14 March 2006

For Egan

Monkeys are cute little creatures native to jungles and Seattle. Fed up with being mistaken for chimps, these adorable critters even have their own awareness society – the Committee Uniting Needy Tree Simians. 


When they are not spontaneously masturbating at the dinner table, monkeys make fantastic pets! Their love of smearing shit on walls has saved many a discerning family from having to purchase artwork - for the price of a bunch of bananas and a pack of cigarettes who wouldn’t invest in one of these good natured and easy-to-tame primates? They are also extensively used in laboratory experiments and thank goodness for that – I am sure none of us want to die from using toxic lipstick.

Here are some facts that may surprise you about monkeys:

  • most monkeys prefer to use a Mac. Which is why they are monkeys I guess.
  • many monkeys have part-time jobs as George Bush impersonators
  • man did not evolve from monkeys – if this were true we wouldn’t still have monkeys
  • eagles may soar but monkeys don’t get sucked into jet engines
  • a Monkey Bath is a bath so hot that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

All this teaching has left me drained yo. Lets wrap this sucker up with a nice bit of simian humour:

Question: What's got one leg, fur and bleeds?
Answer: Half a monkey

UPDATE: Monkeys LOVE swimming. They just don't like swimming ools because there is no P in them....

106 comments:

Erin O'Brien said...

I pray at the alter of Jungle Jane.

Jane you are a goddess, an ethereal floating sprite.

You with your myriad vaginas and gunts. It is not possible to touch you.

I am yours.

These comments are prelubricated for your safety and convenience and are offered despite the fact that they were typed on a Mac keyboard.

jungle jane said...

Erin if you knew how long it took me to draw a monkey in Photoshop you would know that i am mortal.

my word, monkeys are hard to draw...

Anyhow. It was all in the name of some good clean fun that Egan could enjoy at work...

Egan said...

Wowsers! I am rendered speechless. I will admit I am honored, but I have to say that monkey in the cartoon looks nothing like me. He keeps stealing my work too! That damn monkey.

I love the acronym, C.U.N.T.S., as it's a very nice touch. You failed to mention how I can control my bladder. Did you know monkeys are good swimmers? They also have good swimmers.

jungle jane said...

Yes i am clearly crap at monkey art. Lets just say that the monkey in the picture is an abstract impression of you??

i didn't know monkeys were good swimmers - do they always stick to the left in the pool lane?

Egan said...

Well some monkeys do. Some will do butterfly in attempts not to share lanes. Some may even roll over and do backstroke while making dolphin noises. No one wants to share a swim lane with a boisterous monkey.

So am I performing something on you in this picture? And where did the Barbie doll go?

jungle jane said...

Well I am not one to overlook a fact. I have amended my post to include their love of swimming. I was unable to find the barbie doll and can only assume its at the bottom of the ool.

Egan said...

Nice one on the "ool" part. I need to find a sign that says something like "welcome to our ppool. Notice we really like pee."

Jesus Toast said...

Wow, not even a vagina disguised as a monkey has any hair on it! You would think that out of every kind of pussy out there, one that doubles as a monkey head would at least be a bit furry. Damn this brazilian wax fad is out oif control.

PDD said...

Monkey see monkey do.

Get that monkey off my back and onto my face.

Pet my monkey.

Janey, you sure know how to pick well. The last two posts have turned me on even though the previous labia minora was a bit out of control.

I have always said a good looking pussy is a beautiful thing.

Egan said...

I'm such a smart monkey I just realized our lips are shared.

Alex the Seal.

jungle jane said...

Egan:
careful you don't add to many Ps...they might simply think you stutter

Toastie:
it had to be bald - i don't think monkeys have hairy chins

PDD:
spank the monkey?

Egan (2)
neat huh? loving the little monkey tongue...

PDD said...

Janey, I was thinking "spank the monkey", but chose "pet my monkey" instead as mine needs to be handled gently with care. It's a daisy.

Egan said...

They already know I stutter. Look at those lips of mine and tell me they aren't kissable. I dare you.

Our Lips are Sealed.

gav said...

This is my kind of monkey.

Hal said...

Spanky spanky!

Cocaine Jesus said...

i'm still in a state of shock over lucky old barbies fate.
fuck the monkey, i'll take the pussy.

Egan said...

Gav - my day has been ruined. That brings a whole new meaning to spanking the monkey.

PDD said...

God I'm horny!

Zen Wizard said...

Ironically, you seem to be in concurrence with alleged monkey-resembler George Bush regarding the theory of evolution.

jungle jane said...

