I was mugged today. I am still shaking so please excuse any rude language that I might use in this post.
What happened was that I went down to Bondi Beach earlier in the day as I normally do on a Saturday. Not to frolic in the sea or anything gay like that – just to score some weed from my dealer.
Anyhoooo after I had pulled a few cheeky cones behind the police station I got myself some fish and chips and went and hung out on the sand mentally taking notes of which chicks had fatter arses than I do. The score was about 70-30 (not in my favour) when I suddenly got a chilling feeling that I was being watched.
Now lethally trained martial artists like myself know that your best defence is to look about, assess the danger and then flee. Unfortunately today my number came up and I did not have the flight option – I was wholly cornered by a threatening, menacing, nasty pack of butt-ugly seagulls with one stealth mission in mind – my lunch.
The dirty fuckers had it all figured out. One created the diversion by landing on my head and while my arms were flailing about like a drowning tourist the bad boys moved in and stole my battered cod, my slice of lemon and my whole pack of chips one by one.
The chaos of arms and wings! The screeches of seagulls sounding like i just raped one of their babies! The feather flurry!
I pay tax. I demand answers:
- Since when do seagulls eat potato?
- Did they squeeze the lemon on the fish when they got back to headquarters?
- Was it really necessary to rub it in by crapping on my bare leg too?
When I was a child I used to enjoy hours of endless entertainment by feeding seagulls Alka Seltzer (google it if you don’t know what it is you lazy fucks) and chortling as their stomachs exploded from the gas as they flew off.
My childhood hobby along with my brother's support may be my salvation. I am now going to post notices around the whole of Bondi detailing my nightmare and asking others who have been mugged of their lunch to contact me. I will form the Seagull Retribution Society. We will have a logo and all.
Lock up your daughters people. This is war.