29 January 2006

hedgehogs


hedgehog 1 doggy 0

  • Hedgehogs live for up to six years. They are 20 - 30 cm long and weigh on average the same as a very large block of hashish - around 700g. They feast on slugs, snails, caterpillars, beetles, earthworms, birds' eggs, frogs and snakes. They have up to 500 quills on their backs with their face, tail, belly and legs covered in soft fur
  • A 'gutted hedgehog' is an amusing name for a vagina
  • Hedgehogs are lazy cunts. They sleep all day and and then hibernate all winter
  • There are no indigenous species of hedgehog in North America or Australia. There are also no indigenous white people in either country, but most hedgehogs are too polite to point that out on their blogs.
  • Hedgehog Humour exists amongst the hedgehog enthusiasts community. An example hedgehog quip: “unlike a Ferrari, hedgehogs have their pricks on the outside”. It is unclear as to whether porcupine enthusiasts use the same joke.
  • Hedgehogs are considered sacred in China. Cats are not so fortunate.
  • One of Europe’s top selling potato chips claimed to be “hedgehog flavour”. Angry hedgehog lovers eventually forced Hedgehog Foods Ltd to reveal that in fact they were flavoured with pig fat. It is interesting to note that pig supporters did not squeal at this. This anomaly can also be observed in the fishing industry whereby dolphin supporters elicit large amounts of sympathy at the suggestion that dolphin is found in tinned tuna, yet tuna fish supporters remain notably silent.
  • Hedgehogs are becoming increasingly common chocolate snacks at easter time. It is confusing as to what role they play in the crucifixion of christ as they are not specifically mentioned in the bible.
  • In South Africa it is considered hilarious to half pull two matches out of a matchbox to mimic an aerial and then to whisper urgently into the matchbox “calling all hedgehogs, calling all hedgehogs”. The origin of this nonsensical lark is unknown, however the author has done this more than 50 times and verifies that it is amusing.
  • Although anyone that has been impaled by hedgehog quills will swear that the animal is the windshield, when it comes to tarmac the hedgehog is in fact the bug. Traffic accidents account for 80% of injuries in rescue centres in the UK. If you do hit a hedgehog, follow this link for an awesome roadkill recipes
  • It is unlikely has been conclusively proven that Josh Williams would be able to find a Tom Waits song that mentions these prickly little critters
  • mr dna is *very knowledgeable * (don't ask) about porn star Ron Jeremy. He informs me that Ron is also known as "The Hedgehog"

106 comments:

kellywalters said...

woah..

then what are porcupines?? are they not related??

porcupines prick my ass.. seriously..

is there an ice cream that counts as porcupine or headgehog? Or jello?

if so.. I want in on that shit.

jungle jane said...

i think they are the same thing Roxi. Maybe porcupine is the Latin word for them??

jungle jane said...

my research stopped at hedgehogs. i will be more meticulous next time...

geezer squeezer! said...

tom waits is gay.

hedgehogs are not.

art thou at work JJ?

jungle jane said...

i am at work, geezer...my mind is not...:-)

geezer squeezer! said...

work is gay.i dont have to return to work for several days.yessss.
im doing the stereotypical,beer bellied,ugly man in his undepants surfing the net routine.you know,that old chesnut.

Ernesto Brabazoni said...

geezer squeezer i think you like the word GAY or is it self protection try to mastrubate with ya finger in your ass mate maybe you like one thin i know tom waits didnt :-b

Henri Banks said...

pOOr pOOr Dog i cant look at this pic damn now you got me jj

trueborn said...

That dog really got roughed up. I guess it sniffed the wrong end.

geezer squeezer! said...

ernesto brabazoni,i tried wanking with a finger up my arse,but due to sitting on the arse hand,said hand went to sleep.
and then my finger smelt of poo as i rarely wipe my bum.yuck.

Ernesto Brabazoni said...

Dude you are a man you are not gay.Put your finger somewhere else and enjoy life!

jungle jane said...

