08 March 2006

swimming

Top athletes like myself accept that serving our sport requires suffering and sacrifice. That’s what I remind myself when I apply my nose clamps, floral swimming cap and water wings each morning as I plunge into other people’s urine in my local public swimming pool.

I am happy to swallow a bit of urine – I am sure it’s good for my complexion. What I would like to avoid is the lane rage I suffer from when I am training. Lane rage occurs when swimmers (usually men) refuse to comply with the Public Swimming Pool Code of Ethics that requests that you swim in a lane matching your swimming ability. Lane rage is very similar to road rage except the vehicle is your body and it's rare that one carries a crowbar into the pool.

You will NEVER see a bloke in the slow lane! These are provided for those who gasp through their laps like wounded seals often employing a made-up swimming style of their own crossed with doggy paddle. They are usually either old people, ladies who keep their head out the water so they don’t get their hair wet, the injured remedial crowd and people who simply cannot swim well.

The medium lane is the catch-all and there are usually several lanes devoted to you Medium folk. The rules in this lane is simple: keep to the left and don’t overtake near the wall in case you bash the person on the return path. Easy.

The fast lane is made available for top athletes like myself who thunder up and down like jet-skis. It is impolite to use anything other than freestyle in these lanes and even more impolite to enter this lane if you are slower than me.

Lane rage could be prevented if swimming pools appointed a more military style lifeguard who could belittle people swimming in a lane outside of their abilities. They could also exert their authority on people entering the swimming pool with band-aids and plasters. The aerodynamics of these vile devices are simple: they don’t stay on in the water and your fellow swimmer is bound to swallow your scabs. I also believe that there is place for the militants to detain and punish those that snort snot into the pool – and once again I am sorry to say that its usually the brothers that do that.

Perhaps the solution is to have gender-specific pools? That way the girls can politely swim in the lane of their ability and men can fight each other in the fast lane of their pool while their band-aids float about spreading germs on boats made out of snot. Sorted.

91 comments:

wallycrawler said...

You guys over there don't just drive on the wrong side of the road , ya swim on it too !

blog Portland said...

I suggest adding some razors to your fins.

Zen Wizard said...

Is there some kind of waterproof pistol you could carry?

Denny Shane said...

I thought Austrailia was pretty open. Why are you even wearing a bathing suit in the first place.?

Mahd said...

I swim in the slow lane, when I swim in lanes...my people are not water people, I guess.

Jesus Toast said...

Swimming? Really? I am immediately going to go write a blog entry on power walking now.

ChickyBabe said...

Nothing could ever make me go in a swimming pool!

gav said...

you are thorpie aren't you?

Fuckin knew it.

Steph said...

Vag you are too funny!!!! Baaaahahaha!

My germ phobia will not allow me to swim in public cess pools anymore. I prefer the beach where the filth is mostly disguised as seaweed and sea slugs etc.

Toby said...

I was going to say something about the left and right thing, but wally beat me to it.

What I will add is your troubles with the lane proper are miniscule compared to the public pools here in the Milwaukee/Chicago area a few years ago. We had a heat wave, by your standards it would probably be a cool time, but people were literaly dying from the heat. A coworker of mine, his neighbor died and he realized it from the stench after a few days.

Oh yeah, back to the swimming pool. There were numerous shootings at pools in both Milwaukee and Chicago over more simpler things. Such as the pool can only fit 1000 people and another ONE wanted to join the bath of filth. As if he/she would ruin the whole damn thing!? Bam, shot to death and everyone had to go home.

The idea of public pools, on the surface, is a grand thing, and it used to be - even in my lifetime(I'm not that old), but in this day and age of disease and violence, that idea sours my thought.

Chlorine in my tap water still allows M&M to grow on my shower, no matter how powerful it is, it can't stop a bullet.

Jane, if you lived in the states, you'd swim on the right side, your own personal bath or shower.

jungle jane said...

Wally:
I am female. i drive all over the road.

Portland:
they might burst my inflatable water wings..

