18 February 2006

Sickies

Is faking a cheeky sick day off from work an art or a science? I’m fucked if I know! What I do know is that everyone needs some watertight excuses and strategies up their sleeve. So. Bearing in mind that Tuesday is fast approaching (NEVER take a sick day on Mondays or Fridays) and I am all out of relatives I can claim died let’s give teamwork a go: I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

SICKIE STRATEGIES
  1. Before you call in, practise your story (and your sick voice if appropriate) in front of the mirror. Make it quick - blabbering indicates nervousness.
  2. Do not overplay your symptoms when making the actual call – adopt the same tone you would when being hounded for a report that is overdue and which you haven’t completed by firstly being vague and secondly using long words. In this case a small groan is also a nice touch.
  3. Report in sick real early – best aim to get your boss’s voicemail. If this fails, you will have to actually speak to them. You should not call the office secretary or ask a colleague to pass the message. And you certainly should not call in sick via email or text message (an increasingly common mistake)
  4. Never let your colleagues know that you are taking the following day off - the Sickie must fool everyone to work properly. You need to callously use your buddies to validate your condition and therefore you need to lie to them too.
  5. Keep informed on what recent excuses have been used by others – you don’t want two Aunty Mildreds dying in the same office, do you? On the flip side, always take advantage of a virus doing the rounds - there is no point letting that nice Bird Flu go to waste, yeah?
  6. It is ALWAYS better to take 2 days than one. Always. And the good thing with the second day is that it is okay to break rule 2.
  7. If you fake a doctor’s note on your home computer/printer do try to remember to use a real proper doctor. And check first by ringing – don’t make the oooopsie I did a few years back and fake my sick note on a vet’s letterhead

SICKIE EXCUSES

Blood:
Don’t hesitate to use this excuse. Blood in your stool, your semen, your urine, unexpected spotting (females only), coughing blood - it’s all good.

Seizures:
Ideal excuses – I am very surprised more people don’t fall back on the Seizure. Seizures are always serious (indeed you can fake one in the workplace if a meeting drags on too long) and happily there is frequently no medical explanation for them.

Pets:
Stay away from this one – it makes you look weak and damages your chances for promotion. Don't call up saying your pet is sick, vomiting, dying/died etc. The exception to this saying you have actually killed the animal yourself and throw a small child is in the equation: for example driving over your 3 year old’s poodle. Of course that means you will genuinely have to get rid of the poodle at some stage to authenticate the lie, but I am sure we all agree there are too many poodles in the world anyhow

Death:
Yeah well use this at your discretion. Maybe it’s just me, but it gets a bit spooky when you have to “kill off” your own mother just to take a couple days off. The good thing with death though is that you get 2 days – one for the death and one for the funeral. Some companies even give you compassionate leave that doesn’t affect the rest of your holiday leave days or your sick days.

Shit:
Look shit does work – there is no doubt about it – but it is a bit lame. Diarrhoea, food poisoning, hangovers etc really doesn’t demonstrate much creativity. If you are female, you are mad to go for runny bum when Cystitis is available. If you are male, opt for Crohn’s disease.

Please send me your excuses to add to my database. I am also interested, for academic purposes, in what excuses totally don't work. This is all strictly for scientific research though and not to help me take more time off. Honest.

71 comments:

Hal said...

Hmmm...well, this all seems a bit too elaborate to me.

Whenever I was in need of a mental health day, or too hung over to go into work, and if I hadn't resorted to this ploy in the too recent past, I would simply call my boss's phone number at a time I knew to be before the time he got in, and leave a message on his voicemail. All I'd say is that I'm not feeling too good, I think I've got a bug or something, and it would probably be a good idea for me not to come in today.

I had never had to elaborate because I didn't use this ruse too often. There were a couple of times I used it twice in a row with smashing success, too.

Also, since I had an actor friendly employer (when I lived in Seattle), the "last minute audition in Portland (a three hour drive each way)" ruse was always a slam dunk.

I think too much information can arouse too many questions. Keep it simple, and you should be fine.

YellowSock said...

"Gastrointestinal distress" is my favorite. Then saying, "I won't gross you out with the details."

