25 March 2006

Exercise

picture supplied by Die Murane

As you all know I am a top athlete. Well I appear to have been overdoing it somewhat recently – I’ve done so many sit-ups that my vagina has shifted upwards and is now nestled firmly between my tits. And before you all go “ooh aah - what a freak” let me assure you that my arsehole is now rested where my belly button used to be so I am still perfectly in proportion.

Yay! I don’t have to worry that men are staring at my breasts anymore – I am quite sure they are simply perving at my twat. Of course I now have to lean over the loo just to take a piss but at least my pubic grooming has become a heck of a lot easier.

I now cannot tell the difference between a menstrual cramp and heartache. As a further bonus, flicking my bean has become a whole bunch easier too – who would suspect that I am knocking the top off one when I simply appear to be scratching my chest? I don’t have to wear undies anymore either – I just pop on a padded bra and don’t give a second thought to incontinence.

Of course I have to be very careful not to perform a runny fart but at least I don’t have to worry about having a fat arse. I just suck in my belly and smile like a supermodel.

I have always been innovative. Feel free to worship me.

65 comments:

Denny Shane said...

I love the new look. It's kinda like a "one-stop shop".

Hal said...

That gives titty fucking a whole new meaning.

Pixie Sprinkle said...

Oh Jane! carry on doing those sit ups. in a month you will be able to swallow your tampons!

::giggle::

gav said...

If you ever breastfeed the kid is gonna have some view.

jungle jane said...

Denny:
yes, its a bit like multi-tasking. i think its good for the economy

Hal:
well you know i am all for fuel economy

Carla:
have you sorted out your herpes problem yet?

gav:
well you know i think there can never be too many screwed up kids in this world, right?

wallycrawler said...

You are the perfect woman I can titty fuck ya at the same time rub your clit at the same time get blown . "NICE" !

jungle jane said...

Wally:
well you know, i like to be modest. i would hate to make others feel inadequate...

Erin O'Brien said...

To me, this new arrangement will actually impede the act of copulation.

Where will the chap's legs go? Won't your mammeries be in the way? Get uncomfortably squashed?

You might want to consult a physician before making the next move.

The new arrangment, however, seems to be beautifully condusive to cunninlingus.

Good luck with all this, Jane darling.

ing said...

Is this the kind of cleavage you want to show off, or do you avoid the décolletage at those fancy-schmancy jungle parties? I hope you have a good sunblock!

Brookelina said...

Jane - don't go changing...to try and please me...I love you just the way you are...

Captain Carl said...

Arrrr....yer gonna probably want ta where an air freshner around yer neck.....bein an athlete ya probably get really sweaty.......

on the upside you could play roshambo and always win....

ICECOLDCOKE said...

clittit,vaginusbreastus,booby fanny,zip entry,the bank slot of milk,creampie,nibblenipple,so and so forth.byeeeeeeee.

Le Chitelier said...

Cappy:
I like roshambo! It's very easy for me to win now that my genitals have disintigrated.

YellowSock said...

I want to give you a big hug...

PDD said...

I take it you can't exactly wear a cross around your neck now, not that you ever did, but still, it's nice to have that option.

You are charming Jane.

(exorcist part III)

matty said...

LOL! OK -- here is the scene about 10 minutes ago.

me. sitting in a cyber cafe with my diet coke and my one cookie for the day. Eager to catch up on your blog - I go to your site as I am sipping some of the magic liquid which keeps me standing and the picture of your lovelies and sweet spot all in one pops up --

splash to the side of my ipod -- diet coke on my chin and the table. Chortle. Laugh.

...and, then, 4 guys behind me are suddenly up and looking at your blog with me and all four of us are laughing hysterically.

I need to start working out, too! I am imagining the things that could morph up --- so to speak.

Oh, Jungle Jane - you are my rock-n-roll hero!

And, I think you just secured some new blog readers!

big hug from gay town, USA.

kellywalters said...

that took a whole lot of fucking something..

jungle jane said...

