20 June 2006

Pull my finger

No matter what nationality, culture or religion you are the common bond that all humans share is shit-flavoured air.

The fart is merely a wise burp that took the elevator, yet the social reaction to rectal emissions way transcends loud accoustics and a horrifying smell. It is difficult to know why such a pleasing pastime can be so vilified by so many people – after endless scientific research I can only conclude that farts are embarrassing firstly because they fucking stink and secondly because of the risk of gravy-pants.

My scientific research concluded that 'killing a canary' is considered disgusting when performed by vegetarians and fat people, yet humorous when performed by the dog. It is not clear as to why human beings ask each other who farted in a social setting and it is certainly a mystery of science as to why people sitting in hard plastic chairs still attempt a silent fart.

Society’s attitude to farting really is hypocritical when you consider what an entertaining pursuit it is for all of us when conducted in private – not only does everyone like the smell of their own death breath, but thunderingly loud panty-burps are enormously satisfying and soothing for all of us.

This leads me to conclude there are two entirely conflicting genres of farting: the first being your own farts where you are the star of the show and the second is someone elses farts in which you are the hapless spectator.

Usually in public most of us will try to avoid an obvious trouser cough by attempting the Stealth Fart – it is difficult to retain your dignity if you 'step on a duck' in company. If you do commit a social fart pas however there are really only two ways to deal with the ensuing discomfart:

  • You can ignore the fart and pretend it never occurred. Personally I do not employ this approach because the embarrassment remains with me, the farter. Unless you have a chair nearby to scrape on the floor or another handy fart-like sound at your disposal to employ as a decoy, do not ignore the Fart Accompli.
  • A better tactic is to loudly draw attention to the fart to emphasise that not only have you have broken one of society's universal taboos but you are hugely proud of your efforts. The re-affirmation of your fartality neatly transfers the embarrassment from the farter to the audience.

The average human being farts 12 times a day. That’s approximately 350,000 farts per lifetime. Approximately one fart in 10,000 results in a shart – although this number increases with age. Approximately 1 fart in 100,000 will result in a complete ‘follow through’. This means that we will shit our pants approximately 3 times each in our adult lifetime. I personally have 2 to go.

I am quite happy to blog about the time I crapped my pants but as a good host I think it's only right that y'all tell me your poopy-pants stories first.

99 comments:

Erin O'Brien said...

Once as a child, I scooped the offending matter from my diapers and smeared it with glee all over my nusery walls and myself, taking care to ensure it filled my ears and the spaces between my toes.

To this day, I enjoy walking in very wet mud, wherein I can feel the muck gush between my nether digits.

Love, Erin

Adam said...

Who the heck determined the statistics of fart vrs crap ratio? Awefull job to that would be, as if statistics isnt bad enough, your a statician who measures farting probabilties. I guess it could be conversation starter mindyou, but besides that not many plus sides to that job.

jungle jane said...

Erin:
childhood poop is part of being a kid. we roll in it and giggle for ages. adult poop is entirely different - unless of course we are over 60. then we roll in it and giggle for ages

Adam:
there are dudes that do this. they survey people to find out how many times they crapped their pants as adults and why. there are also people who have whole careers in farting. you do not wish to be married to one of these people.

Toby said...

Jeez Jane, I can only imagine what made you post about farts.

I was sitting at my desk at my last job and let a silent but deadly one go. I had been sitting there all alone for hours and sure enough straight after I let it rip my boss came into my office. I'm sure he thought I shat myself. He didn't stay for long.

I'm only 37, I have three to go. Hopefully they'll all happen when I'm too old to know any better.

jungle jane said...

Toby i believe that is called the SBD - silent but deadly. Thing is, when you start those you end up pickling in your own fart juice. the lingering smell can take 15 minutes to vanish. I am certain your boss knew - its a bit like smoking - you can never tell how bad the smell is when its on yourself but to the outsider you simply reek.

JetSetPiggy said...

I love farting. Especially those one's that you can feel bubbling away beforehand. I like to keep them in until I'm sure there's enough to knock out a herd of elephants.

Then let them out under the duvet just as Tazzy is falling asleep - sort of like a gentle push into dreamland.