Zen:
um. well. thing is. there is such a device. its called a water pistol...

Denny:
i am an athlete. We wear cool Nike athlete stuff. to enhance our athleticism. yanno?

Mahd:
you are welcome in my pool anyday. most people in my pool aren't water people either - but they do love that fast lane

Toastie:
power walking? fuck, that's a lame sport. power walkers don't have groupies and such. us swimmers - fuck we have groupies falling out our swimming trunks.

ChickyBabe:
yes i am starting to feel that way too. at least my pool is free of fecal matter. i think.

vag:
fuck dude. be more fuckin discrete will you - i don't want people to find out. i just spent 2 days hamming it up for the cameras looking like i am about to die. i even blew into my hankie for added dramatic effect...i thought that was a nice touch...

Steph:
oh fuck. the sea? all those feces!

Toby:
oh lordy me we have also had a rash of people dying in Sydney and going undetected for months. How? its stinking hot here and full of flies.

but back to swimming pools. fuck dude i would hate your pools - by the sounds of it people don't even get into ordered lanes! jesus! that would drive me insane. it sounds like your pools are built for frollicking rather than serious athletic endeavour.

one can only imagine how much of your pools is urine. its almost worth making the trip out just to check it out.

please go to your pool next time there is a heat wave and take a picture for me??

gav said...

i even blew into my hankie for added dramatic effect...i thought that was a nice touch...

An interesting memorabilia item too.

This is the oldest joke in the world (a title previously held by Rose Hancock?) but I'm amazed at the amount of effluent pumped into our oceans and waterways and that people continue to swim undeterred.

PDD said...

All this swimming order needs a belly flop from a sumo wrestler. Sorted.

Janey, have you ever thought about writing a book?

Le Chitelier said...

Swimming in the sea - yup that's where everything in our sewer systems end up eventually.

Waterproof pistol - well I think Zen was thinking more along the lines of something that could pierce through flesh (but I'm sure you knew that already Jane). Now the blood of someone not currently suffering from some disease would actually be cleaner than spit or snot. Hell, an athlete even has such a good white blood cell count that that might improve the conditions of the pool.

Vince said...

My gym is cool, if there are lane crashers we can just complain to the big guy that works there and he'll take care of the problem. A new thing is for people to just walk across the pool to get a workout.

But it's 24 hours, so I usually go in the wee hours and get the whole pool to myself.

I smoke a couple of cigars after a swim to kill anything the chlorine misses.

Blue said...

What I hate is when I'm doing laps and the old people just drift into my lane like they own the pool, and have the nerve to yell at me when I bump them.

Bloodgood said...

Sounds intense! I didnt know that swimming was that aggresive.

I'm going to ask the question that is on everyones mind.
Do you shave your whole body including your "Mommie Parts" to go faster?

Do other people you swim with do this? Is it a ritual among swimmers? Is there other proper swimming etiquette that us non-fast laners should know.
One last question, is there really a chemical that will make your pee turn purple, or did they tell us that just to scare us from urinating.

jungle jane said...

Gav:
i am sure all that effluent is good for your heart. its the snot and scabs i think are bad for you. i am sure thorpie hates swallowing scabs. he does.

PDD:
that's a good idea. what shall my book be about? i'll give it a go if Josh Williams promises to review it?

le Chitelier:
okay you are right. so in addition to my new militant pool structure i think everyone MUST have a blood test before swimming.

Vince:
yeah call me old fashioned but i just never fancy a swim at 2:00am

Blue:
yes exactly. they look so damn offended. bastards.

Bloodgood:
swimming is the new martial arts. now all top athletes like myself shave from head to toe. we also use vaseline (now now dirty mind) for further streamlining and we wrap ourselves in plastic. we all do.

Ms. Robyn said...

do you have a crazy buffed out swimmer's body? i'll be jealous.

jungle jane said...

um well actually ms robyn saying that i am a 'top athlete' is probably stretching the truth just a wee bit. like a tiny tiny bit. for dramatic effect, yanno.

i have hail damage in all the right spots...

