Today I carefully smeared shit on the arse of my white trousers and then wandered about the office taking detailed notes on how many people would be decent enough to alert me that I had mucked myself. Now I’ve tallied up the responses in an Excel spreadsheet (my assistant knocked it up after he returned from picking up a box of tampons for me from the chemist) and I am sure you will agree the results are so terribly useful.
- Number of people who whispered “Janey I think you might have over-delivered on your last fart": 16
- Number of people who opted for diplomacy: “Babe, I think you may have sat on something dirty”: 8
- Number of people who looked embarrassed, averted their eyes and said nothing: 5
I am not sure whether to be upset or not that so many in my office associate me with a leaky bowel, however I can confirm that I was perplexed at how different the data was to yesterday’s social experiment: rubbing a dead fish all over my shirt and leaning over people trapped behind their desks:
- Number of people who wrung their nose, dry-heaved and then tried to get away: 22
- Number of people who said “fuck dude you stink” : 3
- Number of people who thought of vaginas and tried to chat me up: 6
I am happy to take requests if anyone has a pressing social issue that they would like me to collect statistics on? Please remember however that I have a prestigious and well paid job that cannot be jeopardised. That means I can’t go nude or fuck things. So let’s keep it clean, eh? And yes, I would be happy to photograph and publish my fact finding mission for the good of the whole community. Amen.