27 March 2006

Hobby killing

I realized yesterday as I was colour-coding my Serial Killer Hit List wall chart that the USA produces more of these suckers than any other country. Up to 85% of the world's serial killers live there and at any given time there are about 30 active serial killers engaging in their chosen sport.

Everyone should be on their guard unless you live in Africa - serial killers tend to be white, heterosexual males in their twenties and thirties who are frequently sexually dysfunctional and have low self-esteem. If any of you know anyone that fits this description I suggest you call Crime Stopper now, especially if you don’t actually know them personally - serial killers usually murder strangers. You should definitely be paranoid if they are the same race as you and you are female - serial killers tend to prey on women and children of their same race.

This is not just an aimless observation targeting young white men though - female serial killers tend to be like spiders, killing a succession of husbands, lovers, and other family members. They can also be nurses or other medical professionals who murder babies, the elderly or the terminally ill in a misguided effort to relieve their suffering. I am not sure if this means we should be wary of all married women or nurses but please report them too – it’s best to be on the safe side.

Most serial killers grew up in violent households and are sadistic in nature. As children many enjoyed torturing animals, setting fires and were chronic bed-wetters. As adults, many serial killers are highly intelligent charmers with a taste for alcohol and/or drugs. This worries me – usually these are precisely the qualities I look for in men I date.

Now before you think its all bad with serial killers let me tell you that jailed Bundies have groupies in their droves. Women write to these people, fall in love with them and even marry them. So if you are female and struggling to get laid, I urge you to cast your net a bit wider and post that letter.

Don’t get serial killers confused with mass murderers. Mass murderers do not have the cunning stealth and premeditated intent of today’s blog topic heroes. They are probably just pissed with bad postal service. I like to think that serial killing is more of a hobby – and let’s face it…everyone needs a hobby – whereas their chumpish mass murdering cousins are usually one hit wonders, saving the last bullet for themselves.

Now that you are educated in this matter - you're welcome! - I am thinking you all feel a whole bunch safer. Don’t leave it at that though – I urge you to take this quiz right now and let me know how you scored. I got 10 out of 10, which is a great relief when you consider my line of work…

95 comments:

tracy said...

I scored 8/10....I'm pretty safe eh???

jungle jane said...

tracy that's great - you will be just fine! you can feel safe to walk about unlit streets and dark alleys...

Denny Shane said...

well, I think there was something wrong with my test. The first time I took it I got 5 out of 10. I gave myself another chance and got a perfect 10 out of 10! Yippee!

Brookelina said...

I got 7 out of 10. I think I'm very much at risk. But then again, you knew that already.

jungle jane said...

Denny:
now you can confide in me - have you been a programmer in the past? every had crazy thoughts of becoming one? hmmmm??

Brooke:
i've got to say its not looking good for you. with a 7 out of 10 score you should really be careful - you seem greatly at risk of falling for a programmer...

The Taker of Gist said...

USA! USA!

The Taker of Gist said...

Go team!

The Taker of Gist said...

But sometimes I feel like we've lost even when the numbers are on our side.

The Gist must be consulted!

Egan said...

I think 1/4 live in Seattle, so there!

Anonymous said...

I scored 6/10. This would explain a lot about my life.

Gyrobo said...

Seatle is a coffee mafia stronghold. Oh, how I've battled the Starbucks paratroopers...

The horror. The caffinated horror.

ChickyBabe said...

I think you've killed that site; I can't get it to load! Bwahahah...

gav said...

I program robots to perform the killing for me.

They're more efficient and much easier to clean.

Vince said...

I got 10 out of 10. But if they were all dressed up like Clowns, then that I couldn't tell. That's why I fear Clowns most of all.

Sheri said...

I got 8/10.

So call me stupid (it wouldn't be the first time) but what is your line of work Jane?

PDD said...

I scored 9/10. The one fucker that I got wrong definitely looks like a serial killer, or at least highly insecure. At the very least he has killed one person in his lifetime. The authorities just haven't figured it out yet.

I swear!

barman said...

I scored a 7 out of 10 but I have been in IT for years. Perhaps a new carer is in order.

jungle jane said...

