18 January 2006

shit

Listen up y’all. Toilets are not just for furtive sexual relations and taking drugs - they are also good for female social bonding, disposal of unwanted dead parrots and taking calls on your cellphone. If the God Squad had their thinking caps on they would abandon worshipping religious shapes on toast and consider the symbolism of bog roll taint - shit is sooo special.

Bizarrely it seems that most of my homies are vastly uncomfortable with having to take a crap at work! Not so me - with the exception of weekends when I drop by my local church to do a holy shit, generally I only produce faecal matter in the workplace. I don’t mind using their cheap scratchy loo roll that doubles up as sandwich wrap – the fact that its free makes it worth putting up with anal bleeding. I also love that I am getting paid to do a dump – at my current consultancy rates I am earning eight aussie dollars for every load I drop! Some nights I eat curry so as I am justified in charging overtime the next day!

I love that I start my working day with a cheery g’day greeting to the toilet bowl – scat makes the flowers grow and that's real beautiful.

Crap plays a HUGE part of my personal entertainment during working hours. I like to wait until I see someone I hate go off to the loo and then tiptoe in quietly after them so that they mistakenly think that they are alone. I only make my presence known after about a minute and I usually do so by knocking sharply on their cubicle and cheerily asking them to pass over some loo paper.

If I am feeling mean or the vendetta I wish to fulfil is particularly nasty I enter the bathroom loudly about a minute after they have gone in, knowing my presence will cause them to break into dead dead silence and muscular immobility. I love to yell out their name in a greeting - “Hello Doloris” I squawk, knowing that the Accounts poon will be clenching her butt so hard she will be making involuntary noises. I then proceed to fuck about for ages, whistling softly. I brush my hair, i adjust my labia in my pants, i wash my hands and then i apply some make-up at length. Poor Doloris.

Anyhow. Enough about my stuff. How was your day?

86 comments:

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

My day has been, appropriately, shit. Literally AND figuratively.

Waking up first thing to cleaning SHIT from the crate of a puppy who will surely go on to guard the seventh level of hell.

Tried to post an audio post to my blog, and the playback was SHIT, and I sounded like a chipmunk on meth.

Thanks for making me smile.

Die Muräne said...

I spent most of my day locked in a toillet...someone was making noise outside and I didn't dare to go out.
But I had a good time in there ;-)

jungle jane said...

Hussy:
i LOVE that my shit puts a smile on your face. i would like to think that you have a chocolate milk moustache right now.

i still want to eat your strudel, you know.

Die Murane:
I gather you were practising your Afrikaans while you were trapped?

wallycrawler said...

I have a guy at work , he seems OK , but he's very disturbed . He has a shit everyday in the handicap stall doesn't wipe [No paper in da bowl] , doesn't flush ,leaves his crap in the bowl for all to see and leaves , never washing his hands . How do I know ? I had the misfortune of going in the stall after him ! I told a couple of guys and some guys had the same experience . Now everybody knows it's him ! Da pig !!!

jungle jane said...

m'okay Wally i have to admit i am all out of ideas. i crap, sniff the air gingerly and then get the fuck out.

do you think he's maybe an artist? should you post a pic on your blog?

waygon112 said...

I see you brush your hair, adjust your labia, apply make-up, but I didn't see anything about you shifting your boobs around?

maybe it's just my fantasy!!!

PDD said...

Can you spare a square?

ticharu said...

Don't waste the waste. I never give my shit away. It's too freakin' valuable to let the city have it even if I'm being paid by the hour!
Save it in a bucket under yer desk. If you mix it with vegetable scraps and dried leaves it only stinks a little.
Flush the paper away but keep the poo!

MilkMaid said...

Didn't I read that your home loo is outside? Hell, if mine was outside, I'd crap at work too.

I had a boss once, an annoying fat fucker I hated, that picked his nose all the time, SERIOUSLY. He walked in one day and found the latestest three inch thick financials on the corner of my desk and said, good, I need some reading material, as his skipped his ass off to the restroom.

God I don't miss that job.

