13 February 2006

Speed Eating: Hotdogs

Wait up bloggers. Eating your food quickly used to be what you did on your way back to the office after lunchtime in the pub. Today it’s a bone fide sport for lazy cunce! I am not sure whether they have groupies and all, but if they do I bet the Corned Beef Eaters would be the ones getting blowjob action all over the place.

Corned Beef aside, it seems that Hotdog Speed Eating is so fucking hot at the moment. And these ‘athletes’ don’t fuck about, gang - the world champion can swallow 53 of the motherfuckers in a mere 12 minutes.

Well it’s Challenge Time in The Jungle! Let’s see what you can all do! Hopefully you will scrub up better than me – I barfed in my lap after eating a mere 6. let me know if you wish me to post the video – it was fairly chunky and pink though I must warn you.

You will need:
54 hotdogs -- 54 bread rolls -- Trusted Assistant -- Large tub of water -- Spoonful of oil -- Stopwatch - Bucket for vomit -- a proper audience or a tape of crowds cheering

Your preparation:
Eat heaps of bran the day before your attempt. This ensures that you will do a massive dump on the day, thereby freeing up valuable stomach space.

Step by Step guide:

  1. Swallow the oil to lubricate your gut. Try not to gag or heave.
  2. Get your Trusted Assistant to start timing you – a loud bell ringing can enhance the drama of the moment, otherwise a joke ring such as a fart is amusing for non-competitive practise.
  3. Grab a hotdog, pull the weiner out the bun and break the weiner in half. Start guzzling the weiner taking a small bite size chunk on each side of the mouth. This double sided chewing action is your passport to victory
  4. Swallow people, swallow. Don’t fuck about chewing too much – it wastes time
  5. Pick up a bun and wet it in the bowl of water
  6. Roll it up into little balls and swallow it like popcorn. Don’t chew - remember the mantra: “He who chewed was screwed”
  7. Repeat the above another 53 times in under 12 minutes

You can now prepare to receive your new world record. Then lie back to receive your blowjobs while your trusted assistants fights off the groupies.

Hazards:
Indigestion -- obesity -- noxious farting during groupie blowjobs -- syphilis

74 comments:

AndyW said...

The thought of 6 hotdogs makes me ill.
54 is just sick.

kari said...

That story is absolutely disgusting. A woman won...didn't she?

Toby said...

Are we all doomed? You had me going until the side effects. Is there no escaping syphilis?

jungle jane said...

Andy:
and they aren't cocktail size weiners either!

Kari:
my research shows me the woman ate 32 and won some contest. but the overall champion does 53 of the fuckers. And he only weighs 140 pounds!

toby:
oh that bit is a lie. i just thought i would re-inforce my previous post in case the image hadn't been graphic enough. sort of cross promotion, you know??

Erin O'Brien said...

Charming. Informative. Satisfying.

Almost as endearing as a pornographic letter I read betwixt the pages of Gallery magazine when a lass did something a bit less strenous and about as creative with a footlong, which, in the end, did not go to waste.

Bon Apetit, my darling.

Toby said...

Oysters: 46 dozen (552) in 10 minutes. My Heroine, she make me horny long time.

ing said...

Wait: If I chew I get screwed? What's the incentive, here?

Captain Carl said...

ARRRR.....make it squid sticks and ya got yerself a real contest.......

If ya want ta continue with the contest after ya puke do ya have ta eat the puke ta catch back up?.......

jungle jane said...

Erin:
Yes i agree. if i had children i would not allow them to play tennis or swim. i would want them to be the World Hotdog Eating champion.

Toby:
ahahahahaha i LOVE how she has a picture of an apple on her home page. Everyone, click that link!!

Ing:
well i don't think you actually get screwed - i think that's more like their philosophical mantra, you know. so really there is no incentive it seems other than obesity and a sore gut?

Cappy:
what i love about you other than your large plastic cock is that you are so awfully good at detail. give it a go and see, my love. i will film it if you like?

Zen Wizard said...

So women are turned on by men shovelling food in their mouth...

Huh!! Whaddaya know??

On my next first-&-last date, I'm having 2 chef's salads!

DorianGray1854 said...

