09 January 2006

a star is born

Yesterday I went into the recording studio to cut my very first album!

Anybody who has actually heard me sing will be floored by this news...many have remarked that my singing voice sounds uncannily like the squeals of a baby seal being clubbed up its arse with a pitchfork.

Relax gang. My new album - which is entitled Faster Baby - is the glorious soundtrack of me faking loud multiple orgasms (clitoral...not vaginal...for the benefit of the details Nazis).

Overcoming the eerie feeling that I was being watched in disgust by my dead grandmother, I recorded Faster Baby in order to fool the neighbours into thinking that I am getting laid regularly. I had to take cunning action - my ongoing sexual drought has now become so painfully obvious it’s got to the stage where I can’t look the Power Lesbians next door in the eye anymore. I really had to do something to dispel the perception in my street that I prefer a good shit to a root.

Like every classic album, Faster Baby has an epic anthem. I will be playing this loudly approximately every fortnight to pretend i am hosting a nice drug-fuelled, whip cracking, gang banging fuck fest. Unfortunately right now this track is as yet unfinished as I still need to recruit 4 backing vocalists.

To demonstrate my sexual versatility and to cater for the masses I have thrown in a catchy pop tune – I love how the sound of me slapping my own arse makes me click my fingers and tap my toes in time to the funky beat.

And finally, who can go past a nice slow ballad - perfect for a rainy Sunday morning. This symphony piece nicely demonstrates my orgasm vocal range and the series of vaginal farts harmonising with my crescendo of frenzied yelping are nothing short of beautiful.

I am so delighted with my efforts that I may place the audio on my blog so that it starts blaring from your shitty, tinny computer speakers as you enter the site. And before you all boo and hiss at me like spoilt brats please stop and consider the effort I have put into this – it takes 116 facial muscles to fake a climax but only 17 for you to smile…

54 comments:

josh williams said...

I love the sound of music. I once threw hot water on two dogs "stuck" while fucking. What a Dog Awfull sound they made.
Rosoce has his men working on his helicopter , maybe when he picks you up he can have your music playing through megaphones to scare the natives and to think you are having wild jungle sex with a helicoter owning type guy. I go bed now its time on my side of the world.

YellowSock said...

I recorded one called, "R.U.N.(?)" once but you couldn't tell what was going on...too much laughter.

Please put up the audio!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jungle jane said...

Josh:
how did you know they were "stuck". did they ask for help? would you like it if your pet dog threw water on you when you were rooting?

I will get the audio ready - does Roscoe want my logo on the side of the helicopter too?

Sausage:
I did not laugh during my recording. I was far too busy concentrating on the pitch of my grunts...

Henri Banks said...

I wonna hear it i wonna HEAR IT !!!!
Oooooooooh Yeeeeeeah !!!

jungle jane said...

gee Henri, sounds like you would be great as one of those backing vocalists.....

Erin O'Brien said...

Congratulations on your new endeavor. I'm delighted to see someone with your myriad talents breaking out onto fresh horizons.

This permutation smacks of a thrilling entrepreneurialism. I wish you much success.

jungle jane said...

Erin, as you can see i have done my best to keep this post clean - i would hate decent folk to think i can only talk about dirty shit.

but i just want to say it fucking means a fucking lot to me that you said that. i am fucking stoked.

and about the frog? crap, i am still fucking pissing myself....

ticharu said...

You must practice a lot!

FLAMINGO1 said...

Fortunately, you already have the album art ready to go too!

When will your CD be available for purchase?

Calzone said...

I think about your dead gram everytime I get off.

wallycrawler said...

Gotta have that recording ! My wife is the worst at faking orgasms . Clitoral or vaginal . Some times she yawns just as I'm about to blow . I could play it on my IPOD while receiving reverse cowboy and she'll never know .

Isn't it lovely to be happily married !?

ing said...

Wally:

I'm not even going to bother -- you're making it too easy.