My day is good, I yelled at the asshole paintball man this morning as I snatched the paintball gun from his sweaty little hands. MilkMan had a major melt down in the store, so he hurriedly brought it over so as to avoid an asskicking.

Thanks for asking. :))

YellowSock said...

You always know how to cheer me up! I love you more than I love Satan, murder and weed...combined.

Henri Banks said...

it was not a dream day but what the fuck i still have my piece of 20 year old coke!!!

PDD said...

"Dont fool yourself girl it's going right up your poop shoot"...

crabcake said...

So. That was you outside my stall door singing, "Come on baby light my fire"? I suspected as much considering the strong aussie accent.

FYI I have been constipated for 5 days now. My skin has begun to turn a troublesome shade of mocha. I am irritable and ...yes....gassy.

I may never poop again. Every time I sit down in my head I hear, "lightmyfire lightmyfire lightmyfire". It's disturbing.

Oh and don't think I don't know it was you who knicked all the toilet paper out of my stall. leaving me to clean up with the tail of my shirt. Cute.

I am going back to the john now. YOU stay put.

jungle jane said...

Wayne:
I have a fantastic rack. i don't need to re-arrange them. i am prepared to comprimise and tweak my Narnia in your name and extra time though?

PDD:
i never share my squares. i like the discomfort that people feel once they have started shitting and then realise there is no paper. aren't i a silly little bean?

Ticharu:
okay. i will shit into a bucket and keep the scraps for you. i will also place a small australian flag in it if you like?


Milky:
I do have an outside dunny. I also have an annoying boss. does this mean maybe me and MrMilkyMan may be related?

Sausage:
My soul purpose in life is to make you happy. Please move to Australia. they give you free weed when you arrive at the airport. Oath.

Henri:
My granny is wrapped and on the way. please send the coke and a photo of you naked.

PDD:
my poop shoot is the centre of the universe

Crabby:
Now it's my fault that you are full of shit? god. americans are so unreasonable. all i was doing was seranading your pubic hairs.

BadGod said...

I can't poo at work. Only at home, parents house and 1 close friend's house. But I have no problem dropping a deuce on a hooker.

I know! What the fuck!

josh williams said...

I had my poop glands removed. I neither poop or pass gas. I miss both, but my parents were very controlling and strict. Other than that It has been a splendid day!

Henri Banks said...

The coke is on his way but the picture i dont find so i have to search better or longer in the mean whil can you send me a pic of you (Naked )!!!

ticharu said...

Are all yer flags made in China too? What kinda shit is that?

morbid misanthrope said...

My day has been ok thus far. I didn't mess with any people doing their business in the office can, but there is a small chance I blacked out and killed five people.

jungle jane said...

BadGod:
if you can dump on a hooker that means that you can't shit in your workplace but are happy to do so in other people's workplace. bizarr-o!

Josh:
are you saying you are full of shit?

Henri:
i have sent you a picture of my pussy...

Ticharu:
right-ho. i need a bigger bucket now. one chinese flag added...

Morbid:
you are doing well. all i have managed so far is to take a nice big dump

drunkbh said...

That is some of this funniest shit (literally) that I have ever read.

When I want to irritate someone that is in th stall, I just flip the light switch and walk out the door. Our restroom has no windows and it is completely black with no lights. They will either have to walk about ten feet with shit trailing down their ass or make an attempt to wipe their ass in the dark.

Maja said...

I prefer to shit at work, because doing it in my ensuite attached to my room generally makes my room smell like poo. I'd much rather inflict that on my fellow workers.

I hate it when someone else comes in though. Or worse, is when someone else is already in there doing a poo (and trying to be as still and silent as possible because I've come in) and I sit there silently waiting but they never leave. I don't know why I care if they know I'm taking a shit, but it's a private time I don't want to share!

jungle jane said...

Drunkbh:
i love your prank very muchly. many people would be uncomfortable with wiping their arse in the dark. i am going to do that, but as i switch the light off i am going to play scary horror-film music too.