*still wishes you'd let 'other' comment*

Mone said...

the best if it happens in public is to let it out... making an disgusted face and asking really loud "Who in the world let this happen?"
After that you need to make eyecontact with everybody, so as if you are waiting for an answer...

Brookelina said...

There are few things funnier than a dog farting. Especially when it looks around trying to place the blame on the humans in the room.

I never fart. Or shit. Or even burp for that matter. I am a dainty little blossom and such filthy emissions horrify my delicate sensibilities.

Toby said...

Coming up next: The queef.

Toby said...

Brooke's going to explode when she's 65.

awaiting said...

My husband had this habit of whenever his ass went to the bathroom to take a pee he'd start farting away. I'm not talking a lil poot....I am talking serious multiple house-rocking farts. Sounded like a dang machine gun going off. When I first heard him do it I actually ducked for cover!

jungle jane said...

Piggy:
yes a brewed fart is always a precious thing. my scientific research told me that holding them in does not remove them. they simply park. and accumulate. i love a nice stinky brewed fart. but only my own.

Mone:
ohhhhh - you like to blame the fart on someone else? oh i admire that. not only do you get to drop your deadly bomb, but someone else becomes uncomfortable and therefore gets the blame. nice work mone. nice.

Brooke:
cats farts are funny too. cats adopt a lofty air and ALWAYS pin the blame on someone else. usually a human. cat fart is particularly bad because it has that fishy undertone.

of course none of this would make any sense to you because angels in heaven do not fart and therefore cannot tell the smell from the garbage.

Toby:
queefs are odour free. i think. and yes - nobody light a match near brooke when she is 64. she will be a ticking time bomb. although i think she is a secret pooter. i think she is just being coy. i am certain that brooke conducts the poot, sniffs the air and marks her score out of 10.

X:
fuck. yes. the machine gun volley. at least he stored them up and waited until he was in the loo. you do not want 4 kiddies emulating their daddy's fart habits, right?

Lippy said...

Another good reason why open plan offices are an anathema. Men's offices smell like badger sets at the best of times, why they should be permitted to spread the stink more liberally is a mystery!

Toby said...

I was with this girl when I was a teenager and she stunk. I pulled her jeans to her knees and she smelled so bad, like road kill, I rolled over and went to sleep. She began to cry and so I told her to leave. Then she got mad and demanded I "make it hurt like Billy does." Who the fuck is Billy? I didn't care. I ignored her and she left. So technically I didn't smell any farts from her meat curtains, but I'll bet the farm they would kill a cow. I saw her a bunch of years later and she was a full blown crack addict. She's probably dead by now. I'm guessing if the crack didn't kill her she rotted from the inside out.

Vince said...

I’ve sat with buddest Monks who could channel farts through their belly button. Smells like a sweet Musk.

MJ said...

Rumour has it that Tazzy has taken to wearing a gas mask to bed to cope with Piggy's colonic calliope.

Brookelina said...

Pull my finger.

Anita said...

Christ what sort of skanks is toby hanging out with?

Anyhow I meant to inquire about your use of the word "y'all" in the last sentence. Where the hell did you pick that one up? I mean, I use it but I'm from Atlanta.

P.S. I have a pet barking spider.

Toby said...

I didn't realize she was a skank until her jeans were around her knees. She was pretty good looking and was clean in apperance. It was long ago, probably 20 years ago. My taste and sense of smell have much improved since my overly horny teenager days.

~d said...

Hmmm.
Adult shit stories and/or farting stories...can we do the queefs yet?
Those are always humorous when with someone for the first time...its like: O, you put the air in there...its gotta come out!
Farts...I much prefer burping. LOUDLY and LONGLY. (is longly a word?)
Shit. I thought I was going to shit when I had kids-but I did not. That is my shit-less tale.

~d said...

O, and I am the one who tells little children to pull my finger-even though I cannot fart on demand...just watching their expressions is priceless b/c HELLO (egan!) I am a CHICK!

Egan said...

Tildé - you're a chick? Mon dieu. All this time I've been commenting on your blog thinking you were a dude. My bad.

Toby, truly.. what the fuck was up with that story? Maybe a bit too much information? Keep it in your pants man.

jungle jane said...

