23 February 2006

shower shock

I am like not a lesbian, right. Just because I like fucking chicks TOTALLY does not make me a lesbian. So now that that’s all cleared up can someone please explain to me why is it that I simply cannot stop staring at other womens' vaginas when I am in the showers at the gym?

And for those of you out there thinking my gym sounds hot let me tell you its very rarely a beautiful thing – most chicks happy to wander about naked in my gyn showers also happen to have ghaspingly ugly lady-parts that closely resemble roadkill. At that's not even referring to the elderly patrons with snatches that look like they have been pickled. Maybe it's just me and fnqueen but I do find that overgrowth makes for a fucking ugly twat and a very quick shower.

I don’t know what the deal is with hairy girly-gardens and my gym but I do know that am yet to see anyone with a brazillian in the showers. No pubic topiary or piercings either from what I can tell, although its really very hard to make out what’s what with all that fluffy astro turf on display – I keep wondering if I just walked into the Hair Olympics.
I have now concluded that other chicks with bald beavers and piercings simply don’t shower much.

The exception to the 'too much hair' rule is the poor lady in my boxing class who appears to have a low hanging ham nestled between her poor overburdened labia – she definitely needs more hair. If there is such a thing as a clitoral nip and tuck I urge this chick to take the fucking bank loan and just do it. she should. I am not entirely sure whether it is a good thing or a bad thing to have such an unfeasibly large clitoris – I might take this up the most amusing Jesus Toast who kindly spent the past 2 days on Jane TV pretending to be my vagina. Toast is wise in matters of loosely packed kebabs it seems.

Anyhow. You can observe a lot just by watching. Is all I'm sayin'.

109 comments:

Denny Shane said...

Jane, you are right on.... trust me, I have been up close and personal to a lot of 'bowls of lasagna'

I try and keep things neatly trimmed myself and that's simply my preference.

Just because our ancestors enjoyed the au naturale look doesn't mean we need to follow suit.

Jesus Toast said...

I enjoyed my time as your vagina, I really did. One day maybe I can be your anus, or possibly your penis.

gav said...

That is one exceptionally large clitoris. I'm sure there'd be some that would still find issue locating it though.

Dongley Shlongford said...

I just loaded all over my wall.
Oh well, I needed to replace that wallpaper anyway.

jungle jane said...

Denny:
I have to say that 'bowl of lasagne' is a new phrase. i went to the freezer, got out some frozen lazagne and stared at it for 5 minutes. now i see jesus in every slice of toast i eat this days but i just do not see my twat in the lasagne. please explain??!!

Toasty:
sorry i kept poking sharp objects into you. i really just wanted to hear my vagina growl.

gav:
you would think that with such a large vagina she would keep her shirt buttoned up, eh??

Dongley:
just paper over it. the load works as glue

Jesus Toast said...

THe sad thing is that no one is going to love that girl for her mind, its always going to be for her huge gaping hatchet wound.

YellowSock said...

Maybe she's the same layla Eric Clapton was on his knees for. I wonder if she can pee standing up?

You could make a lot of money opening up a waxing salon in the showers. A seemingly untapped market.

I will now embrace my cameltoe and be glad I don't have clit-nip.

Toby said...

What to say? I can't agree more. I'll shave if you'll shave.

Mike said...

She has beautiful lips!

Denny Shane said...

jane, since I personally have never seen your twat, I do not know what it looks like. what I mean by a bowl of lasagna are those that have a dozen or so extra lips... hanging down, twisted up, etc. ;)

DorianGray1854 said...

She must need a walrus to be satisfied, I wonder where her stomach and intestines are hidden, maybe they fall out from time to time and need replaced. In that case if she enjoys drinking her liver wont be to hard to reach or transplant, or maybe due to the enormous size of that vag all her other organs are super tiny. I think my head is spinning-- speaking of heads I think I could fit in there up to my shoulders, I wonder if this feels good to her?

Zen Wizard said...

...well, after that picture, I will never again refer to YOU as "the life support system for a vagina...."

It's an acquired taste, like raw oysters. And, for that matter, I recommend a good slightly chilled Sauvignon Blanc as accompaniment.