Maja:
You are in a viscious circle, girl! both of you are frozen and unable to poo. one of you needs to give in, complete the ablution and rush out before anyone can see you. i suggest that whoever got in there first should finish up first.

do you know you will get to recognise who is in the cubicle next to you by the sound of the splosh of their turd? oath.

josh williams said...

Yes of course I am full of shit.This has become a memo for the simple reason I can not consistantly keep making the same grammar and spelling errors consistanly so I am with this post going to cut and paste and post. Keep on the lookout though. Someone has my blog id and shit (word of the day) and is posting small little insults to fellow bloggers in my name, just enough to piss them off. As I have said in the past, "I'm an arse" but I am not out to beat people down. So keep in mind if you receive something negative towards you (out of the ordinary) it aint me its this fucking doppleganger that seems to be running amok in the blog world. Peace baby peace and shit like that... JW
I have a bunch of toilets for free, you pay the shipping and they are yours!

wallycrawler said...

Even when Drunk Bitch talks about 'shit' I get wood !

jungle jane said...

Josh:
you're my buddy - i know you won't speak shit about me. Now be a luv and get me a beer please.

Wally:
it's not surprising. shit is hot...

Satan said...

jungle jane i came to hang with you

i love how evil you are

evacuate your feces for i am coming to make a personal inpsection of your arse

drunkbh that whole light trick is a fucked up thing to do

keep up the good work

while you are a smokin hot piece of ass ive got my eye on shannon

her little games have me intrigued but i know i will eventually seal the deal

i am very tempting

i am irresistable

i am the lord of the underworld

i am your backdoor demon

Ms. Robyn said...

I have been shitting my brains out cuz of all the fucking fiber - i have to shit at work, stores, and porta-pottys along the highway between my house and school......my ass hurts like hell. just shooting the shit with you....

YellowSock said...

I'm on the next plane to Australia. I promise to eat a whole jar of kimchi before I board and shit the stinkiest, most foul load as soon as we reach cruising altitude. It will make the O2 masks drop. Oath.

Henri Banks said...

my god i need a bigger penis ,before i come into your jungle i need this operation done!!!

jungle jane said...

yayyyyyyyyyyyy Satan's arrived. buttfucks all round! drugs! whores! shaved pink mice!

Ms Robyn
i you got paid to shit like i do you would be making a fortune! have you ever considered shitting for a living??

Sausage:
Come downunder! Satan hangs here all the time too. just don't wear pink and bring your own loo roll, yeah?

Henri:
Once again i have come to your rescue. Please check your inbox. oh and make sure your boss is not standing behind you. i forgot to mention that on the last mail. ooooooops!

Erin O'Brien said...

Jane, you are a delicate flower, an enchanting lace snowflake, a gentle zephyr.

I am, of course, madly in love with you.

Well then, off to check on my dearly beloved, my marital aid, my baking meatloaf.

PDD said...

I like your new pic, Jane. Are you really that cute?

jungle jane said...

Erin:
I am your adoring servant you know. i want to read your book NOW and then use it as a Wedge. It will be called Erin's Wedge.

PDD:
that is me. i haven't been called cute before. i have been called odd several times though

josh williams said...

Hey, going for a haircut, from my sisiter she charges like $55.00 a pop but I get half price since I'm family. Her hair color was identical to yours up to a few months ago. Maybe your her evil twin, or the other way around. Hmmmm Cant wait I always leave the saloon being chased by women kinda like the beetles, I get an awesome cut the chicks dig a man who has big hair.
Sis: "How do you want it this time"
Josh: "Fluffy and pile it high"

Hope said...

I totally agree. It's a waste of time if I have to crap at home. At least at work I'm getting paid for it. There's nothing better than that, other than getting paid for sex.

Henri Banks said...

Jane JANE J A N E is that you ?
Cool Jane You realy rock!!!
Thanx for the Penis Operation how can i ever pay you back ...

jungle jane said...

yes people its me. i consist of more than one black and white nose and eye.

Josh:
I bet you are a real spunk with all that fluff. i think you should wear frills on your shirts and lots of paisley. i would SO be in love with you if i wasn't already in love with Erin and her Wedge.

