11 January 2006

mankind vs manunkind

Statistics can be so incredibly insightful when it comes to the complexities of human nature!

Today I carefully smeared shit on the arse of my white trousers and then wandered about the office taking detailed notes on how many people would be decent enough to alert me that I had mucked myself. Now I’ve tallied up the responses in an Excel spreadsheet (my assistant knocked it up after he returned from picking up a box of tampons for me from the chemist) and I am sure you will agree the results are so terribly useful.
  • Number of people who whispered “Janey I think you might have over-delivered on your last fart": 16
  • Number of people who opted for diplomacy: “Babe, I think you may have sat on something dirty”: 8
  • Number of people who looked embarrassed, averted their eyes and said nothing: 5

I am not sure whether to be upset or not that so many in my office associate me with a leaky bowel, however I can confirm that I was perplexed at how different the data was to yesterday’s social experiment: rubbing a dead fish all over my shirt and leaning over people trapped behind their desks:

  • Number of people who wrung their nose, dry-heaved and then tried to get away: 22
  • Number of people who said “fuck dude you stink” : 3
  • Number of people who thought of vaginas and tried to chat me up: 6

I am happy to take requests if anyone has a pressing social issue that they would like me to collect statistics on? Please remember however that I have a prestigious and well paid job that cannot be jeopardised. That means I can’t go nude or fuck things. So let’s keep it clean, eh? And yes, I would be happy to photograph and publish my fact finding mission for the good of the whole community. Amen.

63 comments:

ing said...

Woah, you buy tampons at the chemist's? You Aussies, man, I dunno. . .

Experiment:

For this one, you'll need to get a small shot of testosterone (sorry). You need one chin hair, nice and black. See how long you can let it grow before someone offers you their tweezers. For every centimeter, you get to treat yourself -- you choose the treat part.

Spinning Girl said...

I like getting in an elevator and facing the completely wrong way to see what people will do. I never collected statistics, though.

jungle jane said...

Ing:
yeah i hear you about the tampon thing, but i don't wish to disempower my assistant in any way and therefore i hesitate to suggest he buys them from the supermarket at the same time he's stocking up on my haemrroid cream.

Spinning:
I implore you to collect the data. i am here for you - i will be your rock. just get the facts and figures. the world needs you. please.

MilkMaid said...

Wow..you are so related to MilkMan, I SWEAR. His favorite, you try it...walk into a packed full elevator of dressed up, stiff upper lips and then casually turn to me and comment, as the door tightly closes on us all, 'that Mexican gave me bad gas today'. See how many laughs and most important, how many go to hell looks ya get when the doors open and they all shove OUT of the elevator.

The fish trap was brilliant Jane!!!

jungle jane said...

ohhhhh! ohhhhhh! wouldn't it be simply HILARIOUS if you combined Erin O Brien's childhood memory and got a giant frog, stepped on it and then said "who farted" simultaneously.

oh hang on. maybe i got that a bit mixed up. the frog, my boot and the fart. i am not sure what order they all came in.

god. where is Erin when you need her?

geezer squeezer! said...

gday jungle,i think that you should refer to your assistant as 'that cunt' and see the varied responses.

ticharu said...

Casually mention to the office that you got a great deal on chicken... next day come to work with white powder on yer face so you look dead, then start hacking and coughing up fake blood! Terrible moans. Whenever anyone comes to check on you, look at them crosseyed and say "Mom, is that you?"

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

We did that elevator thing in college for an intro to psych class. But then one of the geniuses in my group decided to cut one (SBD) during the control portion. Experiment ruined.

crabcake said...

boogies. I am fascinated by how many people will pretend they don't see a hanging boogie.

If you could get a booger like substance that's just long enough to wiggle a little when you breath .... well, that would be a work of art.

I went to dinner with 5 other people once and one very good looking lady had a boogie hanging just there inside her nose where you couldn't possibly miss it. I noticed that people sort of looked around her when they talked but nobody told her about the green goober.

Finally I got bored with watching them all try to avoid mentioning it and said, "Anna, there's a booger in your nose." Would you believe the people on each side of me simultaneously kicked me under the table? I mean, what the hell?

FLAMINGO1 said...