It's also very convenient to invent a food allergy for yourself. Mine is fish. As long as I remember to not bring tuna sandwiches for lunch, this works great. You can always blame your friends and love ones for forgetting about your allergy and putting some ingredient into your dinner without your knowledge.

I do believe it is an art. I wear my "habitual truant" lable with pride. I think you too are an artist in this medium Janie. You mention many of the subtle tricks that can not be taught, one is born with that kind of talent.

Ms. Robyn said...

my son gannon is diabetic, so whenever i need an excuse to get out of anything, i just say his blood sugar's been crazy - hi or low - either one, and i need to stay home and keep an eye on him. i highly recommend having a chronically ill child for this reason alone. the little bugger's gotten me out of work, in-law events, weddings....

Bloodgood said...

I get fucking screwed on this whole deal. You Lucky Bastards! When you own your own business who are you gonna call into? I do work as a graphic artist and production Manager in the mornings for another small biz but because its a part time thing I get no sick days. I just dont come in.
You lucky lucky Bastards!

jungle jane said...

Hal:
i have to be elaborate. i have used simple up entirely. i am even thinking it may be time to get a new job. i guess i could think about acting seeing as the excuses are so good....

Sausage:
oh i already have the allergy - cream - but i am afraid i have used it all up. i love how you noticed my natural talent though - as they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can only make him suck in if you kick him hard in the nuts.

we should collaborate and write a book you know...and get Josh to review it for us.

Ms Robyn:
i LOVE that - truly i do. i would need to invent a child of course, but i see that opens a whole world of possibility.

Perhaps i could rent a child? would you be open to that? just for things like Parents Day at the Office and for making excuses. you could so have him back at the end of the day??

Bloodgood:
hang on. you get laid and we get days off? dude! fair swap!

Denny Shane said...

I am so lucky as I spent 20 years in politics... we simply didn't use excuses... we always told the truth... like: "sorry Den, I went out and got shit-faced last night and I'm not coming in today."

or... "hey den, my wife is off visiting her dying aunt today in Jersey so I'm taking advantage of the day and meeting up with Kathryn from your office who should be calling off sick as soon as I hang up."

gav said...

You can always try the overly-personal, sex-related, shock and awe approach:

- I have a small rodent lodged in my anal tract
- We were playing with knives and my boyfriend accidentally cut off my clitoris
- fisting: getting in was ok, out seems to be an issue
- attached to back of door and cant undo his expertly applied binding
- etc

This tends to work better when you are not too 'close' with your boss. i.e. it is perfect for a boss, only weeks into the job.

Zen Wizard said...

How about pulling an obituary from the paper and claiming that person is an uncle/aunt??

Does that work?

I would assume that the recently deceased should be the same race as you, and you should memorize the deceased's name and funeral home, along with one or two heartwarming fake anecdotes.

I'm usually on the receiving end of these fake excuses, and I think there is a lot of merit to the early voice mail tactic.

Graphical, lurid descriptions of menstrual symptoms is another tactic that works really well on me--like especially vivid descriptions of the menstrual fluid.

Of course, this only works till menopause, and doesn't work when you are pregnant (but pregnancy offers up a veritable treasure trove of CIS excuses, so not to worry on that note...)

If I have already figured out you are a pre-op transexual, "menstrual problems" doesn't work either. In that case, tell me that you are running out of estrogen or hypodermic needles or something.

wallycrawler said...

I love ta call in well ! "I'm to Well ta work " !

1] Have your love one call in for you , then ya don't have to fake horse throat and cough .
2] Make sure your girlfriend's home [don't confuse this with your wife or ya might as well go to work]and her kids are at school .
3] Make sure your girlfriend's husband is away at work 2 & 3 work best together .
4] Pay off all credit cards and have a hundred singles for da strip club .
5] 60 oz. bottle of vodka bag of coke and cranberry juice mixes well together .
6]Heading for da beach ? Wear a 30 block or your busted !
7] Having a doctor in your back pocket doesn't hurt cause your more than likely gonna call in the next day too. You'll have to after a day off with me !

jungle jane said...

Denny:
i love excuse no. 2. i am going to add that to my database and the next time i want a day off i am going to let me boss know i am shagging my local Member of Parliment's secretary.