Geezer:
You will be an aged apprentice from Thursday. From Friday onwards you can expect me to be pointing at you and laughing. i will make sure i use my shitty finger too, titter...

Ernesto:
Welcome back - long time no see! australians use the word gay in a non-gay way. the finger thing is fun though

Henri:
i knew if i tried real hard and was very persistant eventually i could gross you out. sigh. my work here is done....

trueborn:
i have a feeling he won't make that mistake a second time, eh? poor pooch was ugly enough before he got punched by 500 hedgehog quills.

Henri Banks said...

Your work is done ? do you mean you are comming home honey...ill put the beer in the fridge!!!!

jungle jane said...

Henri:
actually i am coming home...in July...plenty of time to chill the beer...

gusgreeper said...

your comment on geezer's cracked me up i had to come and check you out. fuck it ROCKS here! :)

there are porpupines in my area. they are scary. but not as scary as the skunks.

tom waits is gay but im starting to love him through having no choice but to listen to him. it is out of my hands.

ing said...

First, awwwwwwww.

Next, is it true that hedgehogs have been known to steal socks? Because lately I've been missing a few, and man, I'm sick of that!

ing said...

P.S.:

Is this relevant?

trueborn said...

Weird. So the dog was already ugly and it went and did that huh?
Dog must have a death wish. Ever wonder if Animals know they're ugly? Maybe thats why we have road pizza. They're just trying to end it all.

jungle jane said...

gusgreeper:
and the compliment is returned! your site cracked me up - i would NEVER be brave enough to go to war with my hairdresser...come back! visit often!

Ing:
i LOVE your new piccie! so pretty! i am less enthusiastic about your japanese cousins and the gifts they are offering. could they not just bring beer?

trueborn:
well they are not called dogs for nothing!

well that's contraversial about the road pizza - i am sure that not all of them jumped - some of them were pushed for sure. they are ones with claw marks down the side of the road...

Christi said...

How on earth do you get all those quills out of a dog's face? Good lord!

Maja said...

I woulda thought that the dog would give up after just 5 or 10 quills in the face, but no, he seems to have kept on going until he got hundreds of them. What a dumb dog!

6 years isn't much of an innings, is it?

ing said...

They always come back for more, the dogs!

My Japanese friends should yes bring beer and a quarter. But all in all, what they have will do me. (I hope.)

jungle jane said...

Christi:
i am not sure i would like to volunteer to pull quills out of a bull terrier unless i could shoot a tranquelizer dart in him first!

Maja:
unless of course he enjoyed the sensation?

Yeah 6 years is pretty lame really when all you do is forrage for slugs, sleep and be worshipped if you live in china...

Ing:
holy smoke, girl. in that case you should start doing some warmups. if i hear the sound of a loud explosion coming from San Fran in the next couple of hours i will know you bit off more than you can chew....:-)

ing said...

Don't underestimate a lazy cunt, Jane.

Jerry said...

Porcupine quills have been a traditional component of Native American beaded jewelry since prehistoric times, particularly in the eastern, northern, and Plains Indian tribes of North America.

a word from our indigenous people.

poor fucking dog

that isn't an Indian name that is me just making a comment about that poor fucking dog

jungle jane said...

Fuck Ing. I was gonna dedicate this post to you and i forgot.

awwwww....now i'm gonna have to write another whole post that doesn't centre around excrement or snot...

well i guess it's good to challenge oneself with the impossible, innit?

jungle jane said...

Wow Jerry! no wonder porcupines stay mum when it comes to indigenous issues on their blogs!

yeah, poor dumb dog....my cat laughed his arse off though....

ing said...

Jane, would you get your cat's arse off my living room floor?

jungle jane said...

Just relax and pretend it's a hairband, Ing...

ing said...

Wha'? Is that Aussie slang?

jungle jane said...

i dunno dude. its the thing you use to tie your hair into a pony tail?

ing said...

