14 March 2006

For Egan

Monkeys are cute little creatures native to jungles and Seattle. Fed up with being mistaken for chimps, these adorable critters even have their own awareness society – the Committee Uniting Needy Tree Simians. 

When they are not spontaneously masturbating at the dinner table, monkeys make fantastic pets! Their love of smearing shit on walls has saved many a discerning family from having to purchase artwork - for the price of a bunch of bananas and a pack of cigarettes who wouldn’t invest in one of these good natured and easy-to-tame primates? They are also extensively used in laboratory experiments and thank goodness for that – I am sure none of us want to die from using toxic lipstick.

Here are some facts that may surprise you about monkeys:

  • most monkeys prefer to use a Mac. Which is why they are monkeys I guess.
  • many monkeys have part-time jobs as George Bush impersonators
  • man did not evolve from monkeys – if this were true we wouldn’t still have monkeys
  • eagles may soar but monkeys don’t get sucked into jet engines
  • a Monkey Bath is a bath so hot that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

All this teaching has left me drained yo. Lets wrap this sucker up with a nice bit of simian humour:

Question: What's got one leg, fur and bleeds?
Answer: Half a monkey

UPDATE: Monkeys LOVE swimming. They just don't like swimming ools because there is no P in them....

posted by jungle jane @ 7:14 pm |


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