Gav:
Gold. pure gold. you are clearly a thinking man and i love that you went straight for the Gory Arsehole tactic.

i must ask though - do you actually take a day off when rodents get lodged in your anal tract? blimey i usually soldier on and simply hope to pass them in my morning ablutions.

Wizzy:
oh look i have gone and done menstrual so much that my colleagues are getting worried that i have whiskey in my veins and not blood. Menstrual blood is a winner - i have to say - and is filed under Blood in my database. it just doesn't work so well if your boss is eunich or female. grafic descriptions of lumpy tampons are part of her excuse network too. and you NEVER want to steal your female boss's Sickie excuses.

Wally:
that is pure genius. fuck Sick Days - they are so un-Australian. i am going to have I am Too Well to Work day.

i like that idea hugely. i might make mine a friday. i will use it exclusively to masturbate and smoke pot.

wow. everyone is so helpful!

PDD said...

When I was attending prepeupescent school, I hadn't finished a project on the date due and so I said my friends baby sister pissed all over it.

Also, when I was in grade 5, the principal wanted to know why I was always late for school. He had requested my mother answer in her handwriting and signature. It was early in the morning when she sat up in bed to write, "Psychic Dumb-Dumb walks too slow."

Also, one of my bimbo co-workers used the seizure excuse. It came complete with a broadway show. Right there in the office. He's an aspiring actor. He is not very talented. I call him Martha Stewart Stand-In for reasons I will not get into here as it requires too much detail. I have just posted about him and my other bozo co-worker while listening to the music that plays from the video in my prior post. I can't stop.

Victor said...

LOL i think i can fake the seizures.

trueborn said...

Car trouble is my favorite. Especially if you have an old beat up piece of shit that other people at work have seen you drive.

Works every time.

Another is a dental appointment, though this may take some forethought, a root canal can get you out of a couple of days. Hell so can getting your wisdom teeth out. Play it to the hilt.

jungle jane said...

PDD:
well that wasn't a terribly bright headmaster - how was he going to check that it really was her handwriting and signature. God what an amateur!

Now the Seizure - yes i like that a lot but i agree *some* acting skill is required. Its so terribly handy though because you can re-use them for several purposes - going home early, missing whole meetings, days off to see "specialists".

You see thats what i like - an excuse in which the sky is the limit....

Akuma:
maybe we should have a video blog contest? i know Denny is keen on a novel contest.

Here's what happens: we all record a video of us doing our best seizure (props like shaving cream are permissable) then we post them to Denny's blog and get all our bosses to go and vote?

Trueborn:
i use the equivalent - public transport - frequently. only it means calling up your whole office so that everyone is late too. get's hard, yanno.

Dental always works - root canal especially. its even better if you offter to open your mouth and point out the exact location. if you are going to do this, eat licquorish beforehand for extra zing...

Captain Carl said...

ARRRR....tell em ye got scurvy.....or the Capt slip somthin in yer drink and when ye weren't lookin ay sexually took advantage of yer flacid body.......

The Taker of Gist said...

Whatever you do, don't claim to be snowed in during the middle of summer.

Steph said...

What i do is the day BEFORE i want a sick day, i moan and groan around the office all day, saying how unwell i'm feeling. Everyone will tell you to go home, but no, you bravely soldier on. So they're half expecting you not to show up for work the next day anyway.

I love grossing my boss out with "womens troubles" type of illnesses. As soon as i start to describe clotting and excessive blood loss he's all, "sure, sure take as much time as you need" and hangs up! Muhahahahaha!

Spinning Girl said...

Why have I not discovered you sooner?!? Your blog is a TRIP!

gav said...

must ask though - do you actually take a day off when rodents get lodged in your anal tract?

When you sell your ass for a living JJ you have no choice but to clean house before work, or stay in if a clear hole cannot be offered.

matty said...

As a former supervisor of 120 people, I will tell you that it is safe to call in sick on Mondays and Fridays because people are so afraid of doing it that no one ever does. ...so when I would have someone call in sick on a Monday or a Friday I would automatically think, "Wow! He really MUST be sick cause no one has the balls to pretend to be sick on a Monday or a Friday"

...also, when you're really sick -- you don't over an excuse other than, "I'm really sick." ...simplicity fools the best!