Perhaps you could resurrect Jane TV, quiff dive on one of your willing friends, and we could all pitch in with helpful hints and suggestions??

(Not with the Ham Shanks Lady, however--that might not be a good "first-timer.")

jungle jane said...

Toast:
well as you know we all love you for your monster penis. life is like that i guess. shallow.

Sausage:
i wouldn't open the waxing salon - i would be grimacing far too much as i wrenched all those carpets off. and i don't think gag reflex is customer-friendly.

Toby:
i am not sure i like the idea of a brazillian for boys. i think boys need to retain some hair and an air of mystery...i am also not a huge fan of the sack wax...bare balls just seem...wrong...

Mike:
yes she has lovely long hair too. so blonde

Denny:
right i check again. nope my twat does not look like lasagne. i will take my lasagne into the gym tonight though and see if there is a match anywhere. i expect i will get some strange looks but yanno - scientific research an' all...

Dorian:
i think you are right. it is unlikely that the lass agrees that "size doesn't matter"...

jungle jane said...

Zen:
I am very skilled in the art of pubic topiary. perhaps i could ressurect Jane TV and demonstrate live how it is that one can achieve patterns in one's pubic hair...

next episode i could demonstrate bleaching and dyeing techniques. i think there is a whole series in this you know...

Toby said...

Okay, so when I'm in Hong Kong all complaints will be directed to your desk.

Eve said...

I'm so scaaaaaaared. Photo shop shows it's evil side?! Ha ha

wallycrawler said...

I dated a young thing that had the biggest clit .

That's it !

gav said...

you would think that with such a large vagina she would keep her shirt buttoned up, eh??

Yep - or at least put a sun-hat on it.

What a day - this is now my third comment related to vagina.

Vag is so hot right now.

Zen Wizard said...

Just don't do something cliche', like a heart or a Hitler moustache.

Wait--I'm talkin' you out of showing your quiff on TV for our free amusement! Do whatever you want!!!

Steph said...

Well fuck me ragged if i didn't just post about clits too!

The seven dwarfs could crawl inside that woman!

ticharu said...

How can I meet this woman?

trueborn said...

Jesus Jane.
I had to look twice. I was positive that she was the victim of some horrible wound.
Good Christ, it gives new meaning the the saying "giving head", because this time it would fit...

Satan said...

i would do her

jane you are mine in so many ways

i would eat your bowl of lasagna

Captain Carl said...

Arrrr.....the Capt be gettin lost in the folds......that may be the biggest croch ay have ever seen.......what do ya think she masterbates with......a telephone pole?........

jungle jane said...

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Bloodgood said...

THink about the period that woman must experience every month. I bet she passes out from all the blood loss.

wallycrawler said...

I don't mind a woman with the heavy equipment .

Bloodgood said...

Jane,
I liked your tv broadcast, so much Im stealing the whole stickcam idea.

jungle jane said...

Bloodgood:
If she's australian i guess she'd use a sheep instead of a tampon.

I am delighted you are getting TV! the whole point was to publicise it a bit so that i could sit back and watch you lot. i am interested to hear what you think - its actually quite intense.

i had to stop mine - i just wasn't getting any work done because my working hours is most my readers night time...it was heaps of fun though...

Wally:
yes but surely it is intimidating when your woman's clit is larger than your penis? surely?

Jerry said...

jane...you kill me...you know that don't you?

god damn!

this had me laughing

Bloodgood said...

That is awesome!! A sheep would make a great tampon!

I got my camera up and running, but I had a little technical difficulties at first. I tried to watch from another computer in my office and got massive feedback. Im sorry to the 2 people trying to watch. Now I have it on my dog buddy.

josh williams said...

I am honestly not turned on by a woman whose clitoris is larger than my penis. Call me crazy , but I also am not turned on by meat curtains that remind me of the theater. If I could be smothered or choked by a womans mommy parts then I'll probably not give her a follow up call.

jungle jane said...

Jerry:
I have to go back to the gym tonight. I think i might just shower at home...