Toby:
i am speechless. utterly devoid of words.

Vince:
it sounds like they just had stale belly button fluff?

MJ:
i have a gas mask. its pleasures have nothing to do with farts. i guess that might be a whole new blog post??

Enita:
i went to america once. i am therefore an expert in your language. a y'all in the hand is worth two in the bush. as such.

Toby:
i am sure none of us knew a skank from a skunk when we were 15. perfectly understandable.

tilde:
yesss bring on the queefs. but not in front of the kids. we have all done the embarrassing queef thing haven't we? and you can NEVER blame it on the dog, eh?

jungle jane said...

Egan:
okay. now i am guesssing - are you a girl or boy? i am guessing girl? but i could be wrong. gimme a clue?

MJ said...

Please do a posting on fetish gas masks. The pictures alone are worth a thousand words. Or just ask Piggy to send a pic of himself wearing one of the many that hang in his collection

~d said...

Frig ASS! egan-you switched my accent!

Jane, he must be a girl...or a total GEEK b/c who else would be so concerned with my effing ACCENT!

Umm, no, no blaming the queef on the dog-you can blame it on the pussy, though!

jungle jane said...

mj:
how about a joint post in which piggy and his masks are the star? i could even do an audio recording him fart? i think this could be a beautiful moment - as long as piggy doesn't expect royalties or anything?

tilde:
egan is full of fancy pantsy french shit. i am not even sure he/she speaks french. polish mebbe. but not french.

MJ said...

I'm not sure there's enough memory space on your computer to load a Piggy fart. But yes, brilliant idea.

Egan said...

I'm all man! Knowing how to make accents on a PC doesn't make me geeky. It's my job yo!

~d said...

I don't know, egan. Jane is a GODDESS and well, I am not going against the word of a Goddess! Yo.

Blonde Vigilante said...

When I fart at my desk...9 out of 10 times it doesn't stink. But, then there's the times where it smells like rotten diahreah (how the fuck do you spell that?) anyway...I'll get up out of my chair and move my hands around as if it is going to make it waft away. I'm sure I am a fucking riot to watch.

Thanks for this post. Fucking hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Farting in the bath is fun as long as you don't shart... and it smells different!

FLAMINGO1 said...

I walked into the bathroom at work on Friday and some guy was in one of the stalls. This dude farted at a tone and in bursts that sounded just like a marching band sousaphone. I almost blurted outloud that his skills on the ass-tuba were commendable...instead, I just laughed quietly to myself and bolted before the stench hit me.

PDD said...

First, wow Erin, I did the same thing. Only I was influenced by my older sister, the middle child who is only 2 years older than I. According to my family, she was the worst with it. She crapped a lot more than I did which of course made for much more smearing on the walls and self. She also smeared hers on me. I am not sure if I smeared mine on her, nor is my family. We are all well aware of the fact that I ate hers along with my own. We both did. Only I think my sister ingested hers alone. I am a good girl. I've got a heart.

Janey: Honestly, I have never once sharted in my entire life. I guess I have all three occasions to look forward to. For some reason it seems this is more common with the male species. And I think the number of times this occurs is far higher than 3 in a lifetime. Is this why everyone calls the male a pig?

PDD said...

Laughing at Pinky's comment. Too funny big bird.

PDD said...

I just read Toby's comments. So Toby, did you ever once sleep with rotten ass/meat curtains??

Toby said...

PDD - Hell know. Even if I wanted too, I wouldn't have been able to get it up. The stench was too distracting.

Fewclewz said...

Oh Janey - I know what prompted this post......you've been watching the latest ad on Teev, the one for SPC baked Beans haven't you!

It's funny, I like

welcome to wallyworld said...

Jane, we talked about lighting your farts on my bloggie just recently - http://www.welcometowallyworld.com/display/ShowPost?moduleId=331952&discussionId=7520&postId=128992

Your new admirer "fingers" gave me the nod to your fine blog BTW.

As some prick said once "I'll be back". Malkie in Paris.

fingers said...

Sorry but I have no stake in this topic. Neither I nor any male member of my family has passed wind in over 500 years, the last being 'Fingers the Unmentionable' in 1487.
I'll admit, there have been occasions when I have sat at the dining table with a gas-ball eating up half my leg, however the tradition must continue...