I used to work in an office that took up the entire floor of a high-rise office building and thus the hallway was a complete loop.

A secretary (a cute young one) sat right outside my office door.

I used to entertain both of us by dropping loose change (usually just pennies or nickels) right outside my door - we would then watch to see who would pick it up and whether they would keep it or return it.

It wasn't scientific, however. It was much more petty and personal. We used it to talk bad about the people that would pocket the pennies and nickels.

CWL is a penny thieving punk ass.

waygon112 said...

how about putting a herpes looking red mark on your lip and see how many people ask if you're seeking treatment.

Sergio I. Gajardo Ugás said...

Que buen blog ... un gran saludo desde Chile y visita mi blog www.warketing.blogspot.com

Sergio Gajardo

YellowSock said...

I once walked around with a Hitler poo-stache all day before my client told me I had "a little somthing" on my lip. I pretended it was my birthday and that I'd eaten cake for breakfast.

waygon112 said...

sergio............at least stick to the subject, even if it is in Spanish!!!!

The Velvet Fog said...

Hola Sergio!

Como es Juan?

jungle jane said...

I can do ethnic. perhaps from now onwards we are all only allowed to comment in Spanish? I am flexible too - you may also speak Afrikaans or Zulu, two languages i happen to be fluent in.

Entonces. Intiendes?

jungle jane said...

Geezer:
That's a nice idea! let me practise on you! CUNT...

ticharu:
i like that dude. simple but well thought out. i will send you statistics. and photos. and chicken. but no powder - that i will snort.


Hussy:
you always get one, eh? damn partypooper!

Crabcake:
i love that story! i mean fuck. its a fucking booger - jesus. when did the world suddenly get so shy?

Flamingo:
you should document your experiement. See Spinning Girl - maybe the two of you can form a support group. I love your experiment and bet that most people pocketed the coins. i like your experiment the most because it just shows that people will trade their morals for a nickel.

i like that Wayne. perhaps if i do enough red marks i can feign Pox? i wonder how i would do the puss? custard do you think?

Sergio:
Bienvenudo. or however you fugging spell it. Erm. Me gusta me beuna blog tambien. Y me gusta vaginas tambien.

Mas tardes

Sausage:
Nice one. May i use that statistic? i will put you down for one tick under the Politely Informative crowd? it's nice when people care.

Wayne:
I think we should mix it up now. Everyone may only speak Dutch for the next 12 minutes.

Velvet:
Mei naam is nie Sergio - my naam is Jane. Maar ek hoop dat jy hou mei blog. Eng Sergio. En alles. Baie danke

FLAMINGO1 said...

Dos cervesas por favor.

Banio?

That's all I got. I have been to Mexico several times and those two phrases have worked for every occasion.

waygon112 said...

Jane.....all I know is Amsterdam

jungle jane said...

Flamingo:
Banio? are you sure? is that a word? if it is, i think it should mean toilet. what do you think?

Wayne:
i sincerely hope that heaven (or hell) are both just like Amsterdam. truly i do.

FLAMINGO1 said...

I agree JJ - however I don't know how to say "where is the" in Spanish, so I simply shrug my shoulders and say "Banio?" as a question. It works!

At least I don't simply repeat "Where is your bathroom?" over and over more slowly and with more volume. That would be so condescending.

Dongley Shlongford said...

All this Spanish reminds me of the time I woke up in a Tijuana whore house. Whoaa Nelly!

jungle jane said...

Flamingo you are so culturally sensitive! i am going to learn from you! i might even write a book on my experience.

Dongley don't you just HATE falling asleep in a whorehouse when the meter is running? Almost as bad as passing out in your lawyer's office, just slightly less dirty.

waygon112 said...

me too Jane, me too!!!

PDD said...

I haven't read the comments so I do appologize if I am repeating. I do have to make this quick:

Stick fake lesions all over your body. See what happens.

If you loose your job in the process, you may be able to bank on it.

jungle jane said...

nice one psychic - okay that's 2 votes for lesions then. but we still haven't answered the riddle on how to fake the puss. i still think custard is the go....

Erin O'Brien said...

Jane darling, not to worry, you are never alone. Clearly a girl with your tender sensibilities cannot be left unchaperoned with these ruffians.

Lady K said...

