paris. Start with "Make your own Bollywood Movie" thread. Cheerio. lambe, paris

ChickyBabe said...

JJ is about to become more famous:

http://blogs.smh.com.au/mashup/archives//004872.html

So what is it again that you do to chickens?? I'm running as fast as I can! Buk buk buk...

jungle jane said...

Loudlush:
But can you keep this NZ bug as a pet? I am starting to change my view on mozzies - maybe they can be put to good use in the home. I am sure they could be cuddly creatures if trained properly.

Toby:
They are fickle beasts - i suspect that they will love whoever is dishing food into their bowl. I am not so sure they will like being luggage on a 24 hour flight. i think they will love english winters though as it legitimises their excessive sleeping

Barman:
I am going to send the New Zealand sandfly your way too. It's a pleasure! The boys were fine after the US jaunt - it was only a few weeks but they were very happy to see me after a short period of hostility

Matty:
I am not sure whether Jeff smells like a mozzie? wouldn't that just mean that he smells of blood? oh dear - i quite fancied him up to that point. I know what you mean about being homed in on the groin area - its bad enough when dogs do it, let alone mosquitoes

Josh:
I am not sure that you remedy is entirely enviromentally friendly. do remember that kitties love the taste of fresh bird - when they can be arsed to get up and catch one. maybe i can decorate my birdbath with ornamental birds? Or ducks...how about ducks??

Tilde:
I don't think my house sitters want my knickers lying around the place. i can ask them - just in case - but i have the feeling that the answer is no.

wallyworld:
of course its rude - i prefer to keep tasteful for my dinner. i can only be hope to be as tasteful as you - buts lets not hold our breath:-)

ChickyBabe:
yes i just saw that - one ex colleague is going to get spanked. i am undecided if it is good or bad but at least it comes with a health warning. I dunno about being 'rude' though. i like to think this is a family oriented, educational type of blog.

Mone said...

I made a nice drugcocktail last nigth and put it in my waterpipe. The smell of it made the bats come flying in my bedroomwindow which I closed rigth after. They sat next to me and apperad very peasefully. We smoked together a bit and they started to look for a place to hang. Somehow I fell asleep too and this morning I couldnt find them anymore. Unfortunately I needed to run and leave them by themeselfs in my bedroom.

ps. I hope they wont start chewing on my green plants in there!

ing said...

Yet one more argument for the usefulness of hemp. Attracts bats, which eat mosquitos. Hmmm.

Denny Shane said...

It's all Noah's fault for taking them on that Ark.

BEAST said...

Talking of eating what one has mounted....Jungle Jane smeared in vegemite (please use marmite / vegemite taste like shite)

YUM YUM
ASSUME THE POSITION BABY

Toby said...

Hey! I didn't post that comment about "the rudest blog around."

jungle jane said...

Mone:
oh lordy me lordy me. the animals of the world are really not safe from from you, are they? i will never take you to the zoo Mone - never.

Ing:
So if my pot crop turns out bad i can simply use it to attract bats? sort of like re-cycling??

Denny:
i am sure Noah probably thought that they might be useful at the time. mind you - he thought that about flies too

Beast:
vegemite is an acquired taste. its full of protein too. give it a try - its really good for you. gee - i always wanted to say that to a bloke

Toby:
oh yes I know - and i can also tell you that you are way better looking than australian men i know called Toby:-))

Toby said...

Good. You're way better looking than this freak.