Oh, pony tail. I thought you were talking about cat tail. You Aussies with your slang, man. I just don't get it.

ing said...

Roadkill has its season, just like anything,
There's hedgehogs in the autumn and there's farmcats in the spring.


--Tom Waits

Love,

Josh Williams

Steph said...

oh my fucking god, that poor dog. I think my vag knows how he feels ;)

MilkMaid said...

oooo.

that is just painful.

Poor pincushion'd pup.

ing said...

Is that Milkmaid slang? Man, I can't keep up with you kids!

matty said...

Aw, man! Ing stole my thunder! I knew Tom Waits sang of hedgehogs at some point. I've been searching my CD's but couldn't find the song/recording! By the by -- ing -- what is the name of that song?
...it isn't Blind Love is it???? ...I don't think it is, but it was the most recent title I thought of checking.

Hedgehogs kind of creep me out. But, so do porcupines. However, the dog looks cute to me. But, I love dogs.

matty said...

my love of dogs might explain my gay like attraction to men. I guess.

jungle jane said...

Ing:
Ing/Matty:
Okay. you HAVE GOT to be lying about the Tom Waits thing. You too Matty. I am going to go online to Lyrics.com or whatever to check it out.

Jesus. I am going to start dreaming of Tom Waits soon. And then i am going to blog ALL about it!!

Steph:
I am elderly and i am naive. Please tell me about your vagina and porcupine quills. I must know. The dog is interested too.

Milky:
Hey that's a GREAT idea for a pincushion! just use your pets! nice one! it wouldn't really work if you only kept fish though...

Matt:
i am struggling with the connection between gay men and dogs. are my delicate ears able to stand the explanation?

ing said...

All men are dogs. I think dogs are cute. I spent my Friday night at "Daddy's" in The Castro. Wait, does this mean I'm a gay man?

The song, Matty, is Murder In The Red Barn.

jungle jane said...

dear allah...everything in life has been sung about by Tom Waits. Everything. Josh Williams will be delighted to know that the score is now hedgehogs 2 Doggy 0

ing said...

There's only one way to put a stop to this. Jane, you're going to have to download the lyrics to every song Tom Waits ever wrote. Then you need to erase those words from your computer dictionary. After that, you have to run everything you want to post through spell check and eliminate those words your dictionary can't recognize.


The problem, though, is that Waits is so evocative. . .

jungle jane said...

Ing that would leave nada to blog about! i had to change my post to admit that Josh would in fact be able to flaunt TW lyrics...dammit i HATE being wrong. Damn that fiend TW and his haunting melodies!

josh williams said...

JJ: My Pleasure

Cold Cold Ground
Tom Waits


Crest fallen sidekick in an old cafe
never slept with a dream before he had to go away
there's a bell in the tower
Uncle Ray bought a round
don't worry about the army
just the hedgehogs lying
in the cold cold ground
now don't be a cry baby
when there's wood in the shed
there's a bird in the chimmney
and a stone in my bed
when the road's washed out
they pass the bottle around
and wait in the arms
just the hedgehogs lying
in the cold cold ground
cold cold ground
there's a ribbon in the willow
and a tire swing rope
and a briar patch of berries
takin over the slope
the cat'll sleep in the mailbox
and we'll never go to town
just the hedgehogs lying
cause we bury every dream in
the cold cold ground
cold cold ground
gimme a Winchester rifle and a whole box of shells
blow the roof off the goat barn
let it roll down the hill
the piano is firewood
times square is a dream
I find we'll lay down together with just the hedgehogs lying
in the cold cold ground
cold cold ground
cold cold ground
call the cops on the Breedloves
bring a bible and a rope
and a whole box of rebel
and a bar of soap
make a pile of trunk tires
and burn 'em all down
bring a dollar with you baby
in the cold cold ground
cold cold ground
take a weathervane rooster
throw rocks at his head
stop talking to the neighbors
til we all go dead
beware of my temper
and the dog that I've found
break all the windows in the
and the hedgehog that I found
cold cold ground
cold cold ground

josh williams said...

