13 January 2006


It seems that love-turned-bad is quite hip at the moment.

Now although some women find solace in listening to Celine Dion whining, traditionally the cure for mending a broken heart has been lots of time to heal, a very short haircut and a drunken one night stand that is so goddam awful you spend the rest of your life avoiding the pub you pulled him in.

I object to this remedy – I think mending hearts should be covered by MediCare taxes. Fuck sakes - if we have to pay for old Harold-down-the-road’s bumhole transplant out of our medical levies then surely shattered hearts should qualify for a rebate?

I Have a Dream! I am going to a invent a pill that fixes broken hearts and then pimp it out to all my friends. It would work a bit like an indigestion tablet or even possibly a tapeworm tonic. I haven’t done any scientific research yet but I am sure I can find a recipe on the internet somewhere. I figure that if medical science
can fix this surely heartache repair should be a walk in the park?

I am not sure yet what side effects to bundle in with my new tablet. Although I am leaning towards palpitations or appetite suppression I might just stick with everyone’s favourite: hallucinations. I would welcome suggestions and feedback on this.

My vision is that washing that guy right out of your hair would be as simple as dissolving two tablets in a cup of water and taken on a food-lined stomach. Or you can just shelve them up your arse like you do with your Ecstasy.

So if anyone has an ounce of charity or goodwill left in them after the festive season please send your heart for research for advancement of medical science. I will return it in an airtight cooler box once I am done trampling all over it.


wallycrawler said...

Dat guy has a little tally wacker , but a bet he shoots huge loads !

YellowSock said...

I can only give you a piece of my heart (if it is worthy of you) cause I gave ownership of the rest of it to somebody for Christmas (I was broke) and it's his to trample now.

Sorry for sounding like some happy freak who listens to whatever records happy people listen to.

jungle jane said...

Wally i am not sure about tally wackers or how they fit into my research but may i have your heart please? i doubt you need it, what with being married and all, eh?

Sausage i need the whole damn heart. tell you what, you can have some of the pills anyhow - lets see if i can nail Immunisation against future heartbreak while i am here eh?

josh williams said...

Well I am a really serious self taught scientist and I'm inspired and working on your problem. So far I have come up with a name, the "Fuckem' Pill". More later, or maybe a tangent, I cant be sure, these racing thoughts are kinda hard to keep up with. Best to ya JW

ing said...

Celine Dion!? Aww, hon. You can have my heart, but I'm afraid that trampling on it will only produce a lot of powdery ash at this point.

As for the side effects, dear god, make sure it doesn't have any aphrodisiac properties. A broken heart gets you in enough trouble as it is.

I'm all for this tablet. Do you think we can talk that John Howard guy into getting behind us on this?


jungle jane said...

Josh! you are not just a man of science, you are a genius too! i LOVE the name! Shall i take out a patent? Let's do it!

I'll take the powdered heart! I will return it in an envelope though - a cooler box seems pointless!

I take your point about the aphrodesiac - what the broken-hearted-world DOES NOT NEED is more bad, pointless post-breakup sex

ing said...


HighMaintenanceHussy said...

I'd give you my heart, but I'd rather give you a different body part.

jungle jane said...

fuckin' oath

you know i want your strudel;-)

matty said...

I MUST have that pill when you perfect it!

I'll try to get my heart to you by the end of next week. Do you think I could get it back in time for spring? ...it's already pretty flat.

...of course the mere mention of Celine Dion was like a huge kick to my spleen! Ouch!

YellowSock said...

I will gladly be your test subject.

Vaccination will put most of the pharmacutical companies out of business so please be careful, it's like you're holding the plans for the atomic bomb.

jungle jane said...

Could you send it FEDEX? lets just pray the plane doesn't crash, titter. If i am not done by spring i will simply send you one of the spare replacement hearts i have lying around. its likely to be a demonstration model, but i am sure it will fit just fine.

Can you also send biscuits and beer with the heart?

I am keenly aware of the importance of this mission. Josh is helping, we should be fine. If not, we will reward you with drugs

Erin O'Brien said...

I advise my ladyfriends to hunt the effer down and remove his wanker with a dessert spoon, or simply chew it off for a more personally gratifying experience (and, in the case of the gentleman portrayed in the link, a downright aerobic one). Heaven knows it's never difficult to get them to put it in your mouth.

But if you insist on a pill, darling, what could possibly be a more fitting side effect than adding a propensity towards homosexuality?

Jazzy Justin said...

HA ha!! I'll purchase some. Just make sure that whatever side effects are linked to your drug exclude "loss of sexual appetite" and "anal leakage".

By the way, thanks for the props on my Amanda Lepore!

Jazzy Justin said...

...and oh yeah, I hope your heart gets mended quick!