Erin O'Brien said...

I'm sorry, but I promised Jesus that I would pimp this tough choice concerning the president of the United States. Your vote is needed.

gav said...

This is deja vu.

I had a school teacher in year 9 spend half a class lecturing us on the inappropriateness of farting in class.

It was both a hilarious and disturbing.

MJ said...

You can't win a farting contest against Piggy. He is full of noxious, toxic methane. Fatal.

jungle jane said...

Lippy:
Its not just that they stink – they seem so terribly proud of it too. Like it’s a manly badge of honour. Funnily enough they seem a bit grossed out when girls make smells.

MJ:
Perhaps me and Piggy could have a fart off? It would dispel the myth for once and for all that ladies don’t pass noxious gas and it would bring piggy down a rung or two eh?

Egan:
Making accents on your PC means that you don’t have enough work to do in the office. Busy people don’t do accents or squiggly things

Tilde:
I am not just a Goddess – I am a saint, too. Its hard being so godly/saintly but I do try my very best. my gift is a burden.

Blonde Vigilante:
I admire your bravery enormously – it takes a very special person to not only fart at their desk but secondly to fan the fumes when it smells. You should consider getting a little bell on your desk which you ring when you drop a stinker – that way you will be certain to let the whole office know of your achievement

Hardhouse:
Why is that – that they smell different in the bath? The shower too – must be something about water. Unless they clean themselves a bit in the bath?

Pinky:
Wooooohoooo welcome back!! Yes everyone loves a trumpet fart – just you don’t want to comment on it and then it turns out to be your boss. What you could do is wait till he comes out the stall and if its not your boss loudly admire his skills from across the office when he is back at his desk?

PDD:
Oh dear lord. You ate each other’s poo? PDD that is the most stomach churning thing I have ever read in my entire life. I think you should blog about this – it is worthy of its own whole post.

PDD/Toby:
Lalalalalalala I am not listening!!

Fewclewz:
i have certainly been eating beans, but they are Heinz - the food of farting champions. I am in training.

Malc:
Ha – that’s a quality fart lighting post – I love how you keep your pants on. Of course with girls this is not an issue because most us do not have hair arse. We take the trousers off.

Fingers:
I am never going to prick you with a pin. The world will explode. And I am sure Fingers the Unmentionable wouldn’t want that. In saying that I am certain that the female Fingers family members make up for it. Why wouldn’t they – they can fart as much as they please and know that no retaliation will be forthcoming.

Erin:
Pimp away my dear. i have been there and voted. I chose VD in case you were wondering

Vag:
that teacher sounds like he/she was on a mission. i can only imagine what it is like to teach a school room full of farty children.

jungle jane said...

MJ:
what would happen if we prodded him in the ribs and simultaneously lit a match?

ChickyBabe said...

That's a lot of research you've undergone for this post, and quite philosophical in some parts. I can see it making a good subject for a sociology discussion. Essay anyone?

MJ said...

What would happen if we prodded Piggy in the ribs and simultaneously lit a match? Your blog might blow up, that's what. Even if the blog remained intact, there would be a lingering odour of rotten eggs for days.

MilkMaid said...

12 times a day?!?!?!?!

No .... no shit?

ahahahaaaa!

Toby said...

Sure, it has to be all about Jane.

Steph said...

Ahhh too funny! Vag just asked what everyone's hidden talent was on his blog.
Mine? Holding in farts. I can do it for HOURS till i feel like I'm gonna explode. I just can't let one rip if there's an audience.
There's always the fear of following through, if ya know what i mean.

PDD said...

Janey: I ate my own shite. My sister fed hers into my mouth also. Apparently there was so much shite it branched out onto the walls. My mother walked into her room where we were, playing and eating our own shit in one crib (it was during the day). It stank so bad and there was such a mess my mother began crying. I kid you not, my mother began crying. This is what she has said.

The End.

jungle jane said...

ChickyBabe:
yes i like to ensure that all my posts are not only entirely factually correct, but have enormous amounts of scientific research conducted by myself. which gets a bit tricky when you start posting about things like necrophilia

MJ:
Fuck. That doesn't sound very pleasant at all. I wonder if a sprinkle of lavender would remove the stench somewhat?