OK No more Tom Waits. I'll just speak my peace and move on...Probably JW

josh williams said...

OK I do remember a song with a porcupine that is why I felt justified tailoring Mr Waits Lyics to accomadate your needs. Its for you that I used poetic License, kinda like sampling...Sampling in a very eclectic sort of way. I...insert Tom Waits lyric...JW

From the desk of:ridden and not spele chked.

jungle jane said...

m'okay. i am starting to fall in love with TW. Does anyone know if i can buy a replica TW blow up doll for perverted knife games???

Captain Carl said...

ARRR....if ye be gettin a Tom Waits blow up doll, the Capt will be possesing it, an makin it me new body......Arrr....bet there is no Tom Waits song bout Blow Up dolls Matey........just keep that dog away from the Blow Up doll.....

YellowSock said...

I'm more sickened by the fashion choices made by the dog's owner.

I figured out why the twat is compared to these little hedgehog guys...If you don't rub them the right way they will scar you.

ing said...

Sheesh, ihate, what you got up there? Me, I'm like butta.

YellowSock said...

I just remembered a joke about a scabby whore. Ha! Oh, that wasn't a joke, that was my last weekend...never mind.

ing said...

Ooh, iheart, stay far, far away from those scabby whores. You're way too pretty to pay for it with $$ or with your health.

jungle jane said...

Cappy:
come and play perverted knife games with me instead! who needs TW and his silly tunes!!

Sausage:
Deary i think you might find that the fashion icon is, in fact, a vet. they usually wear clothes like that so that dog blood can splash about on them.

There is no such thing as Vetinerian Chic....

Ing/Sausage:
good grief you two. i was trying to keep it clean in here for a change you know...

BadGod said...

What the fuck is a "cm"? Or this "g" shit?

Damn you metric assholes!

ing said...

Looks like someone's eaten too much millet. . .

jungle jane said...

BadGod:
A day will come when you will join popular trend my lovely! you too will be walking about impressing women of your tales of your 30cm and it won't sound even a bit weird...

ing said...

Yeah, but then he'll start quoting Tom Waits, and then the apocalypse.

jungle jane said...

ahahahahaha the millet thing cracked me up hahahahaha that was the quip of the week, ing!

badgod you are totally my favorite grumpy deity..

Mr. DNA said...

This is way off the topic of Tom Waits (who rules) and slang from down under, but The Hedgehog is pornstar Ron Jeremy's nick name.

I don't know why I'm telling you this, I guess I didn't want to just be a lurker.

jungle jane said...

AHAHAHAHAHA thank you Mr DNA! i will immediately amend my post to include that FANTASTIC piece of hedgehog trivia!

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Is he spiky like satan?

TheBlogSnob said...

Oh yes. Now this is a post!

BadGod said...

BlogSnob! Stop be weird! You make me look dumb.

Anyway...So, jane...I am your favorite...deity. Is that like a sex thing?

Erin O'Brien said...

Badgod, you are a rooster. No one wants to have sex with a rooster.

JJ: you may borrow my TW doll anytime. Use a butterknife, though darling, lest you pierce him and he ... er ... deflates.

And JW, I cannot remember if I have shown you this before. Cum on get happy!

jungle jane said...

Hussy:
i don't know much about satan's spike. needles aren't my thing, titter....

Blogsnob:
you have fine taste, gobslob

Badgod:
well my favorite grumpy deity. and my favorite cock of course

Erin:
Oh you are a pal, thank you Erin. perhaps afterward i can use it to butter my muffin?

Steph said...

I did tell you about being pricked in the Vag.....well splintered anyway but it's sorta the same thing....kinda...

wallycrawler said...

