03 January 2006

fucking made simple

Here in the jungle mating really isn’t complex, even if you are as ugly as a boar licking shit off a thistle:

1. locate a beast of a similar species to yourself
2. lift up its tail
3. commence humping

Post coital gratification is a jolly nice sleep and no dull mushy chit chat. Unless of course you are a spider - then as a bonus you get to eat the creature you just fucked. Jungle folklore has it that Jeffrey Dahmer was raised by spiders.

In the human world scoring an Aussie kiss (same as a French kiss, but downunder) has been complicated to the extent that it is remarkable that anyone (and I don’t count my parents in this because I am certain that they DO NOT have sex) gets their legover. Is he or she gay/straight? Am I too fat/thin? Too black/white? Too old/young? Too ugly? Too brunette? Are my tits too big (male) or small (female)? Am I too bald (male and female)? How about my pubes? Shaved or bushy or trimmed or bald? What about my tattoo on my neck that says “Cut Here” ? And my pierced bumhole – will that be a turnoff?

Enough already – step aside and let me fix this mess. Girls forget buying Fuck Me boots. Straight guys you can stop borrowing your mate’s baby and walking around the park making eye contact with single mums.

The solution to sexual paranoia is really very simple and from today onwards I propose we all go back to basics: Everyone who wants sex please move to Australia. If you wish to keep your legs closed, please make your way over to the USA. Gay people, you can sort out your own country - I have my hands full with the straight crowd.

Well I’m glad that’s all sorted out then. If anyone has any other pressing world issues that they would like quickly resolved, drop me a line.

59 comments:

wallycrawler said...

My wife is a travel agent so anyone who wants a deal on a flight contact me via e-mail . Better be quick cause I'm pack'n my bags now !

waygon112 said...

I'll move to Aussie land, but I'll need a job............no not a blow job you perverted jungle creatures, and actually working/paying job!!!

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

TOO FUCKING FUNNY!

Oh, Jane. If only you swung my way. I'd love to be down under in your down under.

Did I actually type that? Stupid lack of internal editor while high.

Kisses,
Hussy

ticharu said...

How about severe over population??? Solve me that Miss Jungle. My Assersion is that the insertion need to move down a hole...

Neil said...

Isn't it summer there now? I'm not sure what to wear. Or should I just not wear anything?

jungle jane said...

Wally is your wife coming with??!!

Wayne you will be so busy rooting i doubt there will be time to work. Just go on the dole - everyone else here is...

Hussy i am blowing Aussie Kisses your way:-)

Ah! we have a huge continent here ticharu - in fact i am sure the lefty liberal Greenpeace crew will actively support my plan

Neil it's summer and its baking hot here. I suggest you wear a condom but what colour it is, is up to you...

Henri Banks said...

jee can i have a picture of your pierced bumhole for my blog
is just your bumhole pierced or more...
you can send them all!

josh williams said...

After the Grand Experiment I will retire to Australia and commence to humping. Thanks Jane you sure are cool. JW

Ernesto Brabazoni said...

hum, so when i read your post right you got a pierced bumhole!Girl when i put my penis in your a. is it not disturbing You?

jungle jane said...

Sure thing, Henri - i will make sure i wipe properly and then take a picture for your blog:-)

Remember to lift the tail first Josh!

Ernesto the bumhole piercing was a joke, i'm afraid. call it jungle humour...

crabcake said...

Jane, you're gonna wreck my new business. How am I gonna sell Honeyhive here in my brand spankin new bordello if you take all the guys?

Damn, now I'm gonna have to put her on sale.

geezer squeezer! said...

DUDE! i seriously cant read this post as the GAY IMAC im using is a cock.
either way,how did the pills up the arse go on new years eve?? i tried that once but never again as my finger smelt shitty for hours.

jungle jane said...

Easy, Crabcake. All the horny (and free) sex addicts are out here. you make your fortune out there with the furtive, secretive ones - remember Honeyhive will be only one in the whole of the USA who is actually up for any fucking...

Geezer my arse kicked arse. the lingering smell of shit only made me buzz harder....

Johnny Menace said...

I've always felt like i should be in Austriala.... and here i thought it was because i'm a criminal.

Johnny Menace said...

oh and a world pressing issue.. ... ben affleck is still making movies .. go

jungle jane said...