However, my most memorable call in was from a woman who left me a voicemail in a fake raspy voice telling me that she was terribly sick and that her period was so bad she had soaked thru the bed and her husband was going out to buy a new matress. ...I saved that message for 3 months. I just loved it and never questioned her on why a bad period would cause her to lose her voice, why Donna Summer's LOVE TO LOVE YOU, BABY was blaring in the background or the fact that she called in on Tuesday evening at 7pm to be out on Wednesday. However, I did ask her if she was enjoying the new matress.

...she turned bright red and said that it was really nice but quite expensive.

Sometimes I loved my job.

Right now, I would love any job.

Jungle Jane, Can I work for you?

barman said...

I wish I could help but the one time I called in when I really was not sick I was over 600 miles away. I told them my car broke down in a town I needed to go through on the way home. They asked me which station I was at and for the phone number and this was the person I worked with, not the boss. I was SO BUSTED!

Luckily now my sick days and leave time are all rolled into one so I can just say things like I am not feeling well and that is enough almost always. Of course I co not make a habit of being off to much anyway.

Good luck on the excuses.

jungle jane said...

Cappy:
Actually that sounds really good fun. You bring the Xanax and i will swallow them...

Gist:
well damn - so you are not just a pretty orange face. i will update my database with that very valid warning

Steph:
yes that is a fantastic tactic - warming them up the day before. you can even leave fake vomit on your keyboard. i have done that frequently and the added bonus is that your colleagues think you are a trooper for hanging in the rest of the afternoon.

Spinning Girl:
why thank you...i think:-) I would like to think that this is the type of blog you could take home to mother....

Gav:
ahhhhh yes this is true - unless you apply the caveat "buyer beware"?? like a trick or treat type thing?

Matty:
as ever you a complete genius. i will amend my database - you are completely right. only someone truly ill would call in on a monday or friday.

do you think i would look suspicious if i took the friday and then the following monday? i guess if i am going for the "two days is better than one" theory then it should either be a monday/tuesday or a thursday friday??

i LOVE your period story. i am going to use it myself one day - who can argue with bleeding through and entire mattress?

you are so wise! of COURSE you can come and work for me. do you know how to write technical specifications?

barman:
d'oh! i betchya you stuttered, right? oh dear - okay that is a whole new blog post i think: "WHEN SICKIE EXCUSES TURN BAD". oh you poor poor thing - my toes curled for you on that one...

okay everyone point at barman and laugh!!!

PDD said...

I just want to say something so that you can respond. I love it when you respond janie.

PDD said...

Umm... do you speak any greek? I know there a herds of greeks living in Australia.

jungle jane said...

PDD:
lol no Greek. but tell you what, you pick a language i can speak and i will respond in that.

you can chose from Afrikaans, Dutch, Zulu, English or Spanish. I can probably also muster up some French but i cannot guarantee it will mean what i think it means.

oh and if you chose Afrikaans or Zulu i will probably say something rude knowing full well it is unlikely anyone else will understand it....

gav said...

like a trick or treat type thing?

Or a lucky-dip even.

PDD said...

GREAT! I request Italian!

jungle jane said...

d'oh!

PDD said...

Ugo il mio comanio... abita in questo quartiarto...

Improvisation is not ruled out.

Mongrel Porksword said...

Jane,

I don't know, but you seem a little too cocksure. I'd be very careful with a scheme like this.

Toby said...

My previuos boss didn't want excuses. If I was sick, I was sick. She especially... No, she requested that I do not explain my symptoms.

I work for a university and all the kids are sick all the time, so having a bug here and there is understandable whenever I call in. I do however, avoid Mondays and Fridays. I want to put out sub-par product as much as the next person and save my sick days for Tuesdays through Thursdays.

Toby said...

Kill whitey!

Fuckkit said...

Ah you think too much.
Use the age old Pooing And Spewing and dare them to come over and prove you wrong.

Erin O'Brien said...

How about, "I've been shot in the face by a hunting buddy and I have to go apologize to him." ?

Bloodgood said...

Erin, that is the best one Ive read!

Jail Bird said...

HIM

PDD said...

Erin, you are brilliant!

Zen Wizard said...