Bloodgood:
i eagerly look foward to making rude comments at your cam! make sure the volume (top left of the application) is turned down...otherwise you will hear loud feedback and talking in your room. i actually turned me volume off completely

Josh:
so you are saying your wouldn't be happy to have a girlfriend who didn't need to use a blanket on her bed??

Bloodgood said...

Thanks for the tip! I actually look forward to your rudeness.

blog Portland said...

I'm pretty sure I dated that girl in college.

PDD said...

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. I woke up my husband, but he's back in bed now.

I shave. It feels fresher, cleaner and well... It turns me on more. Yes, I turn myself on.

I have to agree regarding having hair to cover the chicken skin some women somehow have.

I would cry if my clitoris looked like the one who sports that piercing you linked. Or maybe I would just stroke it all day and laugh. No, I've thought about it, I'd cry because I would be bound to stroking it for the rest of my life. No one to share with.

Meat curtains is the only thing I have left to say.

PDD said...

Janie:
I suspect that you are a genius. I say that in all honesty. All kidding aside.

Dave Morris said...

Her clit is right about where the belt buckle would be. Ouch, if you ask me.

jungle jane said...

Bloodgood:
i have a jar of pickles and a block of cheese. i am ready..

Blog Portland:
and i guess its since she dated you that her vagina is so large??

PDD:
No i think that clitoris on the link is definitely quite gross. no one needs that much clitoris. seriously.

i dunno about being a genius - i suspect we both just find that same shat funny. but i like the idea of being a genius very much indeed. i thank you!

Dave:
I suspect she wears maternity pants in order to fit that giant vulva in somewhere...

FnQueen said...

Whoa shit! Did that woman have a train run up her junk or what? I think that is the only woman in history that could actually take John Holmes and be thankful for all that meat! DAMN!

PDD said...

Can I just say I love Denny's term 'bowls of lasagna' so much. Too much.

ing said...

Yes, too much.

I feel so sorry for that woman with the huge vag. . . it's impossible to find emotional satisfaction, let alone physical satisfaction. But honestly, don't you think the woman with the huge clit is lucky? If she can't find anyone, I bet there are people in San Francisco to oblige. Everyone deserves this. Everyone should move to San Francisco.

ing said...

p.s.

Is that Kylie Minogue?

Hal said...

Jane, I hope that commenting on a comment is not bad blog etiquette, but I am compelled respond to PDD's "meat curtains," line. I haven't heard that one in years, and I literally sprayed a mouthful of water on my monitor after reading that! PDD, you're a woman after my own heart.

As to the large clit and large beave...I think Ron Jeremy could get lost in there. Hell, I bet if you looked long enough, you might find Jimmy Hoffa, or some other mobsters who got the wrong people mad at them.

That is one cavernous puss!

ing said...

p.p.s.

Kylie Minogue is lucky in one sense; she will never need an episiotomy (e.g. one of the huge reasons I've never become preggers).

Steph said...

Oh my giddy aunt!!! somebody has been injecting steroids straight through the eye of their dick!!

jungle jane said...

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Maja said...

Brazilians fucking hurt!

But a good trim doesn't hurt.

wallycrawler said...

That hasn't happened yet . I have seen a set of camel toes bigger than my ball sack though . Some lady came in my place of work wearing a pair of the tightest sweats [she was maybe 150lbs over weight] and her "toes" at least 8" wide a piece . "Pretty" !

The Lady Muck said...

Well, at least that girl must save a fortune on purses...plenty of room for spare change...

Fuckkit said...

I don't like communal showers on account of he fact I have beef with people seeing my... uh... beef curtains.

And she has beef curtains you could smuggle cocaine in.

Jesus Toast said...

Do you even read comments way down here? I am used to be down low when it comes to you anyway Jane.

And just so you know, I have an average penis, just ask satan, I hhope this doesn't effect our friendship. I'll still eat pussy like I'm starving and its is my first meal in months if that helps.

AndyW said...

That picture definetly gives new meaning to strapping a board to your ass so you won't fall in!

Zen Wizard said...

I like the spade-of-the-playing cards idea, but I daresay if you HAD enough follicles there originally, to give justice to the shape, then you should be donating the shaved off hairs to one of those charities that make wigs for rug rats with cancer.

