16 January 2006

post-christmas sales

Not only am I utterly broke due to the stupid price of cocaine but I also need drug money for a very hip party on Thursday night to celebrate 50 years of trans-sexual surgery in Australia.

I therefore need to sell some of my personal property and as such I hereby offer to the highest bidder my grandmother and a black & white cat.

The two items can be purchased together or separately and both come with cute-yet-functional accessories – you don’t need to spend a single additional cent on them other than food and vet bills moving forward. Granny needs less flea powder than the cat but the cat doesn’t smell like mould so they both have their pros and cons. Should you buy them both as a package deal I will, of course, provide a 10% discount.

My Granny is 94 and somewhat incontinent but she is very useful for holding balls of wool while you knit. If you don’t knit you might be able to use her as a door stop or a scarecrow. The cat is quite old but his left eye is still good. He either has kidney failure or bowel failure – whatever it is it’s runny and reddy brown-ish – but he still rocks when it comes to washing his bum and making the dog next door hysterical.

I am happy to post pictures of both beasts.

The sale will start right now and will last for 48 hours. Please post your best offer here and indicate how you intend paying. I accept cocaine, direct money transfer or guns that I can sell to gangsters for cash. Monthly instalments can be negotiated. I will ship each item wrapped in bubble wrap but please note that I do not accept liability during transit.

Thank you for your interest. Together we will make the world a better place.

73 comments:

Rodes said...

well, how convenient! i'm short a granny at the mo so i'd take one at any cost. the passing of my grandma also seems quite convenient as she left me her entire underground drug lab (complete with user manual and recipe book) and empire in her will. so name your substance, colour and quantity and it shall be realised. i'll even throw in the limited edition 'making of' dvd (starring said grandma and mr X) and soundtrack. listen out for track 4, it's a ripper. cat not required.

jungle jane said...

no shit, rodes! do you knit? or is it just that you have a lot of crows?

so. you want my granny in exchange for your granny's drug lab plus merchandising? in whatever colour i want even if its bright fuckin pink?

who pays for shipping?

god. i am SO close to wrapping this deal up....

TheBlogSnob said...

Hold on there! You are selling a human being?! That may fly down there in "England Rejectville", but not here in the good Ol' US of A!

I'll give you one more, no wait, three more chances to redeem yourself.

Bye!

jungle jane said...

why would i give a flying fuck what anyone in the USA thinks? 48 hours is not enough time for a yank to ship cocaine and frankly i don't have enough bubble wrap for the 4 month ship journey. so suck my arse. thank you.

Rodes said...

can't have too many crows, i always say. they can carry the goods to your door. and bright fuckin pink is in these days so no problemo.

jungle jane said...

Rodes, can we save on shipping/bubble wrap and possibly have the crows collect my granny at the same time?

and are you SURE you don't need the cat?

Rodes said...

hey, my crows are very versatile so they'll be able to handle the granny too. i've also given the cat some thought and think that it could provide nourishment for the crows in return for their service.

jungle jane said...

m'okay. i am shit at math but lemme give it a go.

1 drug lab - 1 granny = deficit.
1 grannyless lab + 1 cocaine habit = deal waiting to happen.
1 crow - bubble wrap = naked granny
1 cat + pink merchandising = dinner.

rodes lemme think about it. the numbers just aren't adding up...

Rodes said...

well, numbers don't add themselves up, so give it a go!

jungle jane said...

now i have to be both the beauty AND the brains? where are the crows? who is holding the knitting? is the cat curry nearly done? where is the bubble wrap? has anyone racked up a line of coke?

jesus fuck do i have to do ALL the thinking around here?

Rodes said...

jesus fuck eh? have you been reading his blog then? he can be a nasty influence. that satan, tho, he seems like a real trooper.

Die Muräne said...

does the granny come with a "ring of nurnia" or plain?

MilkMaid said...

Oooo this works so perfect Janie. Crabby's birthday will be soon, I'll pay in advance and you ship directly to her.

An old woman to hold her balls of wool and a leaky pussy. Just what she'd want, I'm sure.

Hope said...