Jane, I think custard is a novel idea, although if it's sweet-smelling it may give it away...how about mayonnaise? BRILLIANT post today. Brilliant!

FLAMINGO1 said...

What kind of place do you work where they won't allow you to go nude or fuck things?

Ridiculous.

madman said...

Could you ask others to look at your used tissue after you blow your nose. Explained you are concerned that it doesn't "look healthy." I'm interested on how many will give an oppinion.

Look forward to the photo.

jungle jane said...

Erin: yes us creative types are so terribly fragile. i am glad my sensitive nature shines through in my writing.

Lady: you've nailed it. good job! mayo it is, with mebbe a dash of tomato sauce chucked in to bloody things up a bit?

Flamingo: Frigging film industry. Its okay to snort cocaine off my desk but get caught blowing your boss and watch the fur fly...

jungle jane said...

Ohhh nice one, madman. I might walk up and down the street til i find someone with a heavy headcold and ask them to blow into a few hankies for me. a bit of food colouring (say green) and we're away....

josh williams said...

In the States of US we call it "sharded" thought you were going to fart but shit. I have done this myself and found that a pocket knife is very handy.
You faux sharded... In real life hopefully you recognize your plight and dismiss your self to a toilet and take your knife and cut your underthings from your body, if your outer clothing is soiled you mask it best you can and go shopping for a new wardrobe. Pants (slacks) underwear and bismoth tablets.
By the way as you may well know the project is a sucess! Thanks to you and your sage advice. JWW

YellowSock said...

Did you ever take Elmer's brand glue (the kind kids use in school) and make huge "blisters" with it all over your skin? You could inject the blisters with the mayo and just start scratching and oozing when the time was right.

tinyhands said...

I suspect your results were skewed because of the two people who participated in yesterday's experiment but were absent today.

jungle jane said...

Sausage we don't get Elmers here but it sounds just like what i need. please send the glue. lots of it. i can purchase mayo locally, although i admit its been several years since i went into a supermarket...

tinyhands you are right! and knowing who the two are, i think we can definitely put their names down against the furtive embarrassment column!

Henri Banks said...

wow god damn you realy are a onewoman show!!!!

Jazzy Justin said...

I like this kind of research...I have to commend it whenever i come across it. Carry on.

ing said...

Leeches -- can you somehow include a few leeches in the experiment? Like, maybe between the lesions you could attach a bunch of leeches and then you could
1. begin the workday by claiming the leech therapy is the cure for what ails you,
2. around lunchtime, start complaining about how you feel faint,
3. and at 1:00, get up from your desk and pass out.

And Jane, I'm confused about the ginab email reference -- should I email you about this? Erm. . . (that's a ginab reference).

jungle jane said...

Henri:
i do believe i am fairly out of control at this stage. i hope i don't explode!

Justin:
I am here to serve!

Ing:
I am extremely confused too - could you drop me an email? jj@thejungle.com.au!

the leeches would be yummy in a stir fry afterwards...

ing said...

Done.

F.J. Delgado said...

hey jane... i am a junglejaneblog virgin, and my first time was awesome!

i like your style, you should stop by my place some day and leave me a hello.

i would like to hear you rip more into the straight male/female US dating scene. seems like you do that alot, but maybe a another take?

rock on!

jungle jane said...

welcome fjdelgado. no-one stays a virgin for long in the jungle. i will visit you, oh yes!

i can't comment on the US dating scene because i live in Australia. i could always write about the australian dating scene but really that just involves a guy taking you to the pub for a few beers and then home for a quick root....

geezer squeezer! said...

'but really that just involves a guy taking you to the pub for a few beers and then home for a quick root.... '. if only it were like that jungle.maybe im just grotesque and smell?

jungle jane said...

christ i wouldn't know what dates entail geezer - men are terrified of me. it just sounded romantic so i wrote it. you know me - i see no point in being factual....

Henri Banks said...

No Jane you cant explode ,You are not ready There is still a lot of work to do to make this White Trash world Sick !!

crabcake said...

Don't mind me. Just passing through to steal something in an effort to make a few bucks. Carry on. Carry on. I was never here.

Crabcake exits, happy and humming.

PDD said...