Johnny perhaps if Ben stays in the USA that issue will be solved? after all he is married, so therefore we should assume he is one of the people who are not having sex?

you should come to australia, you know. there is plenty of space for more of my ilk...

YellowSock said...

Why didn't you post this years ago!!!!!! You thing you've spent a lot of money on self pleasuring devices!!!!! I was just oiling up the 38 calibur to use as my newest one but I think I'll just take a trip instead. (Or at least take the bullets out.)

ing said...

Shoot, I liked it here in San Fran, but Australia sound sooooooo romantic. How long does the average Aussie male take before he rolls off and falls asleep?

Ernesto Brabazoni said...

Oooh Humor!

ing said...

What's "oooh humor?"

jungle jane said...

sausage:
come to australia and bring the .38 will you pet? many a mercy killing needs to take place here...

btw i'm SO glad to see your blog is finally up my friend

Ing:
I wouldn't know - Aussie blokes are terrified of me for some reason. dunno why. actually i am from southern africa - i'm not actually aussie at all. i've just lived here the last few years...

ernesto:
is Oooooh Humour our new name for jungle jokes??

Die Muräne said...

Why did you have to leave southern africa? They just sent you away? Bad guys. But at least not to Poland...

jungle jane said...

die murane i left there in a thick cloud of political smoke 18 years ago and when it all mellowed out i just didn't have the love in my heart to go back. so now i wander...but that's another whole blog, eh?

jungle jane said...

jesus Murane. don't make me get all serious. lets rather talk about farts and buttplugs, yeah?

Henri Banks said...

Ooooh a buttplug, i put mine in the dog and i cant get it out!!

jungle jane said...

sigh. do i have to do everything around here?

Right Henri get the .38 from IHeartSausage. Pay her $5. The buttplug will be returned to you with an invoice. Easy.

Die Muräne said...

I'm shocked to see you serious:-)
But take away! NSW is not that bad, is it

The Seeker said...

OK, I'm moving... but why can't it be the other way around? Oh, yes... down under, they like to be down under...

josh williams said...

I dont have to drink Fosters over there? Everything is going fine here all my plans are falling into place eerrr just as plannned. Tell Freak Show he has work to do when your finished with him. Thanks in advance.

BadGod said...

I could be in love with you.

YellowSock said...

I'd retreive the buttplug for free...

jungle jane said...

Murane:
its virtually impossible to get a good meal in NSW:-)

Seeker:
what goes up must at some point go down, innit?

Josh:
you can drink your own piss for all God cares. Roscoe is nodding too.

Badgod:
Send your cock downunder. If its not love, at least it will get a good spanking.

Sausage:
Jesus girl. i just send your Buttplug Retrieval company some good business and you go giving it away?

Ms. Robyn said...

Are you calling Americans prudes? How. Dare. You. I never. The nerve. Haroomph!

I'm sorry I had to be so rough on you, kid. It's okay, you can go outside and play baseball now. Oh, wait - don't you want a pice of mom's apple pie? There you go, Champ. Don't forget to be home by dark - Paris Hilton's humping a car on TV tonite!

jungle jane said...

ms robyn we don't play baseball in australia. can i stay indoors and play video games??

Henri Banks said...

Yeah americans are prude !!!WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT

FLAMINGO1 said...

I am married (and thus not really having sex) but have decided to relocate to Australia and bring my most consistent sexual companion with me.

Could you tell me if I will need a separate passport for my right hand?

YellowSock said...

Well, I guess I was being a prudish American thinking that doing what I love (buttplug or any butt-inserted device or critter retrieval) and getting money for it would make me an official whore.

Well, whore is as whore does, so let's make it $5 for dogs, $7 for humans, $100 for Richard Gere and if the critter is still alive when I pull it out, it's on the house. The client has to supply the anti-bacterial lotion though. Money upfront, of course.

ing said...

Is this sexual-paranoia-thing a problem in South Africa, too?

Signed,

Prude.

jungle jane said...

Henry stop teasing the Americans. They might not have sex but they are allowed to masturbate.

Flamingo you can just send the hand if you like?

sausage is Richard Gere on special today? i would ask for at least double that...

Ing sexual paranoia is global. it's everywhere i tell you. everywhere.

YellowSock said...