Milky:
Long time no see!! yes - 12 a day. which means that i am already dipping into next year's fart tally. I guess i make up for the farting underachievers among us all?

Toby:
Its about us. All of us. Group hug everyone.

Steph:
My god that is truly remarkable. aren't you worried the air will escape somehow or other regardless? it would be sooo embarrassing to be talking to someone and the next thing a trapped fart wanders out your mouth..

PDD:
that is truly the best story i have heard in a really long time - i cannot stop cracking up. I am not sure if i ever ate shit or not and i am certain many kids must do it - but i totally see why your mum would have burst out crying. not only was it smeared all over the place but lets face it - who wants to think that there cooking is that bad that their kiddies can't tell the difference between poo and food.

i truly love that story PDD - its really funny...you should definitely blog about it - i am sure we can photoshop a picture of you as a baby to include poo eating??!!

Anonymous said...

An old couple sit in a crowded church durring a silent prayer. The wife whispers to the husband, "I just let a silent fart. What should I do?" The husband tells her, "Get a new hearing aid battery."

I once worked with a chick who had a very bad follow through on the job. She wrapped an apron around her bottom and called everyone on the entire payroll to find someone to fill in while she went to get a change of clothes. No one would rescue her. Instead we all called each other and laughed. We're all going to Hell.

~d said...

Jane
since pdd's testimony was so rockin, I think that SHE should get the purple whatever it is that egan is sending you for answering some question correctly.
pdd bared her soul and her p-ass-t childhood memories with us

MJ said...

No, a sprinkle of lavendar will do nothing to reduce the stench of Piggy's farts. This entire blog will need to be evacuated and fumigated.

josh williams said...

No dodily function has brought more to the world than the fart, sex included ( jealous lovers and such counter the joy).
When at a party I mingle, not because I am a social butterfly, its just a good tactic to move along after you have farted, let someone else take the blame. I have learned to embrase gas as my friend, I flee my own so as to teach others to embrase their own. Speaking of which fucking Roscoe posted a story over a week ago and I discovered it a few days ago, called him on the Ameche and he told me he was curious to see how long it took me to find out...Its a true tale about a dog.Alas he did not slip a good ole fart joke in,but then again it does not need the fart, rare is the story that does not lean on the fart for substance. JW

jungle jane said...

Sausage:
I desperately need a new vibrator battery. Is this because i fart so much do you think??

You know you are going to hell for making Apron Girl suffer? I will see you there - i'll keep a seat warm for you in fact - and let me remind you that there is no air in hell. Just fart.

Tilde:
Yes! fantastic idea! i have suggested it to Egan on his blog. I am sure Egan has thousands of iPod socks to spare. If not, perhaps a condom would work just as well? I am just not sure that condoms come in purple

MJ:
Oh dear - i just took my car to be detailed - perhaps my blog is going to need the same? I believe that they blast the exterior with a jet hose and strong detergent. Or maybe we can eliminate the middle man and just insert the jet hose/detergent into Piggy's arse?

Josh:
you are a man of science like me. I am certain that you have mastered the Art of the Party Fart to perfection. You should take Roscoe to these parties Josh and see whether you can perform a diversionary fart - every woman in the room will think he is a dirty bastard and you in fact are clean and decent.

When you are not at parties i suggest you bottle your farts and sell the odour.

BEAST said...

HA HA HA I love a good fart gag , I am sitting sniggering at my desk , all the other saddo's are wondering what I am laughing about (I will tell them I have just seen their payrises).
I dont recall ever following thru , does that make me a freak ???
I do enjoy a good fart tho , especially a 'rotten egg special' , or a real cheek flapper.
For my money old ladies farting loudly in the post office is funnier than any other dumb animal letting rip.
Thanks for another good laugh :-)

NATEMARE said...

When I was little, I once let it go on the walk home from school. That was the most uncomfortable 1/2 mile in my entire life, as the smell was unavoidable.

Qenny said...

I've been meaning to write up my own pant-shitting story for some time. This may be the stimulus I needed.

