08 February 2006

budgie smuggling


There is something plain fucking wrong about men wearing bicycle shorts as leisure wear*. I even question whether their ewwww factor invalidates their practical value when it comes to sporting activity. The disease is spreading too – only last weekend I noted with dismay on my brisk walk around Balmain Bay that even rowers have now taken to wearing all-in-one lycra jumpsuits. My eyes! My eyes! Mummy make it go away!

If i am going to continue to enjoy my morning walk I am going to have to brush up on bicycle-pant-etiquette – the art of walking past a man dressed in spandex without guffawing at his groin.

Mind you, the world would surely be a better place if I tried to stamp out lycra entirely? Hmmm...perhaps I could walk about the bay in a pair of cycle pants covering a couple of lumpy potatoes and a large curved carrot nestled against my vulva. If it makes just one Lycra Lover question their decision to look like the raw ingredients of a nice winter soup then it's worth it.

The other way I could heal my pain though is to engage the help of you, the blogger, in my time of need:-

Female bloggers: please provide me with three names of male bloggers you wish to see in cycle shorts for whatever perverse reason tickles your tonsils.

Male bloggers: if you are tagged please immediately send me a photo of yourselves in a pair of bad-arse lycra cycle shorts so that I can chortle loudly until my phobia wears off. And no erections, please – The Jungle is a family oriented blog.

*Please note: this post DID NOT apply to Axl Rose who I love and wish to root

74 comments:

Denny Shane said...

That is a disgusting picture... especially since they all appear to be bigger than me! lol

waygon112 said...

sorry, I threw out all my bicycle shorts. Would you like 1 of me in a speedo?

Die Muräne said...

There are no pictures of me without errection.

ticharu said...

That picture was sooooo yummy! Jane, are you feeling OK?

josh williams said...

Put the the vegi's down the back of your shorts.Yep, do that.

Toby said...

All men should wear as much clothing as weather permits at all times. We're designed for utilitarian purposes only.

Captain Carl said...

ARRR...Janey me be considering burning out me Plastic eyeballs....that be a horrific picture.....ye have every right ta be afraid.........

PDD said...

I have two words to describe a more horrifying image: Camel Toe.

As for the three names of male bloggers I wish to see in cycle shorts:

PINKY
PINKY
PINKY

Jay said...

The horribleness is overwhelming.

The Lady Muck said...

The second guy in on our left doesn't look too comfortable... Spandex is truly terrifying, although I have to admit I always chuckle at the thought of any guy in gold glittery speedo's. Something about the way the light bounces off...

Polyman2 said...

My Polyvinyl shorts hold up fairly well to the elements. I just got to do the sock thing.

YellowSock said...

What's wrong with plum smugglers? It saves a lot of time weeding out the unacceptables for dating, right? Heh, I kid.

I nominate Satan (I wanna see if it's really forked), Captain Carl and you Jane. I know you are female but I really want to see you're stuffed trou.

jungle jane said...

Denny:
they look disgusting and they are top class sportsmen. what about Mr and Mrs ordinary running about with their hail damaged arses on display?? Lycra makes that oh-so worse!

Waygon:
buy more short. white ones.

Die Murane:
Well think of something solemn like your tax return and then have a photo taken. please.

Tich:
Nauseous. Can't breath. Too many potatoes.

I hope you don't show that to your daughter??

josh:
you are pure genuis. you are. and do you recommend i then walk around the bay backwards?

Toby:
shorts can be cute. they just should be painted on

Cappy:
Actually you are the other exception to this rule. i would like to see you in cycle shorts.

So Axl Rose and chiselled plastic guys are okay...

PDD:
you know that he is going to try and fob off a pair of popcorn boxers on us, don't you??

Miss Jay:
Their horribleness is further enhanced due to the redness of the pant. surely the law should include something about them only being black?

Lady Muck:
oh shudder. there has got to be a whole nervous breakdown in gold speedos. any speedos in fact. God, where is Legislation when you need it??

Poly:
I cannot believe Mrs Poly permits cycle wear in one who otherwise dresses so finely. Please send photographs

PDD said...

If Pinky posted his salt and pepper shakers, I would stare at them for hours.

Sporting popcorn boxers would just tip me over the edge...

jungle jane said...

Sausage:
right-ho. one cameltoe picture coming up. after all, i laugh at myself quite a lot.

sigh. i suppose you will want me to be posting these pics all over the internet then??!!

Hal said...

Lycra or spandex cyclist shorts, or whatever the hell they're made out of, are immoral, especially when they are worn around beer bellies, and pock marked buttocks. I saw one gal whose bum looked like Berlin in 1945 for the love of Mike!