I was going to say a thousand but I figured I would get to take pictures and prove the gerbal rumor once and for all. He would have to bribe me to keep the pix out of circulation and then I'd sell them anyway.

Thinking of the bigger picture, you know?

jungle jane said...

You've always been so sensible sausage. You really are quite the little thinker, aren't you?

YellowSock said...

You wouldn't know it from reading my blog or seeing my "fuck me boots" collection (which happen to still work quite well on silly American boys) but thanks ever so much!

jungle jane said...

Sausage, i quote:

"I like to put things in my bum.
Don't know why, just makes me cum."

yes, i see where you are coming from....

ing said...

That is quite a nice little scheme, iheart. Consider selling the photos to Rod Stuart, who himself had an unfortunate run-in with a horse (or at least, that was the rumor). If you managed to acquire the horse photos, you could plant yourself in the midst of a bidding war. One blonde, one brunette, and loads of cash.

Idea©, ing

jungle jane said...

Holy smoke Ing you are full of facts! i just googled "Rod Stewart horse rumour" and you are right! i wonder if the horse told him that it was full of protein and had no calories??

ing said...

We've all heard that line.

I'm glad that the horses here in the U.S. are too prudish to talk. What country do you suppose Mr. Stuart's horse came from?

wallycrawler said...

ing I heard those rumours about Rod in the 70's . They're not true , but the rumours about Richard Gere , those rumours are true . I know a guy and his friend has a cousin who is a night nurse who worked da night Richard came in , complaning of "intestinal gnawing" .

Henri Banks said...

shhhh il be nice to the americans now;-)
(today)

josh williams said...

I think its time for a serious debate on "Intellegent Design" and "Unintelligent Design". JJ/Rosoce: I will not drink my own piss until I get one of those suits that converts it cool clear water.

YellowSock said...

The version of the Rod Stewart thing I heard was that he had his stomach pumped of a gallon of semen, never heard which beast it came from.

I know a man who lives every day as a Rod Stewart look alike (not for $) so maybe it was him who gobbled the horse's load.

And what about Jagger and Bowie, did that ever happen? Of course none of these guys are American...except Gere. (I feel shameful now.)

josh williams said...

I heard Rod had 60oz's pumped out, he passed out before a show. I never heard the horse rumor. Yep the Richard Gere thing is true. Now here is one, a friend of mines mother worked at a drug store at the soda fountain in Kentucky (KY, if you will) and her work partner was Lee Majors, non other than the six million dollar man. Well It appears Rock Hudson was in town for some sort of movie business and quickly befrieded Mr Majors. When it was time for him to go back to Hollywood Lee hopped in the convertable with him and well the rest is history.
Don Johnson lived with Sal Menio when he was 19 and performed with him in a play that took place in a jail cell, the two of them together performed in the nude.
Thats all I know

wallycrawler said...

The Don Johnson one is true . Don use to hang in a Queen St. bar in Toronto . He would try to hit on the young thing tending there . She would have none of it . He was a mean f'n drunk and was quite abusive especially when she kept turning him down over & over . A friend of mine owned the bar and had enough of the decrypt old drunk . He yelled out in front of all who was left in the bar "Ya know why Mr. Johnson drinks so much" ? "He can't get the taste of Sal Menio out of his mouth" ! True story !

jungle jane said...

Ing:
It's not that USA horses are too prudish to talk - its the just that all the horses who fuck have come out to Australia

Wally:
I have a friend whose cousin's wife knows a man whose aunt lives in a tree:-)

Henry:
Yes as you can see, I am doing the same

Josh:
I will shortly be unveiling my new logo on this site. It will be an example of Intelligent Design. Your piss has nothing to do with it though and nor does rock Hudson.

Sausage if he doesn't do it for the money the least i hope he gets out of it is a full belly...

wallycrawler said...

I know him he's a friend of my cousins wife .

josh williams said...

Let me know if I can help. I am a bit sad that my urine will play no part in your logo.
Also on project "E" the shits going down soon, you will soon find out what we have worked so long and hard for!

josh williams said...

I like walley crawlers story, and yes the Lee Majors story is true as well.

jungle jane said...

Project E? Shit? jesus josh you are a week behind - it was last weekend i stuck all that ecstasy up my arse...

ScottB said...

killer pik... my aunt used to breed great danes... fucking hulks

jungle jane said...

awesome, boy. i want to own one...and a daschund...