Gisty:
you are right to be proud you know. Patriotism seems to so unimportant these days - especially in countries that were built on the principals of mass slaughter. But don't even get me onto the subject of murderous dictators...just don't.

Egan:
i didn't realise there were so many programmers in Seattle!

Sausage:
the cup is half full - at least you scored??

Gyrobo:
What was your weapon of choice hmmmm? Tea?

ChickBabe:
i think it could be you that is the website serial killer - its working for me:-)

Gav:
My god a lethal combination. A programmer and a robot in cohoots. Run awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Vince:
oh i agree. clowns, programmers and serial killers - don't go near them. i am glad that you are on your guard though...i am...

Sheri:
i design technical interfaces. programmers use my specifications to build emerging technology applications. i am certain many of them would like to kill me several times over.

PDD:
maybe he was another type of killer? like a mass murderer or something? i am sure if he scared you he must be something weird

Barman:
Oh dear. and IT guy couldn't even spot the difference! now that is a worry!

lildirtyann said...

Oh, what a wonderful thing to learn =\

Henri Banks said...

okay and you still want to go in the states ?

Me said...

Safer!? It appears that this entire island is crawling with serial killers or up and coming serial killers. Pass me my gun and the survival kit, I gotta get outta here.

jungle jane said...

lildirtyann:
oh yes this blog is a haven of entirely factual essays. i am a teacher.

oh no hang on...Brooke is a teacher. I am a freak. i am confused.

Henri:
yes of course. i got 10 out of 10. there is NO CHANCE AT ALL i will bump into a programmer.

Meredith:
its a supply and demand thing you know. i am sure if you didn't hang your serial killers there would be fewer job vacancies for them. well that's what i think.

Fuckkit said...

Ok, dubious claim to fame time. I'm from Woodley, Stockport which is 10 minutes on the bus from where Harold Shipman worked. He was also the doctor of a girl my sister went to college with.

Also, Hindley And Brady hunted for victims at Ashton Market sometimes. I know it well, my Gran lives in Ashton and I was born there. Also, My dad's brother knew someone who knew John Kilbride, one of the victims.

Aaaand thats about as well aquainted with any of them I want to get.

matty said...

Hey! I scored 9/10! Color me a serial killer/computer programmng expert. ...well, almost. I mistook a cartoon programer for a guy I thought chopped up gay guys and burried them at the beach. ...but, then I remembered -- that guy was a clown! d'oh! If I hadn't made that error I would have socred a perfect 10/10!

My heart is still a virgin and I never cry. ...but, sometimes, I do bleed. ...from my left ear.

ing said...

Ugh, I scored 4/10. Which I guess isn't too surprising. I had to guess on every single one except David Berkowitz, who I recognized.

But yo, my mom went to The University of Washington. She was in a sorority. And I guess Ted Bundy attended one of these parties.

I am sooooooo dead!

ChickyBabe said...

After murdering my hard drive, it must be me then. Can't get it to work in either FF or IE. Argh...

jungle jane said...

Matty:
fuck you would have thought someone would have noticed a clown burying bodies on a beach. my god - now it's not even safe to be gay?

Ing:
nononononon please don't be paranoid. it just means you have to be a LOT more careful when you meet programmers.

So just remember: if you meet someone who is an IT guy - run awayyyyyyy

ChickyBabe:
i am concerned. if one in every 45 people is a pyschopath i am afraid you are exibiting alarming tendancies towards being a serial computer killer.

jesus. who would have thunk? you seem so nice. well don't give it a second thought - i will still be your number one fan.

Steph said...

I defy any serial killer to take me on. I'm a SuperTard remember? I have a posse, or possee, or summin like that.

barman said...

Not to worry Jane, I program using Visual Basic so everyone says I am not a real programmer. Maybe they are right. That might explain not being able to tell the difference.

Toby said...

6/10 - My destiny is set. I've read through most of these for tips and tricks.

Egan says 1/4 come from the Seattle area. Most of the other 3/4 come from So. California. Avoid the west coast and your odds of becoming a victim will be greatly reduced.

slicknfun said...

8/10 for me. guess there is a little bit of a serial killer left in me :)

Captain Carl said...

Arrr.....ay only scored 5 out O 10 ay suck......these kinda games just arent meant fer plastic sea Captains with tiny plastic brains.......