Erin:
ahhh! ever practical Erin. well i will simply take care of cunninglingus myself - i have a long tongue and i think that i probably know best in these matters. i might only form relationships with very short men too so the legs don't become an issue. i think its a small price to pay

Ing:
oh i still intend going topless on the beach. i might have to craft myself a little vaginal sun hat - thank you for the warning. i hadn't thought of the dangers of clitoral sunburn

Brooke:
First i go on a diet for you then i re-arrange my entire anatomy. Tell me how to please you. No sacrifice is too great to win your affection

Cappy:
I was going to purchase a large box of vaginal douches...

Icecoldcoke:
I don't think i want too much of the nibblenibble but other than that you make a worthy and valid statement

Le Chit:
i suggest you sew them back on, but do so on your chest. You will thank me for that tip you will

Sausage:
I will take the hug but be careful you don't crush my labia

PDD:
who needs to wear necklaces when a clit ring will double up in this case?

Matty:
oh dear, we simply haven't learnt our lesson, have we?? i am certain that i have spoiled at least 3 cans of the precious nectar for you so far.

Were any of the boys cute? did they like my designer vagina? thank you for promoting my blog - the world needs more Jungle

jungle jane said...

Roxi:
yeah. sit ups man. hundreds of sit ups. if i keep it up it might end up on my chin.

The Lady Muck said...

I bet its handy when you have spare change too.

Faltenin said...

Followed you here from Candace's place... and you've got me laughing already!

Egan said...

Question is, what are you doing sit ups to? I do my crunches to Playboy and it requires a straight jacket to stop me.

Maja said...

Handy!

drunkbh said...

Ya know......This gives a whole new meaning to Pearl Necklace.

Polyman2 said...

Holy Shit!
Your up to your clit in tits!

Henri Banks said...

right sis now we can do a titty vag fuck thats a all in one combination ,go on with exersize who knows where your anus is going !!!

morbid misanthrope said...

Isn't leaning over the "loo" better than having to sit on it. I mean, I once read that sitting on a dirty toilet could get you knocked up. Man, that's the last thing I need. I can't even take care of myself, let alone some retarded toilet baby. It's just safer to piss in alleys behind liquor stores; no diseases there.

Zen Wizard said...

Your Photoshop license redefines the term, "mixed blessing."

Brookelina said...

Could you send me a ticket to Australia?

Jesus Toast said...

She has center-chest-stubble going on, someone needs a waxing.

josh williams said...

Looks fine now but come fatcunt Thursday your breastes's are going to smell of stale urine...Here I go wishing my life away.

jungle jane said...

Lady Muck:
um. are you saying you keep your spare change in the folds of your vagina? interesting concept...

Faltenin:
Welcome! yous all make me chuckle too:-)

Egan:
Ease up on the crunches dude. i don't think you would look any good with a vagina growing out your chest

Maja:
Yes, i am considering sending a letter to God pointing out that my design is far more interesting than his/hers

DB:
ahhh yes - another plus in my new design!

Poly:
a clit in the hand is worth two in the bush, no?

Henri:
the amount of shit i speak i wouldn't be surprised if my arse ends up where my mouth is now

Morbid:
yes exactly - this is far more hygenic and there are less toilet pregnancies all round.

Zen:
oh i think all my Christmas's came at once with this new streamined anatomy...

Brooke:
oh you don't want to come here. the place is riddled with scorpions

Toast:
well men have chest hairs. this is the girly equivalent

Josh:
Fuck. i knew their must be a flaw in my design. trust a learned scientist like you to spot that. you are wise

josh williams said...

I have a solution! However I am running low on funds so if you send some jing to my paypal account I can make all your wildest dreams come true! JW

jungle jane said...

hang on. last time i sent jing you ended up using it to save the stupid world. i specifically wanted you to invent a lethal drug cocktail to enhance my weekend but no...you went all martyr on me and did your silly world-rescue thing.

i want a written guarantee before i send yet another million...

PDD said...

Yes. Very true Janey.

Who needs to wear a cross around their neck period.

Vince said...

Maybe stay away from the bench press. I don't think they make size double D earmuffs...

ChickyBabe said...

I don't even know where to start! Er... I don't like the tits??

FnQueen said...

Oh you can now rub your nipples and diddle your twat all with one hand! Fabulous, simply fabulous!

Bloodgood said...

Damn Jane, if your vagina starts talking, then I know will know that you are a space alien. Promise if you decide to take over the earth you wont probe my ass. Promise.

ing said...

Out of which orifice will the promise issue? Which is least likely to lie?