I'll trade your Grandma for mine. She'll put the fear of God in you and make you never want to smoke crack again. Wait, scratch that. She'll probably make you want to smoke more.

geezer squeezer! said...

you can keep them both.is there a glue factory around your way?

josh williams said...

I spent all my jing on the project that soon prove to be the end of the world. Otherwise I would be all over this! Unless you would like to trade a shit load of milk duds and a huge sponge?

PDD said...

JJ, you should know you could never get cocaine free of baby laxatives, ajax and coffee mate. I don't snort cocaine for this very reason. So just quit while you're behind. Drink bottles of methadone instead, I guess. Or just drink lots of coffee and smoke lots of cigarettes, like I do. You may die from a heart attack, but at least at your funeral you wont have anyone gossiping of how you gave your soul to satan and died of an overdose. Instead, you will have everyone weeping, saying that it was simply your time to go with god. Because God is such a powerful force, they wont even take the real reasons for your death into account. Yes, god is good.

waygon112 said...

does grandma put out?

If not, how about the cat?

Satan said...

cocaine - mine
human slavery - mine
trans-sexual surgery - mine

rodes i appreciate the props

that jesus christ has realized he has lost the game and is now trying to switch sides to use my gifts to you to steal away my people

jungle jane i hope this means that you are a trans sexual

i so want to twist your nipples with a fiery pair of vice-grips

wayne you are securely within my realm keep up the work

do not let jesus christ try to recruit you

i feel that this place is pretty safe from his influence

jungle jane said...

Rodes:
I have not read Jesus's blog - does he/she have one? i have no wish to be tainted by holy taint.

Die Murane:
Granny comes with a knitted blanket. i am happy to throw in a pair of false teeth too

Milky:
Nice one! you are such a good friend! i am sure you would be able to hunt down matching incontinence pads for both granny and the cat?

Hope:
Have my Granny. I don't fear God -Satan calls the shots in my hood, remember?

Geezer:
Well merry fuckin christmas to you too pal. thank you for caring. i can tell that you are just green because you don't have an invite to the tranny knees up.

Josh:
you can snort milk duds. I have never snorted sponge but am happy to give it a go. send me some sponge and i will get back to you.

PDD:
I'm afraid i gave my soul to Satan about 10 blog posts ago. i swapped it for a spare vagina. God sounds like a party pooper - he's not invited to my funeral. i was more hoping that Satan would be my headline act.

Wayne:
Pimping my granny would be sick but i do admit that your comment has given me an idea for recurring revenue. Let's say yes, they do put out and yes i am happy to rent them both rather than sell. Lubricant will not be bundled in though - please purchase your own.

Satan:
i have not yet met Jesus - i think he objects to the smell in here. i do have his nipple clamps though so please be my guest.

PDD said...

Yes, I too would rather go to hell. What with all of the wine and cigarettes, it looks like a blast. I believe I have already told someone in blogosphere that I'd rather go to hell and stand in a lake of fire with a good bottle of Cab. She was and still is a Christian, living in the real hell.

YellowSock said...

GeezerSqueezer was thinking along the same line as me...if there isn't a glue factory, dog food manufacturers would pay a pretty penny.

They pay by the pound so I suggest weighting her down with used tampons.

Jake_633 said...

I can't beleive yer willing to sell Angus the dead cat?
Truely?
Well "i'll give you all my lovin', all my hugs and kisses too."
Alternatively you can have my best off (Now that's a short cd)ZZ top c.d.

jungle jane said...

PDD:
it's not just about wine, ciggies and rings of fire - Satan promised me a nipple twist earlier. it's going off in hell, i tell you.

Sausage:
I think Geezer was suggesting i swap my cocaine habit for sniffing glue. I am not sure that i wish to sniff dog food. you are a strange girl

Jaaaaaaaaaaake:
I am not selling Angus - i am selling the old one, Ian. He has long ago stopped being cute and he is starting to smell like a boil. would you like to bid? I am not sure i can snort your best of ZZ Top CD though.

waygon112 said...

