02 May 2006

Saint Jane

Those of you who think becoming a saint is a doddle let me tell you that the traditional path to canonisation is even more complex than self-treating anal warts. You need heaps of:

1. time
2. money
3. testimonies
4. miracles

They make it so damn hard its no wonder that on checking the list of 10,000 Patron Saints
currently annointed I couldn’t for the life of me find the Patron Saint of Blogging. What truly shocked me though is that despite the fact that world clearly needs more wanton rooting - not less - if you flick through the list you will find no fewer than 6 Patron Saints Against Sexual Temptation alone.

When you considering the hoops one has to jump through, I figured we best all pull together as a team and kick start the process for my canonisation right now.

Working through the requirements list it appears that we might be able to fast track my application. I have plenty of time and if we get Josh Williams onto starting a collection that means the money side of it is sorted. I’m sure it will be a walk in the park collecting testimonials – I know at least 3 bloggers who will verify as to my life of purity - so all that’s left is performing a couple of miracles and it’s in the bag.

My first miracle will be feeding 40,000 people with two loaves of bread and a limp fish. Anyone who has tasted my cooking will vouch for the fact that there is certain to be two untouched loaves of Janey bread and the faint smell of unwashed woman lingering in the air when everyone has left my dinner table. How easy was that?

My second miracle requires the assistance of you, the blogger. All I need is for one of you creative creatures to contract a deadly disease for me to cure and we’re sorted. I’d prefer it if you could keep the blistering and pus to a minimum and it would also be nice if you could avoid hacking coughs in my presence – you wouldn’t barf boogers all over Mother Theresa, would you? The blogger that comes up trumps with the most lethal and disgusting disease will be rewarded with a signed photograph of my tits. If one of you would kindly put your name down for leprosy I’ll add a bonus pic of my snatch.

Oh yeah and I don’t have a me a hymn or anything for my sainthood just yet but we all know the words to Waltzing Mathilda, right?

65 comments:

Die Muräne said...

this pic will be mine!!
I'll go to the gypsys tonight and ask for something really really dirty, something that hasn't got a name yet...oh yeah!

barman said...

Would that be Jungle Jane, Patron Saint of Debotchery? I am not sure about the disease thing but I will work on it.

Roscoe said...

Jane, when I found your blog months ago, I was bed ridden. Now, I’m still in bed but I plan to sit in a chair. THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!

tracy said...

Can you cure my flesh eating virus that starting in my crotch? I also have a bit of the bird flue.

matty said...

Jungle Jane -- I woke up sick today. I suspect it is just a 24 hour bug thing, but you can cure me if you like.

...only thing -- don't Saints have to be dead before proclaimed as Saints. Not that I am religious or anything, but I sort of thought that this is how it works.

Don't die, Jungle Jane! Don't die! Please!

PDD said...

I will find that blond chick in the video and stick my head up her. I am sure that alone will give me at least 3 severe diseases. I could even lend you some crabs for garnish for your outstanding cooking skills.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Hiya!

Thought I'd better get that out of the way first as I've been thwarted 3 times from reading your blog & commenting. Every time I get here I end up being whisked away to somewhere godawful. So, I thought I'd comment first, then read your blog.

I'm so obviously not going to be the Patron Saint of Blogging!

Toby said...

Working with 6000 kids who are all sick all the time I'm surprised I haven't contracted anything serious. Every year we have the menengitis scare and this year it's the mumps too.

Some how the saint has to tie in with the cult.

Egan said...

I can't wait to have a signed picture of your breasts. Wait, I already got one so I don't need to play this game homey.

Denny Shane said...

wait a second here! You mean I flew all the way to Calcutta, slept with 5 women, ok, I think they were women. Then I had to wash off in the standing water gutter for nothing? I find out that egan already HAS an autographed picture?

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with these damn festering pus bags that have grown in my ummm private areas? Huh? You promised me a picture if I presented something you can cure...

Well CURE THIS.

"Bless me Father for I have sinned, it's been 50 years, give or take, since my last confession."

josh williams said...