Camel Toe, however, is a different story, for it never fails to give me a boner.

josh williams said...

Mike Jagger jogs backwards but he wheres tights?

jungle jane said...

Hal:
Send me your picture and i SWEAR i will worship it. white lycra is best, however pink works great too.

Josh:
m'okay so you think Mick Jagger should walk backwards around my bay? that's a nice idea - i will see if he's finished at the SuperBowl...

Erin O'Brien said...

I have to disagree with you Jane. At least with the gents you've pictured here, a girl knows what she's getting into ahead of the game. Call it a preview of sorts.

She takes a good look and then she can decide which way to steer the rest of the evening. Will she need some auxillary devices? The shorts will tell. Will there be fellatio on the agenda? Take a look at the package and decide if it's more than you can bite off and chew. And what about anal activities? Here is where the smallest of men are finally victorious, why shouldn't they flaunt it?

As you know, I'm married, so I will decline the vote. But do share the pictures, darling, if you get any.

josh williams said...

Yes Jane I think its high time you had a 62 year old rock star running backwards around the bay with you your veggie filled tights.

Henri Banks said...

when i was young and sporty i had also that kind of pants my climbing pants

matty said...

Right there with you regarding this material being used as "fabric" ...however, this sort of ready-to-wear look could come in handy when evaluating a potential date. ...so to speak.

The guy on the far right. He seems to have a problem of some sort. Also, interesting to see how we men opt for placement when dressed.

I do not own any spandex.

This picture. Is it art?

gav said...

bicycle shorts lost their appeal to me once electric blue and retina-burning-yellow were considered too 90's.

I now use glad wrap.

MilkMaid said...

Now THAT is a buncha meat and potatoes going on there.

jungle jane said...

Erin:
Yes i absolutely agree with you my friend, however may i politely point out the flaws in your logic.

See, i have no intention of shagging the men in the rowing team i encounter on my brisk walk and therefore the advantages of being able to see in advance if they are circumsized is mute.

Secondly, i would not go on a date with a man wearing this outlandish fabric (unless it was Axl Rose or Hal Perry) and therefore this becomes redundant too.

Nope, i believe that lycra should not be used in clothing.

Josh:
Mick is busy. Would you be able to take a break from saving the world to do the honours? i will make sure we select a very large carrot indeed.

Henri:
no. no. no. i will not have my fantasy of you ruined like that. i refuse to believe your comment.

Matt:
Matty dates men in cycle shorts! Matty dates men in cycle shorts!

Gav:
but they might be retro. please adorn a pair, take a picture and let me be the judge...

Milky:
yes and in some cases the meat appears to be quite squished. it can't be comfortable to be a potato in those circumstances...

Maja said...

I would like to see Geezer in lycra pants, actually ;)

jungle jane said...

Maja:
YES! YES! YES! Maja you can make this happen - seriously. I implore you for the good of mankind!

josh williams said...

I had a photo in route but Matt blew up the ship it was on, please send me the Carrot specs and I will do a reshoot. This time I will send it rail service, very dependable.

matty said...

...you know. I think I would date men in cycle shorts. Certainly one of the ones pictured -- however, I would try to convince him to change before we met up.

...this picture is stuck in my head.

I already knew I was a perv, but this is just sick and wrong!!!!

Um, do you know these fellows?

Henri Banks said...

nice that you have this fantasy from me i have got some of you to ;-)

Jerry said...

the inventors of Spandex were pervy old men yet the last thing these blokes were thinking was tube sausage in full view...you know what I mean? Spandex can make those of us less incline to "workout" appear less so....less so bulge'y...right?

still it has to go somewhere...if I have on spandex cycle shorts does all that chub go to my head and if so I would have a hard time keeping it upright?

yeah you'd think....(sideways glance)

jungle jane said...

Josh:
The carrot should be circumsized. Is that okay? or alternatively you could place a ship in your pants??

Matty:
Oh sweety. I am so worried about you. you are either mesmerised or running a fever. I do not know these fellows but i do feel i would recognise them should i walk past them on my brisk walk. If i do, i will cop a feel for you, eh?

Henri:
I hope yours don't involved red cycling pants...

Jerry:
in australia "having a chubby" means you have an erection. so possibly the lard from your stomach simply settle in your penis, which would explain why the lads in my picture appear to be so...err...lumpy....

Henri Banks said...

No pants at all Jane no pants at all

genni said...

axl rose!!! even NOW you still want to root him?

ticharu said...

This is way too entertaining. I spend more time at your site reading comments that I do at my own!