Anyone else care to comment on that one?

jungle jane said...

ticharu:
I think my talent cums naturally

Flamingo:
I know! and i have the T-shirt too which i intend stealing from Henri! I hadn't thought of selling it - perhaps i should consider going on tour too?

Calzone:
One day i might even dig her up for you then. As a treat, like...

Wally:
I could do requests if you like for a small fee? you tell me what you want me to yelp about you and lets see what i can do.

Ing:
yes i could have had a field day but i elected to be nice...accommodating too...

crabcake said...

I GOTTA hear this one. I'm gonna tape it and use it for my own fakes. Not that I ever do. But if I did ever fake, I would use that tape.

An orgasmic sound track is something every girl should have on hand, like shampoo or chocolate. It's just sensible.

pssst, ing. I wanted to. I really did but you're right, it's just too easy. Even I couldn't go there.

ing said...

If I can resist this, then surely I can quit smoking cigs. (I have that book on order, Jane. Does Allen Carr have a book about not replying to Wallyc?)

jungle jane said...

Crabcake:
wot a fugging good idea! we wouldn't even have to bother faking when we fake! we could just play the tape, which is even lazier!

Ing:
No i don't think he does. But i think there is something in the bible about it? under the chaper The Gospel About WallyC's Sexual Prowess?? Wally, is that right?

YellowSock said...

Where is the audio clip!!!!!!!!!

Henri Banks said...

Yep where is it .... your audio clip :-O

jungle jane said...

*blush* awwwwww stoppit you lot....

FLAMINGO1 said...

I'm wondering if I can dance to it.

Maybe some rap "artist" (like G-Unit or Nelly) will pick it up and sample it on their next album.

wallycrawler said...

Geee Thanx at not taking shots a poor Wally's ,"Big Wally". Let me just say my girlfriend never complains ! Now da wife just might be da problem here ? Maybe GIRLS ?

Please be good to da Wally .

jungle jane said...

Flamingo I thought i might sell it to Michael Jackson to give him the right type of street cred?

Wally i am loathe to laugh at you - my batting average isn't exactly anything to boast about at the moment:-)

Mike said...

I would love to hear it!

Bloglisted said...

Your blog is so funny!

jungle jane said...

Mike: move in next door to me. the show starts this weekend.

bloglist: welcome! i am a fan of yours too actually:-)

Ms. Robyn said...

In America, we call vaginal farts "queefs".

josh williams said...

Its funny that you mention the how did I know thing...Elmo and Mrytle where their names and they were beagles. When one faces south and the other North both screaming in pain, I quickly checked my folks Kama Sutra and the pages were paw free, I took a wild guess.
I once paid to have a dog throw hot water on me when I was rooting, thats my thing ...OK?

jungle jane said...

Ms Robyn:
i love that word! i never heard it before! i am going to get a bumper sticker that says "i queef and i vote"!

Josh:
You should be reported for animal cruelty for naming your dog Myrtle

ing said...

"Ethel" is much more suitable.

ticharu said...

Well you didn't get those exquisitely toned facial features from smiling a lot! That's all I'm saying...

*subliminal message*

nekkie nekkie nekkie nekkie

Jozee said...

I used to be a power lesbian, we never listened to the neighbors but , Hey, if we'd heard your tape it might have spurred us on.

wallycrawler said...

Ms.R.& Double J :My gitlfriend calls them "Love Farts" .


I suffer from "Queefer Madness"!

MilkMaid said...

116 muscles???

Really??

Well shit, I should be a skinny bitch if it takes all those muscles, wtf?

kellywalters said...

Dude.. thats why my face is so wonderfully toned...

I never knew..

honey.. put it up .. go on.. put it the fuck up.. I wanna hear you sceamin!

waygon112 said...

sorry I'm late for a retort, but this sounds erily like a Mariah Carey album

jungle jane said...