PDD:
don't feel ashamed of feeling horny - i am sure legions of women (and some men) all over the world feel that way about Egan

Egan:
in the picture they appear slightly parted - a technicality i know.

oh and next time i tell you that i am TOTALLY not going to post something rude? um..yeah..best not believe me, eh?

Gav:
oh lordy lordy me. oh dear. i am quite speechless. he looks terribly pleased with himself, doesn't he?

Hal:
I am not sure poor Egan wishes to be spanked?

Zen:
well then i can only conclude that George Bush is a scientist just like me....

Egan said...

Jungle Jane, you are ruining my good name. I'm not out of the closet yet.

Vince said...

Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed. One jumped up and bumped his head. Mommy called Doctor and Doctor said, "no more monkeys jumping on the bed."

...My childish view of monkeys has forever changed...

Cezi said...

JJ you're the best teacher ever!!!Just got a brazilian wax myself--damn that hurt!!
I think your monkey is pretty good:)

Denny Shane said...

PDD? Why are you telling God that you are horny? I think he already knows.

wallycrawler said...

Hey that cunt looks like Homer Simpson !

Tickersoid said...

Gav- I could use that monkey to help me with my my impressions

Toby said...

When I was a kid, my friend, Cameron (who now resides in Seattle) and I spent a lot of time at the zoo. It's not a great zoo, but it's very nice and free. It's actually one of only a few in the entire U.S. that still is free.

I've seen lots of weird behavior commited by encapsulated animals of all types. Chimps smoking, lions jacking off and even a squirrel monkey take a healthy chunk from the tip of Cameron's finger when feeding it monkey chow. One night we even set the racoons free. Hah, that reminds me, Cameron's Guinee Pig, Nicky, was stolen from the zoo in retalition.

Nicky turned out to be a gold mine for us two 12 y/o. One day while walking Nicky at the park, a dog killed him and the dog's owner paid Cameron $50 to keep his mouth shut because dogs wern't allowed. We promptly hit up the gas station and gorged on candy and soda.

But, the best thing I ever witnessed at the zoo was the Blue Butt Monkeys pee on two cops and a zoo keeper. For some reason all three were talking next to the rail just outside the cage when both monkeys went ape shit. They were bouncing around their cage like a ricocheting bullet when one, presumably a male, locked all fours on the bars and let his wiz fly.

It was a cloudy morning and none of the three immediatly reacted, but about two seconds into the presumed rain shower they realized what was happening and ran for cover, or just out of wiz shot.

We laughed, really we just laughed.

FnQueen said...

Dammit wallycrawler you took my comment! I thought it looked a lot like Homer Simpson myself.

jungle jane said...

Egan:
oh fuck. was that the closet key i accidentally threw away?

Vince:
actually i think the doctor said "take two aspirin that will be $40,000 please"

Denny:
She's telling him here again in case he missed it first time round. God reads my blog all the time you know.

Wally/FNQueen
It was Homer Simpson, however with my awesome photoshop skills and a whole ton of imagination i managed to convert him into something that very very nearly resembles a monkey. clever, huh?

Tickersoid:
1. get a webcam
2. get your cam up on your blog
3. practise your genital origami.

i will stand by (in the name of art) with helpful instructions on how better you can great amusing shapes with your tackle. the hotdog? pfffffft - lets aim to create a whole buffet

Toby:
Cameron lives in Seattle too? my god, is he a monkey?

i love your monkey pissing on policemen. sadly where i grew up monkeys were a plague and venom and creatures that everyone hated. we had monkey bars on our windows and the little buggers used to come in the house all the time stealing food.

locals kids used to go around shooting them and feeding them to their dogs - they were always full of rabies, fleas and infections.

poor little monkeys - their natural habitats were destroyed by man and then man really put the boot in by walking about shooting them.

Egan said...

Yes, now let me out before I huff and I puff and I blow your house down. I need to meet this other Seattle guy. He looks like quite the character. There's something in the water here.

jungle jane said...

okay then.

STAND BACK EVERYONE...EGAN IS ABOUT TO COME OUT THE CLOSET...

*rolls about on the floor laffing*

ChickyBabe said...

Oh gawd... I need a moment here. I saw the photo and immediately thought of Egan BEFORE I read the title!

Egan, you should be proud!

Jungle Jane, I bow to your creative talents!

Toby said...

Yes, Egan, look him up. Ask him about E.J..

When I'm out there in August maybe we'll all go to the zoo.

The Taker of Gist said...

Lies! All lies!

No self-respecting monkey would need to impersonate George Bush.