Die Muräne said...

you got 10 points? Perfect, I have heeps of work for you, Janey!

ing said...

If 1/4 are from Seattle and 3/4 are from SoCal, I guess it's safe to move to Oregon -- that way, I can stay on the West Coast and I'll never be killed, ever. I will live forever! Does anyone want to get ancient with me on the West Coast? C'mon, it'll be fun! There's bound to be loads of senior housing and stuff.

Egan said...

Ing - your mom went to the University of Washington also? That's so cool. Yes, Ted Bundy did a number on the campus. I think the fear time I felt fear at night was on that campus. There are some very dark and heavily wooded areas on campus. Don't blame me, I just have a forestry degree.

ing said...

I never felt afraid on that campus, which, maybe that was why I got in to the U.W. . . maybe there was a killer on the selection committee, looking for hapless young ladies! Oh my god, I came this close -> <- to getting offed! Good thing I didn't choose to hang around at Seatac in lieu of my schoolin'.

babyjewels said...

4/10 and now I'm scared to leave the house.

Candace said...

I only got 4/10. I hope you're not planning to practice your hobby here in the States. ;o)

PDD said...

Janey, I was thinking for my next job I could be a motivational speaker and hopefully book a spot for the Oprah Winfrey show. My thesis: Why having low self esteem is a sin.

Zen Wizard said...

If you love a white 25-45 year-old female; set her free.

If she doesn't come back; track her down and kill her.

(God, I love the Second Amendment!)

FnQueen said...

Woo hoo 10/10! I think I did so well because my heathens (kids) are cereal killers! Yep they can massacre a box of Cap'n Crunch in one day! I'd recognise those lil' shits anywhere! Oh shit, I'm sorry you said SERIAL KILLERS. My mistake!

josh williams said...

8/10 for ole JW

ing said...

Maybe the recognition factor will carry over. fnqueen, I think candace and I need an escort -- you free?

josh williams said...

Ole JW dares to voice his opinion that serail killers are a mean spirited lot and not the kind of people to "watch your back". I could be wrong. JW

jungle jane said...

Fuckkit:
Shipman! My god! The holy grail of serial killers in the UK. You get lots of points for that. and of course Hindley gets you the nod for the gruesome factor. my advice to you: NEVER leave your house again. not even to catch the plane to australia.

Steph:
I think might want to look at your footwear. its going to be VERY hard for you to run away from a programmer in such high heels. have you considered maybe just sticking to trainers?

Barman:
Maybe you are just part-programmer then. Do you have any serial killer in you to balance things up a bit??

Toby:
Oh great. I will be in LA next week as it goes. for 5 days. Perhaps i should just stay in the airport toilets to be safe??

slicknfun:
now thats not a bad score. if you just execute a couple of gruesome murders we could have that score go through the roof, you know

Cappy:
i think you are okay - other than little girls who put their Barbies in the microwave i am not sure that there is a huge problem with serial killing in the plastic doll world. especially not such a handsome plastic doll like yourself

Die Murane:
oh goody. who should we start killling then? how about the French?

Ing:
that sounds like a really sensible idea. you have clearly had a VERY close brush with death. in fact i think you should be outraged - a good looking lady like you and nobody even tried to murder you? shees. I like the idea of an escort. shall we advertise for a male escort and see what happens??

Babyjewels:
4/10? my lord one can only assume that the 4 you did get were luck. Start internet shopping. do not mow the lawn and definitely don't even talk to your neighbours anymore. oh dear - i have to go play some scary music now...

Candace:
See above. all i can say is that you should never get your computer fixed

PDD:
you know, i think you could be the next Oprah. and Pinky could be Dr Phil. The sky is your limit beautiful lady - don't book a spot on Oprah - you deserve your own whole show

Zen:
well you are a man of the law and if that's what the second amendment says than go for it. it does seem sexist though - surely we can kill men too? Please let me know urgently as i need to know who i can kill next week or not

fnqueen:
you see, motherhood has sharpened your wits and given you the skills to make that you can protect your children from computer programmers. yes, that's it.