I already thought you were a Saint? My bad, hell yea I'd be delighted to help out with the collection plate, all donations are a tax right of and as a matter of fact I can almost promise anyone pledging over $1,000 the very whip that Jane has used for self flaggelation (sp), to excited to spell check I'm on a fucking mission! You can contact me as to where to donate, I have a special account already set up and boy am I looking forward to this...For Jane...Send money today!...In the name of St Jane...Send money, I have all sorts of promises I'm working on if you pledge today, OH the $10,000 level ...heeee remeber Janes last video, I think your getting the picture so to speak. Yep send money.I'm in!

Hal said...

I have a slight headache from the two Sierra Nevada's I drank last night. Maybe you could heal that?

Pixie Sprinkle said...

Are there any perks to becoming a saint? Will I have to be the daughter of a saint?

Fuck. I sent that picture of your snatch to Who magazine - does that de-value it any??

jungle jane said...

Die Murane
I thinks that i may have to cure something known to mankind. but see what the gypsies recommend - they are terribly wise

Barman:
i thought i might just be a general saint - nothing too specific. like a supervisory saint?

Roscoe:
I DID IT! I DID IT! okay world - there you go. I have cured the sick. I AM A SAINT!! Thank you Roscoe for stepping forward - there is a special place in heavan waiting for you

Tracy:
Is the flesh eating virus male? if so, i reckon you are really quite lucky...

Matty:
I don't think I'll die - after all i had my funeral while i was still alive. Rules are there to be broken you know and getting rock star parking is no good to me when i'm dead.

PDD:
Oh dear. Now you have lesions all over the place and actually I already cured someone. Oh deary me. Perhaps if you take an asprin and call me in the morning it might clear up??

Toby:
could i be the patron saint of the cult? surely every cult needs a saint? there are heaps of benefits to having me be your patron saint - no more queueing up at nightclubs for example?

Egan:
Okay now is a great time to tell you that the signed picture i sent you is actually of Brooke's tits. I am sure she won't mind....

Denny:
That's what i like about you - you never say no to a challenge. I'm afraid Egan is worshipping the wrong pair of tits but you know..i am CERTAIN he and Brooke will find that funny...

Josh:
You see I picked the right man for the job. I knew you could rise to the challenge. While you are there do you think you could possibly collect wine and weed? all for saintly purposes of course.

Hal:
the cure is simple: two more Sierra Nevada's will take that thumping head right away. You know you can trust me Hal. Right?

Pixie:
Well great. Here I am trying to pave the way for your future and you are sending pictures of Brooke's snatch to men's magazines? Maybe art school wasn't such a great idea after all...

Zen Wizard said...

Those "erections lasting more than 4 hours," on the Viagra commercials, which can "sometimes be dangerous"?

I think you could cure that. And I think it's a "disease."

In fact, you don't even need to show up; I'll just show your picture to a "sufferer." The smart money says they are "cured" immediately!

PDD said...

I am looking into some Homeopathic remedies, but thanks for the offer.

jungle jane said...

Inexplicable Device:
Welcome Welcome! Funny your comment came in really late. I think you need to kick your IT guy's arse real hard. Or yell at your ISP. Or wave your broom at them?

Zen:
You are going to examine men's erections for me? My word - you are enormously committed to this cause. When i become a saint i won't forget this you know.

PDD:
Weed is a totally natural remedy. I have a few cones lying about in my car if you need them??

PDD said...

That is exactly the homeopathic remedy I was thinking. Do you have oil also? I prefer that to sess, or however it's spelled

gav said...

Oh yeah and I don’t have a me a hymn

It is spelt 'hymen' JJ, hymen.

Brookelina said...

You showed people my photos!!That's it, I'm breaking up with you!!

You know what they say about a woman scorned....

Toby said...

I'm hip. I already chalked you up as leader. With a saint as leader we'll have rich Hollywood types begging us to give us money.

That's what it's all about, right?

jungle jane said...

PDD:
Oh yes - we have the full range here in the jungle. and you will be happy to note that Denny has offered to turn himself into a bong.

Gav:
Fuck. Now i have to get a hymen too? Christ let me go remove the skin off the sausages I was planning on having for tea.

Brooke:
you can't break up with me - it was only ever casual sex as far as i was concerned.

Anyhow you don't see Paris complaining about the video of her that i sold?

Toby:
um well i thought sex, drugs and endless free beer was also part of our manifesto?

Erin O'Brien said...

I would be happy to throw my willing, naked body into the turgid, boiling sea and you could save my ass.

Or let me drown and I could serve you for all eternity.