Suggestion: lightning bolt??

drunkbh said...

The picture of the giant vagina looks like a pile of roast beef.

DorianGray1854 said...

You should glue a wig to your crotch and then sit around the locker room exhibitioning with a pair of sissors in your hand, maybe people will get the hint..

wallycrawler said...

JJ you saying you like fuck'n women doesn't make you a lesbain , is like me saying fucking women is for "poofs" !

By the way I don't say that !

wallycrawler said...

Hey Drunk what ya got against roast beef ? Sliced thin it makes a delicious sandwich .

YellowSock said...

Thanks for not mentioning that it's my vagina, Jane.

jungle jane said...

Maja:
So in other words you are suggesting that I should recommend to the ladies at the gym that they get braziliians? Right?

Wally:
She was definitely flashing them at you. and I am sure you didn’t stare at her for too long eh? Did you take any photos? You should have asked if she minded…I’m sure it would have been okay….

Lady Muck:
I think she spends all her spare change on loo roll for wiping – she’d go through at least one roll per piss I would think

Fuckkit:
I LOVE communal showers – my unorthodox appearance is not just from the shoulders up. Naked me certainly shakes things up in my locker room

Toast
Oh satan already sent me photos of your penis. I was saving them for my next blog entry which is entitled “do men with average penises eat pussy altogether harder than men with batons”.

Andy:
You wouldn’t want to go down there in case you lost your entire head I would think…

Zen:
I think ripping it all off entirely and tattooing a silhouette of Chuck Norris doing a roundhouse kick is the best idea all round. I can still donate to the cancer charity. In fact I might walk around my entire neighbourhood asking the women to save their pubic hairs for my cause and I will come back the following week to collect them.

DB:
I keep thinking of a giant turkey chin. Then Denny came along with his “bowl of lasagne” and so I went back to the mirror and did a comparison and now roast beef. I think the lady in my showers who has a vagina that looks pickled has roast beef – for some reason her whole groin area is a very nasty shade of grey….

Dorian:
How about if I sat in the middle of the change rooms with a wax kit and simply waxed myself with my legs wide open? That might be a little more direct?

Wally:
Exactly. I mean just because I also like to fuck crossers dressers doesn’t mean I am a man. Right?

Sausage:
A promise is a promise. I am glad we went for the little pink shirt – I told you it would match the blonde wig nicely…

Erin O'Brien said...

I can safely say that this post has all but erased the very lightly penciled "bi-curious" to which I have discreetly alluded in the past.

Although, Jane, if you're ever in the neighborhood, I'd be happy to shampoo your hair.

Erin O'Brien said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
PDD said...

Hal:
Glad you enjoy old school.

Janie:
you ARE a genius and it's as simple as that!

Erin:
I want to have a slumber party with you and janie and possibly Pinky if you would allow??

Jesus Toast said...

That giant vagina on that girl has made everyone sexually attracted to you Jane. Not me of course, I like Satan, but eveyone else has been lured in by the gravitational pull of those giant meat curtains.

PDD said...

Janie:
Oh and, I urge you to go to Erin O'Brien's blog if you haven't already. I assume you haven't since I didn't see a comment from you.

jungle jane said...

Erin:
that post is pure gold. i beg you to somehow include me on your list - perhaps number 99 could be "i wish to see Jungle Jane wash my mini. with her tits" or something else classy like that?

PDD:
perhaps we could weave Erin's list into your slumber party and somehow get the car wash thing going, yeah?

i would normally have invited Toast but he's got a crush on Satan. I am not sure what Pinky is up to but i am very sure that Satan would come in his place.

Toast:
i've fucked Satan. He's using you because you are related to Jesus. In a toasted kind of way.

it is my ambition to steal you from Satan even if i have to hypnose you with bowls of beef. and lasagne.

jungle jane said...

Fuck...i enourage EVERYONE to go read erin's post...

PDD said...

Janie:
I would be delighted.

PDD said...

Janie:
I just read your responses... you fucking kill me man.

Captain Carl said...

Arrrr.....ay was hopin ta be post 69...but PDD beat me.......