Mongrel Porksword said...

I usually go swimming in the wee hours myself.

Only it's then that I find myself a little chickie that I end up fucking silly in the deep end.

Mone said...

In the old days they used pee for medicine, so dont worry about it...

ing said...

Swimming is for the truly devout. In fact, Jesus was a swimmer. Or perhaps he was merely a floater in the Lord's tears?

ing said...

Why am I up at this hour, Jane? Why?

littleandy said...

As I happen to swim on the fast lane, too, I really understand you. A main problem in my local public swimming pool is, that they often don't use their chains to separate the lanes. So some of the (slower) people just think, they can cross the lanes as if there was nobody swimming. That's really stupid, because I don't brake for idiots.

Anonymous said...

Ahhh lane rage. It's the same the world over...

jemison said...

Nothin' worse than having to lap a manatee. I usually like to catch 'em on the flip turn, go underneath. Think out it as extra training.

Toby said...

I would like to take a pic for you, but I don't live anywhere near a public pool.

Substitute

AndyW said...

Evertime I get in a pool I get an ear infection or a skin rash.

It must be all the piss!

Polyman2 said...

Just watch out for the Babe Ruths floating on top.

Die Muräne said...

swimming sucks! the only cool thing is that it is so easy to hang around the pools and try to steal some handbags.

Henri Banks said...

Oh a post with out a pic :-(

kellywalters said...

I like to just pee on everyone

Fuckkit said...

I have the joy of using the pool at Berinsfield during the adult session, there's usually only me, our kid and one other lone swimmer which leave our kid to swim up and down at the speed of sound while I tread water in the deep end moaning "I've got a stitch and my knee hurts."

ing said...

More room to pee, less yellowy competition.

Le Chitelier said...

Toby:
Holy chite! Just imagine all of Japan outside of the pool being more crowded than that! I guess there's no such thing as lane swimming in Japan.

Ya'll just be glad that I never go swimming because Corpse+Water=Baaaad!

jungle jane said...

Mongrel:
you should find a girl who is silly before you fuck her. it reduces your workload by one chore...

Mone:
perhaps i can bottle my pool water and sell it as a tonic??

Ing:
you are up for the very noble reason of finding pictures of our lord the floater ducker. your work is noble, ing and i think the world needs way way more folk like you.

Littleandy:
Dude i ask you - is it REALLY that hard to swim in a straight line? its not like there are waves slapping them off course. I think you should write to your local pool and point them to my blog so that they can see that us athletes are displeased. and we vote.

Lady Muck:
I fear that fools the same the world over too. and they all swim in my pool. And LittleAndy's pool.

Jemison:
I am highly amused at the word manatee. oh i like that very much indeed and am going to find a manatee stuffed toy to place on the slow lane with a large sign saying "you won't get flipped if you swim in the flipping right lane"

Toby:
URRRRGGGHHH run awayyyyyy. oh my god - that is insane! surely they cannot all be top athletes? oh god maybe they are all synchronised swimmers? Vince knows a lot about them. Oh god. my eyes...my eyes...

Andy:
No no i am sure the piss is good for your skin. of course there is no medical basis in my claim but then really there is very little truth in anything i proclaim to be truth

Polyman:
got that covered. i walk around the pool before i get in checking for anything that floats. i do not yet have a strategy in place for large heavy turds that sink. i am not sure if turds do sink in a swimming pool and my lifeguard refuses to discuss the issue.

Die Murane:
its also fun to gawk at overly large pale people crammed into the same swimming costume they had when they were 12

Henri:
I am an athlete. we train in secret. pictures would only give the opposition the upper hand.

Roxi:
yeah i'm down with that. of course i only pee as i am getting out the pool - no sense in swimming in my own piss

Fuckkit
i hope you come to Sydney when you are in Australia. i will pay very good coin for a picture of you doing that. if i pay extra will you swallow some water too??