This shit help?

Tickersoid said...

I had a bad cold once, is that any good.
It was a really bad cold with snot and everything. I mean, I'm not normally one to moan, you can ask anyone around here, the'll tell you.

matty said...

Well, I've been telling you for months that you're a rock star! So, I guess the move to Saint is only naturual and I am feeling much better now! Blessed Be!

YellowSock said...

I volunteer for the leprosy but I'm not in it for the picture. I just don't know how one contracts it, something about being unclean? If so, I'm half way there.

ChickyBabe said...

Oh Saint Jane, can you cure me of my blogitis? It's such a pain in the you know where..

Shall I light you a candle?

Brookelina said...

Oh. Well in that case, what are you doing Friday night?

josh williams said...

All this talk but not a dime rolling in...All hat and no cattle. This group needs to donate some money, beer and weed or your Saint dreams could be all for nothing.I've set my cot up next to my mail box waiting for the donations, I think there is time to save these people and create St. Jane, win/win as we say in the Church.We are now accepting MC, VISA and DISCOVER. American E is still not offering the discounts needed for a non profit, a soulless corporation they are. They will rue the day they tried to hinder St. Jane! Fuckers! Send money and kind regards, back to my cot. JW

PS: Does anyone know who is a better deal now. The Cayman Islands or Switzerland?

Toby said...

Sex, drugs and endless free beer is a given. Not a cult ever emerged less any one of the main components.

I do however, require 21 or older at our door. If they, them or whomever hasn't been sucked in yet, they are welcome to be sucked somehow by us.

Christi said...

I have a terrible virus...I keep getting swollen breasts, swollen feet that grow bigger, I'm tired all day, my back hurts, my hips hurt, I get hemorrhoids and vericose veins, I leak pus-looking liquid from my chest, discharge comes from my nether regions, I cry a lot, I laugh uncontrollably for no reason, I get moody, and my hair gets really, really thick, then falls out. These fits last for about nine to ten months straight, then the real fun starts, which I won't even begin to go into. I can't seem to get the symptoms and side effects to go away. I'm pretty sure the doctor told me I have about 21+ years to live, if I don't die first...Can you cure that?

Captain Carl said...

Arrr.....My dear friend Dorian who has dropped off the blogging world is in the possesion of a broken heart, his woman left him flat on his ass.....if you could cure the broken heart....that would be nice, but if you can cure the whinning....you would truly be a saint.......

Egan said...

Brooke's tits? I am not sure how this is all going to play out, but I'm willing to roll with it Saint Jane. Where do I send the money?

jungle jane said...

Erin:
That sounds hot. Would a root be out of the question once i've rescued you? We could play a lifeguard role play game?

Tickers:
My god. Here's everyone else offering to get naked, contract sores, cripple themselves and suffer VD and all you have to offer is a bit of snot?

Matty:
I was going to go for Patron Saint of Rockstars but i think St Ettienne may have that one nailed? you just wait til i am a saint - there will be heaps of drugs and sex if you hang with me. I've already contacted Ricky Martin - he's all yours my princess.

Sausage:
Easy Peasy. Leprosy is caught from toilet seats and touching public bathroom door knobs. You go girl - we'll make a star of you yet.

ChickyBabe:
I'm afraid I'm saving that remedy for Egan. Is there anything else i can help you with? Herpes mebbe? how about the clap? c'mon ChickyBabe - the team needs your contribution.

Brooke:
Well I had earmarked Friday night to go to church and get down with psalms and shit but i can change my plans - wanna fuck?

Josh:
Well we're going just great here. I see Egan is going to send a whole bunch of jing and i'm intending installing a secret pay-by-the-minute webcam on Pixie's car shagging marathon.

Keep up the good work Josh. You are a trouper for not only collecting the cash but starring in a lead role in the Car-Shag-A-Thon.

Toby:
Fuck. That's a bit steep. Isn't the legal age of consent in Guyana 14? If its good enough for them its good enough for me. anyone under 18 can be put to work rolling spliffs and feeding us grapes surely?

Christi:
I believe that you have contracted a sexually transmitted disease.

the cure is very simple. All you need to do is firstly devote your remaining 21 years solely to serving your disease and secondly buy a nice wooden chastity belt with a large steel lock.

Fuck. I think that's my 7th miracle for the day. I am SO rocking with the Sainthood thing.