Lips and Asshole, Lips and Assholes... eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Ewe! I think I feel the breakfast in my stomach about to come back up...

matty said...

Hmmmmm...

Can one just skip forward to the blow jobs?

jungle jane said...

Zen:
No. women are turned on by men wiping jizm on their floral dresses. oh hang on - that's your blog, chortle....

Dorian:
dear? are you okay? have you eaten too many hotdogs? do you need a bucket?

Alice:
did you have hotdogs for breakfast??

Matty:
what and miss out the good bit? their weiner gobbling? or are they one and the same thing??

Calzone said...

Hahahahaha...hot dogs.

Listen can you give me a place to stay for a few days?

Steph said...

would sooner peel off my own skin and roll in salt!

Denny Shane said...

geez, thanks hon... I was gagging just reading your entry.

Erin O'Brien said...

Steph,

Can I please have your shoes if you do that?

Maja said...

I think I could do two hotdogs before I felt like vomiting.

I'd love to see the video of you eating six of them!

wallycrawler said...

OK I tryed it and all I could get down was 20 dogs . I could have ate more but the beans I ate to help me fart stuffed me up . I feel like I have to burp but it wont come... out ...whooo... I just barfed om my keyboard ...and again on my lap ..ohhh I feel better now...Now I'm hungry again ! I think I'll have a pork chop or somethin , sa later .

jungle jane said...

Calzone:
Only if you promise to bring a dead chicken with you...

Steph:
you sound more yummy than the weiners. i just don't think i could eat 54 of you though

Denny:
And here was me thinking i was posting something nice for a change!

Erin:
you should see the picture of the shoes our Steph bought on her little spree last week. check 'em out on her blog...

Maja:
the video isn't of me eating the hotdogs, its just of me spewing them up - i only recorded the good bits

Wally:
fuck man you got it all fucked up. baked bean eating is a whole seperate contest man. like fuck dude how many blow jobs were you expecting anyhow.

jesus. i make it SO easy for you and all i get is a few farts in exchange. you KILL me, you lot do...

PDD said...

I would feel very embarrassed to fart while giving a blowjob. I want to sustain my good reputation for having outstanding table etiquette for as long as Satan will allow.

PDD said...

Oh, it says 3:33PM. I was born 3:33AM.

josh williams said...

I was on Alabama this July for a big doin's had a shrimp boil and for lunch one day we pooled our money and sent our youngest to pick up some sacks of Crystal Burgers. The Asian who weighs no more than 10 stone was not only the world hot dog eating champion but the Crystal Burger comapany had the forsight to have him as a guest contestant and he ate...A whole shit load of Crystal burgers. Thems the facts and I go bed now. JW

gav said...

class would have a woman inhaling dogs without the need to chew. Straight down, sans gag relex. Yum.

ing said...

I still don't get it. I don't get screwed, and a blow job will do me no good. What's my damn incentive? Is there beer involved? I'll do it for a case of Boddy's.

Anonymous said...

Jane, you know I love hot dogs...heavy sigh...now ontop of checking myself every ten minutes for sores after your last post, I am finally grossed out a bit by my favorite tube meat.

Henri Banks said...

I hate corned Beef!!! yek

jungle jane said...

PDD:
I think that the ability to fart whilst giving head should be applauded - it shows an enormous ability to multi=task, no matter what time of day one was born!

Josh:
Wow! and now he makes guests appearances? blimey he must get SOOO sick of eating. i'd hate to go on a dinner date with him...

Ing:
Yes the mathematics doesn't appear to be adding up, does it? I can only assume that this sport only benefits men? Blimey how sexist!

Sausage:
DAMN! i was hoping to make amends for my last post and give you a smorgasbord of delight, Sausage. My bad!

Henri:
We could get you a vegetarian alternative if you like? corned tofu??

Me said...

Sadly the day I delurk all I have to say is: Is "cunce" really the plural of cunt? I had no idea. Here, I've been spelling it wrong all this time.

jungle jane said...

Meredith:
actually it was just a ruse to get you to come out the shadows and open a few beers - i am fairly certain that multiple vaginas are spelt "cunts"...

Toby said...

"Cunce" takes the edge off.

ticharu said...