Ing:
well if the pool fills up we could all go pee in our dams - thereby solving australia's chronic drought problems? god, you are one clever clever girl you know

Le Chitelier:
i think if you remain in my pool for longer than a day without moving or making Fuckkit-type noises they come and fish you out and feed you to the dogs. so i hear...

Camy Leon said...

OMG! I soo love your hair. You should be a Suicide Girl, cuz you're so hot!

ing said...

, she said, gazing woefully up at me through her curls.

Bloodgood said...

wouldn't it be more fun to speed masturbate? Then you only have to worry about bumping into yourself.
Just think how strong your arm would get.

jungle jane said...

no puzzy:
thanks man! you're a total firecracker yourself - i love your blog!

Ing:
are you being coy?

bloodgood:
but then i would have one large arm and every time i walked i would end up going round in a circle!

Anonymous said...

I cannot fathom using a public pool. I scrub my own tub with chlorine before every use and instruct my guests to not pee or blow noses in my shower.

Plus I can't swim.

josh williams said...

Maybe chlorine mixed with stale urine has some sort of effect on people like PCP. Hence your problem, calculate how much urine is in the pool and put the exact chemical opposite (I have a few bottles left I can let go at a fair price) in the pool and then its not urine anymore...I go bed now, tired. JW

jungle jane said...

Sausage:
so. it's okay to take a shit on your shower yeah?

Josh:
you are a gentleman and a scholar! that's it my learned friend! everyone in my pool is high on piss. my lord. i would like to purchase your Piss Antidote. I have no money but i can swap you with one black and white cat?

have your people get back to my people, yeah?

PDD said...

TAG! You're it. For further info go to my site.

jungle jane said...

oh i have a much better idea than that PDD...[throaty, lusty chuckle]

ticharu said...

Everyone out of the pool!

Pixie Sprinkle said...

oopsie Jane I dropped a bucket of cyanide in your swimming pool this morning. silly me!

barman said...

I have never been a swimmer so I do not take up any of the lanes, just a portion of the pool reserved for water aerobics. I have seen floaties before when they have kids getting leasons. Two weeks in a row they had to close the pool down just before my class began because of that. Yuck.

So is this men in fast lane even if they do not belong there something simular to all condoms are always large for ego sake?

Mone said...

Maybe you could get rich with your pool water ;)
Just a matter of advertising...

Le Chitelier said...

Being fished out - yeah that happened last time I went swimming. Come to think of it, that was probably Carla's fault.

matty said...

my floaties and matching tube skirt prevent me from enjoying any of the lanes. I am forever stuck in the little pool. But, the toddlers think me way cool! Especially when I slip on my underwater mask! It's yellow and I've applied little daisy stickers on the sides.

matty said...

Wait. Power walking?

Is that what I've been doing all these years?

D'oh! I thought I was just turning tricks!

Silly me. Tricks are for rabbits.

I'm all about the power of my walk.

Fuckkit said...

You'd pay to see that? I wish I'd known that before I bothered getting a work permit.

Anonymous said...

Just a note: I find certain blokes will go in the slow lane, simply because they would rather overtake a crawler like me rather than swim in the medium lane where they would be shown up by ladies in the fast lane. I feel the only solution is to ban men from swimming. that would sort out the hairy back/speedos nightmare I keep having....

jungle jane said...

tich:
nice work. now i have the pool to myself!

Carla:
ooooopsie i held your head underwater for 7 minutes. silly me!

Barman:
i wonder if those same blokes buy extra large swimming caps? after they jumped in the cold water they definitely don't need extra large swimming trunks...

Mone:
if it doesn't sell i could try re-branding the bottle and selling it as perfume?

Le Chitelier:
it won't happen again - i drowned Carla in a pool of urine and cyanide

Matt:
Are you able to go underwater in a paddling pool? does your cap match your swimmers - i hope so. just because you are bathing among toddlers doesn't mean you should let you sense of style slip, eh?

Fuckkit:
its our version of comedy. heck i would not only pay, i would charge all my mates an entrance fee and make a fuckin killing

Lady Muck
they can't be real blokes! are you sure they are not just cross dressers? I agree about the speedo thing - but like a road accident i just can't stop myself from looking. i just can't.