Cappy:
*PERK* Dorian is single? wellll...i most CERTAINLY have a cure for that. How would you like to have a Saint for a sister in law?

or if that is out of the question how about just having your brother rooting a saint?

Send him my way - i promise i will return him in one piece. oath.

Egan:
My lovely of course you can trust me - i'm a saint.

I had a word to Josh. He doesn't want to bother you so he said just send him your credit card number and full bank account details. He'll take care of it so that you don't have to think of complicated money matters during your holidays. He can also be trusted you know. I know him from the internet - he's got to be genuine.

Die Muräne said...

the gypsys had a short look to their cards and told me to relax...cause you'll send me this signed photograph anyway!!

Mone said...

Could you heal this f...ing disease which makes me get up every weekday morning, drags my sleepy body to this workmachine and leaves me with so little money?

BadGod said...

What the fuck is a "doddle"?

You people talk funny.

jungle jane said...

Die Murane:
considering the theme of this blog wouldn't you prefer a signed copy of Mother Theresa's tits? I will send it immediately!

Mone:
Oh yes that's easy. Send me all your money and you will be cured immediately. you can trust me - I hang out with the Pope all the time

Badgod:
Fuck dude keep up with my movements will you - i am no longer a weird talking Australian. I am now a native British person. Doddle is a posh word - us Poms use loads of posh words.

josh williams said...

My back hurts, that cot had a lump on it.Yeah I know the lump was me, I'm going to be more proactive, I've put together a power point presentation and will be visiting a number of churchs and stuff and see if I can shake anything out of their pockets.
Best Intentions JW

Le Chitelier said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Le Chitelier said...

I've got a deadly disease for you to cure:
I'M ALREADY DEAD.

Toby said...

Okay, any and all are welcome. The youngins will do our bidding.

Denny Shane said...

will you PLEASE get your ass in gear and cure me? The scabs are starting to move now. I notice when I am watching TV and they don't think I am paying attention I see them all moving around in my pubic hairs... I think they are eyeing my chest hairs now. HELP!

Henri Banks said...

Dear doctor,i have some serious problems every day i wake up and the first thing i do is go to my Pc and look at the jungle blog.One day my uncle took away my pc ,i trow him from the balkony(he survived the crash).Is this a normal reaction is this normal some times i think people look strange to me because i walk around with a JJwig.i am not sure this is all real maybe one day i wake up and and and .... i dont know ?

jungle jane said...

Josh:
We may have a set back. I emptied out Egan's bank account but ran out of weed so I have to "dip into the funds" as such. Hopefully Egan will get paid soon though so we can top up the jing.

Keep visiting those churches Josh - while you are there could you also let them know that we are starting a cult in case they are bored with all that praying and wailing?

Le Chit:
You are dead yet you are able to post on my blog. Another miracle by Saint Jane, I think we all agree?

Toby:
Could you print out some flyers? Josh is going to get us a whole bunch of minions while he's out chatting up the churches for money. Multi tasking - I admire that in a man

Denny:
Fuck - did i forget to tell you? you'll have to go back to that doctor of yours. i've now performed 9 miracles in one day and am exhausted. I am terribly sorry - i have no more energy for cures. Thank you for participating though - you're a good sport. I can't do much about the scabs but i have sent a photo of Brooke's tits to you signed by me to authencticate that they really are Brooke's tits.

Henri:
This is perfectly normal behaviour and you should continue to throw your computers around the place. if you want to throw them at your uncle you should yell "This one is for JJ you loser" as you do so.

barman said...

Hey wait a minute, I already have your left tit ... or was that right? Which one were you auctioning off? Of course I have a picture of it but no signature but still ... Oh well, you all ready done finished with the miracles anyway.

Zen Wizard said...

I'm not REALLY a doctor.

I just play one on TV.

That's all right, though, I get that all the time...

Captain Carl said...

Arrrr....t'be a deal........and ay will be sendin JW some of me booty only if he promises ta use it ta make ye a saint an not spend it on somethin like savin ta world.....

jungle jane said...

Barman:
Actually the entire world has several pictures of my tits but i think we all agree 'it's the thought that counts'...right?

Zen:
Blimey and here was me thinking that you had changed teams and was perving on penises for your own sordid purposes. Oooops - my mistake! I had best tell my 37 best friends that I was wrong about you!

