13 February 2006

Speed Eating: Hotdogs

Wait up bloggers. Eating your food quickly used to be what you did on your way back to the office after lunchtime in the pub. Today it’s a bone fide sport for lazy cunce! I am not sure whether they have groupies and all, but if they do I bet the Corned Beef Eaters would be the ones getting blowjob action all over the place.

Corned Beef aside, it seems that Hotdog Speed Eating is so fucking hot at the moment. And these ‘athletes’ don’t fuck about, gang - the world champion can swallow 53 of the motherfuckers in a mere 12 minutes.

Well it’s Challenge Time in The Jungle! Let’s see what you can all do! Hopefully you will scrub up better than me – I barfed in my lap after eating a mere 6. let me know if you wish me to post the video – it was fairly chunky and pink though I must warn you.

You will need:
54 hotdogs -- 54 bread rolls -- Trusted Assistant -- Large tub of water -- Spoonful of oil -- Stopwatch - Bucket for vomit -- a proper audience or a tape of crowds cheering

Your preparation:
Eat heaps of bran the day before your attempt. This ensures that you will do a massive dump on the day, thereby freeing up valuable stomach space.

Step by Step guide:

  1. Swallow the oil to lubricate your gut. Try not to gag or heave.
  2. Get your Trusted Assistant to start timing you – a loud bell ringing can enhance the drama of the moment, otherwise a joke ring such as a fart is amusing for non-competitive practise.
  3. Grab a hotdog, pull the weiner out the bun and break the weiner in half. Start guzzling the weiner taking a small bite size chunk on each side of the mouth. This double sided chewing action is your passport to victory
  4. Swallow people, swallow. Don’t fuck about chewing too much – it wastes time
  5. Pick up a bun and wet it in the bowl of water
  6. Roll it up into little balls and swallow it like popcorn. Don’t chew - remember the mantra: “He who chewed was screwed”
  7. Repeat the above another 53 times in under 12 minutes

You can now prepare to receive your new world record. Then lie back to receive your blowjobs while your trusted assistants fights off the groupies.

Hazards:
Indigestion -- obesity -- noxious farting during groupie blowjobs -- syphilis

posted by jungle jane @ 8:20 pm |

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