Rodes said...

i'd send you my heart, but i have my doubts about the australian postal system at the mo (i'll spare you the details). apart from homing pigeon, i'm bang out of ideas. perhaps you have some ideas to help my transportation woes.

jungle jane said...

thank you - i am taking notes furiously here.

1. bite penis off
2. chew
3. do i spit it out or swallow? please clarify

and i will note your request to add a gay side effect to the pill, although frankly at this stage i consider that to be an enhancement rather than a side effect.

I LOVE amanda! i want a doll! i will make sure i add a note on my pill box that says "Caution: this drug makes Justin's gut leak". m'okay?

Screw the post - send the heart via my local chinese takeaway - they do home delivery.

Rodes said...

also, in an odd coincidence, the groundskeeper at my old high school bore the nickname 'jungle jane'

jungle jane said...

Rodes in an odd co-incidence my cat is called Angus Young. He doesn't play the guitar though.

wallycrawler said...

Double J : I sold my heart and my soul for Rock'n Roll . "Naw just josh'n it sounds so good though" ! I sold them for a gram of coke back in 89 . "Good Deal , Good Deal" !

Dongley Shlongford said...

Nothing heals what ails you like a map of New Zealand.

PDD said...

Who ever broke your heart is a complete bimbastard. Bimbastard: When bimbo meets bastard.

I rally behind Erin's advice.

Clearly, you are a sexy woman with an uncomparable sense of humor. You should have a million men bursting down your door with glass slippers in tow instead of a dweeb breaking your heart.

As for the magic pill to mend your heart: may I suggest send smoke-signals to a neighbouring tribe to plan an attack on his house? No research required.

It is settled then. That is what you should do.

jungle jane said...

If you can't send a heart, please send the gram of cocaine. Thank you.

Beer and cocaine also work and there are less sheep involved. You know what i'm saying?

Smoke signals and violence are fantastic, proactive ideas but I might have to hire someone else to do my dirty killing for me as i am squeamish. please be assured that i will ask them to take a camera and i will publish the photos.

MilkMaid said...

Or you can just shelve them up your arse like you do with your Ecstasy.

Translation, pretty please!!

And hallucinations would be an excellent side effect in my book. For any drug.

The picture...looks like that guy needs cupcakes penis pills, eh?

jungle jane said...

Milky i have a photograph of me "shelving ecstacy up my arse" on new years eve that is causing enormous amounts of mirth among my friends.

This is a clean decent blog - i would rather not describe how and why shelving occurs. let's just say you ALWAYS want to wash your hand afterwards....

MilkMaid said...

EGADS, fuck...next time, I'll google FIRST ahahahahahahaaa!

I'll just stick to the big gulp with my ecstacy, mkay?

You let them take pictures?!?!?!

jungle jane said...

*hangs her head shamefully*

waygon112 said...

I'll trade you 1 heart for those pictures!!!!

morbid misanthrope said...

I've never had a broken heart myself, but I would assume binge drinking and bar fights could cure one. Drinking and fighting is how I generally solve most of my problems; not without large doses of death metal, black metal, and grindcore, or course.

ing said...

Your method is a preventative, not a cure, sweets.

Roscoe said...

There once was a little bird called an Ew-ew bird. The male of the species was blessed with robust testicles protruding five centimeters from its body. The rara avis was equally cursed with legs only three centimeters tall. The bird is named for its distinctive call, for as it lands it cries “Ew! Ew!”. So is the pain of a trodden hart.

Tumbleweed said...

That picture....ugh...it's just so wrong. I like the idea of the side effects being hallucinations. Can the side effects also be sensitive enlarged boobs that never go away? Can the packaging for the pills contain a lifetime supply of Beer Goggles so men are easier to find?
I can't give you my heart yet, I am still letting my ex trample on it for now.

Satan said...

this place makes me happy

jane you will soon visit me and live in an eternal pit of fire

has jesus christ been here

Erin O'Brien said...

Satan, you are charming.

Jane, that you are squeamish is so endearing. Regarding whether or not you spit or swallow, darling, depends on whether or not you are hungry.

jean said...

we at bloglisted highly endorse prozac. Our research shows that after 14 days, your heartbreak will be cured!

ing said...

One could always gargle.

geezer squeezer! said...

after youve done that jungle,can you invent a pill to make my willy bigger?ta.
wotz goin on in shitey old syder's jungle?

josh williams said...

Looks like you got a team of people rooting for your heart. Not rooting your heart...Sending it good juju vibes. Still dont have the pill perfected yet, back to the lab.

drunkbh said...

I would be glad to send you my heart but unfortunatly, I don't have one.

Johnny Menace said...

what happen to just drinking until you forget or wake up with someone new?

josh williams said...