I have got to add in all serious that it is refreshing every once in a while when someone calls in and says,

"Look--I went out and got plastered last night. I am hungover as hell.

I am at some male/female's house, and I can't even remember their name..."

So I guess I agree with Denny.

And I am a real boss, but I am also an ex-hippie, so if you didn't burn down a draft board last night with a Molotov cocktail, in my case "honesty" is the best policy.

But do all bosses want the truth??

Sometimes; You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to...

(Anytime I can segue into that classic speech, I like to do it...)

jungle jane said...

PDD:
Ek kannie a woord verstaan nie. Oulijk!

Mongrel Porky:
oh to pull it off you have to be brimming with confidence - to falter is to fail!

Toby:
there is a possibility your tactic is flawed - see Matt's comment. From now on i am only going to take my sickies on mondays and fridays. Its 6:00am monday for me right now...i cannot tell you the willpower it is taking to not get back into bed...

Fuckit:
i do fear that pooing and spewing has overstayed its welcome. i think that creativity and a small dose of dramatisation is going to be required if i want sick days in the next 11 years....or change job of course...

Erin:
So can people other than politicians use that one? if so, can i not simply spray my boss in the face with pellets and claim an accident??

Gold. pure gold. best excuse ever...

Jailbird:
shouldn't your name be ex-jailbird now? would that be a great excuse? "sorry boss i have to go to jail today"??

Zen:
i think we all do try honesty once in a while, just not on days where we simply don't want to get out of bed and face our colleagues whining. or our boss's smelly armpits. those are times where honesty is not best, right? and in which case you have to lie anyhow.

i would like it if you were my boss, i would. just i wouldn't get any work done because i would be staring at your tie all day long and fantasising about knot tying...

DorianGray1854 said...

I would try "Entitilitus" "No one knows what "Entitilitus" is or what "Entitilitus" does, but "Entitilitus" kills!"

Zen Wizard said...

I have a twenty-foot wall full of ties at home, believe it or not.

I am the Emelda Marcos of ties.

I would give you all of the ties you want--but somehow I think the knots you want to tie are NOOSES AROUND MY NECK.

Homey don't play that!!!!!!!!!!

Toby said...

Marvin Gaye always says it better...

I've been really tryin, baby

Tryin to hold back these feelings for so long

And if you feel, like I feel baby

Come on, oh come on,



Let's get it on

Lets get it on

Let's get it on

Let's get it on



We're all sensitive people

With so much love to give, understand me sugar

Since we got to be

Lets say, I love you



There's nothin wrong with me Lovin you -

And givin yourself to me can never be wrong

If the love is true



Don't you know how sweet and wonderful, life can be

I'm askin you baby, to get it on with me

I aint gonna worry, I aint gonna push

So come on, come on, come on, come on baby

Stop beatin round the bush...



Let's get it on

Let's get it on

Let's get it on

Let's get it on





Matt lives in a dry county!

jungle jane said...

Dorian:
i am SURE i ordered Entitilitus with some nachos sauce and beer last night in the pub? if its a disease it sure as heck tastes great...

Zen:
nawww...i am totally joking about knots just to freak you out - they are best placed around your neck. i am not the dominant type.

Toby:
wohhhhoooo that makes a FANTASTIC change from being seranaded Tom Waits lyrics.

I wonder, in fact, what Tom Waits has to say about chucking a sickie?? Marvin certainly knows how to address the issue!

Polyman2 said...

I had an employee who alternated between "Black water diarrhea" &
"Projectile vomiting"
I always gave her a pass for originality.

Toby said...

Show me your black eyes and I'll believe you.

Captain Carl said...

Arrr....if T'be Marvin Gay ye be lookin for check out Satan's site......ay brought the xanax but do ya think ya could pass out already bent over.....I dont think with this little palstic body ay could turn ye around..........get ready.....here ay cum.........

tinyhands said...

Excuse: I took a Cialis and have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, so I have to go to the doctor.

(This may or may not work for you.)

josh williams said...

I had a sub-contractor not show up to a job twice in a 6 month period cause his mom died. His mom called looking for him after her second death. I think the non truths come back to haunt you.
Its best just to keep some petri dishes around with various maladys brewing and infect yourself whenever necessary.