Josh:
oh well i think thats a sweeping statement. they could be perfectly nice people. i think that maybe you should write to a few and let us know whether they are decent folk or not. you are a man of letter Josh. you can do this. Who knows - a lifelong friendship may spring up.

Pixie Sprinkle said...

i got 0/10. its just as well - i love IT guys and i think serial killers are so dangerously sexy. Jungle Jane you rule - this has opened up a whole new door of possibilities for me.

Toby said...

LA? What could you possibly want to go to that smog pit for?

If you've never traveled to the U.S. before, remember we use different power than the rest of the world (we're different) and you'll need a voltage converter to run/charge your laptop.

jungle jane said...

Carla:
i think you should do the world a favour and find a nice serial killer to become involved with.

Toby:
dude i didn't realise that - i am bringing my laptop and will get a USA plug...but does this mean the black 240 volt thingy is different too? i am gonna email you...ta for the tip

Toby said...

As I said in my email, I'm no expert, but I'm sure you have a source you can call there, or some of these non-serial murderer IT guys/gals should be able to help.

jungle jane said...

Toby:
oh god. my life is at stake. i have to talk to an IT person. oh hang on - wait a sec - i am an IT person. i should just kill myself and get it over and done with!

Logophile said...

The page for that test isn't working, I shall have to try again later.
A carnie is someone who works at a carnival or circus.
The line is actually from Austin Powers though.
Silliness, all sheer silliness.

Melliferous Pants said...

I got 8/10...I hope scoring 80% will keep me safe....or not!

Brookelina said...

As soon as I park my Hyundai I'm going to find myself a nice serial killer to settle down with. You just wait!

No wait, I meant cereal killer. C-E-R-E-A-L. I expect a hot breakfast in bed every morning.

Toby said...

My bad, I'm alerting LAX to probe you, you just might be a serial murderer import... where serial murderers start.

Yes, you need not only a plug adapter which will allow your plug to mate with ours (shiver... a tad sad you're not visiting Chicago way), you'll also need a transformer, a power up, 120 to 240 (shiver, same). You will be better of buying it at your local walmart because LA only has walmarts in the neighboring counties where it will cost you an arm and a leg. Not to mention it will cost you a good portion of your travel expenses.

josh williams said...

I have enough hobby's. Besides I have so many outlets to dispose of those pesky bodies I don't want to be used for my resources. I want real friends not users and Jane as much as you push me I really feel that sociopaths are not going to appreciate me as a friend but just a means to an end. Kindest Regards JW

jungle jane said...

Logophile:
i too hate carnies. well really what i hate is clowns. but i think everyone is terrified of clowns. i am surprise that being a clown is even a viable job these days, unless its the Ronald McDonald clown who seems to do great business

Melliferous Pants:
i think it means that you will be fine 80% of the time. you only need to be paranoid for 20% of your life. that's pretty awesome really - it means you only have to spend 5 hours a day in panic.

Toby:
yeah i looked all that up and you are right. i think i might just leave my laptop at home and check email occassionally from internet cafes. of course that means no blogging for 2 weeks...which really can only be a good thing.

Josh:
have you considered opening a pie shop? no-one will ever have to know that the filling is your victims. none of us will say anything - oath. and then you will have plenty to talk about with your new serial killer friends.

but i agree - keep away from sociopaths. you can't really take them home to mother. oh other than me of course - you should still be friends with me.

Sweet Lady Jane said...

Please don't pick on nurses, we are only glorified servants. Married women being killers? Ya, when I was married it crossed my mind a few times.

Sweet Lady Jane said...

By the way, got 9/10 the first try, wish my other instincts rated the same.

Anonymous said...

"Froot Loops," a killer cereal.

Maybe the concierge can get you a plug Jane? And make him drive to WalMart. Trust me, it's not something you want to be exposed to on your first visit here...

Anonymous said...

It's where programers and murderers shop...

ChickyBabe said...

I think I killed my PC's power supply last night. And I still can't get into that website! I think I score 10/10 for effort!

BadGod said...

"serial killers tend to be white, heterosexual males in their twenties and thirties who are frequently sexually dysfunctional and have low self-esteem."

uh.....oops.

BTW-thanks for only gettin' 1 fuckin' question right on my quiz.

BadGod said...

Oh and if you care...8/10!

ing said...