I guffawed all the way through this article. I loved it. I'm amazed and delighted that you got so many different euphamisms in, and also that you included such gems as "social fart pas". Love it, love it, love it!

Last Girl On Earth said...

It's amazing how my own personal farts smell like a lovely rose. As a matter of fact, all of my body oders are like fragrant flowers. (At least in MY imagination!)

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE FABULOUS "TOOT TONE" VIDEO!

LAST GIRL ON EARTH

Egan said...

I performed a Yahoo! search for "meat curtains" and found your blog. Wonderful.

world champ stephen neal said...

There is quite an underground culture of ladies & gents who wear enormous sized, clear plastic underwear and crap in it - and post the photos.

Toby said...

It smells like captain crunch in here.

Anita said...

I was thinking it smelled like Fritos.

PDD said...

Egan, I searched for "meat curtains" on google and look what I found!

http://www.merch-bot.com/images/products/lifestyle/small/meat-curtain-showering-girl.jpg

Okay Janey, will do.

josh williams said...

Why Jane how did you know I was selling my bottled farts on ebay! "Buy it Now" option is the bomb! Who's to know it is not the fart of someone famous. I once sold a Einstien fart for about $600.00, theres some real sickos out there, best thing to do is cash in!

Toby said...

Peanut Butter Captain Crunch.

Zen Wizard said...

Have you ever tried Beano?

PDD said...

Beano for Busco

Tickersoid said...

stephen neal, I've not heard of the clear plastic pants crapping thing. I'm disapointed at my lack of culture.

Anonymous said...

I just produced my third fart of the day. When I get to 12 I will dedicate it to you, Jane.

josh williams said...

Once I was on an international flight (over 8 hours). I had a late departure so I was over confidant in my ability to drink beer the night prior to departure. I woke up early and for some reason chose the Big Breakfast at McDonalds as breakfast (thinking this was the last real junk food I would have for awhile). The Big Breakfast then at the airport I had a great burrito with all the fixin's it was a really, fucking great burrito! I boarded the plane and then , gas...gas…gas and more gas! I can pin point the day I had the most gas in my life and it was this day! I was farting every minute , honest to God I was farting every minute. Fortunately I was seated at the bulkhead next to the toilets so I could in my mind blame them for the stench...Until I fell asleep, then God knows what happened other than the husband of the nice family was sitting next to me bearing the brunt of my farts like a champion when I finally awoke from my splendid flatulent dreams!....All I know is follow this recipe if you wish to pass gas, and if you ever meet a real nervous couple that smells of methane then you have met my seat mates on flight ??? to Amsterdam 2004.I go bed now...JW

Gratis said...

Does sharting while 8 1/2 months pregnant count, but, um, without a complete "loss"? How about when in labor? Nothing shames me any more after that.

Once I farted in the grocery and an old lady was standing close so I just wrinkled my nose at her and said "oooh"...I do believe she was mortified!

Ok, sorry. Moving along now.

world champ stephen neal said...

Don't worry Ticker. I'm not the Champ for nothing. Thomas Edison tried over 1000 different materials while developing the light bulb. He tried some of my beard trimmings but found the light NEVER burnt out.

matty said...

I decided to stop passing wind. I think it could be why my hair has thinned so!

big kiss from GayTown USA -- it's Pride Week in SF, you know!!!

...pulling your finger via the Net!

Egan said...

PDD, that's precisely why I think Google is a piece of shit search engine. Now try it again using Yahoo! You will see a huge difference.

Me said...

Ah, Jane, have I mentioned, I adore you?
Hmmm, shit my pants story... well, the details are sketchy. I was a kid. Snowpants were involved. I didn't want my mom to find out and make me stop playing with my friends so I went inside, wiped furiously at my drawers and than sprayed lilac air freshener in them. I continued to play for hours in the snow after that and the smell of lilacs still makes me think of shitty snowpants.
Shall I tell you about the time exhubby and I both got intestinal flu and shit our pajamas simultaneously because we were too busy arguing about who should get the washroom first? Never mind.

Karen Little said...

I'm late on the commenting wagon...