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

I find that the simple, "family emergency" sounds serious enough and invites no further questions.

matty said...

Jungle Jane -- Yes, it is totally cool to take a friday then a Monday as sick days as long as you space that sort of thing by a month. Because, if one gets really sick it can take 2 to 3 days to get better and then a 4th day to recoup. It happens.

You know I was chatting on the phone with an old friend today and she reminded me of something I've long since forgotten.

The year is 1984. My donut shop job (which was really a drug front) was over so my father filled out an application for me (without my knowledge) at this grocery store to which he sometimes sold guns to the manager. I got the job. Before you can say "Clean up in Isle 9" I was bagging groceries in a sad little apron thing. Anyway, I hated that fucking job sooooo much.

It was my 3rd day on the job. Two friends came by while I was on my "break" -- I went out to their car (well, truck -- this was Texas and they were both football players) ...anyway, this was back in my stoner days. Got stoned. Strolled back into the store and was told to re-stock the Campbell's soup rows.

Jungle Jane, I just could not take it anymore. I panicked. My fragile 17 year old self had to get out of there --- and I needed to get out before my buzz was TOTALLY lost. So, I walked up to the manager who bought guns from my dad and told him I had to leave because I just found out that my father had cancer and I had to go home to be with him and that I was going to have to quit effective immediately because we didn't know how things were going to work out. I was taking off my name tag and appron as I rambled.

I remember the manager looking confused. He told me that my dad had just been in that morning and seemed fine. I told him that my dad had only just found out and that I had just been talking with my mother in the parking lot. He asked what kind of cancer he had.

I had to think on my stoned feet.

I said, "testicular and it looks like it's too late!" To add effect and avoid any further discussion I remember tossing my apron on his little podium thingy and saying I just couldn't talk anymore. I ran out, jumped in my car, laughed my head off and drove to this friend's house.

I got a job at a department store within a week --- which I started managing in 1985 to work my way thru college.

The funny thing is I didn't tell my parents about my quitting until I scored the job at the department store. A few weeks later I came home one night and my father was upset because he had gone to the grocery store and his friend ran up to him all concerned about his penal cancer.

...He never forgave me. LOL!

Oh, I can do technical spec writing for certain things. I know a lot about staplers and paper clip removers. Would this be cool?

I was just watching Jane TV and it totally rules! You're a knock-out by the way! If I had a cam I would wave to you!

I like that picture hanging on the wall behind/beside you.

jungle jane said...

Poly:
Black water diahorrea? jesus! your employee simply invented a disease and got the time off?? fark i am humbled!

Toby:
I have a black heart. Will that do?

Cappy:
I thought that was industrial strength plastic you were made of??!!

Tinyhands:
I love that! i do not have a penis but the reality is that NO-ONE can go to work with a whopping great mongrel! dude! that's brilliant!

Hussy:
i don't have a family and unfortunately everyone knows that!

ticharu said...

I never bullshit people. If I'm working, which I'm not, I just tell who ever does the scheduals that I won't be on a particular day cuz I'm busy with something else. Hey, I can't work 8 hours today, I can only give you 6. Like that.
If they aren't cool, I'm not gonna work for them. That 'you're fired' bullshit doesn't impress me much. So fucking what is my attitude.

Fuckkit said...

How about mental health problems? Can't come to work today on account of a sudden tedancy to skin and gut anyone sitting to you immediate right?

PDD said...

Janey:
I have posted my comment on my blog in response to your breeding comment. I think you may enjoy it.

waygon112 said...

Sorry Jane, don't need reasons to take off sick. I just call and say I'm sick. For privacy reason they can't ask what's wrong.

Dongley Shlongford said...

Jane,

Call in sick and drop by my bungalow. I lay down a map of Hawaii on you, and from the look of things, I'll be able to throw in New Zealand for good measure.

Zen Wizard said...

^ "dongley shlongford"= "funny"

"auto asphyxiation"= "NOT funny."

Officially Fabulous said...

The most IMPORTANT thing to remember when lying your ass off (in any situation) is SIMPLICITY is key! If you are telling the truth, you have no need to over-elaborate, get into the details or defend yourself. I mean, if you REALLY had blood in your stool- enough said- no more details needed!
~ Fab : )

ing said...