Jane,
I don't know if I'm into the renting thing. I prefer to know who's been plucking granny and angus, and if I purchase I can keep it a clean and wholesome atmosphere.

jungle jane said...

wayne:
I will swap them both for your dogf and your motorbike. do we have a deal??

waygon112 said...

sorry Jane, dog and bike is a no go.
I can send you the wife's poodle and an old bicycle

crabcake said...

OH WELL HELL!

You've gone and screwed me over again.

I only came over here because you promised you were going to aution off your brand new, as yet unused, 12 inch vibrator with the swirly on the tip.

Unless Granny has a swirly, I've been duped. Utterly and totally duped.

Anyway, if you need drugs, go raid Crusher's joint. He won't miss them. I killed him off today. Accidentally, of course.

YellowSock said...

Aw, I get it now. Actually, I'm so broke, sniffing dog food would be the best high I've had in a while. I can eat it afterwards too.

We Love Boobies said...

Ohhhh, it says:

I am happy to post pictures of both "beasts"!!!!

Just had to read that bit carefully.

jungle jane said...

Wayne:
Just send your wife. I need my laundry doing. Tell her to bring cocaine

Crabby:
you misheard: my granny is the vibrator - she shakes a lot. But i will have Crusher's drugs anyhow. any chance i could have his heart too for my pill i am inventing?

Sausage:
Eat the dog - don't waste the dogfood. it's better than glue - more classy too

Boobies
Beast. Not Breast. what a difference an "r" makes. I find the same thing with the word "fat"...

ing said...

If your granny can sing and Ian can dance, I need a good song-and-dance. I don't have any cocaine. Will you take Josh, just for a few hours? I have some business to attend to tonight and I don't want anyone cramping my style.

Thanks.

jungle jane said...

Ing, granny and Ian are all singing all dancing. they move as one and sing like angel. I'm just not so sure about the Josh thing - didn't roscoe say something unflattering about his dick? i am not one to distort a rumour or anything but i could have sworn there was something on his blog about it??

wallycrawler said...

Double J hey , I haven't had geriatric sex in such a long , long time , oooh years . Mind if a ask will she put out ? If so , I'm willing to offer my wife and a case on bologna . The bologna isn't for you . The wife uses it for sex toys !

Not for the weak of stomach !

jungle jane said...

Wally that sounds fine to me, but only if you promise to give your soul to Satan? I know that you are one of his aspirations and seeing as he is my mentor i thought i might broker the deal....

josh williams said...

ing is after another man, Roscoe's doppleganger(sp) is dissing my daddy parts and Jane is falling for it all? Jane you poor innocent child...What you need is a hug and behind the curtains kinda stuff. I tried to save the world and the world spits in my face! Gotta go , the world is calling. Best JW

Rodes said...

JC certainly does have a blog, but i'm not sure if he likes to poke his head 'round these areas. i think the satanic forces are too much for him. weak bastard.

wallycrawler said...

Naw I'm with J.C. and Bill . Sorry JJ but my mom would never forgive me .

jungle jane said...

Josh:
What i need is a gram of coke and some amputee porn. Can you help?

Rodes:
I think JC is all flowing long hair and man-dresses. I like how he makes wine out of water though. i wonder if i can get Satan to kidnap him so that he can be my wine bitch?

Wally:
Keep your stupid soul then. But that means you can't have my granny, her incontinence or the cat. Unless you give me lots of cocaine.

Rodes said...

actually, by the sounds of it, he could offer you a lot more than wine. seems he's quite the pill popping looney. but satan is still bad-ass.

jungle jane said...

Rodes:
he scores his pills off me...

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

i heart you, janey.

that is all.

ing said...

Thanks for the warning about the Roscoe comment and the unflattering part, though I think someone's a little bit jealous, because a little monkey told me that Josh is hiding something and that something is a whole lot more than it's cracked up to be. . .

(Okay, Josh, you owe me fifty bucks now.)

jungle jane said...

Hussy:
awwwwwwwwwwwwww you made me blush.

Ing:
Is josh teasing? is he hiding cocaine? is he? is he?

ticharu said...

Is granny still for sale? Is she dead yet? I want a granny for wall decoration. I'll pay extra if you mount a digital clock in her forhead that always reads 6:66. Can you do that?