I was ready to play until I read that you can get indigestion!

wallycrawler said...

My wife once farted right in my face when I was giving her oral . It wasn't a queef [love fart] it was a full blown ass fart . It took it in stride and got back to work , "like a man baby" ! Bye the Bye , she was eat'n dogs that night !

DorianGray1854 said...

I'm cool now, but we could have some fun with castor oil and a shitload of blueberry pies.

josh williams said...

Any tamping devices allowed? I mean if you had an official tamper, you could eat and eat and like a baby chick tilt your head back and your tamper could take a broom handle sized tamping rod and shove the food down your gullet into your stomach. I think this should be allowed and not labled with the sigma of "a change of rules" but a "refinement of the sport".Then in 2 years, Olympics!

Zen Wizard said...

Jungle--

I could make the profound argument that if I am wiping my jism, she was either impressed with SOMETHING that happened that evening, or she's dialing 911.

(Or, she's a hooker--but you get the idea...)

Captain Carl said...

ARRR.....Janey yer invited to my sexy party.......

kellywalters said...

I made it to 3..

do I get a blowjob?

Toby said...

The more I look at the pic of syphilis lady is the more I want to stick a hotdog in her nose hole.

Cupid said...

I WANNA SEE HOW WELL YOU CAN SWALLOW HOT DOGS BABY!

waygon112 said...

To get off to a good start I did what you said.......I farted instead of ringing the bell. My assistant pasted out and me not know ing I started to gobble down said hotdogs.
Well I never heard a bell ring that 12 minutes was up and I continued to eat the hotdogs and buns. 3 hrs later my stomach exploded and killed all of the lookers-on.
I am now in jail for wiener-cide.
Jane, come bail me out please. And bring a large box of adult diapers!!!

ing said...

Bromatology aside, what's "pasted out"?

drunkbh said...

I wanna see one of them stuff 53 hotdogs in a body cavity (not the mouth) before I'll be impressed.

jungle jane said...

Toby:
Yes, its more romantic, don't you think?

Tich:
Dude a side affect to too much sex is cramp. does that stop you rooting?

Wally:
the cat sometimes farts when i rub his belly too hard. do you think your wife could have been trying to give you a message?

Dorian:
Yeah i am so down for that. I wonder if Ing likes blueberry?

Josh:
there is NOTHING in the rules about eating like a baby chick. i think you have just taken the sport to a new level you know. all along it just needed a scientist and a man of academia like yourself to state what is really the bleeding obvious.

your Trusted Assistant could hold the broom - once again, having a TA is perfectly within the rules...

Zen:
you don't think it could also mean that you are a premature ejaculator? hmmmmm??

Cappy:
Your party is very sexy indeed. i hope all of us lingerie clad hotties don't all start getting jealous and fighting over you!!

Roxi:
you've done well! Three should get you something. And i think a blowjob is a great idea because what ever you get - well i ate 6 so i get double

Toby:
you want her. admit it.

Cupid:
You are a day late i'm afraid. it's 15 February today in Australia. The flowers were very cute by the way - you shot your arrow well.

Waygon:
Tell them that you killed for your country dude - do you think that the path to glory is easy for top class sportsmen like you? It had nothing to do with the weiners, man. if anything its the buns that should be up on trial.

Ing:
its his nerves i think. i think he meant to say wasted. the stress of the compeition and all.

hey do you want to have some good clean fun with a bunch of blueberries? DorianGray was buying earlier....

Drunkbh:
of course! what a fucking good idea! the rule should simply be "ingest hotdogs" rather than eat them. lets see who can simultaneiously suck a hotdog up through their arse and their mouth. Then maybe lets talk blowjobs, right?

ing said...

Yay, good clean fun! Should I wear my Easter bonnet?

Toby said...

Do you have her number?

Henri Banks said...

No No dont get me wrong i am not a fuckin veggie I like meat i´m adicted to meat ......its just ... i got a problem with corned beef not with cunt beef :-0

josh williams said...

HOT DAWG!

jungle jane said...

Ing:
as long as you don't mind it getting stained with blueberries. i think Dorian was intending cooking for us. how sweet.

Toby:
she asked me to let you know she doesn't wear lace, but she's fine about the face thing. her number is 911 she said...