Pixie Sprinkle said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Pixie Sprinkle said...

i am so glad i am underneath you Cappy...

ChickyBabe said...

Lucky I had breakfast before I saw the photo! That would give belly button piercing a different new meaning. Ouch!

Captain Carl said...

Arrrr.....ay can see Janey......isnt it funny how fast ay can chage my clothes....

Toby said...

I hate computers

PDD said...

I can't get over bowls of lasagna

YellowSock said...

I can't get over meat curtains.

jungle jane said...

PDD:
Damn you missed Jane TV...back on tomorrow

Cappy:
you will always be 69 in my mind you little plastic devil

Carla:
Man i would LOVE to have a threesome with you and Carl

ChickyBabe:
she would have to use a jackhammer to pierce that lot

Toby:
you faded on us! come back next time!

Sausage:
i think Denny gets an award of sorts for that one. i can't stop eating lasagne. in bowls.

Van! said...

I love that vagina... I just want to.....kind of...fall in.

PDD said...

JANE!!

PDD said...

I told my husband about you Janie. I said, there's this girl Janie. She lives in australia. She is so fucking funny it's serious! She is so cute. She is so sexy. I want to do her. It would be cool if we could both do her. I do have to confess that as much as I would love to do her, it would be intimidating. I suspect she is a genius. I'm not. So I fear I'd let her down....

PDD said...

Right now I am in heaven. I am drinking wine and a pizza is going and I busted out an Ani DiFranco cd - the living in clip cd. I don't know if you have heard this cd, but it just fucking rocks!

I think Ani is too sexy!

Me said...

I snorted so hard when that picture loaded that I think I damaged something. Am I bleeding? No? Okay, good.

Right, look at the lasagna from the side, not dead on, sort of, hmmm, okay. Not mine but I can see it. Anyone else hungry?

Brazilian.... shudder. I tried to get waxed once. Tattooed and pierced as I am I started to cry like a big sucky baby. It fucking hurt. The nurse who does my pap smears told me that she was told by strippers that a moustache trimmer and a razor is just fine to keep the underbrush clear. My kids bug me about why I have a moustache trimmer in my bathroom. I tell them it's for my moustache and that they better hope I don't run out of batteries.

PDD said...

Meredith, I am taking notes.

Why can't I stop laughing. Janie! Stop working and save this world!

PDD said...

Janie:
Just tell me when you will be on line again. I'm sticking around. It's friday night. I'm 28 yrs. But I have a mortgage, so hopefully when I am dead at 40 I will be able to look back on all the fond memories of dusting....

Bloodgood said...

PDD I feel your pain we are so in the same boat. Age and everything.
Jane of the Jungle is awesome to talk to!!
I also just had the pleasure of speaking with sausage who is also awesome to talk to!

jungle jane said...

wahahahahahaha PDD and Bloodgood - you are both still puppies! wait until you are 39 years old like Aunty Janey here. Shees, you youngers!

Van:
i suspect you could fall in there along with your entire local football team and still have room to move...

Meredith:
i can tell you from very very good sources that you should NEVER get waxed and forget to take your piercing out first...


NEXT EPISODE OF JANE TV WILL BE MIDDAY MY TIME TOMORROW! BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

PDD said...

Janie, you are not 39. You may be in mind and wisdom and geniusness but not in body. Are you shittin?

I have revealed myself. Hear me roar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jungle jane said...

PDD IS THAT YOU??!! you total little minx!

sadly i am very definitely 39...for another 6 months...i should put a countdown clock up to my 40th birthday...so you can all send me presents....

Psychic Dumb-Dumb said...

Janie:
I thought you were in your twenties!! did i even spell that right? i don't know i am drinking, heavely.

If you are in fact turning 40 and i am in fact turning 29, which I am, I think we provide the best balance to partake in a threesome with Denny. What do you say? This question of course includes you, Denny?????

Psychic Dumb-Dumb said...

Janie:
YOU ARE A MINX!!!

I would totally suck your pussy.

Maja said...

I'll set my alarm for JJ tv...

Erin O'Brien said...

An extraordinary comment thread.

Here, I am a vicarious gynecologist, a personal salon technician, a man. A lesbian.