I came up with a rifle that shot milk duds,(very accurate and lethal) but after discussing at great length my invention with my team of lawyers they suggested I was crazy and that this invention would land me in the house of man sex. I dont want to go there so I am off to mezo-america to look for some other ingredients for a more "passive" agent to cure the broken heart. Fuckin' lawyers!

matty said...

Jungle Jane -- I will most certainly include the biscuits as soon as I figure out how to get around those pesky FedEx policies with the whole body organ. Oh, is hard liquor cool vs. beer? I think I've more of a Jack Daniels heart.

Satan said...

lawyers - mine
milk dud weapons - mine

i will rip someones heart out and send it to you in a black box

i think i might send you josh williams heart

i think that drunkbh looks familar

she is on my list

jesus christ loses another one

jungle jane you are also on my list but i am guessing that you knew that already

Satan said...

dongley schlongford - mine

dongley i like your style

please tell jesus christ that you have opted for the tropics

heaven sucks trust me

before i got into a fight with god i lived there

streets of milk and honey sound good but fuck up your cole haans something fierce

i spent a fortune on shoe shines

jesus christ is a punk kid that lives with his dad

welcome to the jungle
guns and roses - mine
i got my eye on that axel rose
he is headed my way soon

The Seeker said...

My heart got ripped out a ways back, but I have other organs to experiment with...

jungle jane said...

Sure thing, as long as its not mine. I don’t need any ice in my experiment

As always ing is right. A bar fight is the male equivalent to a woman’s short haircut when broken hearted

You are SO invited to be on the Product Design Committee. You can chose which heart you want out of the pile on the floor after I am done, too.

One can only wonder why the rara avis was not named a dashchund avis

Can you pass on my address to your ex for when he’s finished grinding his boot into your heart? It saves me a bit of work on this side. About your special side-effects – be warned that male customers may not like having large boobs. Well fuck ‘em I say.

I’m with you – I’m just visiting here while hell’s bathroom gets renovated. Unless I got confused and its okay to fuck pigs in heaven?

I already traded you my heart and soul for some weed a second vagina in an earlier post. I am fairly sure you promoted me to General some time back too.

I might toss the remains to the cat and then stand back and make pussy jokes while I remark how similar cock tastes to chicken

I don’t like waiting a fortnight. Its too long. I want the fast-food of cures.

One could also spit and say “ewwwwwwwwww. Have you been eating asparagus?”

Not much going on other than wailing and sobbing into my wine glass. I would send you Willy Pills but John Howard took them all already

Dude. We have orders here. Lots of them. what’s taking so long? Surely it can’t be that hard to make me this pill? Please don’t tell me you are still fucking about with lawyers.

Well in that case, have I got a GREAT pill in the making for you young lady.

See the section “One night stands – Disasters”. That doesn’t work out great for girls.

Wrap the heart in bubble wrap, then with Christmas gift wrap and label it “Socks”. You’ll be fine. Hard liquor is fine – nice to have something on hand when Satan drops by. Its embarrassing offering him a beer.

I know nothing of this Jesus feller of which you speak. You mean Halo Guy? Keeps carving up fish and fucking around with the sea? Is followed around by 12 poofs and a delusional mother who thinks she’s a virgin? Says he was born in a stable and then gets upset when you make mother/bovine jokes? Yeah I heard of him but he sounded lame. I’ll hang with you if you don’t mind me pickpocketing old people?

We can get you a sheep’s heart if you like. Perhaps if we get that transplanted and then give you some of my pills it would work?

josh williams said...

Jane tell you and yourn to run for the hills my last experiment may have gone wronger than wrong!RUN!

jungle jane said...

Josh stop fucking about trying to save the world and MAKE MY PILL

crabcake said...

I'll get a heart out to you.

Don't ask questions.

And feel better! Because if this person hurt you, they weren't worthy of your time in the first place.

If you need me to, I'll take care of them. I have a talent.

jungle jane said...

Crabby you are wonderful! i assume you talent for retaliation is something to do with you singing outside their door?

josh williams said...

1 part opiate, 2 parts stimulant dilute with beer, as needed. I'm getting close.The pill and the world I am but one man but I am committed to both projects 110% which combined is 220%!

jungle jane said...

no josh! 110% on two projects means only 55% focus on each project! Can i trust your mathematics? Is this pill safe in your hands? should i take over pill research and you can stick with pouring gin and tonic and confusing spongebob with vanilla icicles??

crabcake said...

Did somebody say spongebob. I really have a thing for Spongebob.

And noooooo. I only sing to people I like. It gives them pleasure. Come on. Admit it. You know you like it. Nobody can belt out a tune like me.

pssst. Josh, for women you gotta throw chocolate or ice cream or something somewhere in the reciepe with the other stuff. Even if it's just a chaser.

geezer squeezer! said...

wine glass? i pictured you slurping it straight out of the black and gold cask.