A few years ago , I had my German Shepard comes home with a mess of quills on his face . Those f'n things are hard to get off . I had to use pliers to pull them off [ they kind'a got a hook on them]. My girlfriend said "your hurting the dog go to the vet" . So off we go to the vet , so I wouldn't hurt the poor thing . We wait for an hour , finally the doc takes us in , the dogs face is swollen to twice it's size . The doc looks at the dog , reaches in the drawer and pulls out a pair of pliers ! $150.00 later and the dog suffered for over a hour longer , his face was purple ! Moral of the story , buy a cat !

wallycrawler said...

Oh ya it was porcupine quills !

Polyman2 said...

You know, I've always been really curious about the habits of hedgehogs.
I still have a few questions:

1)Do they sleep in pajamas?
2)Do they ever feel guilty about being a prick?
3) Is there such a thing as Hedgehog porno?

ticharu said...

Jane, can you send me an audio clip of your sweet voice reciting a few lines from 'Demons & Churches'??? I wanna use your vocal samples to illustrate the 'demon' in this piece of music!
I turned what people left for comments on that 'eyes' pic into a piece. Now I want MORE...
I'll lick yer toes!

Bloodgood said...

Tom Waits blow up dolls? Hedgehog porn? This has truly takin a turn. Nice post, that poor dog certainly has some problems. I wonder how long it took to yank all those.

matty said...

I like dreaming of Tom Waits. ...turns me on.

waygon112 said...

Damn, poor dog.

I hate to see animals hurting.

Got any pics of that happening to a human?

honkeie2 said...

A whole lot of info about an animal I have never seen before. And it took me a while to realize I was looking at a dog lol

Toby said...

Are we sure those are quills from a Hedgehog? I didn't realize they release their's like a Porcupine will. Also, they look way too long to be from a tiny little hedgehog.

Another note: Porcupines have barbs on the ends of their quills causing them to stik in, Hedgehogs do not.

An ex of mine has Hedgehog pets.

crabcake said...

My first reaction seeing that pic was.....WHOA SHIT! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

Then I noticed my dog was missing.

came back over....put my glasses on, took a closer look.

Damn that girl! From the first day I adopted her I've had to pull her offa that dog prob'ly 50 times.

Now she's gone and shaved the poor critter and stuck pokies all over her.

BTW, Jane, the neighbor just called and she says her teeth were stolen outa the bedside jar last night. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?

jungle jane said...

Steph:
I am surprised your vag is not very wary of pricks to this day

Wally:
Oh dear – are those actually porcupine quills? Should I have posted about porcupines? Oh dear there seems to be several inaccuracies in my post. Bugger. I try to educate the masses and look what happens!

Polyman:
everyone knows that hedgehogs sleep in the buff. Porcupines have pajamas. Little hooded ones. They have no social conscience at all. none.

Tich:
I have a vague feeling you are taking the piss. Are you? are you?

Bloodgood:
Yes I know. Here is me trying to post good clean educational material and look what happens. I may as well talk about poo and bums.

Matt:
Dream on

Waygon:
Please please look at your comments section on your blog – its set that only team members can comment – whats up with that!

Honkie:
I am a fountain of knowledge. I like to inform and educate. Praise the Lord.

Toby:
Shit. Shit. Shit. Curse you mother nature for inventing two such similar species.

Crabby:
I sold your dawg to some chinese man who mentioned something about a stir fry. Sorry, but I needed the cash for drugs.

Teeth? Erm. Nooooo. Not me.

YellowSock said...

I thought you were just being kind to the hedgehogs, making it seem like they had bigger pricks.

Neil said...

Jesus, that is one scary looking thing. From beautiful breasts to ugly hedgehogs in one week.

MilkMaid said...

I posted some witty shit here earlier and now it's POOF, gone. Something about a poor pincushioned pup.

THAT POOR BEAST!!!!

And I helped Wayne fix his blog earler, you can comment away now!

Captain Carl said...

ARRR....hedgehogs good fer consumption?...........

josh williams said...