I have never called in sick; I'm one of those people who'll drag herself to work even when she's violently ill.

I remember my first day of teaching; I was to begin work on a Monday. The previous weekend, I'd flown to another state to buy a car, which I was going to drive back. I did get the car, and then 45 minutes later I totaled it, and five other cars. I took a series of cabs and busses and airplanes, planning my lesson while sitting in some tight little seat with stained upholstery, hurtling back towards Michigan, and I just barely made it back on time to teach.

I'm a HORRIBLE liar. When I'm lying, it's obvious. But I considered changing my ways about working sick when this customer kind of screamed at me for not sneezing properly.

jungle jane said...

Tich:
half the fun is the excuse though. in fact i am thinking i might go into management specifically in order to improve my excuses database.

then i remember that i actually work for myself so really this whole blog post is a bit of a waste of time....

Fuckkit:
i am reluctant to try "i am in a murderous mood" in case it threatens my chances for promotion further down the track...you know what i'm saying?

PDD:
oh god. i don't want them to breed. on my way over...

Waygon:
yes but we aren't talking about taking sick days for being sick. who on earth would waste sick days doing that? i always go to work dripping with flu so that i can use my sick days for things like tinkering with my bike

Dongley:
throw in the map of australia and i will be there in a second!

Zen:
Michael Hutchence agrees

Fab:
yes! i agree! Blubbering and being overly complex does no-one any good. especially when its something (like blood in the stool) that has such fantastic dramatic effect.

Ing:
you see, you are a teacher and therefore i salute you for not being careless like i am. i do admire that. anyone who works in essential services should be extra well paid to compensate for things like this.

sadly i doubt this is the case...

Zen Wizard said...

Michael Hutchence, sadly, NEVER GOT TO MEET dongley shlongford....

Sad--there could have been a SONG in that encounter...

jungle jane said...

I am SURE if it was Marvin Gaye there would have been a song. Right? Right?

Christi said...

Pregnancy works well. However, it's one of those that only certain people can get away with, namely pregos or people who are so evil they would fake being prego for time off, then fake losing the baby (perhaps for more time off?). I was legitimately sick about a fourth of the times I called in while I was pregnant with my second child. Who's going to argue with that, though? Of course, I did get fired from that job, so....

matty said...

I'm going to get a cam for my ibook as soon as I get a job and catch up with my rent. ...and pay a few friends back for more than a few meals.

...and I really need to get laid soon. So, that might cost a bit unless I get him to pay.

Note to self: Get the date to pay for the date. Or just skip date and cut straight to the chase.

...but, like Scarlet on that little mound of dirt, I vow to have a web cam soon!

Hal said...

Well lookey here.

It appears that MSN has caught wind of this conversation so that you lazy, moral reprobates can lie your way into an extra day off!

matty said...

I tried to catch some Jane TV last night but it was off the air. I like the off line picture, tho!

Ok -- am off to search job boards and my interview for this afternoon. I better get this job!!!

Zen Wizard said...

You mean Marvin Gaye meeting Michael Hutchence or Dongley Schlongford?

I'm hearing a song either way...

Lenren said...

I am not sure if you will read this, I don't know how old this post is. Anyway seizures are a great excuse! I suffer from them but more than a few xs I have used that excuse. Sometimes it was legit. Others...not so much. I even have a medical id bracelet( which I required to have) so my bosses could never not believe me!

jungle jane said...

Christi:
right that's it. i am going to become pregnant right now. that's the rest of the year i can slack off right?

i am not worried about looking after the baby. i have cats now and they are similar, right??

MAtt:
well as of today you have the job! i think we need to get Receptionist Cam going eh? so we can watch your moves at work...

Zen:
I was thinking more Marvin Gaye meets Chuck Norris yeah?

Lenren:
Fuck. A medical bracelet. I must have it. Can i buy it off you? i can offer like 10 bucks or something. damn i want that bracelet, i do...

Zen Wizard said...

Chuck Norris and Marvin Gaye HAD a lovechild in the Sixties.

(Through artificial insemination, since Chuck Norris is NOT GAY.)

The lovechild's name was Carl Douglas.

jungle jane said...

Rather than being born like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.