One-stop shoppin'. Now how 'bout the employees? Are they fairly safe? I hate to spend a dime at a chain store, but I'm desperate for a safe male escort, and since I did so poorly on the test, killers and IT people are off the list. As are caucasian men, come to think of it. Hmmmm.

ing said...

By which, I mean Wal-Mart.

jungle jane said...

Sweet Lady Jane:
I think after Fuckkit pointed out Harold Shipman i might have to widen the net and include doctors! at least you will be okay with such a high score!

Sausage:
Will i be safe with the conciege? do you think the programmers and serial killers will go after him rather than me? great - i will hire one for my whole trip!

ChickyBabe:
if you get approached by a serial killer just tell him that you cannot assist him with his crime spree because you lost your power. that's your very best defence!

Badgod:
oh look its not that bad - its not as if you are a programmer or anything.

and next time you do a quiz make sure you throw a few questions in about vaginas so that i can bring my score up a bit. at least i got one right though

Ing:
i advertised for a male escort for you and i have a long queue of male stripper waiting for you to audition them. They are all terribly good looking but i am not sure if they will be very good at looking after you - they might break a nail...

Mone said...

Where do you put all the bodies after you kill em?
Just leaving them were they are at that moment isnt worth the effort.

Anonymous said...

8/10, reasonable enough, but I'm staying away from the IT lab after dark.

Tickersoid said...

4/10 bugger.

It's not safe for me to leave the house

Jesus Toast said...

That entire entry hit too close to home for me. I am turning myself in, just in case.

matty said...

I wonder. Is it true that Serial Killers are close to their moms? I always find it a little creepy when guys are really close and sensitive about their mothers. I want to think it is nice, but then I usually decide it is just too creepy.

josh williams said...

Pies Pies Pies great name for a pie shop. Company policy,
NO RETURNS NO MATTER HOW VILE TASTING

YOU COMPLAINTS WILL DISAPPEAR WITH YOU

PIES WITH A REAL HUMAN TOUCH

etc...I sent you a quis I scored 12 JW

josh williams said...

Pies Pies Pies great name for a pie shop. Company policy,
NO RETURNS NO MATTER HOW VILE TASTING

YOU COMPLAINTS WILL DISAPPEAR WITH YOU

PIES WITH A REAL HUMAN TOUCH

etc...I sent you a quiz I scored 12 JW

josh williams said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Zen Wizard said...

For some reason I couldn't get the test to come up yesterday but today I got 9/10.

Is that "good," though?

I mean, I am not a language inventor, and "it takes one to know one."

Oh, well...

PDD said...

Janey:
I've ordered up the red head lights. Tungstens are far too expensive. I don't want the usual music for our doctor/patient scenes. What would you suggest for music?

I can't wait for my close-up.

Toby said...

Two weeks?

jungle jane said...

Mone:
Easy. Josh williams is opening a pie shop. that way, crime does pay

Lady Muck:
yes good thinking. its far far better to be killed during the day

Tickers:
well that shouldn't be hard - your Reliant Robin doesn't sound like you are going anywhere anyhow

Toastie:
Hadn't you better turn your wife in too? best cover all bases yeah?

Matty:
Well i guess someone has to bring them milk and cookies when they are behind bars don't you think?

Josh:
you see the idea definately has legs - Mone is going to get in touch to leave you a whole bunch of bodies. You now have the meat, all you need is a bit of pastry...got your quiz - about to do it now!

Zen:
Did you notice that there is a cafe in LA named after you? i will be sure to visit it and take a picture. with a score of 9/10 you will possibly still be alive when i get home

PDD:
AC/DC. It has to be. An entire nation of australians have become successful with the strains of their melody in the background. it means you have to wear shorts and a tie but its a small sacrifice

Toby:
FANTASTIC. i will only go to the one called Zen in honour of Zen Wizard. If you can find me an internet cafe called Toby in Boston i will visit that one exclusively for the first bit of my trip!

PDD said...

Not even a sacrifice, I already wear shorts and a tie, but only in the summer of course. That reminds me, I really need to get another tie. My fathers striped one is a little outdated.

Jesus Toast said...