They've been millionaires since ape feces was discovered to contain a cure for all human ailments. I know because I worked on the project that discovered that. It's all in the history books now.

jungle jane said...

ChickyBabe:
i think he's very delighted to be the first person i ever dedicated an entire vagina to. and i am sure he learned some monkey facts today that he didn't previously know.

Toby:
Make sure you don't take Egan past the monkey enclosure - the keepers might try to lock him up even though he doesn't look like a monkey at all. but he claims to be one. a very cute one that wears tank tops.

Gisty:
oh they don't do it for the money. they do it to make George Bush feel comfortable about the shit he flings about the world...it's true - i read it on the internet. i did.

Toby said...

My friends in full glory is nothing I want to suppress.

Unless it invloves touching me.

Erin O'Brien said...

I believe the barbie is still there, but has been completely sucked in, which is what yesterday's pix surely suggested.

You know Jane, you have transformed the pudendum to a new level. It is no longer erotic or even pornographic.

It is now a medium!

A platform from which so many new and creative and fascinating ideas may be launched.

Thank you Goddess Jane. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Steph said...

*sigh* I had so many "spank the monkey" lines. But it's been done. Pass me a banana please, i have some shit to smear.

Mahd said...

This blog is more fun than a barrel of...well, you know.

Too much monkey business going on in here, though. I hate to ape on the point, though.

Ok, that's enough...

unique_stephen said...

I'll go to bed tonight thinking of Barbie eating monkies.
Looks a bit like Homer, no?

josh williams said...

I have a friend , (beers truth) who's business is wildlife education. He and his wife visit schools and what not with lions tiger bears monkeys etc.
He is friend with Jim Fowler the Wild Kingdom guy who was on Johnny Carson all the time.
Mr. Fowler does not have any wild animals to speak of so my buddy would provide the animals for Jim to show to the American viewer. He had a little baboon that had a perpetual boner so whenever he would show it to the public (the baboon) he would put a pair of trousers on the little beast.
Johnny has Jim on and they have a Baboon to show, my buddy tells the lady in charge of the show to let him know when she needed the monkey so he could put a pair of pants on the cute little simian.
She said "pants, these are supposed to be wild animals" so Larry thought to himself OK. The Baboon was brought onto the small stage and set on Mr Carsons desk full boner. Mr Carson looked at the baboon and said, this is a male isn’t it? The next 2 to 3 minutes they talked about it being a male.
The moral of the story, monkeys have boners galore.

jungle jane said...

Toby:
are you friends the humans or the monkeys and which of them do you not want to touch you??

Erin:
I am hoping to turn the pudendum into an ornament. that is all my own is currently used for and its a fine ornament. more celibate people should consider the decorative value of their groin.

when i am much older my ornamental vagina will be an item on Antiques Roadshow no doubt. Worth a fortune.

Steph:
ohhhh. choc coated bananas take on a whole new dimension. i will never eat another one in my life again

Mahd:
gees you got me. a barrell full of...um...err...um is it cats? a barrell full of cats? am i right? am i at least warm? yes. it must be cats.

Unique Stephen
see earlier comment - it was in fact Homer until i got my grubby hands all over it.

Josh:
okay i had a word with your brother AND roscoe AND the pope and everyone has confirmed that this was not a monkey - it was you Josh.

here you are pretending to be too busy busy busy to save the world and make me drugs but actually the dirty truth is that you have been appearing on television expressely for the purposes of showing your boner.

Josh that's really no way for a lady to behave you know

Henri Banks said...

Damn im late again wallycrawler said it already i see more homer simpson than a monkey,can the monkey eat barbies to?

Egan said...

Toby, who the hell is E.J.? Friend of yours?
Chicky, glad to know you think of me often. I'm honored.

Mongrel Porksword said...

PDD, I'm horny too, and I got what you need, baby!

Mone said...

Do you allways cut your monkeys in half?

Motor City Monk said...

Let's see you do that with a Sea-Monkey!

geezer squeezer! said...

i bloody love monkeys.especially when they put their fingers up their bums (or even mine!).
yay jane!

Polyman2 said...

Oh Jane- Your as much fun as a barrel full of half monkey clit eating barbies!

Toby said...

I don't like other men touching me at the zoo while near the monkeys.


Egan, E.J. is the third stooge.

Captain Carl said...

Arrr....that monkey tried tta bite me....then threw poop at me.....

....has anyone bother to pick its fleas off and eat them......thats why it might be so upset.......

jungle jane said...

