27 March 2006

Hobby killing

I realized yesterday as I was colour-coding my Serial Killer Hit List wall chart that the USA produces more of these suckers than any other country. Up to 85% of the world's serial killers live there and at any given time there are about 30 active serial killers engaging in their chosen sport.

Everyone should be on their guard unless you live in Africa - serial killers tend to be white, heterosexual males in their twenties and thirties who are frequently sexually dysfunctional and have low self-esteem. If any of you know anyone that fits this description I suggest you call Crime Stopper now, especially if you don’t actually know them personally - serial killers usually murder strangers. You should definitely be paranoid if they are the same race as you and you are female - serial killers tend to prey on women and children of their same race.

This is not just an aimless observation targeting young white men though - female serial killers tend to be like spiders, killing a succession of husbands, lovers, and other family members. They can also be nurses or other medical professionals who murder babies, the elderly or the terminally ill in a misguided effort to relieve their suffering. I am not sure if this means we should be wary of all married women or nurses but please report them too – it’s best to be on the safe side.

Most serial killers grew up in violent households and are sadistic in nature. As children many enjoyed torturing animals, setting fires and were chronic bed-wetters. As adults, many serial killers are highly intelligent charmers with a taste for alcohol and/or drugs. This worries me – usually these are precisely the qualities I look for in men I date.

Now before you think its all bad with serial killers let me tell you that jailed Bundies have groupies in their droves. Women write to these people, fall in love with them and even marry them. So if you are female and struggling to get laid, I urge you to cast your net a bit wider and post that letter.

Don’t get serial killers confused with mass murderers. Mass murderers do not have the cunning stealth and premeditated intent of today’s blog topic heroes. They are probably just pissed with bad postal service. I like to think that serial killing is more of a hobby – and let’s face it…everyone needs a hobby – whereas their chumpish mass murdering cousins are usually one hit wonders, saving the last bullet for themselves.

Now that you are educated in this matter - you're welcome! - I am thinking you all feel a whole bunch safer. Don’t leave it at that though – I urge you to take this quiz right now and let me know how you scored. I got 10 out of 10, which is a great relief when you consider my line of work…
posted by jungle jane @ 11:27 pm |

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