My wife isn't a serial killer, she is a, "I got angry and it all went red, I don't remember a thing" kind of a killer, and I don't think that's against the law in the USA, is it?

Zen Wizard said...

If it's this one; the restaurant is supposed to be really cool and has been featured on the reality show, "Blind Date."

My favorite restaurant in Los Angeles is Musso & Frank's Grill, which was featured in Ed Wood when Ed walked off the set in drag and into the restaurant and saw Orson Wells.

Musso & Franks Grill has been there for about 70 years, which in LA makes it a landmark.

I was going to say go to the Coconut Teaser, because when I lived in LA I took some Australian chicks there and they liked it, but it is CLOSED.

Club 7969 used to be called, "Peanuts" and we used to go there way back in the Eighties, because beer was $1, there was no cover, and these really hot chicks took off their clothes and the lesbians tipped them.

Plus, you could pick up a girl really easy if you just made sure she was really a girl.

You will fit right in...

josh williams said...

Mone? Wheres the bodies, I've got orders to fill. I hear Jane is leaving town, maybe her abscence would make a nice and tasty pie if you know what I mean. Went of vacation and did not return? Wink Wink.

Toby said...

Slim pickins in Boston. Go to Chips. It just like Toby less the T-o-b-y and add C-h-i-p-s.

Gyrobo said...

To fight the seatle mafia, I needed ten metric grams of pure caffine. It overloaded their bioneural output feedometers.

Egan said...

Gyrobo, Seattle loves you. Smile.

jungle jane said...

PDD:
Just ask Zen Wizard. he's got lots of ties. I am sure he can send you his old ones?

Toastie:
if its a mercy killing then its perfectly legal. i think.

Zen:
fantastic. i am all set up. that's all i need to know. i was in a panic for a second because i simply didn't know where i could go to pull a nice stripper. who cares if they are shemales?

Josh:
can't you just slice bits off me? that way i get to live AND lose weight..

Toby:
okay. Toby and Chips it is. but i still won't be blogging because i am not sure if they have the internet in the USA

Gyrobo:
Step back from the coffee. put down your gun. and no-one will get hurt

Egan:
dude i have it under control. i'll flash my tit at him and you grab the coffee yeah?

matty said...

I work with someone who named her tiny/cute little faggy dog, "Precious" ...I hope she doesn't have a pit in her basement as well.

Toby said...

We have something better than the internet here in the U.S.

We have... THE INTERNETS!

wallycrawler said...

I love true crime novels . The one book that I'll always remember is "Son's Of Satan" . It tied David Berkowitz , "The Son Of Sam" and a Satanist cult out've San Fransisco . It also tied the Manson family , Roman Polanski and the house Sharon Tate was murdered in . That book made my skin crawl !

Ing ever here of the "Zodiac Killer" ? That guy or guys pop up in the San Fran area every few years . "Weird" !

josh williams said...

Hell maybe I'll just specialize in Lipo-Pies, thats it! Baby you have given me a fortune of an idea, now I gotta run with the money!
Oh! Great travel tip for the states, when you are walking and and someone is heading directly towards you, say in your outside voice, "out of my way tard" and then speed up your pace. Its the same custom if someone holds the door for you. Your leaving so soon and I have thousands of tips.Time for just one more.When dining, you reach over and grab whatever your dining partners are drinking and you cough up one in their drink, and say "what is mine is yours, I only wish I was worthy of yours". It means you are willing to share but are not so presumptious to take, eh?

Toby said...

Pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way.

Egan said...

The plural form of the internet is so much more advanced than its singular counterpart.

jungle jane said...

Matty:
tiny dogs are rarely cute. are you sure it wasn't a gerbil??

Toby:
are you sure? i thought the internets was an australian thing??

Wally:
your name must have been Skincrawler while you were reading that!

Josh:
my word, thank you for this. should i call everyone a tard, or just people i am walking towards? can i spit in strangers drinks too? will i make friends that way and even maybe get laid?

Egan:
yes and there is so much more bandwith with many internets

josh williams said...

Yes everyone you call tard, and hell why didnt I think of that by all means spit in strangers drinks.

Toby said...

Jane! We'll see you soon on a Jay Walk About. Bring tea from Boston, in LA they don't know what Tea is.