Ing:
It still sounds like a grandmother name

ticharu:
the nekkie thing doesn't seem to work on my own blog. mebbe that's because i prefer the sight of other people nekkie??

Jozee:
I quite fancy the larger of the two PL's next door - i half think that my album is a bit of a mating call to her too....

Wally:
So. Don't you think Queefer is a lovely name for a cat?

Milky:
I admit it. i made it all up. i have no idea how many muscles it takes. 116 just sounded impressive. Just remember at least 80% of them would be in the Narnia...

Roxi:
Perhaps we can all put one up and have a contest of sorts?

Wayne:
I like to think of my sound as part Mariah Carey stepping in dogshit and part dog howling at moon. Ambient, like.

ticharu said...

#&@X^&#&!! Foiled again!

jungle jane said...

Ticharu it might work if you take your clothes off though. Give it a go, eh?

crabcake said...

Dear Jane,

I am stealing your profile pic for my next work of art over at the cowpie field. Not to fret. I won't use it in anything embarrassing. Not real embarrassing. Slightly. Maybe. It'll be ok. If you can't trust me, who can ya trust?

jungle jane said...

ohhhhhh i can't wait to see that Crabcake - whatever you do is fine, as long as pink (or any pastels for that matter) is not involved. i have an image to maintain you know and pink does not help.

ing said...

That pink stuff can really tilt the scales, can't it? Good thinking!

MilkMaid said...

Jane, TRUST ME, you WILL be sorry you told her about the pink thing...

LOL speaking from experience here LOL!

MilkMaid said...

And why the hell did I have to send a whole big ass'd body shot and Jane only has one corner of her face for you to abuse? Huh???

jungle jane said...

Ing:
Pink is the colour of the devil. Truly.

Milky:
You are so jaded! I am sure Crabby is building a beautiful shrine for me. you should have more faith, you know...god rewards those who..err...well actually come to think of it, god's not been very nice to me recently. probably because i keep calling him/her a cunt...

wallycrawler said...

Hey how many musles does it take to fake a smile ? I do that daily at customers and police .

jungle jane said...

gees wally, i know that i am creative and not practical, but even i can do the math. 116 + 17 = 135. easy.

ing said...

There's an easy way to do this one, requiring no addition -- Wally, count every well-developed muscle in your wife's visage, and voilá.

(Sorry, Wally, I couldn't help it.)

wallycrawler said...

Very funny girls !

Jazzy Justin said...

you should sample my neighbors here in NYC. They fuck like it's going out of style EVERY night, and I hear EVERY detail...it's mind numbing. They like it rough...where he throws her against shit in the apartment and he pumps her vigorously. It's sickening. The art on my walls shakes everytime they go at it.

PDD said...

Yes, Vagina orgasms pale in comparison to Clitoral ones.

Again, I haven't read the comments. I'm at work and there's just too many. So once again, I greatly appologize if I have repeated.

P.S. I am married now, but I never dated a man who wouldn't go down. And if he did, and did it poorly, I dumped him. Luckily, and ironically, my husbands talent is extremely rich and bountiful.

jungle jane said...

Ing:
that could get confusing if she is doing the double-fake


Wally:
We are totally cracking ourselves up here. Thank you for being so gracious about being our fodder

Justin:
Can you tape them for me? it would make a nice backing track

psychic
does your husband have a single older brother who would like to live in australia? if so, please email him to me now

PDD said...

He's the eldest of three children his parents created.
2nd is already married.
3rd is almost married.
And they all look like brad pitt, including my husband.
Sorry.

We'll try to find you one though. Mail ordered husband will be your destiny.

jungle jane said...

How about his dad then? any luck there? my mail-order-groom only needs to be alive and able to use his tongue....

Smallman said...

It's hard to find information on multiple orgasms on the internet that is as accurate as yours. I had came across multiple orgasms that actually explains multiple orgasms in more depth. Cheers.