Polyman2 said...

Speaking of water, has anyone seen the Captain?

Denny Shane said...

Jane... I just saw on your bio thing that you enjoy incest pron. What a co-inydink... me too as a matter of fact you could pass for my sister's twin. She would never go for it, but maybe we could pretend, huh sis? ;)

Jesus Toast said...

Poop.

Poop, poop, poop. Poopoo.

Pooooooooooooooooo.

Poopie, poopie.

Poop.

The Taker of Gist said...

When will humanity learn that swimming doesn't pay?

Myself, I enjoy being submerged under the brimey deep as long as I have the proper gear. But which I mean S.C.U.B.A. gear. Yes, despite what millions of people think, S.C.U.B.A. is an acronym. I won't tell you what it stands for, because as a swimmer you must already know. At least I assume you do. I don't know how it's done in the land downunda, but on the Atlantic seaboard, they make you get a license before you can swim. You need to be authorized by the swim commission and a notary public.

And by Darth Vader. But don't ask me how to get his permission. I'm not a Jedi knight.

PDD said...

Janey:
It could be a book about bowls of lasagna. I want to review it!

jungle jane said...

Poly:
Yup the captain has been around here and there. so has his bitch Carla - except i drowned her and did the world a huge favour

Denny:
Now i am not one to ruin someone else's perfectly bizarre fantasy however i fear i need to polish your glasses - that says INSECT porn...i like nothing better than to get off watching two grasshoppers go at it as if no-one is watching...

Toast:
my god. you poop in tunes...

Gisty:
South Cuba United Beerdrinkers Association, right?

In Australia it works the other way around. you cannot get a social security number until you can prove that you can swim. government official hold tests down at the local pool and if you fail - well then you just have to go on the dole until you get your water wings. The system works great for us...

PDD:
Okay - done. i can maybe include some pictures of freak bowls of lasagne? perpaps Denny can help here - he seems to have an interesting collection of porn...

Le Chitelier said...

Taker of Gist:
I give up, what does S.C.U.B.A. stand for? As for Darth Vader, I got that covered. He and I met during my breif visit to Hell. He was very fascinated by the fact that I continue to remain loyal to the Sith.

jungle jane said...

Le Chitelier:
I will tell you what SCUBA stands for if you tell us what colour underwear Darth Vadar wears?

Le Chitelier said...

Well they started out as tighty whiteys (he was always so tense!), but then when he got burned all over when his legs had been chopped off, his undies were looking pretty charred at that point. Ever since then he hasn't managed to be able to get out of his suit so I'm guessing that they're lookin' pretty brown by now.

Bloodgood said...

I have decided to bypass the whole swimming thing and just pee into a cup and drink it.

jungle jane said...

Le Chitelier:
well in that case he doesn't sound like he would be terribly good at swimming? the best swimmers ALWAYS have legs?

Bloodgood:
Oh fuck. Carla poured cyanide into that water. Quick! Someone call an ambulance!

Bloodgood said...

Fading Fast "Gasp" "Gasp"

oh wait it was my pee that I drank.

wheww for a minute there I thought I was gonna need someone to give me mouth to mouth, and I drank a whole cup of piss.

Budding Rose said...

I wear nose clips sometimes, just for fun.

Captain Carl said...

Arrr....Janey, everytime you smack Carla up ye be leavin marks on the Capt.....do ya think we could just stick ta insultin her.........I think she is tryin ta get the Capt knocked up......how sick is that....

Le Chitelier said...

Capt, I think I got somethin' that can make Carla sterile without taking away her ability to get pregnant. That way you don't have to worry about getting knocked up yourownself.

jungle jane said...

Bloodgood:
Fuck. that was pee? jesus. i thought it was a fine drop of Chardonnay...

Budding Rose:
I use my nose clips as nipple clamps and i wear my nipple clamps on my nose when i swim. it's a fashion statement - you should try it.

