03 January 2006

fucking made simple

Here in the jungle mating really isn’t complex, even if you are as ugly as a boar licking shit off a thistle:

1. locate a beast of a similar species to yourself
2. lift up its tail
3. commence humping

Post coital gratification is a jolly nice sleep and no dull mushy chit chat. Unless of course you are a spider - then as a bonus you get to eat the creature you just fucked. Jungle folklore has it that Jeffrey Dahmer was raised by spiders.

In the human world scoring an Aussie kiss (same as a French kiss, but downunder) has been complicated to the extent that it is remarkable that anyone (and I don’t count my parents in this because I am certain that they DO NOT have sex) gets their legover. Is he or she gay/straight? Am I too fat/thin? Too black/white? Too old/young? Too ugly? Too brunette? Are my tits too big (male) or small (female)? Am I too bald (male and female)? How about my pubes? Shaved or bushy or trimmed or bald? What about my tattoo on my neck that says “Cut Here” ? And my pierced bumhole – will that be a turnoff?

Enough already – step aside and let me fix this mess. Girls forget buying Fuck Me boots. Straight guys you can stop borrowing your mate’s baby and walking around the park making eye contact with single mums.

The solution to sexual paranoia is really very simple and from today onwards I propose we all go back to basics: Everyone who wants sex please move to Australia. If you wish to keep your legs closed, please make your way over to the USA. Gay people, you can sort out your own country - I have my hands full with the straight crowd.

Well I’m glad that’s all sorted out then. If anyone has any other pressing world issues that they would like quickly resolved, drop me a line.
posted by jungle jane @ 9:42 am |

59 comments

<< Home