Cappy:
I have Josh under control - he is entirely committed to getting us money for weed...um i mean money for the cause.

The world needs more men like Josh Williams...

Toby said...

All right! My first government gig! Of course I can print flyers... at tax payers exspense even. I love this commitee. They'll have to be black on white or colored paper though because I only have a b/w copier and the printing presses are always busy doing bogus work related shit. Maybe in our infancy, we should stick with electroninc flyers (spam).

Give me content and I'll design it too.

Egan said...

Yes, I guess you could be right. Thanks Jane for all your love and support. It's always appreciated. Aloha!

Maja said...

Welcome back Jane, in fine form as usual!

josh williams said...

As you may already know I have made some connections and the weed has been taken care of, it is in route via the stomach of a virgin...hmmm...in the stomach of a virgin...virgin hell that’s great! The weed is in route via the stomach of a virgin, once removed ...err...well lets be realistic... uhh...My crusade has proven fruitful lets say, I in fact popped...OK here goes I think all is well and you should sleep soundly knowing your world is in my hands and...my hands are strong and not greasy so I don't drop things, as a rule so...Shit Jane I got your drugs and money and I bribed a bunch of people, your a fucking Saint, its done!Unless there are any objections or people don't read these comments. Tell you what lets keep the fund drive going. Eh? Cool Beans JW

Le Chitelier said...

Excellent Josh!!
Now we have our weed AND we can sacrifice a virgin in the name of our new Saint Jane!!

Henri Banks said...

thank you doctor J.

Pixie Sprinkle said...

*runs away from Le Chit yelling Muuuuuuuuummy!!"

jungle jane said...

Toby fantastic! But surely tax payers in the USA can afford colour printers? i mean its not as if you live in a third world country or anything. Besides, the whole of the USA will be thanking us when we infiltrate their minds, souls and bank accounts, right?

Egan:
Enough of this aloha stuff already - i thinks its time you wrapped this holiday lark up and came back to entertain me. Fair?

Maja:
Where is your blog?? i looked for signs of you last night (cuncecuncecunce) and got sent through to a site about prostates. Of course that made for very interesting reading but you look like your blog has been deleted from your profile?

Josh:
you are amazing - none of this would have been possible without you. i know how much work you have on your hands saving the world yet nothing is too much trouble for you. I will give you 4 four virgins as your personal reward and you can use my name to get into nightclubs for free too

Le Chit:
I dunno about sacrificing those virgins - can't we use them to clean up after us and cook our food?

Henri:
I am here to serve. That's what saints do...

Pixie:
So its alright so sacrifice the family cat but you get all hissy when a few virgins are at stake?

Gees...kids...

ing said...

Ugggh, my stomach is full of weed and four of me will be given to Josh! Can you cure this, Jane, can you?

Here's a nice little malady my mom, who's a nurse, encountered -- a yeast infection of the throat.

Would you please sign my photo: To the comeliest of all the virgins I've never done, Jane.? Thanks!

jungle jane said...

Ing I will gladly sign the photo for you but i fear it will be of no use to you - all virgins are required for immediate sacrifice. I'm sorry it's come to this Ing but I'm sure you don't want to be a party pooper huh?

Le Chit! We have our first virgin! You warm the fire up, okay?

Traci-Lee Mott said...

Maybe u can call urself Saint Bernard?

ing said...

Sanctity requires sacrifice.

But wait! Let me see Beck first, before I make that ultimate decision (he'll be in San Fran this month and I know how to get backstage while keeping my virginity intact, which, it's the same tactic I used to keep it on prom night & so forth). Because if I can catch his eye, all bets are off.

But how -- tube top? White pointy bra? Assless chaps? Oh, help!

jungle jane said...

Ing, Goldfrapp first, Beck second. Even virgins need to whoop it up a bit.

I recommend body paint. Clothes are so passe. The question is what do we paint you as? We could opt for the old "suit and tie" (yawn) body or we could opt for something a little more risque. I am here to help Ing - you know what good taste I have.

Toby said...

Haha, Pixie. Are you one of those born again virgins?

Le Chitelier said...

No! Wait Jane!! Don't let this virgin slip out of our hands!!!

Le Chitelier said...

Don't worry Pixie, we only sacrific HUMAN virgins.