Cappy:
oh dear - i think you should visit Satan's blog. I'm afraid that not only has Carla knocked you up but 'she' is now attempting to get Satan to impregnate her, the slut...

Le Chitelier:
A bullet to the head? Am i right? Am i right??

Toby said...

Subterranean Curmudgeons Universal Buttfucking Arena

ing said...

The world would be a better place if everyone just peed chlorine for a change. (Hey, that would make an awesome hippie bumper sticker, would it not?)

See
Carla's
Undies?
Better
Asphyxiate.

Toby said...

what's a hippie?

josh williams said...

I have cat dander allergys, my symptons are as follows.
1: Gettin' up in the morning makes me tired.
2: I get a runny nose.
3: I throw scat at my keepers.
4: I just realized that I will not trade you two cats for my great invention! Not even three cats! How about some FY money? Thats my bottom dollar. My Best to you and yourn JW

PS: Tell ing her blog is done broke.

Le Chitelier said...

Yes, a bullet to A head, but not the one that stores the brain. Or at least where Carla's brain should be.

Egan said...

Holy shit, I did a post identical to this a couple days ago. I love hearing people swim pool tales. You do a great job stating what really happens. I like what I see.

Egan said...

And by the way, death to swimmers that think it's cool to swim breaststroke when sharing a lane. A plague on their houses.

jungle jane said...

Toby
Swimmers Carry Ugly Big Arses

Ing:
Good thinking...although i pity the undies

Le Chitelier:
Oh i don't think she has a brain. i think her head is full of fish

Egan:
FUCK! how weird is that! your post fucking ROCKS. Everybody who cares about my swimming experience please go read Egan's post NOW.

Man i though i was the only one that got pissed by this. and fuck - don't get me started on people who dive in. pools are meant to be clambered in gingerly.

and as for Splasher...fuck my face is getting all red now.

Dude you rock!

jungle jane said...

Oh and Egan? if you ever visit australia don't do the lane split. you will end up with a broken nose. Aussies aren't big on swimming in straight lines...

Egan said...

Swimming in straight lines isn't easy that's for sure. I'm a backstroker so I learn that I'm not going straight by smacking the back of my hand on the lane line.

Is it wrong to pee in the pool? When you swim in circles there, which direction do you swim? clockwise or counter clockwise? I want to name my first child Speedo.

jungle jane said...

I want to name my first child Chlamydia. so pretty.

urine is an acquired taste. i have got so used to it now that i even drink white wine to replicate the experience.

we swim the same way we drive

a) badly
b) cutting everyone else up
c) clockwise

and there are no rules about kickboards. i firmly believe that kickboarding is a slow-lane activity.

Egan said...

I love those three rules. Kickboards are only for beating the shit out of slow swimmers right? Sadly or not I can kick faster than most of the people can swim freestyle at my pool. This is troubling when it comes time to share.

Some people just can't gauge speed very well can they? If you can't do butterfly, don't get in my lane. Shit, I need to settle down.

jungle jane said...

yeah i think i might need to take an anxiety pill too. i feel my daily rage surfacing.

i think its an ego thing. well it is in australia anyhow. i think that blokes here think that the lane they have selected is a statement about their sexual efficiency.

and in this country no-one admits to being a lousy root...

Egan said...

Did you just get back from the pool? Does this explain the reason for the rage? I love your audio post and how well those curse words flow.

When you encounter another annoying bloke, just look at his package and say something like "I see it's true what they say about water and shrinkage". That ought to emasculate him for a couple hours.

jungle jane said...

my next post explains my jitters...i am traumatised!

i prefer to simply fix my gaze on mens' groins and then chortle as the package shrinks involuntarily...

Toby said...

"...as the package shrinks involuntarily..."


Opposed to voluntary package shrinkage?

Le Chitelier said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Le Chitelier said...

Toby:
Hip Ignorant Pussies Peeing In Ethanol

jungle jane said...

Toby surely there must be times when a man thinks "god i wish i had a smaller penis"? come on man - rack your brains - i know you can do this

He Is Probably Pissing In Everything