02 May 2006

Saint Jane

Those of you who think becoming a saint is a doddle let me tell you that the traditional path to canonisation is even more complex than self-treating anal warts. You need heaps of:

1. time
2. money
3. testimonies
4. miracles

They make it so damn hard its no wonder that on checking the list of 10,000 Patron Saints
currently annointed I couldn’t for the life of me find the Patron Saint of Blogging. What truly shocked me though is that despite the fact that world clearly needs more wanton rooting - not less - if you flick through the list you will find no fewer than 6 Patron Saints Against Sexual Temptation alone.

When you considering the hoops one has to jump through, I figured we best all pull together as a team and kick start the process for my canonisation right now.

Working through the requirements list it appears that we might be able to fast track my application. I have plenty of time and if we get Josh Williams onto starting a collection that means the money side of it is sorted. I’m sure it will be a walk in the park collecting testimonials – I know at least 3 bloggers who will verify as to my life of purity - so all that’s left is performing a couple of miracles and it’s in the bag.

My first miracle will be feeding 40,000 people with two loaves of bread and a limp fish. Anyone who has tasted my cooking will vouch for the fact that there is certain to be two untouched loaves of Janey bread and the faint smell of unwashed woman lingering in the air when everyone has left my dinner table. How easy was that?

My second miracle requires the assistance of you, the blogger. All I need is for one of you creative creatures to contract a deadly disease for me to cure and we’re sorted. I’d prefer it if you could keep the blistering and pus to a minimum and it would also be nice if you could avoid hacking coughs in my presence – you wouldn’t barf boogers all over Mother Theresa, would you? The blogger that comes up trumps with the most lethal and disgusting disease will be rewarded with a signed photograph of my tits. If one of you would kindly put your name down for leprosy I’ll add a bonus pic of my snatch.

Oh yeah and I don’t have a me a hymn or anything for my sainthood just yet but we all know the words to Waltzing Mathilda, right?
posted by jungle jane @ 12:27 pm |

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