It seems that love-turned-bad is quite hip at the moment.
Now although some women find solace in listening to Celine Dion whining, traditionally the cure for mending a broken heart has been lots of time to heal, a very short haircut and a drunken one night stand that is so goddam awful you spend the rest of your life avoiding the pub you pulled him in.
I object to this remedy – I think mending hearts should be covered by MediCare taxes. Fuck sakes - if we have to pay for old Harold-down-the-road’s bumhole transplant out of our medical levies then surely shattered hearts should qualify for a rebate?
I Have a Dream! I am going to a invent a pill that fixes broken hearts and then pimp it out to all my friends. It would work a bit like an indigestion tablet or even possibly a tapeworm tonic. I haven’t done any scientific research yet but I am sure I can find a recipe on the internet somewhere. I figure that if medical science can fix this surely heartache repair should be a walk in the park?
I am not sure yet what side effects to bundle in with my new tablet. Although I am leaning towards palpitations or appetite suppression I might just stick with everyone’s favourite: hallucinations. I would welcome suggestions and feedback on this.
My vision is that washing that guy right out of your hair would be as simple as dissolving two tablets in a cup of water and taken on a food-lined stomach. Or you can just shelve them up your arse like you do with your Ecstasy.
So if anyone has an ounce of charity or goodwill left in them after the festive season please send your heart for research for advancement of medical science. I will return it in an airtight cooler box once I am done trampling all over it.