Hope:
I hear you mate. I sometimes spend hours picking my nose at work for the same reason too. I think you should have put "I like to shit at work" as number 100 on your list of things about you.

Henri:
I thought you would like it. if i was better at photoshop i would have put your head on that guy. Mind you - if i was good at Photoshop i would have put your head on the girl..

YellowSock said...

You are such a sexy bitch.

jungle jane said...

you should see me with a cock in my mouth...

Captain Carl said...

Poopin off the side of my ship can be dangerous, floaters can make such a mess
They dont call it a Poop Deck for nothin

jungle jane said...

So Cap'n if i did then technically could we say i float your boat?

Tell me CC...where is your parrot?

Mike said...

Jane, my day was good! I am glad that there is someone else out there that appreciates crapping!

Captain Carl said...

ahhh....Me Parrot
they taste alot like chicken
not alot to eat at sea when the fish arent bitting

I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

jungle jane said...

Mike:
People don't use the toilet for entertainment nearly as much as they could do. i find that strange.

Cap'n:
I assume 'dropping an anchor in my lagoon' is an American term for taking a shit in my loo?!

DorianGray1854 said...

Nothing like saving up all day and then getting paid to drop a loaf, I've made thousands this way.

DorianGray1854 said...

I'm quite partial to leaving the occasional upperdecker!!

jungle jane said...

Dorian i am making so much money from crapping i am thinking it wouldn't be cheeky of us to claim air freshner as a tax deduction...

Captain Carl said...

Arrr...
It Pirate for lets get it on
but we can fling some poop around too

jungle jane said...

Count me in! i do get seasick though so i might vomit on the job...i doubt you will notice with all the shit flying around though...

Captain Carl said...

Aye..but there are plenty of mates here who would gladly swab the deck after were done
You can stand at the Cap's wheel while they use their tounges to clean up our filth fest

josh williams said...

Erin who? Yeah I'm really something and shit.

Satan said...

jane if i came down to visit a public bathroom in australia would you give me the glory hole treatment

what sucks about being the lord of the underworld is that you dont get paid for taking a crap

but since i have an eternity in hell it really doesnt matter

its not like anyone is getting paid overtime down there

jungle jane said...

Captain Carl:
that sounds ace - excuse me while i go dry hump the mast.

Josh
Erin O' Brien. Author of the best novel in the world. I am her new crazed stalker fan.

Satan:
I would like to think that i am your representative down here in Australia. I have stamped your logo on every toilet in the country, including the churches. Next i am going to claim all priests as yours too...

Lady K said...

good LORD it feels great not to be alone in this world. You crack me up.

jungle jane said...

Lady, i am so happy that my shit has made you realise that you are loved!

Satan said...

shit the priests have been mine for as long as i can remember

those guys know how to party down

they just need to check ids at the door

jungle jane said...

how about the nuns? you want them too or are they too dry to do anything with? i guess you could always use them as doorstops?

ing said...

c.o.r.n.h.o.l.e.

ing said...

(I just wanted to say that. It's a handy word, don't you think?)

If you're paid to poop, doesn't that take all the fun out of it?

jungle jane said...

Ing:
c.o.r.n.h.o.l.e is frequently referenced in the bible. it must be a pure holy word...

SafeTinspector said...

Hee! Doesn't work as well for men. At least, not around here it don't.
We tend to congratulate eachother on the quality, volume and audio volume of our bodily functions.

TheBlogSnob said...

I do respond to my email. What email addy did you send something to?

I like your new pic.

MilkMaid said...

Jane, I love your new avatar!! Your hair .... surely is fire engine red, LOVE IT!!!

wallycrawler said...

Hey JJ like the new [old] profile ! Thanx for da wood !

DorianGray1854 said...

Jane you shouldn't waste any more words on that captain fella. You need to follow the sweet sounds of the Sirens to the land of the immortals and enjoy a week of Satan and Dorian. We've been around for centuries and with that kind of time on your hands pleasure is becomes your number one goal. The idle mind is the Devil's playground, just ask Satan.

jungle jane said...

safetinspector:
i wish i was a man in that case. it sounds like you should be making a DVD and swapping them amongst each other....

blogsnob:
oh it was ages ago. but i just re-sent it to your MSN addy.