Jozee said...

And we all thought leisure suits and sweats were bad fashion trends.
At least things were heavily packaged then.

I live in a crunchy town where all the wrong sort of people now run around in spandex.

Since when does "anything goes" count as fashion?

P.S. The best indicator of good sex in my book is a person's hands and whether or not they know how to use them. Spandex gloves anyone?

kari said...

Oh yes...snorted coffee out my nose when I was greeted by that picture my first visit here. I'll be back. As soon as I figure out who I want to see in bike shorts that is.

josh williams said...

Circumsized it is, I'll start whittling this afternoon. If Mick stands you up I will run backwards around the carrot in the front on my pants.

kellywalters said...

mmmmmmmmmm.. yummy..

NOT!

I have no need to want to see any bloggers in bycicle shorts.. I dont even want to see people riding bikes in bycicle shorts..

I'm having a drive tommorow at the wal mart .. anyone that hands in their spandex gets a dollar.

yeah thats it.. a dollar bitch..

that'll buy a pepsi or coke to keep your fat ass out of spandex..

what..
????

is that wrong?

matty said...

I don't have any spandex to turn over and am not over weight, but can I have a dollar?

FLAMINGO1 said...

I think I was tagged and have been searching for a picture of myself in spandex biking shorts for a week now.

Would you be willing to accept a picture of me in a pair of popcorn box boxers???

Fuckkit said...

Eradicate lycra one step at a time by blatently pointing at the crotch of people wearing said fashion faux pas and laughing hysterically.

jungle jane said...

Henri:
oh i already threw yours away in my fantasty. luckily for you Australia is warm and my fantasty takes place here:-)

Genni:
hahahahahahha you signed up!! yes well i would just be using Axl for sex you know. I have given up my dream of marrying him for someone more realistic like Tommy Lee.

Tich:
Well, if you post a picture on your site of you wearing spandex i am SURE you will enjoy your comments. I think pink spandex would look like on you??

Jozee:
wait until you see a spandex jump suit. they are shocking and make me want to tear my eyes out. all in one - like a boiler suit made from lycra. I think i may give them all free air tickets to your town...my town is not big enough for them...

Matty:
oh thank god - the spell is broken. i thought we had lost you to a bunch of very large groins

Flamingo:
i am so terribly sorry but we require lycra shorts. you were tagged 3 times by the same person which according to my calculations means 3 different pairs of shorts. lets go for red, whit and blue shall we?

s

jungle jane said...

Fuckit:
i have been doing a loud bwahahahaha but my belly hurts and i want to scratch my eyes out after a while.

Especially because the rowing club has a very active over 60's section and although i am not ageist, 75 year olds SHOULD NOT wear spandex....

Roscoe said...

JJ, in days before spandex, Josh considered taking up Ferret Legging as a sport. His Mum and the school nurse persuaded him to consider other interests. Stick those weasels in your shorts and stretch’em.

kellywalters said...

matt- fuck it.. you can have 2 dollars!

jungle jane said...

Roscoe:
I was wondering how it was that Josh was so familiar with the Loaded Back Walk.

He is VERY modest about his achievements don't you think??

Roxi:
I say give him a dollar and a nice thick blindfold!

Christi said...

Kurt-http://otherpeopleexist.blogspot.com/
Mark-http://daemoncainfitness.blogspot.com/
Grumpy Teacher-http://iamgettingfat.blogspot.com/

I am holding my breath until I see these pictures!

josh williams said...

Ferret Legging is a proud and noble sport and should not be joked about.Its like one of those off limits kinda subjects.By the way you do not ferret leg in spandex, you wear baggy white trousers, white so the blood shows better, its for true. JW

jungle jane said...

ahaahahaha Christi you have to get them to come on over to collect their tag. i cannot wait to see their vegetable arrangements either!

Josh, surely the ferret will fill the trouser out and merely make the trouser look like you are sporting a morning tent-pole erection under your bed sheet?

ing said...

Yo, does the person we see in spandex have to be a blogger? Because the only bloggerman I want to see in bicycle shorts is Captain Carl (as long as we can stay away from red). Only for statistical purposes, mind you. I'm curious what salt will do to a man in shorts. . .

jungle jane said...

ing the red does seem to be particularly upsetting. Although i am with you on your vote mate. I too wish to view Cappy in full bloom. i am even wondering if he would consent to posing in wet shorts....

Steph said...

Ohhh why do men wear these abominations? Fella's wake up and smell the spandex. It is impossible for your wang to look good in this material. Unless you are hung like an elephant, and if that is the case, email me :P

jungle jane said...

steph you are wise, however i doubt that even elephants would wear these garments...

drunkbh said...