Henri:
DAMN you lot are a tough crowd! Maybe its just that Homer looks like my monkey!

Egan:
Women throughout the world think of you constanstly you know. in fact, we even have a road in Sydney called Egan Street. You are a global phenomenun

Mongrel:
now now. no soliciting your services on my blog please:-)

Mone:
Oh yes. Its a great way of doubling the monkey population you know. i tried doing it with my money too but it didn't seem to work.

MCM:
Sea Monkeys don't count because they are not native to Seattle.

Geezer:
and who can blame them? its almost as satisfying as picking ones nose. just chunkier.

Poly:
Your mathematics is a bit dodgy Poly. surely a half monkey would only eat half a clit??

Toby:
sigh. rules rules rules. now we need to put up a sign that says "don't feed the monkeys or touch Toby"?

Cappy:
do little plastic dolls eat fleas? i guess fleas must be like pet dogs to someone who is only 10" tall??

Erin O'Brien said...

Jane, I'm certain your pudendum is very ornamental. In fact, if you ever do a sandcast of it, do send me one. I shall hang it on my Christmas tree.

Love,

Erin

Egan said...

Jungle Jane - that street in Sydney is not named after me. I guarantee it. So I am a monkey and I am a native to Seattle, does this automatically make me a sea monkey? Just add water!

Hey, stop trying to flatter me. It will get you nowhere Jane, nowhere.

ing said...

Nothing could be flatter than those lips of yours, Egan. (I mean, judging from Jane's pic.)

Egan said...

Ing, I do shave regularly. I've been told I have a really small mouth too. Not sure how that relates to this post, but you can fill in the blanks as you see fit.

ing said...

Wait -- isn't that supposed to be your pic on the original post? Or is this simply a case of mistaken identity/my own careless reading?

As for filling in the blanks, a thong would probably do. . .

Egan said...

Ummm... sure. Yes, that picture looks just like me. I have one of those detachable penises that are all the rage these days.

I don't have a thong, but do you like g-strings?

ing said...

Only thongs that are Tab-can pink, I'm afraid. There's something refreshing and effervescent about the color. But um, won't you detachable p. kind of fall out of a g-string?

Egan said...

Nope, I have super strong Velcro™ so it won't budge when in certain situation.

Jane - I love using your blog as a message board. Just thought you should know this.

Toby said...

Monkey Torture

ing said...

If the velcro works, Egman, then you do not shave (as you earlier professed).

Rocco Manley said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Egan said...

Toby, that's an awesome clip. I'm scared for myself now.

Ing, this is so damn confusing. To Velcro or not. Perhaps I will just crop next time.

ing said...

A little glue might do. . .

ing said...

Toby -- why can't I see your clip? (I sincerely hope no monkeys were tortured, though!)

Egan said...

Ing - no monkeys were injured. Stuffed monkeys don't count right?

Egan said...

My g-banger isn't pink dammit. It's black with red and green peppers.

State? There are states in Australia? Who knew? Next you're going to tell me Hobart isn't just a company that makes some kick ass industrial strength mixers.

jungle jane said...

ahahaa i jump on a plane and fly to the next state and when i land i find that Ing is gluing velcro beards onto Egan who is watching stuffed monkey torture on toby's clip.

Don't mind me - everybody carry on! what time does Egan come out modelling the pink g??

ing FANTASTIC to see your blog back mate! and to see you again - i was worried that Blogger had eaten your blog for a late night snack...

jungle jane said...

I am in Canberra, which is where our government headquarters is located. Dignitaries (like myself)gather here to nod wisely and pass legislation.

I was felt up by the security guard on my way through the airport. i think that he felt my hair colour indicated that i was a terrorist.

i got my own back on him by farting on his finger.

Egan said...

Canberra is the capital of Australia? Man I thought it was Sydney. Just kidding. I'm a bright guy and shit.

jungle jane said...

fuck. i am not really sure what the capital is. really i tend to think that the whole world revolves around me and frankly i fail to see why australia should be any different.

so. Let's just say the capital of Australia is Jane. m'okay?

Candace said...

Egan, we'll never believe your G-string isn't pink until you prove it.

Jane, how much you wanna bet the Photoshop folks NEVER imagined you would be doing that with their product? Well, OK, they're engineers, so maybe they've already done the same thing (I'm married to an engineer.) Nice job!

I was attacked by monkeys once. No, really!

Egan said...

Noted Jane. I often will substitute the word God with my name. Is that wrong?

Egan said...

The folks at Adobe, located here in Seattle, are pleased let me tell you. The lips are a little different size though.

jungle jane said...