And another thing, one of my myriad idiotic nuerotic worries is regarding my genitalia. Does it look right? How is it supposed to look? Should I do something to change its appearance?

I have been told this is silly--after viewing Jane's post, all I can say is, "oh really?"

JJ- be careful girl, between these pix and that zippered snatch you left in Hell, our boys here might start swinging the other way.

Mongrel Porksword said...

I could tickle that pussy all day and all night.

Then I'd....GIVE HER THE GOOD STUFF!!!

jungle jane said...

PDD:
Special post coming up tomorrow JUST FOR YOU!!

Maja:
i would be honoured if you got out of bed by midday to come and chat!

Erin:
When you see the photo i took of Pinky i can assure that the boys will come straight back to our side of the fence, chortle

Mongrel:
you would need a HECK of a lot of good stuff i would think!

Wild*Hen said...

What the Devil!

It's Aunt Flo!

Erin O'Brien said...

It seems I am unable to leave this thread alone.

The photo featuring the enormous clitoris has forever blurred for me the line between cunnilingus and fellatio, which heretofore was thick, solid and inarguable.

PDD, you are adorable.

Mongrel, nice dick.

Jane, help.

Jozee said...

I still can't get over the idea people in Australia actually shower at the gym.

I used to see that when I was a
Y(MCA) member.

But everyone knows that's a confused Christian org as confirmed by the Village People so gaily back in the days.

I can recall far enough back that I remember when only lipstick lesbians and strippers shaved or waxed.
It only took about 25 years for the Brazilian to get to my town.
I couldn't wait that long.
Consequently wearing the smallest underwear I owned at the time and hiking it up for more torture resulted in my waxer thinking I was making a pass at her.

That was her problem. ;-)

Can't wait to see Jane tv.

Ay ya ma!
Do you realize how far back up this thread I had to scroll to edit my own drivel?
Oh, well.
Hope no one had a headache this morning.

Henri Banks said...

I know this Pic :-) .........

Captain Carl said...

Arrr.....ay be thinkin about getting the old Brazilian thing done ta me........they when the women grab fer old Carl he'll slide right in.......of cousr with a vagina like that Im gonna need my whole boat.......

Lipp said...

Giant Vagina
Are you a friend or a foe
the roast beef nightmere?

Zen Wizard said...

I don't know about the guys you hang around with, but I might be a little intimidated by a picture of a Roundhouse Kick on something my nuts are going to be slapping against...

That is a Roundhouse Kick executed frighteningly close to the proximity of Chang and Eng, the Bunker Twins...

matty said...

Wait! I think I know that girl in the picture! She hangs at this place I like just south of Tenerloin! Every time I try to speak with her she screams $50 and I just walk away sad because I would very much like to discuss her vaginal issues. Oh well.

I'm gay and enjoy looking at naked women. I don't think it makes me straight or bi. Who are we kidding? Me? Straight? Bi? ....don't think so. But, the human form is fucking awesome and women are hot!

By the way, love this post!

So, you know it is really quite lovely to have your own Personal Jesus -- even, I guess, Toast!

morbid misanthrope said...

Simply more evidence that looking at others' genitals is just asking for trouble.

Bloodgood said...

awww. now we have to wait until tomorrow to talk to you. Oh well, I was gonna comb my hair and everything,I figure no sense brushing the teeth sense you cant smell how bad my breath is.
tell Angus HI.

Bloodgood said...

P.s. I think I will Lurk for a while just to build suspense.

PDD said...

Janie:
Everything is explained and revealed on todays (sat) post on my blog.

jungle jane said...

lungfung:
auntie flo needs a sheep to contain that lot!

Erin:
surrnder!

Josie:
well. i have only one word for you young lady: ROLF

Henri:
yes, yes i do believe you have been here before

Cappy:
i also only have one word for you: Rupert

Lipp:
the beef is your best friend until you leave it out for 3 days

Zen:
Chuck Norris would be horrified

Matty:
My personal Jesus is....well...hot

Morbid:
keep staring, eventually it winks at you

Bloodgood:
gimme back my fucking dawg okay?

Christi said...

I think I'm sick now.