I don't want to see any man in spandex.....Unless....They can steer a boat without hands. I need measurments before I can decide which ones I want to see.

Captain Carl said...

ARRRR.....Ive been lookin for a pair of Spandex my size but the only line of close that be fittin the Capt be the Ken Doll, and that fucker must not bike.........

josh williams said...

A passage from one of my early book reviews explaining Ferret legging.


Heres how its done (if memory serves) the participant is not allowed to be drunk or on drugs, he/she? is required to wear white baggy trousers with out underthings. They tie the pants at the cuffs and drop two ferrets down the front of sportsman's pants, he then cinch's his pants closed and then they time how long he can keep the ferrets in his trousers before giving into their clawing and biting, the white pants show blood well, a real crowd pleaser.
Well as I recall the record was below a minute for years until this old man came in and dropped the duo down his pants and stood there for over eight hours, the crowd grew bored and left otherwise he could have endured it longer. Apparently this gentleman would hunt with ferrets and this is how he transported them, he admitted that they really scratched and clawed him, why one time one latched onto one of his jewels and it swelled to the size of a coffee can!

This sport is practiced in remote Northern England or is it remote southern Scotland?

josh williams said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Toby said...

I'm going to start commenting about my dreams if you don't make it go away.

jungle jane said...

Drunkbh:
Yanno you are one very wise chick. Maybe that's the yardstick: if they are not excessively lumpy and if the pass and length and girth test then they may wear the shorts. just not in red - ever.

Cappy:
Okay then. you may go nude. Ing, pass me the camera mate...

Josh:
That old man is my grandfather. I know his secrets and because i can tell how depressed you are at his ferret prowess and your lack of prowess i will spill the beans.

He drugs the ferrets. It's all a big scam. And man does he rake in the coin with all that merchandising, fan clubs and television appearances. I'm telling you. He gets laid 3 times a day too. By different ferrets.

Toby:
you BASTARD. Firstly i have to see men in spandex on my brisk walk and now i have to listen to your dirty dreams about men in lycra??

The Taker of Gist said...

The Gist of what you're saying is:

You hate tight pants. 'nough said.

jungle jane said...

Gist no its not. i like tight pants. i just want to get photos of bloggers in lycra.

Maja said...

Maybe I'll see if I can get a photo of Geezer in his rider boxers.. (they're tight enough to have the same effect as lycra cycle pants).

hehe

matty said...

I think I am developing a spandex fetish. It's not good. Lettuce was bad enough!

barman said...

There is something worse than men in spandex. Think most men (some may be OK but others) just are not) in speedos.

Sorry, no Spandex from me or anyone I know.

josh williams said...

For True?

wallycrawler said...

OK I love your site but meat and potatoes in a squashed elastic sack ? What hap'ned to tits and shit ? I need camel toe in squashed elastic sacks ! I know fair and equal time but I played sports all my life and I've seen enough cock & balls .

And let me say here and now , it's not true what they say about black men ! The black man is no larger than white man ! As long as the white man is da Wallycrawler !

jungle jane said...

Matty:
Come back from the dark side! oh gawd, i think i might have to get Ing to help me stage an exorcism...

Barman:
Arggggghhhhhhhhhhhh STOP STOP STOP...beer...i need beer...oh god i am damaged forever. that cannot be Sam in speedos...

Josh:
Oath. Would i lie to you? when you are so busy working to make me cocaine tablets? NEVER!

I can get you his autograph if you like??

Wally:
Please send photos so that me and all my lovely female blogging mates can be the judge of that. we beg you. and we won't chortle....honest...

Toby said...

My dreams are like Groundhog Day. I keep killing Tom Cruise over and over.

I'd send a pic of myself in lycra, but the local power company asked me not to wear lycra anymore. I guess my buldge casts such an immense shadow, it was keeping the street lights on all day.

jungle jane said...

Toby come to australia and hire your tremendous bulge out on the beaches to provide shade. australia needs more men like you. and you can wear the lycra as well as making your country proud.

josh williams said...

Full History on Ferret legging on my site. You realize after you post the previous posts become public domain. Thankee JW

Zen Wizard said...

If you are tagged, is "padding" or Enzyte® allowed??

I've also noticed that "fear" is "not the natural way to safe male enhancement."

jungle jane said...

Josh:
they are squirrels

Zen:
nor is cold water. which makes this lot even more remarkable

The Velvet Fog said...

Spandex RULES!

And,chicks dig the shaved legs...