PDD said...

Ticharu is MINES! ALL MINES! NOT MINE! MINES!!!!!!!

crabcake said...

Crusher's heart is pretty pickled like the rest of him but sure you can have it. I have it in my freezer. I was keeping it as a momento but I still have his liver so sure. I can share.

josh williams said...

ing: Checks in the mail!
JJ: Yes you can snort sponge,(or whats hidden in its corpse) its great. My daddy parts are not only handsome but just some would describe as strapping!Quite hearty, yep.

jungle jane said...

ticharu:
you can staple the clock to her arse for all i care. she would look nice with a clock nailed to her arse

PDD:
i think you will have to fight Satan for him

Cupcake:
send the heart and lets get high

Josh:
i also have a strap on

Erin O'Brien said...

Just checking on on the tag sale, jane. Seems to be going marvelously.

Next time, let me know ahead of time and I'll throw in some old TupperWare and a couple of pairs of soiled undies.

Satan said...

jane i was going to come over here and just say

lets knock boots

but i dont have any boots

so lets knock cloven hooves

jungle jane said...

Erin:
I'll swap you my grannies soiled undies for a pair of yours?

Deal?

jungle jane said...

Satan:
when i grow up i want to be just like you. with larger, nicer tits.

Satan said...

give me your soul and i will give you what you seek

of course you have to beat me in a fiddle playing contest too

jungle jane said...

I already gave you my soul 10 blog posts back - i swapped it for a small bag of weed. all i have left to offer is my grandmother and a black & white cat.

are we in business?

drunkbh said...

I'll give you 5 for the cat. My python needs to eat.

jungle jane said...

Drunkbh how about 10 for them both? last time i checked, pythons loved eating granny. and that's not meant to sound as rude as it did.

YellowSock said...

Jane, I was doing my semi-annual crevasse cleaning tonight and found a long missing gram of coke under my left tit. I don't want your granny or your cat but the coke is yours if you don't mind some fuzz and cheese in it.

jungle jane said...

i LOVE fuzz and cheese.

Can i snelch the coke pleaasssssse?

Tumbleweed said...

If you can't get the merchandise sold here, just post 'em both on ebay, they will go quick!

YellowSock said...

I don't know what snelching is but it sounds cool. Snelch it, baby, snelch it!

jungle jane said...

Tumbleweed:
I would have done so but they don't have a category for used up grandmothers and leaky cats

Sausage:
The snelch. Not quite a snort and not quite a felch. the art of snorting cocaine out someone else's arsehole...

YellowSock said...

Oh, I didn't know there was a name for it but I'm glad I'm not the only one who does it.

I guess I'll go hit that crevasse too. There's enough cheese and fuzz in the coke already.

morbid misanthrope said...

I didn't realize a trans-sexual surgery took fifty years. Talk about having to be committed.

Henri Banks said...

i found some 30 year old cocain its a litle bit hard and yellow but i think when you put it in your tea it must be okay ill send you my coke you send me your granny but please shave her before tranport!!

TheBlogSnob said...

Wow, you are mean. I like that.

jungle jane said...

Sausage:
You know i pick up all my bad habits from you, snelch sister.

Morbid:
you don't have to be committed - asylums are for mad people, not transsexuals...

Henri:
Fuck. I misread your comment. The cat got shaved and my granny got an extra sugar in her tea. please send the coke - i deserve it for the effort

Blogsnob:
i am a sweetie pie. IHeartSausage makes me write this shit. honest.

BadGod said...

You gotta admit that "England Rejectville" was pretty funny.

jungle jane said...

Badgod it was hilarious. because I AM NOT A SKIPPY! I AM AN AFRICAN!

BadGod said...

What the fuck is a "skippy'?

Tumbleweed said...

Just use the catagory..used auto parts.

jungle jane said...

Badgod:
a Skippy is an Australian...

Tumbleweed:
i registered it as a used BMW. when the buyer comes to collect they will realise its a cat and an old lady. nice one, mate.

The Seeker said...

Pure evil... I love it. LMAO