BULLSHIT! TOM WAITS LOVES HEDGEHOGS! He would never ever write a lyric to piss one off, dang Jane trust me on this one...K?

ticharu said...

I'm not teasing at all if I take your meaning correctly. I can sample your voice directly from my speakers, drop a bunch of effects on it and use it in the next Frappe Dream Gate recording. Since you contributed words I thought you might be interested. In all sincerity and yes I will lick your toes!

Roscoe said...

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.

"Yes," she says, I remember it well.

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

jungle jane said...

Sausage:
The world does not need more pricks. I am not sure about hedgehogs though - judging by this post they appear to be popular beasts who don't socialise often enough

Neil:
At least i did not post a gutted hedgehog this week...

Milky:
your wisdom is intact - its wayyyyy high up the page. the jungle must have moved quickly this morning

Cappy:
They taste just like chicken....

Josh:
I just got off the phone to TW. he HATES hedgehogs. Oath.

Tich:
I will do it! i wish to be even more famous and my singing voice is my passport to uber cool! i will do so this weekend and then email you a photo of my feet to kiss!

Roscoe:
i tried to mimic your joke using rooting hedgehogs but they fried to death. i hope you feel guilty.

ing said...

Jane:

You're loaded, right? Matt needs a Hello Kitty tattoo. Could you help a fellow out?

jungle jane said...

Ing:
I am bankrupt, but i have a sharp needle, some cotton and a tub of pink ink. send him my way but best make him hurry - i am so stoned i am worried i will tattoo a pussy on his arm instead of a kitty...

ing said...

I'm shooing him your way as we speak. I had to get him pretty wasted to get him on the plane. But um, I don't think he had his arm in mind. . .

jungle jane said...

Oh oh...i just know i am going to tattoo a pussy on Matt's weiner - you know how confused i get when i've had too many cones, ing. christ. good thing i have a whole bunch of pink ink...

ing said...

Because rumor has it . . .

jungle jane said...

*gets a beer and sets about spreading a few rumours*

ing said...

Too bad Josh is asleep. He's always so good about fetching the beer. . .

jungle jane said...

Can't we wake him up??

ing said...

If you can think of something noisier than his snoring, maybe. . . Or I know; let's throw our shoes at his head.

ing said...

I just ran over to Josh's place. He won't budge. Damn, I'm thirsty.

jungle jane said...

let's throw the cat at his head. it has bonus claws...

ing said...

Okay, but we have to reattach its ass first.

jungle jane said...

But then my hair will get all messed up....

ing said...

Jane, what do you not understand about the word BEER?! Priorities, dude.

Denny Shane said...

I have nothing to say... I just wanted to be the 100th comment!

Did I win anything?

jungle jane said...

Oh nice one, Denny. Your prize is a Ron Jeremy DVD....

josh williams said...

I'm here with the beers, drink up! Hello...Hello. I just did the Tom Waits spele check exchange but then my computer would not hold all them words so I am back to the olde world again. Beers! Damn you all sleep late, and in the nude no less. Wait whats this, Oh my God!...Oop look at the time gotta go to work.

jungle jane said...

and what does TW sing about cunninglingus, Josh??

josh williams said...

JJ:Rumor has it he is gay or bi so I will not ask him, just cause I'm such a gentleman. But if he did have a song using this word, I am sure it would have taken some time to make it work, not an easy word to make lyrical. Although it seems to be more popular with the ladies than Beetle Mania was, same hysteria at any rate.

ginab said...

Hedgehogs and porcupines are not the same animal. The hog is a little cloer to a possum except the possum hangs upside down in treesby her tail and she's actually more related to the kangaroo don't you know (she's go that pocket in the front).

Anyway, I feel damned awful for the dog.

F.J. Delgado said...

i can't believe no one has mentioned sonic the hedgehog yet! he was always on of my favorite video game characters of all time, he was blue, sort of mean, but heroic and determined.

it was an old school sega genesis game... why do i feel like a little kid in a cyberworld of adults right now? ;-)