I was once on a surgical ward round, with six other students, a nurse, two house doctors, a registrar and a professor (that's 11 people). we came upon a strange, slightly demented old lady who apparently had rectal prolapse (your rectum sort-of... falls out) but the students couldn't demonstrate it. So the professor got Old Lady to assume the foetal position and bear down. I was standing behind the prof and couldn't see exactly what was going on. I started giggling when a little 'fweet' squeezed out, but I didn't think a granny farting warranted the tears running down one of the house-doctor's face. And then, prof turned around. He was covered in shit. It was splattered all over his glasses, his tie, his white coat.

He rubbed it off with tidy towel, discharged the woman stat, and stoically continued the ward round.

Now that's a shart.

Fewclewz said...

On one of my sea-going voyages, we were all sitting on someone's cabin, having a few beers. Vic decided to light one of his farts, so dropped his daks, turned and bent over, and with a lighter to his arse, duly farted. Well, that was the first time I'd ever seen it, the flame shot out of his arse in a pencil of blue, yellow flame that could have put a blow-torch to shame! The ten of us in the cabin were rolling around on the deck,tears in our eyes and laughing fit to drop. Me? well, I thought I was going to lose a lung I was laughing so hard!
Ah, one of life's simple pleasures!

Toby said...

Now that Anita's gone, it does smell like fritos. I think she left us a parting gift.

~d said...

JANE! I linked Erin's tits on my comment section and you nekkid came up too!

josh williams said...

One time many years ago I sharted me pants at work. It was winter and we had a wood burning stove in the shop. I nearly cleaned the bathroom of arse cleaning paper and since it was winter and I had big-ole boots on my feets. I just took out my swiss army knife and cut my soiled drawers from my legs. I put the the drawrs in the stove and worked the rest of the day commando in constent fear of the final fatal fart. I lived to tell the tale...

Anonymous said...

I find Josh's MacGuiver like story to be very manly and curiously sexy.

Le Chitelier said...

Only twelve times a day? ONLY twelve times a day???
Fuck I fart FIFTY times a day!!!!

Vince said...

Jane, do these comments ever end? Do you have staff to answer these?

Anyway, did you know the average number of farts people have during sex is five?

jungle jane said...

sorry all...i am in the middle of disaster...i will be back soon. in the meantime, please send good vibes and beer.

Jake_633 said...

A student here in uk is marketting Pee and Pooh cuddly toys and she'll be a millionaire by Chrimbo. Why didn't we think o that?
I came, I saw, I commented.

~d said...

Jane
loads of love from the Big Easy, chicka!

Toby said...

All the good stuff to you Jane, and good beer. I wondered where you were.

josh williams said...

Vibes and beer in route!

AndyT13 said...

Well thank heavens you're back! It took me a while to get caught up.
Sorry I don't have any poppy pants stories. Yet. I did have a comment about the boyfriend app tho:

My morals: I will stare at your mate's tits but I won't inhale.
Expensive champagne: no problem. I even know the difference and can afford the good stuff.
Butt plug: with or without lube?
I prefer you do the inserting.
A large cat: Nice kitty.
Foreskin: none.
The pitch: I'm young, handsome, rich, talented and single. I own a lovely yacht and am quite athletic.
Your come is more important than mine and I prefer you have at least two to each of mine.
Hopefully that's enough to get me past the committee. :-)

Polyman2 said...

Nothing like a good cheek flapper!

PDD said...

I send good vibes and beer and wine your way Janey. But this all comes with one request... that you pull my finger.

matty said...

...am sending you good vibes and a hug --- I hope everything is OK! ...but, how can I pull your finger???

jungle jane said...

thank you all and keep the beer flowing - its not helping my disaster much but it does taste nice.

matty said...

...i think my sweat tastes like beer. Bud.

phlegmfatale said...

Visiting my geriatric grandfather this weekend, it was quickly evident that hygiene in the household had gone to pot (ha!) and the place fairly reeked of human waste, bless his heart. My nearly deaf Grandfather left the room and husband peeled off a neatly calibrated succession of farts, and I actually thanked him for improving the air quality. Evil, mean, nasty and true.

Dinah said...

My family and I just had a very serious conversation about whether or not burping was worse than farting in public. We decided that it was not, on the grounds of contrition.