I agree with Pinky (Flamingo) regarding your work environment not allowing you to go nude or fuck things. That is quite ridiculous. Completely unreasonable.

YellowSock said...

What is a ginab? And why would anyone not want to be nude and fuck things at work?

crabcake said...

Jane! Good news! I'm adding another half to your head. Took forever to find the right parts but, I do believe you'll like it.

sigh. I am such a giving person. Sometimes it brings a tear to my own eye.

enough of this now. I must get back to creating post haste.

jungle jane said...

Henri:
I appear to have succeeded nicely in Australia. Perhaps I should now move onto sickening New Zealand? I'll take it country at a time and maybe we can meet up in Iceland when I am done?

Crabcake:
If you are going to try and come between me and Olga lemme tell you girly you have one messy MoFo fight on your hands. m'okay little missy?

Pyschic:
Okay so it appears that my rights are being trampled on at work. Shall i get a petition together or should i just rock up to work, take off my clothes and start humping? Do i only fuck during my lunchbreak or should i strive for fucking and typing at the same time? please advise

Sausage:
sorry i can't tell you. There is a secret society that only Ing and I know about. I am sorry but you cant join our secret society. you can still leave comments on my blog though...

re being nude/fucking - yes i am aware that there are some very old industries that manage to combine the two very nicely...

crabcake said...

Will you forget about Olga for cryin out loud. She's got you hypnotized or somethin. I tell ya, she's a beastie. An ogre even. And frankly, not a very good kisser. Too much tongue for my taste. Might be ok if she didn't eat all that garlic but.... ick!

Anyway, I'm taking excellent care of your head. Remember, if ya can't trust ole crabby, who can ya trust? hmmm?

PDD said...

Interesting JJ. I often take off my clothes and start humping. I have written a story about fucking and typing at the same time. So please, anyone reading this, don't you even think of stealing that. It is quite the thing to strive for.

wallycrawler said...

OK you can't go nude and you can't fuck things Hmmmm.....Nope can't think of a thing . Hang on do a bottled water test . One bottle would be tap water , another would be Aquafina and in the last bottle piss . Ya that would be interesting . Umm maybe that would jepardise your job . Again I've got nothing . Sorry .

I once witnessed a waitress come out of the bath room with her dress tucked into her panties . This happened at a Super Bowl party . Nobody told her . We were killing ourselves laughing . She was serving people for hours with her ass hanging out . "F'n funny" ! "Man are such assholes" .

jungle jane said...

crabby:
i can see you have never loved.

my love for Olga is deep and pure and not influenced by any of these shallow traits you mention.

i think *someone* could do with cupid firing an arrow in their direction!

psychic:
i want to read the story! i want to know whether you capitalise things or just go for lower case entirely??

wally:
right. so you get grouped into the "say nothing but laugh hysterically" crowd.

perhaps the barmaid and i could get together and flesh out that "substituting beer for piss and serving to Wally" theory you had going? i will send you photos and the results, of course!!

YellowSock said...

Okay, I will accept that it is a secret society and still comment on your blog but I will have to go kill a hobo to rid myself of the self loathing I now feel for not being made a member. (Typical Thursday night fare anyway.)

jungle jane said...

Sausage its actually Friday here. You should remember that when you are on my blog you are in my timezone.

was that helpful?

YellowSock said...

Now it's going to have to be two hobos, damn it!

J to the fucking C said...

Damn baby, you gotta hell of a mouth on ya. I like that shit. I'll butter your muffin anytime.

wallycrawler said...

Jesus . Dear Lord :

Please lord of lords look down on your son Wally and give me a new "HOG" . No No No Not A Penis ! Mine's still HUGE and working fine. No Wally wants a bike and da wife doesn't . Give me guidance Lord .
AMEN .

jungle jane said...

Sausage:
Could you aim to make them male hobos? please?

JC:
my thoughts are about kittens and baking cookies. it's my evil twin sister that writes this shit.

Wally:
are you sure your wife said she didn't want a bike wally? or did she say she didn't want to be treated like a bike? i know its subtle, but there is definitely a difference

We Love Boobies said...

Add an extra 1 to the think of vaginas and try to chat you up scenario :-)

jungle jane said...

Boobies:
Nice one. the vagina crowd could do with a few less ugly members...