Milky:
there are changes rumbling in the jungle template - i think i am sticking with the cartoon not the red hair pic...

Wally:
i hope you were at work at the time? no sense in tossing off in your own time, eh?

Dorian:
i was kind of hoping to chew and spit out the Captain this week and save you two freaks for all eternity....

Captain Carl said...

Arr Jane you can do what you like with the Cap't. Me be bouncin from port to port as well.

Dorian needs to learn not to be a jealous swab.

DorianGray1854 said...

Eternity that sounds good, plenty of time to explore each other in eternity. Don't forget to bring your galoshes and nipple clamps!!

Henri Banks said...

Jane i cant get an erection with this bloody cartoon give me red hair jane back !!

PDD said...

Yeah, the red hair Jane was too short lived.

Hal said...

Hi Jane,

If you haven't already, you should read Charles Bukowski. He weighs in often on poop matters.

By the way, nice blog.
I discovered it today.

-Hal

jungle jane said...

Captain:
nice one. can you start by doing my laundry and passing me a beer while you are up?

Dorian:
I am using my nipple clamps to keep my keep my bag of cat food sealed tight. i have some vice grips spare though...

Henri:
say hi to your boner from me...

jungle jane said...

PDD:
The tribe has spoken. Red it is...

Hal:
i am not normally this rude on my blog. honest.

MilkMaid said...

Ahhh.. I knew if I boycotted your blog, you'd put the red back on, thanks ma'dear.

Did you miss me while I was gone? :D

Captain Carl said...

Only if the good Captain can smell your undergarments darlin...
make it Rum instead of beer
and give the good Captain some

Tis a Pirate's Life for Me!

jungle jane said...

Milky:
Dear gawd please don't tell me that you too were suffering from erectile dysfunction?

Captain:
i don't wear undergarments but i am happy for you to sniff under my skirt if you like?

Polyman2 said...

I love all this toilet talk!

josh williams said...

Jane you are a strong woman but despite your protests I have put your link on my site. Guilty by association. So be it JW

jungle jane said...

Polyman:
i guess i do talk a lot of shit...

Josh:
I am stoked and be assured you are on my list the second i get off my lazy arse and install it. i am your number one fan as you know. and will continue to be if you would kindly get me a beer while you are up.

ing said...

Jane, I'm so happy to hear that you are one of les sans culottes, a member of the tribe. Just be sure you don't catch cold. Didn't your gran warn you about that? I mean, before you traded her off?

Lady K said...

Janie, I will, once again, plug (no pun intended here) the book "Everybody Poops." What is everyone's obsession lately about taking a dump? EVERYONE does it. Can we all just realize that and move on? No offense, but the whole subject is becoming nutty.

Okay, okay...I gotta side with Hussy here. My day AND my whole week was PURE shit. If only I could get rid of the CORN component...

Henri Banks said...

Thanx Jane you sard My day !!

jungle jane said...

Ing:
my granny is african. we don't know much about winters. she did warn me of the perils of not adding enough yeast to my homebrew beer though...

Lady:
i know! these bizarre lengths people are going to to disguise plopping sounds is nothing short of stupid! even more silly is that these same people don't mind if others overhear them pissing! whaaaaa?

Henri:
I would HATE to stand in the way of a nice tug. i am happy to have been of service.

garrett said...

I supply a can of Lysol (Berry scented at present) to my preferred stall in my office restroom. Anyone and everyone is free to use it (as far as I am concerned), but as far as I can tell, I am the only person who does. I use it before to sanitize the seat, during to make it easier on the noses of unfortunates who come into the restroom while I'm thusly involved, and after to sanitize and deodorize the area for the next bowel mover.

I poop at work an average of two times a day. My personal record is four, I think. Maybe five.

jungle jane said...

Garrett i can see you take your movements very seriously and may i say how impressed i am with your toilet generosity.

i can only but pray that one day i can perform such frequent, fragrent stools.