Me said...

"feel free to worship me" Oh, and I do. I do. How could one not after that post?

jungle jane said...

PDD:
unless its studded with diamonds? i might consider it then?

Vince:
well i don't have much use for ears since i rarely listen to other people's good advice. perhaps i should replace my ears with two large vaginas?

ChickyBabe:
at least i won't get blokes asking me if i want them to perve at my tits:-)

fnqueen:
yes - and i can roll a joint with the other hand. perfect.

Bloodgood:
damn. i want to make the promise but you know i will only end up breaking it. and that would be bad.

Ing:
i think i talk lots of shit, so perhaps the arsehole is the liar?

Meredith:
oh thank you. i am filled with the warm glow of adoration. that's v. nice of you...

Jerry said...

eeeesh...I can't save more than one man in a boat at a time....or can I?

geezer squeezer! said...

hey twat tits! seriously,that would make everything so much easier if every woman had a 'tit-snatch-tit' rack. even better,we wouldnt have to kiss you whilst driving one home!
are you well jungle? are you livin life a bit?
sorry for the distance.but my new job totally compares to struttin down oxford street in a pair of ARSELESS jeans,with a sign pointin to my arse saying,'pop your cocks in this!'.
stay gorgeous and shit!

Henri Banks said...

is possible to clean your ass before i put my tong in it !!!?

Toby said...

Evolution at its finest! I'm in.

josh williams said...

You have my word Jane. Now send the money, I'm ready to start the project in earnest, I am just missing a few vital ingredients. The main one being jing. Thanks and on a side note, if I had not saved the world you would not be here to chastise me and to give me a second chance.

Le Chitelier said...

No can do Jane, like I said, everything has disintigrated. Perhaps when an organ donor dies I can have her twat sewn onto what is left of my chest. Somehow I don't think I would be very far down on the donor list.

Le Chitelier said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Lady Muck said...

JaneI would if it was more centrally placed like yours...

Fuckkit said...

Yeah right, sit ups can't do that.

Go on, admit it, you've had surgery haven't you!

Tickersoid said...

I've gotta have that kind of surgery. Nuts as earings perhaps.

jungle jane said...

Jerry:
oh superheroes can save many. you just have to try hard

Geezer:
Oh there you are! you've been missing since mardi gras time - i wondered if it was time to send the pink police out for you. can you re-wire a spaceship yet?

Good to see you - does this mean you may have actually written a new post??

Henri:
i can today, but i am not sure i can reach on Fat Cunt Thursday

Toby:
well it does appear that us girls are now more evolved as a species. eat your heart out. and then eat our...uh...

Le Chit:
right i have amended my will - when i die my twat is yours. you can have my tits too if you like??

Lady Muck:
sit ups, i tell you. the wonder exercise

Fuckkit:
nope. all totally natural. no pussy botox or collagen either. i swear. i am 100% without surgery...its just a healthy diet and good clean living...

jungle jane said...

Tickers:
or just replace your ears with nuts? i have a few ideas for what you can replace your nose with too?

Toby said...

Evolution isn't always perfect. I'm trying my best not to blow out women's backs.

Bloodgood said...

I actually went to Hooters today. I did my share of looking at womens breast just to make sure this problem isnt spreading. So far Jane, I think you are the only case. I will continue to inspect other women's breast just to make sure.

ChickyBabe said...

I woke up this morning with a itchy chest. I looked down quickly to make sure I wasn't a man.

barman said...

Are you sure this is from situps. It looks more like a whole body lift gone horribly wrong.

I think it has some very interesting possabilities but I also think that time of the month might be unpleasant.

Fuckkit said...

Fair enough. I guess if you were gonna have it surgically moved you'd have it put somewhere you could reach it with your tongue.

Or would that just be me?

matty said...

Some say that the world needs a hug, but we both need it just needs more of Jungle Jane!

...but, no, the guys were not cute. But, they all loved your blog! ...as well they should!

waygon112 said...

The hell with Satan........I worship Thee

tracy said...

I'm going to do a million crunches tonight and aim for the same look.

Mindless Dribbler said...

Well....that takes care of the "camel-toe" problem anyway huh?

Mahd said...

That picture is disturbing.

Sweet Lady Jane said...

Easy clean-up