Candace:
I doubt that the makers of Barbie thought that i would illustrate their product in such a fashion either.

Egan:
i am ashamed in that case because i call out your nickname when i flick my bean. from now onward i will substitute the word GOD with...um....Buddha.

jungle jane said...

hey isn't it nice that i am getting paid to blog from Canberra instead of having to do it from my home office in Sydney?!

Egan said...

Amen in Jungle. I'm sitting here viewing some monkey and blogging with you. It's a wonderful life. I guess I am a professional blogger.

Candace said...

My friend's sister is a honcho at Adobe (CA office.) I'll have to ask her what she thinks. ;o)

Egan said...

Adobe in CA? Dammit all to hell. My world is shattered I tell you.

Egan said...

Jesus, you and Candace need IM. Wait, this drives up your comment numbers. Smart thinking.

Candace said...

Mine are at an all time high of 16, LOL!

Pixie Sprinkle said...

oh no! a comment orgy - and i missed it!

Egan said...

Did you sputter out?

wallycrawler said...

My ex yousta say "Wally Girls will think ya love them if you keep eat'n monkey the way ya do" . "They get the wrong idea" . Double J do you think that's true ?

Toby said...

ing, it's a harmless parody. Try this

YellowSock said...

The man operating the roach-coach yesterday resembled Gav's monkey man so much I was not able to eat.

Bloodgood said...

Monkey Torture sounds like fun, so does bean flicking, and blogging in Canberra, I feel Im missing out on life. Do you think it is possible to do all these things at one time?

Tumbleweed said...

You're so funny. Love the pic, those have to be some tig ole bittys!

ing said...

toby:

Was that Steve Buscemi on the phone?

Heya, Jane! Man, I wish the bookstore would fly me somewhere. I sometimes get sent up the street to the bagel store. But it's just not the same as a trip. . .

Egan said...

I can see you are really torturing me with this post. It will still be up here weeks from now.

blog Portland said...

Todays lesson: Never open The Jungle at work!

Egan said...

Blog Portland, it can be done if you move quickly. I advise using the mouse scrollwheel.

Isn't that monkey hungry for a banana? Feeding time! Ha!

ChickyBabe said...

Hey, I live on Egan Street!! They wear their g-strings on top of their track suits and go running along the beach.

collector of ideas said...

hey, where did you disappear to, I really liked your writings!

collector of ideas said...

hey, where did you disappear to, I really liked your writings!

ing said...

I want to move to Egan Street! On my street, people wear flip-flops and black hooded sweatshirts and sunglasses and pagers. And they carry wine in paper bags.

Maybe things will change when the new spring lines come out. . .

Egan said...

I must have proof of this so-called Egan Street in Sydney. Who the hell is it truly named after?

Egan said...

I love the internet.

Egan Street in O'Connell Ward was part of the 1845 subdivision of Governor William Bligh's 210-acre Camperdown Estate grant of 1806. The street was extended in 1881-83. A Mitchell Library subdivision map (No. N6/40) shows a Mr L. Egan as landowner here. Daniel Egan MLA (1803-1870) was a Catholic, a wine and spirit merchant and Mayor of Sydney in 1853, whose second wife perished on the Dunbar. The Church of England retained this area up until the 1880s.

jungle jane said...

Candace:
Adobe are welcome to use my picture in some of their marketing material?

Egan:
I hope you appreciate that i left a meeting early in order to quickly scribble a new post to save you the torture of being up here for a week. the australian government is quite happy to pay for this.

my god look at the time - time for beer and lunch....

Carla:
trust you to find out about the orgy. you are welcome to my sloppy seconds...

Jay:
oh but i specially didi this work safe blog post. who on earth can take offense at a monkey-wonkey??

ChickyBabe
I have re-named my house Eganvilla. i am making a sign and all.

Collector of ideas:
i am right here - forgive me for disappearing for 12 hours and not blogging. i am out of town this week.

Ing:
In Egan street the residents wear pink thongs (in a non-gay way) and tank tops. manly tank tops.

Egan:
http://whereis.com.au/whereis/confirmedMap.do?ref=homeMap

There you go - there's one in Canberra. Of which Jane is the capital.

Rocco Manley said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Egan said...

Hey, the mappy no worky.

Toby said...

Don't fret, it's just behind the grade school.

jungle jane said...

fuck. it looks like Canberra expired. jesus. will i never escape this place??

Le Chitelier said...

Man I wanna see that shot without the monkey!

jungle jane said...

Le Chit
oh without the monkey i'm afraid its just one large mouth...