Yesterday I went into the recording studio to cut my very first album!
Anybody who has actually heard me sing will be floored by this news...many have remarked that my singing voice sounds uncannily like the squeals of a baby seal being clubbed up its arse with a pitchfork.
Relax gang. My new album - which is entitled Faster Baby - is the glorious soundtrack of me faking loud multiple orgasms (clitoral...not vaginal...for the benefit of the details Nazis).
Overcoming the eerie feeling that I was being watched in disgust by my dead grandmother, I recorded Faster Baby in order to fool the neighbours into thinking that I am getting laid regularly. I had to take cunning action - my ongoing sexual drought has now become so painfully obvious it’s got to the stage where I can’t look the Power Lesbians next door in the eye anymore. I really had to do something to dispel the perception in my street that I prefer a good shit to a root.
Like every classic album, Faster Baby has an epic anthem. I will be playing this loudly approximately every fortnight to pretend i am hosting a nice drug-fuelled, whip cracking, gang banging fuck fest. Unfortunately right now this track is as yet unfinished as I still need to recruit 4 backing vocalists.
To demonstrate my sexual versatility and to cater for the masses I have thrown in a catchy pop tune – I love how the sound of me slapping my own arse makes me click my fingers and tap my toes in time to the funky beat.
And finally, who can go past a nice slow ballad - perfect for a rainy Sunday morning. This symphony piece nicely demonstrates my orgasm vocal range and the series of vaginal farts harmonising with my crescendo of frenzied yelping are nothing short of beautiful.
I am so delighted with my efforts that I may place the audio on my blog so that it starts blaring from your shitty, tinny computer speakers as you enter the site. And before you all boo and hiss at me like spoilt brats please stop and consider the effort I have put into this – it takes 116 facial muscles to fake a climax but only 17 for you to smile…