Henri:
let's go and play with your fourth gate on the list. they are serving your favorite beef...

Josh:
I was going to give people a guide on how to speed eat roasted ferret but i didn't want to be insensitive...

Tumbleweed said...

Shit your funny!

matty said...

Wait. Am I supppsed to eat the ferrets after I do that odd thing with my flovots? I didn't know that. Commander Josh did not tell me.

Hey, why is it that Commander Josh has not picture? I guess I should go to his mule and ask him as I suspect he is fairly busy at the moment.

...one of my relatives stumbled upon my full on nudes on the Internet. ...told my mom, who is crazy and now the whole trailor park is upset. sigh.

Ok. So. I eat the ferret. ???

MilkMaid said...

Oh thank fucking goodness ya got that ugly old wench offa the top of your blog.

Antacid anyone?

ticharu said...

Nothing stops the root!

Steph said...

Erin, I'll bequeath ( did i spell that right?) to you in my will mkay? ;)

Anna said...

Would take you up on this, but I just completed Speed Boiled Egg competition training at breakfast. I can't hit the hot dogs 'till lunch.

PDD said...

Janie:
Swing by my place, I'd like you to meet my family.

jungle jane said...

Tumbleweed:
dude you totally make me chortle. imagine if we met! we would be standing next to each other doing nothing but laughing...

Matty:
i too think its time Commander Josh posted a picture. perhaps we can bribe that brother of his to do the honours??

Milky:
i was gonna post a piccie of someone barfing hotdogs but i figured that two shock posts in a row would just be plain predictable!

Tich:
is that why people pull such funny faces when they are rooting? because they have cramp??

Steph:
Could you beqeath me your blog and a few ex-boyfriends please?

Anna:
Whoah! Boiled Eggs! oh god the room must smell! everyone block your noses! Anna is in training!

PDD:
your family have me rushing for the hills. So much pink! such high heels! so much hair! arrrrgggghhhh run awayyyyyy!

Mongrel Porksword said...

This whole topic is stimulating.

jungle jane said...

Mongrel:
you appear to be very stimulated. is it hotdogs that appealed to you or the possibility of a video of me vomitting? please elaborate?

As always... Rachael said...

That little asian guy doesn't fuck around. He weighs about 120 lbs. How is that possible?

There's was a show on a few years ago here in the states called "people vs. animlas" or something like that.

Little asian guy went to town on a plate of hotdogs against a bear, who seemed disinterested.

In teh last ten seconds... little asian man was up 50 hotdogs to ZERO. Then the bear decided it was hungry and swallowed a plate of 80 hotdogs in about 2 seconds.

I was kind of hoping he would eat the little asian man, too!

ticharu said...

Jane! I got you a heart for Valentines day! It was still beating but it stopped now, and it looked kinda good with onions and garlic so I ate it, but it's the thought that counts isn't it? Are we still best fuck buddies???

p.s. I drank all the beer after I ate the heart...

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The Taker of Gist said...

You act like competitive eating is a bad thing.

In the darkest days of the great depression, what could always be counted on to rouse the masses? A good eating competition!

I remember the first time I saw an eating champion. Four foot seven, he weighed almost 500 pounds. Heroic.

Toby said...

I called 911 and got a police escort. She's famous.

PDD said...

Janie:
Have always loved Pink!

Mongrel Porksword:
That is quite the member. It appears that you are wise. Have always loved many touches of gray.

blog Portland said...

What do the rules say about throwing all 54 in a blender, and downing it smoothie style?

Captain Carl said...

Arrrr.....by all means please fight over me.....I will sell tickets and we can split the profits..........

DorianGray1854 said...

You, Ing, Me and blueberries hmmmmmmmmm....can we play naked candyland too?

wallycrawler said...

Hey Dumb-Dumb . I like "Pink" too but not da singer !

Henri Banks said...

jane you drive me .....

Henri Banks said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Taker of Gist said...

So, how many people have been entombed in the catacombs beneath your property?

Or was that just a rouse to get at my Gist?!

Denny Shane said...

All together folks, "we want a new post! we want a new post!"

Sorry hun, I let my emotions get away from me a second. ;)